How to handle complaints from school

Reply to How to handle complaints from school on Thu, 01 Jul 2010 02:17:17 GMT

osakachan — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 02:17:17 GMT

stayhome:
Hi osakachan,

I had also tried using cane, it only work for short term. I'm using reward and punishment method now, it work better and result last long. It is quite difficult initially, ds took some time to learn this method. But is it worth it. You have to be firmed what you had set and your ds may try not to follow. Then, you will just used punishment like taking away his favourite activity for a day or week.....

It's not easy and can be very stressful initially. But it's just parenting. Goodluck.

hi

noted with thanks, i will try it

Reply to How to handle complaints from school on Wed, 30 Jun 2010 23:00:33 GMT

cnimed — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 23:00:33 GMT

tamarind:
Another good book to recommend for all teachers and parents :

How Children Fail
by John Holt

Yes that is a great book. Need to read it again to put myself back on track, sigh.

Reply to How to handle complaints from school on Wed, 30 Jun 2010 04:05:13 GMT

stayhome — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 04:05:13 GMT

Hi osakachan,

I had also tried using cane, it only work for short term. I’m using reward and punishment method now, it work better and result last long. It is quite difficult initially, ds took some time to learn this method. But is it worth it. You have to be firmed what you had set and your ds may try not to follow. Then, you will just used punishment like taking away his favourite activity for a day or week…

It’s not easy and can be very stressful initially. But it’s just parenting. Goodluck.

Reply to How to handle complaints from school on Tue, 29 Jun 2010 05:35:47 GMT

osakachan — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 05:35:47 GMT

stayhome

My DS1 is having the same problem as your son… except that my DS1 is in K2 and his misbehavour only started in K1 in this new childcare.

His childcare setting is like primary school, it is a very academic childcare that prepares the kids to primary school.

His teacher is also getting very impatient with him… during the last meet the parents session, his teacher even told us that she locked my son out of her classroom when she overheard my son telling his friend that he does not like her!

incidents triggered me desperately look for solution:
1) last week, he slapped his friend for teasing him (i was mad and caned him. i warned him that if he hurt his friend again, he will get more canes from me - i shared this with his principal, she disapproved it).

2) yesterday he bite his friend for not lending him book. This time i did not cane him but trying to relate it to his favourite Ben10 and magic school bus - telling him naughty boy cannot be Ben’s friend and friend of magic school bus. seriously i donno whether it will work but i am out of ideas…

anyone has any links to share?

Thank u very much!!!

Reply to How to handle complaints from school on Thu, 06 May 2010 06:47:57 GMT

tamarind — Thu, 06 May 2010 06:47:57 GMT

Another good book to recommend for all teachers and parents :

How Children Fail
by John Holt
http://www.educationreformbooks.net/failure.htm

1. Fear and failure: Schools promote an atmosphere of fear – fear of failure, fear of humiliation, fear of disapproval - that most severely affects a student's capacity for intellectual growth. External motivation – rewards such as grades and gold stars – reinforces children’s fears of failing exams and receiving disapproval from the adults in their lives. Rather than learning the actual content of the lessons, students learn how to avoid embarrassment. This atmosphere of fear not only quells a child's love of learning and suppresses his native curiosity, but also makes him afraid of taking chances and risks which may be necessary for true learning to occur.

2. Boredom: Boredom serves as another major obstacle, blocking both the child’s innate motivation to learn and his love of learning. Before attending school, children feel free to explore and discover those things that interest them. But once the child becomes part of our modern school system, both the institutions and the parents unknowingly sabotage their child’s education. Schools demand that children perform dull, repetitive tasks which make limited demands on their wide range of capabilities; such demands may or may not be suitable to a particular child’s interests or needs.

...

Holt concludes that there is a vast difference between what children really know, and what they only appear to know. Rather than learning the content of a lesson, children learn how to perform, or how to survive by deflecting the teacher’s questions with the least possible amount of embarrassment. Almost everything we do in our schools tends to make children ‘answer-centered,’ rather than ‘problem centered,’ which inadvertently deprives them of the skills that they need to function in the real world.

From the time of birth until the age of three years, children have a \"tremendous capacity for learning, understanding, and creating.\" Adults – either through their own actions, or through excessively dictating their children’s actions - destroy most of the this intellectual and creative capacity. Most frequently, we destroy this capacity by making our children afraid; afraid of being wrong. Holt’s examination of our present educational system is a critical and insightful study, one which forces us to look more closely at the lessons that we are unwittingly imparting to our young ones.

Reply to How to handle complaints from school on Mon, 03 May 2010 14:52:13 GMT

corneyAmber — Mon, 03 May 2010 14:52:13 GMT

Busymom:
ha ha, haven't gone back to your maths visual issues thread... :lol: :lol:

The lie... well, I think it is possible that DD had a mix-up. Anyway, have sent you a PM already.

About having higher situational awareness... sigh! I can be quite blur myself about certain things (although I will definitely remember what I said or did not say). The KL story that I shared before was a case in point. :stupid: Or maybe DD is still young or it's just her 傻大姐 character?

Busymom, replied your PM.

Yes she is still young but good to prepare her for P1 in this area.

Reply to How to handle complaints from school on Mon, 03 May 2010 14:01:23 GMT

Joy — Mon, 03 May 2010 14:01:23 GMT

Busymom

I have just pm you...

Rgds
Joy

Busymom:
ha ha, haven't gone back to your maths visual issues thread... :lol: :lol:

The lie... well, I think it is possible that DD had a mix-up. Anyway, have sent you a PM already.

About having higher situational awareness... sigh! I can be quite blur myself about certain things (although I will definitely remember what I said or did not say). The KL story that I shared before was a case in point. :stupid: Or maybe DD is still young or it's just her 傻大姐 character?

Reply to How to handle complaints from school on Mon, 03 May 2010 13:50:54 GMT

Busymom — Mon, 03 May 2010 13:50:54 GMT

ha ha, haven't gone back to your maths visual issues thread... :lol: :lol:

The lie... well, I think it is possible that DD had a mix-up. Anyway, have sent you a PM already.

About having higher situational awareness... sigh! I can be quite blur myself about certain things (although I will definitely remember what I said or did not say). The KL story that I shared before was a case in point. :stupid: Or maybe DD is still young or it's just her 傻大姐 character?

Reply to How to handle complaints from school on Mon, 03 May 2010 11:11:57 GMT

corneyAmber — Mon, 03 May 2010 11:11:57 GMT

Busymom, just read your dilemma, have been busy in the word game and the math issues... :lol:

Actually your issue sets me thinking. How serious was the lie? Why was the teacher B harping on it, did it cause any harm? No doubt a lie is a lie but the handling of the various types of lies would be different. If it is truly harmless, the severe consequence has to be explained seriously to the child and no point just telling her \"don't lie\", it won't work. If it is not harmful but it still happened, you can explain the losing of credibility as a person and how this will affect future events.

At kindy level, sometimes children are still living in a highly imaginative world. They may fabricate tales as opposed to lying and not know the difference at times. As adults, we are more discerning, so we need to be able to detect the difference.

Cannot help much but since the incident has passed, there is no point dealing with the teacher anymore. What is important that your child learn something from this incident, such as, to have higher situational awareness in order not to get into such problems.

Reply to How to handle complaints from school on Mon, 03 May 2010 10:34:36 GMT

Busymom — Mon, 03 May 2010 10:34:36 GMT

Joy:

Something happen to my girl in school too.It was not well handled cos teacher doesnt look at things from kid's perspective.

Anyover, case close .

Well, for you, it's good that the case has closed. For me, somehow, I just feel kind of... and I'm not sure if everyone is able to move on and forget about the incident. I just hope that it does not leave a dent on my DD.

Reply to How to handle complaints from school on Mon, 03 May 2010 05:50:41 GMT

Joy — Mon, 03 May 2010 05:50:41 GMT

Tam

I totally agreed.

Something happen to my girl in school too.It was not well handled cos teacher doesnt look at things from kid's perspective.

Anyover, case close .

rgds

tamarind:
I highly recommend this book for all parents and teachers :
窗边的小豆豆
http://product.dangdang.com/product.aspx?product_id=706089&ref=book-02-L

The English version is Totto-Chan: The Little Girl at the Window, available in all local bookshops.

This is the all time best selling book in Japan, and is also a best seller in China.

The story is a about a little girl who was considered by her teacher to be too disruptive, and was expelled from the school. Her mother understood very well that she was only behaving like a child should be, and put her in another school which turned to be wonderful. This is a true story. The little girl grew up to become one of Japan's most popular television personalities.

Adults often forget what it is like being a child. A good teacher should always try to imagine herself in the kid's position, in order to understand why the child behaves that way.

Reply to How to handle complaints from school on Mon, 03 May 2010 05:09:32 GMT

Busymom — Mon, 03 May 2010 05:09:32 GMT

I had an unhappy incident recently… so please bear with my lor-li-lor-so below.

DD is a smart girl and a fast learner. She gives me very little worries in the academic areas and her teachers have consistently been praising her behaviour and attitudes in school. They have always said that she is magnanimous and is least bit petty in nature. Just to add, in my opinion, she is an extremely sociable and gregarious person, just like DH. On the other hand, she can be most absent-minded about her own things and does not even realize it if she has worn her clothes the wrong way, for instance. One of her other teachers (not from school) and some of my friends call her 傻大姐. This is from people who have interacted with her on a frequent basis and for a long time, definitely not something that I have labeled her on my own.

A couple of week back, I received a “complaint” from DD’s teacher. It was technically not a complaint, as the teacher had meant well and wanted me to be aware of what she perceived to be an issue, so that I could properly guide DD.

One of her teachers in her school (teacher A) thinks DD had lied about what she said to another friend. Another teacher (teacher B) who did not witness the incident called me and told me about it, after hearing it from teacher A. I had long talks with DD after that, and I also had a long chat (very long in fact) with teacher A to clarify what teacher B had narrated to me, as well as to tell DD’s side of the story. Teacher A had not planned to bring up the incident to my attention as she felt that things children said to each other could be taken out of context, especially since she herself had not heard the entire conversation between DD and her friend (at least this was what she said to me, whether she thinks otherwise, I have no idea). Having said that, I am pretty sure she had thought that DD lied, which was what led to teacher B making a call to me. DD’s side of the story was that she had simply forgotten it was her who said a particular statement to her friend. I believe DD had said the statement (as some of her other friends had heard it too), but she had forgotten, at the first instance when teacher B asked her, that she was the one who said it.

Despite the long chat with teacher A, and despite the teacher saying that she was more concerned with DD wanting love and affirmation from her friends (instead of whether DD had lied or genuinely forgotten), I have a nagging feeling that DD’s teachers did not buy into what I said. Nonetheless, teacher A thinks it is best not to pursue DD further on whether she lied or not. She thinks it isn’t healthy to keep reminding DD of the incident. Subsequent to this call, I told teacher B that I want to give DD the benefit of my doubt and would appreciate if she could just let the matter rest when DD returned to school. Still, she had to tell DD not to lie the next time (although quietly), during rest-time when DD was lying down and resting! :x

Knowing DD, I know she can be very absent-minded about what she has just said or done at times. For example last night, I suggested playing a Yahama music DVD. Her brother wanted to watch DVD #1 while she wanted to watch DVD #4 (all are Yamaha DVDs, just different numbering). As DD was kind of in a foul mood (plus some other considerations which are irrelevant here), I told them that we will watch DVD #4 first, then DVD #1. DS didn’t complain and so we watched DVD #4. Surprisingly, after DVD #4 had ended, DS didn’t ask for DVD #1 and went away. DD on the other hand, insisted that I should play her another DVD #2, as that was what she wanted initially. She had totally forgotten that she asked for DVD #4… Even after I reminded her, she still had no recollection…

What would be your reaction to the incident in school if you were me? Even though I was unhappy about it, I have decided to leave the matter as it is. Would you have done anything differently?

Reply to How to handle complaints from school on Sun, 02 May 2010 11:27:20 GMT

tamarind — Sun, 02 May 2010 11:27:20 GMT

I highly recommend this book for all parents and teachers :

窗边的小豆豆
http://product.dangdang.com/product.aspx?product_id=706089&ref=book-02-L

The English version is Totto-Chan: The Little Girl at the Window, available in all local bookshops.

This is the all time best selling book in Japan, and is also a best seller in China.

The story is a about a little girl who was considered by her teacher to be too disruptive, and was expelled from the school. Her mother understood very well that she was only behaving like a child should be, and put her in another school which turned to be wonderful. This is a true story. The little girl grew up to become one of Japan's most popular television personalities.

Adults often forget what it is like being a child. A good teacher should always try to imagine herself in the kid's position, in order to understand why the child behaves that way.

Reply to How to handle complaints from school on Tue, 27 Apr 2010 07:19:57 GMT

stayhome — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 07:19:57 GMT

Just would like to share more. This whole issue started from nursurey. He had a very impatient teacher. When she compliant to me during the parent teacher meeting session, I tried to let her understand the suitation. But she refused to listen and kept telling me I had to cane my ds. In-fact my ds is not like that, he had learnt a lot of bad behaviour from classmates. I had called the principal and requested to change class but she refused. I tried to work with the teacher she said she had to rushed home to cook dinner after school. She had no time for us. I really wanted to change school at that time. But as both my teenage dd had gone the same school so we decided to stay for another year. In K1, we are lucky to have a very good teacher. I had talked to her and she listened. We don’t have big problem at all. he was still active in class but under control by the teacher. In-fact during the school outing we don’t even have to pay extra attention to him like before. my ds was well behave in the group never run away and caused trouble. This was peaceful till some way in K2, he started all the bad behaviour again. I had talked to the teacher, she had alot of discipline methods seen good. But still something is wrong. My ds had behaved in the first school outing during the starting of the year, but very very badly behaved in the 2nd school outing. He will hug the K1 teacher but not the K2 teacher. Ask him he cannot explaint. So teacher still play a very very big role in school.

Reply to How to handle complaints from school on Tue, 27 Apr 2010 06:01:07 GMT

stayhome — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 06:01:07 GMT

Thanks for all your comments.

I do agree that teacher parents have to work together to correct the child behaviour in school. But not all teacher willing to do that for long term. Some are very nice that they will call you every now and then, some just find a lot of work have to be involved. So depend on your luck what kind of teacher your child get. I may get help from other channel. :thankyou:

Reply to How to handle complaints from school on Fri, 23 Apr 2010 12:05:28 GMT

Funz — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 12:05:28 GMT

ks2me:
Both parents and teachers have to work in tandem for behaviour problem kids. There is just no way the behaviour can be controlled if only one party is working on it as the child can manipulate the situation.

Yup. :celebrate:

Reply to How to handle complaints from school on Fri, 23 Apr 2010 11:17:31 GMT

corneyAmber — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 11:17:31 GMT

Both parents and teachers have to work in tandem for behaviour problem kids. There is just no way the behaviour can be controlled if only one party is working on it as the child can manipulate the situation.

Reply to How to handle complaints from school on Fri, 23 Apr 2010 11:12:52 GMT

verykiasu2010 — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 11:12:52 GMT

may be some of the kids have ADHD which the parents aren’t aware of

Reply to How to handle complaints from school on Fri, 23 Apr 2010 11:06:14 GMT

Funz — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 11:06:14 GMT

tamarind:
In my girl's K2 class, there used to be a girl who was a trouble maker. The teacher handled her very well in a class of 18 children. After a few months, she was well disciplined. I doubt that the parents can do anything with the girl, except to put her in a special school. I suspect she has some genetic disorders.

Don't think anyone except the teacher and the child's parents know what truly transpired. The teacher could have roped in the parents' help?

tamarind:
I have a lot of respect for that teacher who tried her best to teach that girl. I do not like teachers who keep complaining to parents. The truth is that there is nothing much that parents can do, talking to such kids is quite useless. The kids may agree to behave in front of the parents, but when they are in school, it is a completely different story.

This is where the parents come in to make the child realise that his/her behaviour at school can have repercussions at home and vice versa. Especially so for preschoolers as there are a lot more flexibilities for the parents and teachers to be in 'cahoots' to manage a child

tamarind:
Teachers are the ones who handle the kids in school, and it is really up to them to discipline the kids.

For most kids without issues, largely yes. But with kids with issues, it is a joint effort.

tamarind:
The fact is that there are good teachers, and there are bad teachers. Do not assume that all teachers are trying their best.

I'd like to think most are decent and trying and approach base on that rather then most are not trying and are just plain complaining.

Reply to How to handle complaints from school on Fri, 23 Apr 2010 10:45:30 GMT

tamarind — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 10:45:30 GMT

In my girl’s K2 class, there used to be a girl who was a trouble maker. The teacher handled her very well in a class of 18 children. After a few months, she was well disciplined. I doubt that the parents can do anything with the girl, except to put her in a special school. I suspect she has some genetic disorders.

I have a lot of respect for that teacher who tried her best to teach that girl. I do not like teachers who keep complaining to parents. The truth is that there is nothing much that parents can do, talking to such kids is quite useless. The kids may agree to behave in front of the parents, but when they are in school, it is a completely different story. Teachers are the ones who handle the kids in school, and it is really up to them to discipline the kids. The fact is that there are good teachers, and there are bad teachers. Do not assume that all teachers are trying their best.

Reply to How to handle complaints from school on Fri, 23 Apr 2010 07:43:24 GMT

Funz — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 07:43:24 GMT

Again, I don’t agree that even if a kid is bright and claims to be bored in class, means that we as parents can ignore when the teacher brings up time and again that he/she disrupts the class.

Yah agree that sometimes, especially at preschool level, a child may show disinterest in work but if the child has shown that he/she is capable, we can let some feedback from the teachers slide. But if the child starts disrupting the class, that is not acceptable. And if the teacher brings it up to the parent time and again, it means he/she needs the parent’s help or co-operation to correct this behaviour.

However capable the teacher is, she is still 1 person handling at least 15 kids in most kindys and an average of 30 kids to a class in most primary school and in most cases, more then 1 class. A teacher that bothers will try to work with the parents. A teacher who can’t be bothered will just put the disruptive child aside so that she can continue with the rest of class.

So if my kid’s teacher give constant feedback, I do believe it is something that needs looking into.

Reply to How to handle complaints from school on Fri, 23 Apr 2010 07:17:20 GMT

tamarind — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 07:17:20 GMT

ks2me:

I never like the idea of accepting children's bad behaviour on the pretext that the child is bright, gifted and hence can be allowed to go on with such behaviour in class and disrupts everyone else's learning. Sometimes I wonder if it is the only way a parent gets the yardstick that the child is bright and ahead.

I also do not accept that very bright kids should be allowed to disrupt others. That is why I wrote that such kids should be \"trained\" to tolerate boredom, and I also suggested ways, the best of which is to read interesting books suitable for the child's intellectual ability.

Personally I think it is fine to start training in P1 which is the start of formal education. To me, kindergarten is the time when the kids can enjoy, because the class size is small, and also because we pay a lot of school fees and I expect more from the teacher. I feel very sad for a young child to be restricted, and be made to sit down and listen for long periods of time, this is actually not natural. During my generation, half of the kids in my P1 class never attended kindergarten, and we all grow up fine. I am actually more worried about the younger generation.

Reply to How to handle complaints from school on Fri, 23 Apr 2010 06:41:09 GMT

tamarind — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 06:41:09 GMT

Funz:
No offense to tamarind but I will just have to disagree with her sweeping statement to ignore the teacher if the child is in kindergarten.

Even if your child is a preschooler, if the teacher constantly gives you feedback about your child's behaviour in school, it will be good if you can sit down to figure out what is the issue. Not all behavioural issues of preschoolers are due to lack of interest in school activities. And it really depends on the extent of behavioural issues that the child is exhibiting before we can totally ignore the teacher's feedback.

I did not mean it as a sweeping statement. What I wrote was addressed to stayhome's case only. I never meant it for other parents.

I had the impression that stayhome knew exactly what was the problem with her boy. She wrote that her boy is bright, and he said he is bored. Parents should just listen to the child and not make everything into such a big issue. A good teacher should be trained to handle kids of different abilities.

Reply to How to handle complaints from school on Fri, 23 Apr 2010 06:10:37 GMT

corneyAmber — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 06:10:37 GMT

Yes I agree with Funz that it should not be ignored but need to find the root of the problem. Being disruptive in class is never right and if the parents do not nib it at the bud, it will only go on to worser things which I have known.

I never like the idea of accepting children’s bad behaviour on the pretext that the child is bright, gifted and hence can be allowed to go on with such behaviour in class and disrupts everyone else’s learning. Sometimes I wonder if it is the only way a parent gets the yardstick that the child is bright and ahead.

A child is only as bright as his/her behaviour and adults should not take the easy way of thinking that they will change on their own or will outgrow.

My child was bored in K2 but I had never allowed her to misbehave in school. At worst, I kept her home for the remaining part of her kindy days.

In primary school, I did have my concerns of disruption initially, but nothing came close to that…she used her time in the following way according to the FT:
1. Be teacher’s assistant, i.e. be a coach to the average kids, teacher coaches the poorer ones.
2. Draws, I give her mini sketchbooks which she is eager to show me her improvement on some pictures she is working on.
3. Writes, I give her mini notebooks which she is eager to share with me
4. Reads, she is motivated to share with me how many pages she reads in a day
5. I also give her some mini tasks to find out certain things for me from school

But my child is not gifted, just enjoys learning if the teacher is motivating.