How to tell if a child is gifted?
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Chenonceau:
Hi, my son is not gifted, not as far as I can tell anyway, but he does not seem to be happy in preschool either. He is like your boy, he doesn't cry but is not happy . Can you share more about why you pulled your son out of nursery/k1 ?Whoa! 2ppaaamm... this is beautiful sharing.
Little Boy was the exact opposite. Cerebral, quiet, retiring and reflective. He was miserable in preschool. He didn't cry but he wasn't happy. I think every child has his timing. If your Mommy instinct tells you that your son is not ready, then maybe he isn't. I put Little Boy into school in nursery, and then I pulled him out. He went into K1 again, and got pulled out. He only managed to stay in preschool in middle K1. He had 1 friend then. In K2, he had 3 friends... very close. Every year, he finds himself 1 or 2 people to hang out with. -
2ppaamm, Chenonceau, phankao, pingsped,
Thank you so much for your sharing. You have all given me much food for thought. So many things to ruminate upon.
2ppaamm,
Thank you esp for sharing so much about your experience. It has really struck me how dependent I have allowed DS1 to be, despite my wanting him to learn independence. I can see why your kids are so independent! They bear the responsibility for the consequence of their own actions. As for my DS1, my mum loves to spoil him, as it is her way of showing her love. With her, he does not want to feed himself/ do things himself. With me, I insist he does things himself, sometimes at least, though sometimes I feel like I have to bully him into doing things before he does it. Sometimes, it is just more convenient to do things for DS1 than to wait for him to dilly-dally. Looks like I have to start identifying things that he should be more hands-on and really train him.
I think I will want DS1 to go to school, then he can learn, as you say from other people, and also how the world is after all. Now is how to prepare him for it.
Chenonceau, Pingsped
After reading your sharing, it has become obvious to me that DS1 is not at all prepared for school alone. He is not able to read the socio-emotional situations, let alone know how to process/respond. Just recently, I had to stop DS1 from insistently asking his Grandad for a game of Wii while Grandad was in the midst of scolding my nephew at the top of his lungs!!! Not only that, unlike Chenonceau’s son, he will not mention if he is being bullied. I have seen before how at the playground, when he was pushed around by some other kid, he did not mention anything to me, and I do not think he thought it was not normal. His usual reaction is such bullying or to crowds is to avoid them and play by himself far away from anybody else, even friendly kids. In fact, the flip side is that he does not respond even when another kid is being friendly, so I’m not sure if he knows how to make friends.
Well, I’ve got to start somewhere, so I will look out for the books that teach emotional comprehension. I hope the books cover how to approach DS1 because he changes the topic every time I’ve tried to talk or explain to him about the social aspects of the day’s activity, e.g. I cite his talking politely to his aunt, and he mentions that the stones in the flowerpot were green!?! I’m not sure whether it’s the terrible threes but he’s in such a state of denial always. When he doesn’t want to eat, “”there is no food on the table”, when obviously his lunch is waiting for him.
And yes, time for me let go more. Since I stopped work 1 year ago to look after the boys myself, it’s been too easy to make them the centre of my life esp with DS2 superglued to me, then my trying to make up to DS1 for the little time I have for him now. Cannot let the boys be my KPIs in life.
Phankao,
If you could pm me the school you send your son to, I’d appreciate it. I would like to visit the school to get a quick look at how the Montessori multi-age programme is like. Thanks! -
I’ll like to also add, that I’m very touched that you all took the time to think and respond so sincerely.
God bless you all and Happy Lunar New Year! -
mosster:
Hi
Phankao,
If you could pm me the school you send your son to, I’d appreciate it. I would like to visit the school to get a quick look at how the Montessori multi-age programme is like. Thanks!
Perhaps you want to visit this thread of discussion instead? On Montessori?
http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?t=906&highlight=montessori -
mosster:
I'll like to also add, that I'm very touched that you all took the time to think and respond so sincerely.
God bless you all and Happy Lunar New Year!
You're welcome... and Happy New Year!
Recognising ABC does not enable you to read. The basics of what are whose emotional expressions are not difficult to teach and learn. You'll be done in no time. But the child will still be unprepared. You need to teach your child to read situations.
After books, you can do practicums. Ask the child to read your face, and in real situations like Grandad's explosion, point out Grandad's face... and then go back to book and link to the expression and then talk about the implications of such an experience for your child. Link always to how it affects the child or his attention will wander off.
Going straight into an analysis of politeness is way above what your child can understand right now (I think?).
Little Boy went to preschool in USA first. I noticed the same behavior on the playground as your son. It was one of the things that got me thinking about emotional training. Since I don't specialise in child psychology, I made it up as I went along all the time observing my son. I figured that he didn't have the vocabulary to tell me what he felt. So, one of the first things I did was to help him describe his own feelings.
For example, he played with 2 girls at a gathering. They were sharing a toy but refused to share with him. They told him \"We don't wanna play with you.\" He came to me at first saying nothing, but from the way he leaned his head into my lap, I knew something was wrong. So I stopped talking to my friend and pulled him on my lap and had a good look at his face. Then,
Me: Are you sad?
Little Boy: *Nod nod*
Me: What happened?
Little Boy: Blah blah blah ... all the bits about not sharing and being rejected as a playmate came out.
Me: Oh so they were mean to you?
Little Boy: *Sad nod... and a bit going to cry*
Me: It's ok. I love you. And Mommy's love is the best anyway. Let's go down with this pack of bread and feed the fishes.
I took him to the pond and we started feeding fishes. The girls joined in shortly. In kindergarten politics like in any politics, the one with resources has power... and the one who freely shares such coveted resources with friends becomes popular. The pack of bread was his resource. I got him to share with the 2 girls (he didn't mind because he isn't vindictive or passive aggressive) and very soon they were chatting like birds to Little Boy (who normally says little).
Since then, he possessed a convenient phrase to express his situation \"They were mean to me, and I was sad\" And that was very empowering. Now he knows to come to me and say \"She/he was mean to me and I was sad.\" It is important NEVER to judge or to lecture when your boy approaches you with a broken heart. It may have resulted from his own emotional stupidity but never ever tell him so.
Little Boy still does not know how much I worried in those days. There is no need to burden your child with your fears. Just fix his problem discreetly as much as you can.
Don't intervene directly either. When he grows up, you won't be there to protect him. He needs to learn to manage. Give him suggestions/resources/words/ skills to deal with it. This will give him confidence. And every day after school, ask about school... invariably, emotion scenarios will come out. Talk them through. The following structure is a guide:
- What happened (in detail)?
- How did YOU feel (one component of emotional intelligence is to be aware of one's own emotions, and be able to describe them)?
- How did the other person feel (another component of EQ is understanding another's emotions)
- What could you have done to make yourself feel better?
- What could you have done to make the other feel better?
The last 2 questions are about emotion management. I've been doing this with Little Boy every school day since K1. Only now, in P5 is he becoming somewhat popular. It takes years. So you have to be diligent, consistent and patient. Every day you ask, and every day you mend the little broken heart and every day that little heart will get stronger and cope better. Children like Little Boy need to build up an archive of scenarios. The more scenarios you talk through, the better they are prepared for Life. Scenario matching is how I process emotions too. I was only teaching Little Boy what I learnt to do too late in Life. Nowadays, I still find myself staring at someone mouth slightly open, wondering what to do or what to say or what expression to wear on my face because I am puzzled by the emotional cues... but as one gets older, that gets rarer.
You may need to engage in some small political maneuvering of your own. To help your son, you need a VERY strong emotional bond between the 2 of you. I put my mother-in-law quite in her place when she started to come between me and my son. You cannot help your son learn emotions if the mother-child bond is not strong. I made clear to my mother-in-law that even little hints of me being a Hitler was unacceptable and whenever she did that, I would sit my kids down and explain. And she did that a lot. I explained to my husband that he could stay out of it. I didn't expect him to deal with his mom. I would deal with her myself. He should just stay away or he could divorce me and marry his mom. I am prepared to do a lot for my in-laws but by now they know that I am very determined when it comes to my kids. I WILL deal with you firmly as many times as required if you come between me and my kids.
I know my son so well and we are so close that I could guess that he had a crush on a girl without being told. So I articulated that for him to his great surprise and we talked about it too. Since he has not a clear grasp of his own emotions, I must be close enough to him to grasp it first so that I can explain it back to him.
I notice that Little Boy copes with unpleasant feelings by ignoring them. When he was stressed over exams, he spent the better part of the day forcing himself to be happy. However, when he found that he couldn't regulate his feelings that way, he came to me. He came to me because he and I have had a long history of me bringing emotional calm and healing back to his heart. He knows who to go to. If I wasn't close to him and hadn't been patching him up all these years, he would have become very anxious too because he wouldn't know how to explain what he was feeling.
Children like Little Boy need to be taught step by step how to recognise and manage emotions of self and others. And just like you take years to achieve real competence in language and math, this type of education also takes years. However, it CAN be done. It IS possible to bring a child with inherently low EQ to high enough levels of competence in emotion and social management. Little Boy will never have the magic his sister brings to social situations, but he will be able to function as a well-balanced adult. -
kylene:
Ummmmm... dunno got anymore to share or not leh... He was not happy. He was chatty and cheerful at home, but quiet and withdrawn in school. I needed some company because I had just quit to stay home for about 1 year plus. I liked his company and he preferred mine. So we spent whole days together lazing around, digging holes in the garden, destroying ants' nests, baking cakes, fishing, walking, long hot baths refilled twice, chatting, playing with his huge collection of soldier toys... he would shoot me and I would collapse on him. Soon enough, he learnt to shoot and run away and then I, the corpse, lumbered after him to try and collapse ON him again... and so there was a lot of laughing and squealing.
Hi, my son is not gifted, not as far as I can tell anyway, but he does not seem to be happy in preschool either. He is like your boy, he doesn't cry but is not happy . Can you share more about why you pulled your son out of nursery/k1 ?
In spring, the ducks had ducklings. They followed after their mother in a long line. Little Boy and I followed them. We collected bags and bags of bread and fed them to ducks and swans etc... I bought him a fishing rod and found a pond FULL of small hungry fishes. He had fun 'cos all he needed to do was dip in the hook and out would come a small fish. I made him put them all back in after though because too small to cook.
See... you can really have lotsa fun with a toddler. And every bit of fun is a little more bonding and a little more learning. Why so early go to school if he doesn't like it. Him being unhappy was good enough reason. I made sure he learnt to read before P1 though...
I think I reckoned that I could stimulate him more than any school could... but mostly, I liked his company, and I had nothing else to do at that time. He didn't get along with playmates his age so I was his playmate. It was a wonderful time. I had fun and he had fun. He spent 15 minutes a day on Dr Seuss and Winnie the Pooh math and english computer games.
But I dunno if that was the best thing to do... I didn't know better and didn't think too much. I just did what felt right to me. -
Hi Chenonceau,
thank you for your reply. do you mind joining me in this thread I started ?
http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?t=18671
thanks -
Chenonceau,
I cannot thank you enough for your invaluable advice! Really sorry this reply comes so delayed, but it comes with my heartfelt thanks! So many nuggets of wisdom to keep in mind. Your son is very blessed to have you as his mum! What you say makes so so much sense.
[quote] Don't intervene directly either. When he grows up, you won't be there to protect him. He needs to learn to manage. Give him suggestions/resources/words/ skills to deal with it. This will give him confidence. And every day after school, ask about school... invariably, emotion scenarios will come out. Talk them through. The following structure is a guide:
- What happened (in detail)?
- How did YOU feel (one component of emotional intelligence is to be aware of one's own emotions, and be able to describe them)?
- How did the other person feel (another component of EQ is understanding another's emotions)
- What could you have done to make yourself feel better?
- What could you have done to make the other feel better? [/quote]This is a great structure that I applied straight away today this evening. I had lost my temper (sigh) at DS1 for dilly dallying over his dinner and he burst into tears at the end of it. So, I went through the scenario with him during bedtime and asked him what he thought I felt, and how he felt. He could tell me \"mummy was angry\", and he felt \"sad... angry\". I didn't ask him what he could have done to make things better, but told him what I thought he could have done instead that would have made things better. In the end, we made a pact (hope he understands!) what both he and I could both do to avoid the evening's scenario.
[quote]I notice that Little Boy copes with unpleasant feelings by ignoring them. When he was stressed over exams, he spent the better part of the day forcing himself to be happy. However, when he found that he couldn't regulate his feelings that way, he came to me. He came to me because he and I have had a long history of me bringing emotional calm and healing back to his heart. [/quote]I can imagine my DS1 being just like that. He likes to be happy and for everybody to be happy but he has a tendency to be denial over things that he doesn't like. I hope I can learn to bring emotional calm and healing to DS1's heart too, and not, with my own temper, cause him more distress! Truly, to give something, one must already have it to give it. I can sense the years of \"emotional training\" you have, even in the way you think/speak, e.g. regulating emotions, and it hits me that I have to train myself in order to train him.
[quote]However, it CAN be done. It IS possible to bring a child with inherently low EQ to high enough levels of competence in emotion and social management.... he will be able to function as a well-balanced adult.[/quote]
I really hope so. Thank you for your encouragement! I hope I have it in me to be able to do for DS1 what he needs. I have absolutely no formal training in emotional/social management.. at times like these, I wonder if I should have taken up a different discipline in school!
By the way, how did you know when your son was ready to start school? My hubby just gave me an ultimatum that no matter what, DS1 HAS to start school by 4 yrs old.
phankao,
Thank you! I'll take a look there! -
mosster:
I didn't have formal training in emotion management either... I think that once you are aware of his need here, you'll manage fine? Do remember to talk him through preschool scenarios before you put him in, yeah?
I really hope so. Thank you for your encouragement! I hope I have it in me to be able to do for DS1 what he needs. I have absolutely no formal training in emotional/social management.. at times like these, I wonder if I should have taken up a different discipline in school!
By the way, how did you know when your son was ready to start school? My hubby just gave me an ultimatum that no matter what, DS1 HAS to start school by 4 yrs old.
Little Boy went in at 4.5 years. I guess at the very latest, he should attend all of K2 at least? You could try putting him in a twice a week 1.5hrs playgroup that allows parents to attend. Here is what I did with my older one http://petunialee.blogspot.com/2011/01/crying-in-preschool.html . -
What a great blog you have! You are a really great mum, super fun too. Thanks! Glad to be able to read more of your other interesting thoughts too!
It’s so amazing how rare parent-accompanied classes for 3-4 year olds are in Singapore. Most insist that the child should be old enough to attend without their parents. I’m been sending DS1 to a once a week, 1hr one which I managed to find.
Er… I hope I don’t sound too stupid when I ask, by preschool scenarios, are you referring to what to expect in school with teacher and other kids, e.g. learning time behaviour, expected playground behaviour? if other kids push him in the playground behaviour? I can be kiasu (finally fitting into this website) and do all the possible scenarios I can think of…
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