Anxiety - daughter going to stay at university hall

Reply to Anxiety - daughter going to stay at university hall on Thu, 31 Aug 2023 15:17:09 GMT

peasants — Thu, 31 Aug 2023 15:17:09 GMT

mwchua\" post_id=\"2110597\" time=\"1686365425\" user_id=\"1342:

Thanks everyone for your advice.

To be frank there is not much we can say now, as it will be construed as not having trust in her.

Guess can only pray hard there is enough common sense to work this through...

Besides praying, might as well start mountain biking or running or anything new to get you occupied. Kids would be overly excited abt yolo, nothing else matters to them.

Reply to Anxiety - daughter going to stay at university hall on Thu, 31 Aug 2023 00:19:12 GMT

sharonkhoo — Thu, 31 Aug 2023 00:19:12 GMT

mwchua\" post_id=\"2110273\" time=\"1685954664\" user_id=\"1342:

Hi all,

I know it's me being extremely paranoid...

Can't help but ever since DD decides on the university which due to distance, needs to stay at hall, it has really made me very anxious.
...

Since this thread came up again:
Hi mwchua, How are you coping? Your daughter will have started staying at the university hall already.

Reply to Anxiety - daughter going to stay at university hall on Wed, 30 Aug 2023 22:27:24 GMT

Lenny08 — Wed, 30 Aug 2023 22:27:24 GMT

Good advice, totally agree

It’s part of growing up - she has to spread her wings, and you will have let her try. Just keep the communication lines open, and show that you are supportive. Then she will feel able to share with you any anxieties or uncertainties she has - she will surely have some!

Try not to give too much advice or instructions unless she asks, but you can raise issues in discussion along the way. I found it helpful, when my daughter was preparing to go overseas, to ask questions like: I wonder if…? Do you think there will be…? She might show me that she already had the info, or had already thought about it; or it would remind her that she ought to find out! Be excited along with her about all the new experiences, different ways of doing things, new ways of living etc.

Also try not to show that you are fearful about how she will cope, but tell her that she is sensible, that she will know how to ask for info, etc. (This will suggest to her ways that she can figure things out!)
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Reply to Anxiety - daughter going to stay at university hall on Thu, 03 Aug 2023 05:26:29 GMT

WilsDav — Thu, 03 Aug 2023 05:26:29 GMT

I believe you raised her as a sensible Girl. She can be fairly independent at that age. I can feel you. But good thing is she is only few miles away from you.

Reply to Anxiety - daughter going to stay at university hall on Sat, 10 Jun 2023 04:13:34 GMT

sharonkhoo — Sat, 10 Jun 2023 04:13:34 GMT

mwchua\" post_id=\"2110597\" time=\"1686365425\" user_id=\"1342:

Thanks everyone for your advice.

To be frank there is not much we can say now, as it will be construed as not having trust in her.

Guess can only pray hard there is enough common sense to work this through...

It's part of growing up - she has to spread her wings, and you will have let her try. Just keep the communication lines open, and show that you are supportive. Then she will feel able to share with you any anxieties or uncertainties she has - she will surely have some!

Try not to give too much advice or instructions unless she asks, but you can raise issues in discussion along the way. I found it helpful, when my daughter was preparing to go overseas, to ask questions like: I wonder if...? Do you think there will be...? She might show me that she already had the info, or had already thought about it; or it would remind her that she ought to find out! Be excited along with her about all the new experiences, different ways of doing things, new ways of living etc.

Also try not to show that you are fearful about how she will cope, but tell her that she is sensible, that she will know how to ask for info, etc. (This will suggest to her ways that she can figure things out!)

Reply to Anxiety - daughter going to stay at university hall on Sat, 10 Jun 2023 03:53:11 GMT

Funz — Sat, 10 Jun 2023 03:53:11 GMT

:hugs: mwchua

Another milestone for your DD. They do grow up so fast don't they. Like it or not, we have to let them fly.

As parents, we cannot help but worry and wonder. Especially when we have walked that path and are aware of all the possible missteps that one can make.

Have faith in your parenting and that your DD will be able to navigate this new challenge.

While we let them go, we can still set our expectations, make it a must for her to come home at least once a week. That way you can catch up with her and cheer her on at the same time monitor how she is coping.

Reply to Anxiety - daughter going to stay at university hall on Sat, 10 Jun 2023 03:26:03 GMT

Liew Nga Wing — Sat, 10 Jun 2023 03:26:03 GMT

mwchua\" post_id=\"2110597\" time=\"1686365425\" user_id=\"1342:

Thanks everyone for your advice.

To be frank there is not much we can say now, as it will be construed as not having trust in her.

Guess can only pray hard there is enough common sense to work this through...

Let you dd know you respect her decision and have full confidence on her.

Reply to Anxiety - daughter going to stay at university hall on Sat, 10 Jun 2023 02:50:25 GMT

mwchua — Sat, 10 Jun 2023 02:50:25 GMT

Thanks everyone for your advice.

To be frank there is not much we can say now, as it will be construed as not having trust in her.

Guess can only pray hard there is enough common sense to work this through…

Reply to Anxiety - daughter going to stay at university hall on Wed, 07 Jun 2023 10:27:40 GMT

Imp75 — Wed, 07 Jun 2023 10:27:40 GMT

Yes nowadays teenagers do not appreciate being talked down so maybe if parents hv any concerns, can raise or discuss w them prior to the occurrences.

For girls, I would encourage sharing some tips to not put themselves at danger/risks ie drunkenness/unwanted pregnancy etc.

Reply to Anxiety - daughter going to stay at university hall on Wed, 07 Jun 2023 10:15:14 GMT

zac's mum — Wed, 07 Jun 2023 10:15:14 GMT

Better that they know the choices than not know. By then will be too late to salvage. So yes i encourage having the talk(s) [not lecture].

Reply to Anxiety - daughter going to stay at university hall on Wed, 07 Jun 2023 09:25:32 GMT

Liew Nga Wing — Wed, 07 Jun 2023 09:25:32 GMT

Sigh…This is what my parents talked to me when I was in teenager, it was around 40 years ago.

Times have changed and the situation is different now from the way it was in the past. Even not staying in university hall does not mean the risk is not existed. I pass by NUS campus every day and there are 03 budget or hourly hotels in the junction of Clementi Road and Pasir Panjang Road. Why are these hotels located there? Mostly likely is for those undergraduate…you understand.

When DS was in polytechnic, because he has inherit DH’s handsome face, there were many girls around him. DH talked to him not only on what he would do in case of his girlfriend got pregnant, DH had to discuss what are those contraception tools, what to do for unprotected…some type of emergency contraception, etc…

Reply to Anxiety - daughter going to stay at university hall on Tue, 06 Jun 2023 13:09:36 GMT

ChiefKiasu — Tue, 06 Jun 2023 13:09:36 GMT

I think it’s important that your child understands that, for the first time in their lives, they are fully responsible for themselves. And that you are letting go of them, leaving them to fend for themselves. If possible, talk to them about BGR issues and sex. Get their thoughts on these issues, and not simply mandate. The more you mandate, the more curious they are going to be on the subject. Just ask them, in a open discussion manner, what they will do if they get pregnant. Will they quit school? How are they going to get a job then? Be candid. And it should be an open discussion, and not just you telling them what to do.

Reply to Anxiety - daughter going to stay at university hall on Tue, 06 Jun 2023 12:51:08 GMT

sharonkhoo — Tue, 06 Jun 2023 12:51:08 GMT

floppy\" post_id=\"2110359\" time=\"1686044153\" user_id=\"97579:

Here’s me jumping in.

To put your mind at ease…
All the negative things that you have heard about in the hall… late night binge, mahjong, games, supper, BGR, and all the things that you don’t want your parents to know… it’s all true.

Probably the best 3+ years of my (and many hall mates’) life When we bumped into each other, no matter which part of the world we are in, or reminisce over social media when some memories popped up, we will always have a good laugh over the kind of nonsense that we had done. There’s no better time to be stupid (unless your child’s career aspiration is to be a politician). YOLO.

Welcome to adulthood.

To the original poster - Sure, all the negative things are true. What is not true is that all students are doing those things, and will do them to extremes all the 4 years. Most of those things are not bad in moderation. You should know what kind of person your child is. If you fear that your child will do them to extremes, to the extent of jeopardising their health, safety or degree, then maybe staying at home may be wiser. Looking at the list floppy provided, I think my very sensible daughter did most of them at one point or another, but never to extremes. She's none the worse for it. You're only 19 once.

Reply to Anxiety - daughter going to stay at university hall on Tue, 06 Jun 2023 09:35:53 GMT

floppy — Tue, 06 Jun 2023 09:35:53 GMT

Here’s me jumping in.

To put your mind at ease…
All the negative things that you have heard about in the hall… late night binge, mahjong, games, supper, BGR, and all the things that you don’t want your parents to know… it’s all true.

Probably the best 3+ years of my (and many hall mates’) life When we bumped into each other, no matter which part of the world we are in, or reminisce over social media when some memories popped up, we will always have a good laugh over the kind of nonsense that we had done. There’s no better time to be stupid (unless your child’s career aspiration is to be a politician). YOLO.

Welcome to adulthood.

Reply to Anxiety - daughter going to stay at university hall on Tue, 06 Jun 2023 03:28:26 GMT

doodbug — Tue, 06 Jun 2023 03:28:26 GMT

Please do not be nervous about kids opting to stay in university halls. It is an experience that we as parents, cannot replicate for the kids. The nervousness may be construed by the kid as distrust, paranoia or not allowing for mistakes, all of which we do not wish to inadvertently convey.

Let’s look at it in perspective - some of our kids would have gone through secondary school in Singapore which offered a boarding component, for one term or semester. Many have gone on short overseas trips with their school.

Singapore is already a sheltered and benign environment. It is very important for a child/human to learn and gain confidence that they can live and function on their own. It will be a greater regret in life if a student who wants to experience hall life, didn’t have the courage to do so, or didn’t have the opportunity to do so.

We won’t be around to protect our kids forever. And they won’t and don’t want us to either.

Reply to Anxiety - daughter going to stay at university hall on Tue, 06 Jun 2023 00:00:46 GMT

sharonkhoo — Tue, 06 Jun 2023 00:00:46 GMT

mwchua\" post_id=\"2110273\" time=\"1685954664\" user_id=\"1342:

Hi all,

I know it's me being extremely paranoid...

Can't help but ever since DD decides on the university which due to distance, needs to stay at hall, it has really made me very anxious.

From the feeling of why she does not choose the city campus university even though both offers her the 1st choice. To downright worried if she can resist some undesirable practice which is rampant at hall, e.g. keeping late night, supper, drinking, BGR etc...and also if she can properly takes good care of herself...

She has made up her mind and chosen the university at far west. As much as I try to look at the positive side, but I still can't help but really getting worried. And as most of her friend is going to the city campus university, she will have a stranger as room mate....which is another big unknown...

Anyone can help to share experience of your child staying at university hall? Any advice will be greatly appreciated :?:

A typical 19yo should be well able to manage living in hall! Unless she has learning, mental or physical disabilities, you shouldn't need to worry. Presumably you have raised her to be sensible, to have some discipline, to know how to to deal with others, take care of herself, make new friends... if not, it's time for her to learn. And she's only in Singapore - at worst, she only needs to get a Grab home, or call and you can be with her in under an hour. And she'll probably go home every weekend.

I may sound callous, but really, a 19yo needs to be able to be fairly independent. Living away from home, if only a few miles away, will be a good opportunity for her. My younger girl studied overseas - she roomed with a stranger (who of course became a friend) and managed very well. We skyped every week, but she handled most things on her own, with some consultation if she felt she needed it. With WA, it was a huge difference from my day of expensive coin-phones!

A caveat - I also have another daughter with mild learning disabilities. She didn't want to live in hall though I would have liked her to try, but I didn't press her. But if your daughter doesn't have those issues, the concerns you have are mostly yours, so just keep telling yourself that your daughter will learn to manage! She won't make every decision exactly as you would like, and she will sometimes make mistakes. But at 19yo, most mistakes are not life-threatening or irrecoverable, and mistakes are the best (sometimes the only) way to learn. As a parent, take pride that your daughter wants to be more independent. Just let her know that you are always there if she needs consultation or bailing out, but let her take the lead - if she feels that you will take over decision-making, or blame her for mistakes, then she will seek help from elsewhere instead.

Reply to Anxiety - daughter going to stay at university hall on Mon, 05 Jun 2023 11:13:47 GMT

starlight1968sg — Mon, 05 Jun 2023 11:13:47 GMT

MrsKiasu\" post_id=\"2110295\" time=\"1685963023\" user_id=\"43981:

I feel excited when I read this. I hope my dds have the chance too.

Personally I find that is a good thing. Kid can try be independent, parents can try to let go. Any issues, within 1 hr can reach. On the influences that parents worry..we can always remind them to be careful.

It is not easy to let go.

Reply to Anxiety - daughter going to stay at university hall on Mon, 05 Jun 2023 11:03:43 GMT

MrsKiasu — Mon, 05 Jun 2023 11:03:43 GMT

I feel excited when I read this. I hope my dds have the chance too.

Personally I find that is a good thing. Kid can try be independent, parents can try to let go. Any issues, within 1 hr can reach. On the influences that parents worry…we can always remind them to be careful.

Reply to Anxiety - daughter going to stay at university hall on Mon, 05 Jun 2023 09:24:58 GMT

Imp75 — Mon, 05 Jun 2023 09:24:58 GMT

mwchua\" post_id=\"2110273\" time=\"1685954664\" user_id=\"1342:

Hi all,

I know it's me being extremely paranoid...

Can't help but ever since DD decides on the university which due to distance, needs to stay at hall, it has really made me very anxious.

From the feeling of why she does not choose the city campus university even though both offers her the 1st choice. To downright worried if she can resist some undesirable practice which is rampant at hall, e.g. keeping late night, supper, drinking, BGR etc...and also if she can properly takes good care of herself...

She has made up her mind and chosen the university at far west. As much as I try to look at the positive side, but I still can't help but really getting worried. And as most of her friend is going to the city campus university, she will have a stranger as room mate....which is another big unknown...

Anyone can help to share experience of your child staying at university hall? Any advice will be greatly appreciated :?:

Since our time, staying in hall means late night suppers, mahjong, drinking sessions, bad luck if can't choose your room-mates etc but hey that's part of hall-life isn't it? As long as you know your daughter well enough and know that she has self-discipline, I think everything will pan out fine, as long as she can manage her studies/hall-life well. Once they stay on hall, there is really nothing much parents can control isn't it? So maybe just chill and observe?

Reply to Anxiety - daughter going to stay at university hall on Mon, 05 Jun 2023 09:14:34 GMT

ChiefKiasu — Mon, 05 Jun 2023 09:14:34 GMT

mwchua\" post_id=\"2110273\" time=\"1685954664\" user_id=\"1342:

Hi all,

I know it's me being extremely paranoid...

Can't help but ever since DD decides on the university which due to distance, needs to stay at hall, it has really made me very anxious.

From the feeling of why she does not choose the city campus university even though both offers her the 1st choice. To downright worried if she can resist some undesirable practice which is rampant at hall, e.g. keeping late night, supper, drinking, BGR etc...and also if she can properly takes good care of herself...

She has made up her mind and chosen the university at far west. As much as I try to look at the positive side, but I still can't help but really getting worried. And as most of her friend is going to the city campus university, she will have a stranger as room mate....which is another big unknown...

Anyone can help to share experience of your child staying at university hall? Any advice will be greatly appreciated :?:

Seriously speaking, if I am the child, I would want to stay far away from home. It gives me a good chance to experience a life that is independent, unknown, and always exciting. I will learn what it takes to look after myself, and be fully responsible for what I do for myself. After a while, I will miss home, and could better see the things that used to be done for me, automatically, by my parents. I will learn to appreciate all that my parents have done for me.

These are my feelings after spending 5 years studying overseas where I have to face my battles alone. I know it is difficult for the parent as we are always worried for our children. But having been through it myself, I will say that the experience was invaluable in preparing us for adulthood.

But I digress. Your child will be in Singapore, much closer to home. She will be back during weekends, which I'm sure she will love being pampered by her parents Don't worry. It's a precious experience!

Reply to Anxiety - daughter going to stay at university hall on Mon, 05 Jun 2023 09:04:41 GMT

starlight1968sg — Mon, 05 Jun 2023 09:04:41 GMT

mwchua\" post_id=\"2110273\" time=\"1685954664\" user_id=\"1342:

Hi all,

I know it's me being extremely paranoid...

Can't help but ever since DD decides on the university which due to distance, needs to stay at hall, it has really made me very anxious.

From the feeling of why she does not choose the city campus university even though both offers her the 1st choice. To downright worried if she can resist some undesirable practice which is rampant at hall, e.g. keeping late night, supper, drinking, BGR etc...and also if she can properly takes good care of herself...

She has made up her mind and chosen the university at far west. As much as I try to look at the positive side, but I still can't help but really getting worried. And as most of her friend is going to the city campus university, she will have a stranger as room mate....which is another big unknown...

Anyone can help to share experience of your child staying at university hall? Any advice will be greatly appreciated :?:

I understand you.

My dd stayed in Tembusu despite we lived in the west.
She stayed in a single room for 2 years and then covid struck. She moved back and attended lessons online for the rest of her two years

Initially I hv to get used to the empty nest syndrome. Came home after work, only to find hamsters at home; dh returned quite late from his work.
On Fri evening, we would pick her up and on Sun evening, we would send her back to the campus.
During term break, she either stayed in the campus or returned home.
Gradually I got used to this living. When she moved back, I got to readjust myself.

Looking back, I think it is a valuable experience for her and my family. Afterall, she has to learn to be indept and not forever hiding under my wings.

The other regret I had was she was unable to go overseas to study for a term due to covid.

For a start, you can arrange a time to video call her. Once she settles down, just leave her alone to focus on her studies. She is still in Spore and she can return anytime.