Club SAHM

[sleepy]

Mawar:

:rotflmao: Sleepy, I love your sense of humour. My kind of friend. Where's the Like button again?

:hi5: :snuggles:

[janet88]

I guess it is not so much of being unrealistic as a parent. He feels that he is living in regret now bcos he could not take leave to coach son last year…weekends were mostly burnt working. I can understand that frustration bcos he has always been the one coaching son in his work since P1. He felt he did not do his part during the crucial PSLE year.


Explained to him that son doesn’t want to leave this school as he has settled in…no harm being a big fish in this pond. Most importantly, he is doing well in this neighborhood school and happy. Supposing he transfers to another school and is not able to cope and unhappy as a result, it will be too late and that is really going to be worst! It will take a while for this to sink in though.

[buds]

Realizing limitations and managing (own) expectations is part of it.


Ultimately, a child's academic result should not commensurate with how much a parent puts in regardless if it's the daddy or the mommy. While it can add a little more weight as to how much the child gets revision done.. or the amount of drilling.. or the exam tips the parent(s) can dish out.. the exam is done BY the child.. by what the child comprehends/understands and applies.. plus of course also by how much the teachers put in daily as well. The child's attitude is also important.

I personally pumped in for both DDs SA2 exams whilst pregnant with chubs back in 2010. With a fantastic attitude towards her work and taking pride in what she does, DD2 gave her 200% more than my 100% and she was topped her class (position), topped the class for Math and came 2nd for English by a point away helping her secure a top class the following year.. which was a crucial year for she had to go through streaming end of the following year.. and as any normal parent, we figure top classes = top quality teachers to which is not entirely true, but i won't go into that. DD1, despite my 200% (it was draining.. :() she only fared mid-range. Not surprising because her heart was not into it.. she was undergoing a terrible pre-teen phase.. she was rebellious and hardly listened to our advices (or naggings) as she really tuned us out.. her mere 40%-60% effort topped with a lackadaisical attitude towards her academic progress.. she managed to pass. She was happy with a pass. Her exact words were, \"Pass what..\" I find I had to pump in extra for DD1 regardless if it was for the emotional support, the physical encouragement, resourcing of materials (as she had different learning style) and of course also my time. DD2 maximized on the time I spent with her by being extremely motivated and her sheer diligence made us (hubs and I) both very proud. She was also coaching a peer (a special needs classmate) at the same time which earned her the most well-behaved pupil for the 4th time that year.

If hubs was to reward me for the results each of them fared that year then it would be quite right to reward me a 12mths bonus. Every single month I did what was expected of me and beyond.. for despite being super preggie, we shifted house, i did all the school transfer procedures myself, sent them to and from school because we had no car and the girls were new to the neighbourhood, coached them for all subjects on top of doing the mundane dailies.. but no.. we do what we do because they are our kids and we love them so much we want to give them the best that we can, not for any monetary reason. While we know we give them the best, it may not always show on the result slip.. and it is not our fault. Every child has their own inner potential towards success and in so when they have maximized that potential, they have reached their limitations.

janet_lee88... your son was fortunate to have tutors come in to personally coach him, (something that would be god-sent for my girls if i had that option to in my almost going to give birth state) even if there was no/less intervention coming from your husband, whom of course still had to work to provide for your family. If your son said and he knew he had done his best.. in fact i am inclined to believe your son HAD done his best because i religiously followed your sharings over the last year and can feel his sheer determination put in through his hard work... then that is his best. It is good to know that you have moved forward and eventually became the pillar of support for your son.. but your hubby has to recognize through you.. your comforting words.. and your actions, that he has been the best father for your son during the PSLE year or any other year for that matter. Your son didn't fare badly because he (your hubby) couldn't spend extra time coaching him.

Just because your hubby saw the continuous work and untiring efforts you put into your son's preparation for PSLE, it still does not necessarily mean that it directly translates to your son doing extremely well at the end of it. You should all pat yourself on your backs for all of you sacrificed something in that long year run... if you really think of it. So if that stretch can have your son attend one of the better neighbourhood secondary schools around, your son, in my eyes has done well for himself... with his given potentials. Attending a neighbourhood school is not the end of the learning journey and you also recognized it as him being the big fish in this pond. The path of the academic journey is still open for how he wants it carved out for him. He is responsible for that journey whether he sees it now or not, just like how he was for the year he did his PSLE.

There's little point in living with regret. The only way is forward. Hope your hubby can see the way forward soon. :hugs:

[sharonkhoo]

janet_lee88:

I guess it is not so much of being unrealistic as a parent. He feels that he is living in regret now bcos he could not take leave to coach son last year...weekends were mostly burnt working. I can understand that frustration bcos he has always been the one coaching son in his work since P1. He felt he did not do his part during the crucial PSLE year.

Would your son have necessarily done better if his father had taken leave to coach him? I don't think anyone can answer this question, and frankly, since your son worked so hard, had tutors to help and his father's help and support (even without taking leave), I would think it unlikely that his marks would have been significantly higher if his father took leave. This is something your husband will have to come to terms with for himself. If it's any help to him, you can try telling him that sometimes kids do worse when parents give up too much to help them as they feel the pressure even more. All of us parents have to accept our kids' limitations.

[janet88]

Hi ladies,

Thanks for your wonderful input.
Looks like I really have to put in more effort to convince other half that son didn't do badly. Everything happens for a reason...and this could also be a blessing in disguise that he is blessed to be in this school where he gets passionate teachers...and a pretty English teacher too :evil:

[sharonkhoo]

janet_lee88:

Hi ladies,

Thanks for your wonderful input.
Looks like I really have to put in more effort to convince other half that son didn't do badly. Everything happens for a reason...and this could also be a blessing in disguise that he is blessed to be in this school where he gets passionate teachers...and a pretty English teacher too :evil:

Depending on your husband's standards, you may not be able to convince him that your son didn't do badly, but hopefully you can convince him that he didn't do badly BECAUSE his father didn't do enough. My older daughter is weak at Maths, and we have come to terms that 'good' for her is anything above 70 (sec school) even though we know that it's not really good compared to many other kids. If that's her best after our coaching and her hard work, we don't want to pressure her to aim for what she cannot achieve. On the other hand, my other child is considered to have done poorly if she loses more than a few marks because she is much stronger at Maths.

[janet88]

Hi simkhoo,

I think my son would be in a better position to convince his father that his not that fantastic results has nothing to do with daddy...most importantly, it is over. How am I going to get this message into his head :frustrated:

[sleepy]

janet_lee88:

I can understand that frustration bcos he has always been the one coaching son in his work since P1. He felt he did not do his part during the crucial PSLE year.

Perhaps it's time to learn to let go. Whether we like it or not, there is only so much hand holding parents can do for child.

[janet88]

sleepy:

janet_lee88:

I can understand that frustration bcos he has always been the one coaching son in his work since P1. He felt he did not do his part during the crucial PSLE year.

Perhaps it's time to learn to let go. Whether we like it or not, there is only so much hand holding parents can do for child.

I wouldn't say let go...perhaps more like moving on...no point holding and thinking about what has happened. Strangely, the person who always tells me to 'move on' is not doing so :scratchhead:

[ammonite]

Perhaps he feels guilty for not sending your son to tuition earlier. Maybe the colleagues are rubbing it in. And no matter what, fathers worry more for sons’ future as breadwinners, and if he saw PSLE as a high stake exam, he may be worrying that he has affected your son’s future prospect. That is a scary and guilt inducing thought for a parent.


I think you can explain this possible angle to your son so that he sees his father’s concern. You are Christians right? You can use religion to help them both move on. It is possible that your son will meet key people at school that will have an impact on his life and worldview.

One of my friends, a GEP student, did badly at O levels and went to a neighborhood JC. He said it opened up his eyes (previously in RI), humbled him, and he made good friends, as well as met his future wife there. He went on to win a prestigious prize n the A levels and a full scholarship to study abroad.