duriz:

jeestan:

Any suggestions how I can make my anti-noise, anti-clan DH enjoy the family get-togethers?

Both DH and I come from big-extended families, we use these 3 tips during family holidays and celebration, hope it's useful for you:

1. Slow down - during the event/outing, take/do things one at a time. Sure it takes longer, but that’s the fun part. It reduces stimulus overload, it gives time for pictures, it builds lasting memories.

2. Speed Up - The old aphorism is true: fish and visitors smell in 3 days. Keep your family “outings” short and sweet. It’s always better to leave on a good note than to overstay your welcome.

3. Idle - Take good care of eachother before those stressful days. Take a long shower together (see? my favorite — go see a movie — take a walk — go and get some coffee. Recharge and renew. If you can take mini-retreats away from it all — even in the midst of it all, you’ll be better equipped to be calm, cool, and connected when you participate in your family outings.

buds:

Psst, duriz... read this before? :evil:


http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1091&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=110


http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1091&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=320

duriz:

# Let your children know that you two need time alone together. Tell them they can knock on your closed bedroom door only if there is blood.

janet_lee88:

I feel that there could be a reason behind this hostility. Could there be some argument or unhappiness between your wife and parents that you don't know of ?


My hubby doesn't and will never see the true colours of his mother. Because she is an angel in front of him. When I am in the kitchen with his mother, her horns appear when he is not around but the moment he walks into the kitchen, she is very demure. :x

LKVM:

duriz:

Tell them they can knock on your closed bedroom door only if there is blood.

# Take showers together.

I simply loved these 2 :celebrate:

duriz:

jeestan:

Any suggestions how I can make my anti-noise, anti-clan DH enjoy the family get-togethers?

Both DH and I come from big-extended families, we use these 3 tips during family holidays and celebration, hope it's useful for you:

1. Slow down - during the event/outing, take/do things one at a time. Sure it takes longer, but that’s the fun part. It reduces stimulus overload, it gives time for pictures, it builds lasting memories.

2. Speed Up - The old aphorism is true: fish and visitors smell in 3 days. Keep your family “outings” short and sweet. It’s always better to leave on a good note than to overstay your welcome.

3. Idle - Take good care of eachother before those stressful days. Take a long shower together (see? my favorite — go see a movie — take a walk — go and get some coffee. Recharge and renew. If you can take mini-retreats away from it all — even in the midst of it all, you’ll be better equipped to be calm, cool, and connected when you participate in your family outings.

duriz:

Hi jeestan, I'm a Mummy

Before suggesting family activities for your anti-social spouse, how about some activities just for the two of you?

# Schedule a weekend or a date just for the two of you. Write it on your calendar, put it on your computer planner, etc. Don't change it for any other event. Get someone to watch the kids or stay home. You don't have to go anywhere.
# Have lunch together once a week. On nice days, meet in a park.
# Let your children know that you two need time alone together. Tell them they can knock on your closed bedroom door only if there is blood.
# Walk around the block together.
# Do chores together like the dishes or laundry. It may not sound like quality time, but it can be.
# When you are running errands together, turn off the radio or CD player in the car and talk with one another.

And my personal favorite:
# Take showers together.

jeestan:

Any suggestions how I can make my anti-noise, anti-clan DH enjoy the family get-togethers?

jeestan:

Duriz, I am not sure if you are a husband or a wife, I am quite new here but I really am amazed at your suggestions, you think of everything to help the wife get along with her ILs. Reading all this makes me start to think of dream dates to go with DH, haha. But seriously, my DH bulks at joining the whole clan (my family) when we have our noisy get-togethers. and I think even if I come up with these suggestions like you mention, he would not want to go once my family comes along, I think it is because he is an only child. He is not used to all the noise we make. Any suggestions how I can make my anti-noise, anti-clan DH enjoy the family get-togethers?

insider:

The above struck something in me...

duriz:

LKVM:

Duriz ur post is very nice and an eye opener... I really pity ur mom

Thank you dear LKVM.
I guess we are all MILs in the making (whether on DS or DD's side).
I only hope that I do good by my child when my turn comes and exercise what my Mom preaches.
To be a \"ke ai lao ren\" i.e. to be seen and not heard.
It's easier said than done.

duriz:

Then the spouse should be treated to endless massages and spa treatments and the host family can do whatever hell it is that they do everyday

Just kidding.

If spouse is domesticated:
1. plan and/or cook meals together.
2. rent favorite movies and have a movie night
3. charades?

If spouse is outdoorsy:
1. plan early morning/evening walks before breakfast and after dinner
2. hikes/fishing/camping
3. roadtrips?

If spouse is a foodie:
1. wine valley trips
2. food sampling at local markets
3. BBQ/Pool party?

buds:

Have you thought of bringing your spouse for a holiday where your parents are residing overseas? But itinerary must be planned to a T where she'd have her moment of fun and yet the 'whole' family will also get quality bonding time...


What thinks you?

cherrygal:

actually, if you put aside those DILs from hell, there usually is a reason for every reaction. Things that may seem small to a man might be amplified and taken in a bad way for women. For eg, my colleague lives with her MIL and used to get on quite ok with her. But after she got pregnant, my friend was expecting more \"care\" from the MIL like better food and treatment etc. But the MIL cooked food that was not nutritious at all and she ended up eating out most days. The MIL also complained about her putting baby items around the house (huh?). Then after the birth of her baby girl, she also didn't get the love from the MIL (izzit becoz it's a gal?). So now my colleague has changed her attitude towards the MIL. Her DH of coz brushes all these off. Izzit my colleague's fault? I don't think so.


Not that women are biased, but men need to be more aware of what happens in the background.

I was also fine with my MIL till I saw the difference in treatment between myself and her other son's wife when she finally had a child. I also happened to haf my 2nd baby and the differences were stark. Quite sad for my dd to be born the same year as that SIL's boy. I also withdrew myself from my in-laws. Did DH understand? Not at the beginning, but after my constant clarifications and showing evidence of favoritism, he
finally supported me.

MMM:

I feel that when 2 person marry, you are not marrying each other but the entire family as well.So it's hard to live in your own world only and have eyes for only your spouse.

w_y_chung:

duriz:

My SIL is one such example.

I do not want to comment on her behavior whether it is respectful or not to your parents. So please don't flame me if what I write below is hard to interpret and sounded like I criticize her.

Assumption: It could be her up-bringing that she was taught to behave this way. If so, it is not 'her' fault.

If your SIL however insists your brother to do all the things she does not do, then, I think there is an imbalance in the treatment / double standard and it also means she knows what should be done but not doing it.