What to do if your child is very stubborn?

Reply to What to do if your child is very stubborn? on Mon, 10 Sep 2018 04:55:32 GMT

CerlynR — Mon, 10 Sep 2018 04:55:32 GMT

By example. If he won’t listen to you, sit him down and try to explain what is wrong with his behavior. Time out also works for

some, for some it does not.

Reply to What to do if your child is very stubborn? on Sun, 09 Sep 2018 05:08:44 GMT

funnygummyyummy — Sun, 09 Sep 2018 05:08:44 GMT

is it really an asian thing about shouting at children? I see angmohs they rarely have to shout

Reply to What to do if your child is very stubborn? on Sun, 05 Aug 2018 03:24:30 GMT

MrsKiasu — Sun, 05 Aug 2018 03:24:30 GMT

yes vinegar, I find shouting somehow doesnt work as well when they are more grown up. My shouting has reduced alot recently. Understanding each other may be better solution. dd1 so kaypoh that recently she is trying to look into traits of personal horoscope…we kinda briefly discussed about it and later on she says I really displaying my horoscope when I lecture them two.

Reply to What to do if your child is very stubborn? on Sun, 05 Aug 2018 03:18:02 GMT

vinegar — Sun, 05 Aug 2018 03:18:02 GMT

I learn anger mgmt thru managing my ds :roll: i find yelling n scolding him isn’t going to do much good. Frd advised me that if keep shouting at them for everything, thry will emotionally distance themselves n may stop listening to you as a sign of protest. That was what happened to her..

When talk to him, i try to calm and soft, but firm. The tone is impt...

Reply to What to do if your child is very stubborn? on Sun, 05 Aug 2018 03:06:10 GMT

vinegar — Sun, 05 Aug 2018 03:06:10 GMT

At times, when i tired of nagging n lecturing, i just simply ignore him. Let him 反醒

Reply to What to do if your child is very stubborn? on Tue, 31 Jul 2018 05:29:38 GMT

funnygummyyummy — Tue, 31 Jul 2018 05:29:38 GMT

I noticed raising spoken volume helps. It's actually shouting. thinking of other ways to limit this

Reply to What to do if your child is very stubborn? on Wed, 16 Nov 2016 04:46:32 GMT

danielwmlow — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 04:46:32 GMT

There is always the soft and hard approach. Will come back to this in a mo.

Then, it is the growing up Stages-and-Ages issues? How old is the kid? Gender. Family & Environment.

Back the first one:
Soft Approach:
1. Patience
2. Make a conscious effort to understand the child’s point of view
3. Make peace and conciliatory gestures
4. Bargain and incentive to comply
Hard Approach:
a. I am the "Parent" - you listen to me
b. Punishment, curfew, isolation
c. Take away his precious smartphone or no computer for the now
d. Silence & "ostracize"

Alternatively, get a neutral outside party to intervene and understand, resolve.
Another approach - best to spend a week-end together on a one-to-one basis, and talk nothing about the subject that is troubling both of you. Indulge in fun and do silly things and forget about the "sorrows". Who knows, the relationship may dramatically improve after such an outing.

Reply to What to do if your child is very stubborn? on Fri, 22 Oct 2010 03:52:47 GMT

duriz — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 03:52:47 GMT

DesertWind:
\"Ren lao xing bu lao\" that's how we feel. But I try not to say the \"O\" word since our BB still young long way more to go!

Cheerios comrade & lets celebrate our days gone by!
:hi5:

You betcha retrolicious momma :celebrate:

Reply to What to do if your child is very stubborn? on Fri, 22 Oct 2010 03:52:03 GMT

duriz — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 03:52:03 GMT

baglady:
Yaohan! Ah those were the days... I remember there use to be Star Wars characters walking around in the toy section. It use to freak me out seeing Darth Vader or a storm trooper walking towards me!

Good old days and memories...

Did any one go for the Retro concert at Fort Canning? Debbie Gibson, Rick Astley and Johnny Hates Jazz! Hahaha it was really blast from the past! Me and hubby and some friends went together and it was so fun. Everyone left their kids with parents or in laws. hehe!

Ah! Are you afraid of mascots too?

http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?t=13683

Didn't go to retrolicious concert.
DD too young to subcontract out for the night.
Day time no problem.
Night falls and it's mama, mama, mama.
Velcro-baby :love:

Actually it's velcro mama as well :oops:

Reply to What to do if your child is very stubborn? on Thu, 21 Oct 2010 02:48:14 GMT

baglady — Thu, 21 Oct 2010 02:48:14 GMT

Yaohan! Ah those were the days… I remember there use to be Star Wars characters walking around in the toy section. It use to freak me out seeing Darth Vader or a storm trooper walking towards me!

Good old days and memories…

Did any one go for the Retro concert at Fort Canning? Debbie Gibson, Rick Astley and Johnny Hates Jazz! Hahaha it was really blast from the past! Me and hubby and some friends went together and it was so fun. Everyone left their kids with parents or in laws. hehe!

Reply to What to do if your child is very stubborn? on Thu, 21 Oct 2010 02:43:33 GMT

baglady — Thu, 21 Oct 2010 02:43:33 GMT

cherrygal:
Hi baglady,

When my son refuses the alternative, then I take away the alternative. We just go home straight and avoid a public tantrum. That will teach him not to try our patience. By going home, he will realise that his sulking tactics won't work and he loses the entire shopping experience. If he continues his tantrums at home, he will get it from me.

I also found a good way to limit his requests for candies or forbidden items. If he wants for eg. Ribena pastilles, I would offer him just 3. He tries asking for 5, then I go down to 2, and he comes down to 4 and so on. We usually compromise at 3-4 pieces and there'll be no sulking.

And I always tell my DH, if he has to give in anyway, then there's really no point in saying no right? Why say no, make the child holler, then crumble and give in? It only reinforces to the kid that crying gets him things. If it's just small requests like sweets, I give, but in limited quantities. If it's toys, then offer alternatives. If he refuses and insists on crying, he gets nothing. And you got to go all the way and stand your ground when you decide he gets nothing when he cries.

The child is looking up to you for direction. He will behave better when you tell him what behavior you want from him. Your job is to say what you mean and mean what you say. Never waver.

Thanks for the advice cherrygal. I also try not to give in, as I don't want him to think he can get whatever he wants by throwing tantrum. Hubby is also quite firm.

But it's really not easy! Sometimes it takes a lot of strong will on our part. It can be tempting to just give in, as it will stop the crying. I don't know about you but I cannot tahan crying! I try not to beat or cane my boy, but sometimes he really pushes it. And he knows I don't scold or beat him in public. I just give him the dagger eyes and try to reason with him. Usually it works, but sometimes he will just cry and cry. Lucky he doesn't scream and shout or throw himself on the floor...

Reply to What to do if your child is very stubborn? on Wed, 20 Oct 2010 11:27:11 GMT

DesertWind — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 11:27:11 GMT

duriz:
Sweet memories eh, Mummy DesertWind.

BTW, love your new avatar *pretty* Sigh, last time Yaohan Thomson.
Remember \"Do-Re-Mi\"? Now Fairprice Finest @ Thomson Plaza.
Still live in the same place, boy do I feel my age :oops:

Hi duriz,
Love your avatars too!
For us it was Yaohan @ Plaza Singapura (Dhoby Ghaut). I grew up in Central around Tiong Bahru area!
My impression is that we are quite close in age, you must be one or two years younger than me!
\"Ren lao xing bu lao\" that's how we feel. But I try not to say the \"O\" word since our BB still young long way more to go!
Cheerios comrade & lets celebrate our days gone by!
:hi5:

Reply to What to do if your child is very stubborn? on Wed, 20 Oct 2010 01:53:25 GMT

duriz — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 01:53:25 GMT

DesertWind:
One time I remembered I wanted to buy two books instead of one. I was actually really apprehensive because usually we would buy only one thing each. After gathering up some courage, I asked my dad if I could buy 1 book. After he said yes, I asked if I could buy a second book? I was almost sure he would say no because one should be enough, blah..blah...blah but he nodded his head without saying anything and said \"Mmmm\" (meaning Yes!). I was so happy and delighted and at that point, I remembered thinking my father really loved me! (Truth be said, my father hardly rejects any of our requests!).

:love:
But none of us ever threw tantrums about toys and such. Because by the time Yaohan came about, we were already primary school kids, quite big already lah!

Sweet memories eh, Mummy DesertWind.
BTW, love your new avatar *pretty*

:offtopic:

Sigh, last time Yaohan Thomson.
Remember \"Do-Re-Mi\"?
Now Fairprice Finest @ Thomson Plaza.
Still live in the same place, boy do I feel my age :oops:

Reply to What to do if your child is very stubborn? on Tue, 19 Oct 2010 13:21:50 GMT

DesertWind — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 13:21:50 GMT

mintcc:
20 - 25 years ago, my parents just tell us, no cannot buy because we should not 乱花钱. So now I also say the same to my kid. Must repeat very often....e.g. whenever he wants to buy something unnecessarily.

30 years ago, my parents hardly brought us out to buy anything. In fact, I only remember vividly standing in front of the provision shop or make-shift sweets shop staring at the sweets trying to decide what to buy with my 10 cents.

Later on, Yaohan was the very first shopping centre that we frequent almost every Sunday. My father would bring all 3 of us siblings out to the toys & books section. My 2 brothers would be poring over the Star Wars toys and magic tricks. I would be at the books section reading Enid Blyton. Star Wars toys were very expensive but I think occasionally my father would buy for my brothers one each. I would almost always buy a book. One time I remembered I wanted to buy two books instead of one. I was actually really apprehensive because usually we would buy only one thing each. After gathering up some courage, I asked my dad if I could buy 1 book. After he said yes, I asked if I could buy a second book? I was almost sure he would say no because one should be enough, blah..blah...blah but he nodded his head without saying anything and said \"Mmmm\" (meaning Yes!). I was so happy and delighted and at that point, I remembered thinking my father really loved me! (Truth be said, my father hardly rejects any of our requests!).
:love:
But none of us ever threw tantrums about toys and such. Because by the time Yaohan came about, we were already primary school kids, quite big already lah!

Reply to What to do if your child is very stubborn? on Tue, 19 Oct 2010 08:54:41 GMT

cherrygal — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 08:54:41 GMT

Hi Jedamum

Yup, my son will also take up the alternative coz he knows he will get nothing if he threw a tantrum. I also told him, like him, mom does not like people to nag. The more he nags at me to buy, the more I wouldn't buy it. I told him I preferred to surprise him with the item when he wasn't asking. After a few months, he would forget he even liked that item coz kids get distracted very easily. :lol:

Reply to What to do if your child is very stubborn? on Tue, 19 Oct 2010 03:08:14 GMT

Jennifer — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 03:08:14 GMT

cherrygal:
I also found a good way to limit his requests for candies or forbidden items. If he wants for eg. Ribena pastilles, I would offer him just 3. He tries asking for 5, then I go down to 2, and he comes down to 4 and so on. We usually compromise at 3-4 pieces and there'll be no sulking.

And I always tell my DH, if he has to give in anyway, then there's really no point in saying no right? Why say no, make the child holler, then crumble and give in? It only reinforces to the kid that crying gets him things. If it's just small requests like sweets, I give, but in limited quantities. If it's toys, then offer alternatives. If he refuses and insists on crying, he gets nothing. And you got to go all the way and stand your ground when you decide he gets nothing when he cries.

The child is looking up to you for direction. He will behave better when you tell him what behavior you want from him. Your job is to say what you mean and mean what you say. Never waver.

Exactly. The process of negotiation will also help the child learn how to prepare a proposal in future:lol:

Reply to What to do if your child is very stubborn? on Tue, 19 Oct 2010 02:35:31 GMT

jedamum — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 02:35:31 GMT

cherrygal:

I also found a good way to limit his requests for candies or forbidden items. If he wants for eg. Ribena pastilles, I would offer him just 3. He tries asking for 5, then I go down to 2, and he comes down to 4 and so on. We usually compromise at 3-4 pieces and there'll be no sulking.

And I always tell my DH, if he has to give in anyway, then there's really no point in saying no right? Why say no, make the child holler, then crumble and give in? It only reinforces to the kid that crying gets him things. If it's just small requests like sweets, I give, but in limited quantities. If it's toys, then offer alternatives. If he refuses and insists on crying, he gets nothing. And you got to go all the way and stand your ground when you decide he gets nothing when he cries.

cherrygal,
i usually offers alternative instead of saying No too cos my ds2 does not accept No; he usually takes up my offer cos else he gets nothing.
ds2: can i eat a gummy sweet?
me: no. i can give you a prune.
ds2: no!! i want sweet.
me: you take the prune or you get nothing.
ds2: ok, but i not happy.
me: i'll read you a book after your prune.

then distract him.

when we come upon a playgrd and rushing for time and he requested to play, i will give him at least one slide on the slide. he will then happily listen to me and go off after he satisfied his 'craving'. lolz.

Reply to What to do if your child is very stubborn? on Tue, 19 Oct 2010 02:19:27 GMT

autumnbronze — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 02:19:27 GMT

mintcc:
20 - 25 years ago, my parents just tell us, no cannot buy because we should not 乱花钱. So now I also say the same to my kid. Must repeat very often....e.g. whenever he wants to buy something unnecessarily.

For cheap stuff some times I give in but must tell him doesn't mean I will buy every time. For expensive stuff, will tell him to wait for his Birthday or Christmas.

If he ask why why why, I tell him we must save money to pay for his education so that he can earn $$ to buy things for himself when he grow up.

Ditto

Reply to What to do if your child is very stubborn? on Tue, 19 Oct 2010 02:13:51 GMT

mintcc — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 02:13:51 GMT

20 - 25 years ago, my parents just tell us, no cannot buy because we should not 乱花钱. So now I also say the same to my kid. Must repeat very often…e.g. whenever he wants to buy something unnecessarily.

For cheap stuff some times I give in but must tell him doesn’t mean I will buy every time. or limit such request to once a week or month. For expensive stuff, will tell him to wait for his Birthday or Christmas.

If he ask why why why, I tell him we must save money to pay for his education so that he can earn $$ to buy things for himself when he grow up.

Reply to What to do if your child is very stubborn? on Tue, 19 Oct 2010 01:47:13 GMT

HoSayLiao — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 01:47:13 GMT

[quote]Hi Hosayliao

I am very curious which generation you are speaking about. Sounds like what the post-war generation (our parents) would relate. It is tough to practise what you have suggested unless the family is truly in a poverty situation where the last cent counts. [/quote]I am talking about my generation, when I was a kid about 20 to 25 yrs ago. U can tell your kid that u are in a poverty situation, facing bankruptcy due to business failure and thus no $$ to buy this, buy that. Your kid will be understanding one. And more importantly, he will understand the value of money!!! U buy for him, he will think $$ drop from the sky. Next time grow up sure die, like my friend, earn $2000, spend $3000.

Reply to What to do if your child is very stubborn? on Mon, 18 Oct 2010 17:42:35 GMT

cherrygal — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 17:42:35 GMT

baglady:
Hi cherrygal, thanks for sharing that, really helpful advice. My boy can be quite stubborn too and he'll start throwing tantrum if he doesn't get his way. You're right, when we give him an alternative, it usually works better than just saying No. But sometimes he really won't give up. When he wants something very badly, nothing else will work. He can cry and sulk for 2 hours! Very frustrating!! But hubby and I don't want him to become spoilt and think that he can get his way every time he throw tantrum. Sigh. I hope it's just the terrible 2s!

Hi baglady,
When my son refuses the alternative, then I take away the alternative. We just go home straight and avoid a public tantrum. That will teach him not to try our patience. By going home, he will realise that his sulking tactics won't work and he loses the entire shopping experience. If he continues his tantrums at home, he will get it from me.

I also found a good way to limit his requests for candies or forbidden items. If he wants for eg. Ribena pastilles, I would offer him just 3. He tries asking for 5, then I go down to 2, and he comes down to 4 and so on. We usually compromise at 3-4 pieces and there'll be no sulking.

And I always tell my DH, if he has to give in anyway, then there's really no point in saying no right? Why say no, make the child holler, then crumble and give in? It only reinforces to the kid that crying gets him things. If it's just small requests like sweets, I give, but in limited quantities. If it's toys, then offer alternatives. If he refuses and insists on crying, he gets nothing. And you got to go all the way and stand your ground when you decide he gets nothing when he cries.

The child is looking up to you for direction. He will behave better when you tell him what behavior you want from him. Your job is to say what you mean and mean what you say. Never waver.

Reply to What to do if your child is very stubborn? on Mon, 18 Oct 2010 17:34:30 GMT

cherrygal — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 17:34:30 GMT

Hi Hosayliao

I am very curious which generation you are speaking about. Sounds like what the post-war generation (our parents) would relate. It is tough to practise what you have suggested unless the family is truly in a poverty situation where the last cent counts.

If the kids see the parents driving a nice car and the family lives in a condo, how would you expect the kid to believe that money is hard to come by? In such cases, parents can only control the kid's expectations so as not to spoil them.

And that sort of caning you mentioned will only get us visits by the police for suspected child abuse or public disturbance. My expat friend wanted to call the police when he saw his Chinese neighbours cane their son.

Reply to What to do if your child is very stubborn? on Mon, 18 Oct 2010 14:21:19 GMT

HoSayLiao — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 14:21:19 GMT

After reading some of the posts here, I would like to share how my parents and my neighbours deal with naughty children who throw tantrums to get what they want.

When I was young and I want to buy something, my parents will remind me that money is hard to come by and if we buy that expensive toy, we will have no money to pay electricity and water fees and no money to buy food. I never dare ask for toys again.

In my neighbourhood, naughty children will be caned until the next block can hear the crying and there must be char kway teow marks all over the body. U may try caning your child and ask your spouse go next block of flat to see if can hear the crying. If cannot hear means not caning hard enough.

Reply to What to do if your child is very stubborn? on Mon, 18 Oct 2010 03:01:30 GMT

baglady — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 03:01:30 GMT

cherrygal:

We can be tolerant in public but we cannot let the incident go unaccounted for.

Besides reprimanding or punishing the kid with timeouts etc, we must also cut the root of the problem.

As parents, we need to constantly choose our battles.

Kids are more receptive to cheaper alternatives than a plain NO. They also want a specific date / event to look forward to for presents.

Hi cherrygal, thanks for sharing that, really helpful advice. My boy can be quite stubborn too and he'll start throwing tantrum if he doesn't get his way. You're right, when we give him an alternative, it usually works better than just saying No. But sometimes he really won't give up. When he wants something very badly, nothing else will work. He can cry and sulk for 2 hours! Very frustrating!! But hubby and I don't want him to become spoilt and think that he can get his way every time he throw tantrum. Sigh. I hope it's just the terrible 2s!