<![CDATA[parenting style]]>My ds1, in P4 this year, is a rather smart kid, but very lazy, only likes to play computer games and watch tv.


His cousin (my dh’s younger brother’s son), in P3 this year, though not as smart as my boy (street-wise) is very hardworking. He got into GEP, 2nd stage. (His mom is a ex-teacher and a SAHM.)

Even though nobody is comparing, yet, i felt a bit disappointed in my ds. I wonder if i’ve been too lax with him. My dh and I never really pressurise him in his schoolwork. We want him to have a ‘fun and memorable’ childhood. however, now i began to re-think if this is not right. what do you parents think? what is your parenting style and how has it influenced your kids?

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/topic/14966/parenting-styleRSS for NodeTue, 03 Nov 2026 08:07:40 GMTThu, 21 Oct 2010 07:40:49 GMT60<![CDATA[Reply to parenting style on Fri, 22 Oct 2010 08:25:42 GMT]]>

mrswongtuition:
First thing you must ask yourself, are you disappointed because you know he can do better?

Or are you disappointed because your nephew did better than him?.
both, i guess. 😞
[quote]If it's my son, I will be disappointed because I know he's capable of more.[/quote]

ditto... :celebrate:
[quote]Psst, kids who get into GEP or pass GEP cos of 'training' or cos they are hardworking usually find it though to cope in GEP class. [/quote] 😉 😉 😉
[quote]So don't be too upset that your son did not make it. If it's not meant to be now, it's alright cos he'll be presented with more chances in future.[/quote]i guess so... but it's just i feel like 'bu gan xin' Anyway, i'll try to look at it long term instead of short term. thanks for your encouragement. :celebrate:

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280680https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280680Fri, 22 Oct 2010 08:25:42 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to parenting style on Fri, 22 Oct 2010 08:19:25 GMT]]>

peterch:
... and really stop any of those 2 weeks before CA or SA. So far, this could work well for him and me 😄


I am starting to let him make his own 'time management' and try to make him to follow what he made on his own 🙂
for me, i did not stop these totally for 2 weeks, but shorten the time for him, so he still plays to 'de-stress'.. my ds can't manage his time at this age, maybe he's still not matured enough to do it, but i did try to help him with it, hopefully he'll catch on... :celebrate:

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280677https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280677Fri, 22 Oct 2010 08:19:25 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to parenting style on Fri, 22 Oct 2010 08:14:30 GMT]]>

BlurBee:
[Editor's note: Topic selected & edited for http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/bringing-kid-great-personality.]


This is something my DH sent to me today. :lol:

培养一个有灵性的孩子
by 玄原寺on Friday, October 1, 2010 at 11:04am

最好不要对孩子说下面十句话：

1.你为什么就不能够像--- …孩子被对比,很可能增加他们本能的敌对情绪,甚至耿耿于怀.
应该向孩子讲清楚你的具体要求.重点放在你希望他改变的不良行为上.
oops, can't read this in office, 😢 i presume it's in chinese character cos i only see ===... can anyone translate or capture it in picture format so that i can read. :lol:

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280676https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280676Fri, 22 Oct 2010 08:14:30 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to parenting style on Fri, 22 Oct 2010 03:26:51 GMT]]>

Blobbi:
DS btw is not a I'll-do-as-you-say kid. Quite the opposite. I find it very challenging, sometimes outright taxing, but also very refreshing, especially as he gets older. What i'm trying to say is, he isn't nor did he start out as the perfect kid (just my perfect kid ;)), and I've definitely worked hard to shape our home environment to be conducive to learning. I tell him- I'm the parent, I have more life experience, so I know what's best for him in the long run. And for the first time, he can't argue against that!

Thank you Blobbi but I'm humbled by reading about everyone's experiences.
From what I'd read, you're doing great by your DS.
Sure it can be a challenge, no one said parenting was going to be easy.
My DD is very young compared to most children here.
It's a pleasure and a learning experience for me to come by here everyday.
I thank you in return :celebrate:

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280490https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280490Fri, 22 Oct 2010 03:26:51 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to parenting style on Fri, 22 Oct 2010 03:10:57 GMT]]>

duriz:
KoalaMummy,


I hope your little computer whiz find his calling in life.
And you will be the guiding light that leads him to it.
He is very young and you have the ability to steer him towards the positive, as you see fit.
No fret.
Remember how we were when we were young?
No doubt, terribly incorrigible (sometimes) in our Moms' eyes.
But they never gave up and tried and tried.
Did we all become doctors and lawyers and millionaires?
Perhaps some of us but the bulk of us only hope to do good by our loved ones, live as meaningful a life as possible and contribute to the community the best we can.

Add oil buddy!

:hugs:
:goodpost: !!!

Duriz, you're the woman! I wanted to write something like this, but came out like uh, that. Completely agree with you!!! I hear you on this!

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280463https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280463Fri, 22 Oct 2010 03:10:57 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to parenting style on Fri, 22 Oct 2010 01:01:47 GMT]]>KoalaMummy,


I hope your little computer whiz find his calling in life.
And you will be the guiding light that leads him to it.
He is very young and you have the ability to steer him towards the positive, as you see fit.
No fret.
Remember how we were when we were young?
No doubt, terribly incorrigible (sometimes) in our Moms' eyes.
But they never gave up and tried and tried.
Did we all become doctors and lawyers and millionaires?
Perhaps some of us but the bulk of us only hope to do good by our loved ones, live as meaningful a life as possible and contribute to the community the best we can.

Add oil buddy!

:hugs:

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280331https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280331Fri, 22 Oct 2010 01:01:47 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to parenting style on Fri, 22 Oct 2010 00:58:11 GMT]]>

BlurBee:

4.走开,能不能让我安静一会儿会使他们觉得自己是多余的人,产生无以名状的孤独感.倘若你的确想独自呆一会儿,可以耐心向孩子解释:我很乐意与你在一起,只不过现在太忙,请原谅.

10.你滚吧,想去哪里去哪里最后通牒式的话让孩子没法应对,
他虽然不想离家出走,但更不想就此低头.任性的孩子可能会逞一回英雄真的离家出走了.
:goodpost: Blurbee
Words never to be spoken to our children.
And twelve tips to live by.

Thank you for sharing.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280329https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280329Fri, 22 Oct 2010 00:58:11 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to parenting style on Thu, 21 Oct 2010 16:34:20 GMT]]>Very interesting topic!


For me, I also want my kid to have a happy, memorable childhood. But I don't think it means no effort or no stress. My take is, people feel happy when they find a connection with what they're doing, and they feel happiest when they've achieved something. So I really try hard to connect my son to learning. His reward is from satisfying his own curiosity. I've found out that, at least in my son's case, a little praise can go a long way, so I have to be sparse in this area. I used to give him rewards, but oddly enough, it takes away from the satisfaction he gets from his own effort.

Easy to say, very difficult to do! I cant foist what he dislikes on him; that doesn't seem fair. But i sure can encourage what he likes to do in the first place. It may seem frivolous, but we've built a lot of paper aeroplanes to figure out what flies best and why. He'll also appreciate when he's older that I've stepped in to place limits on activities that (this one definitely is a judgment call) have less merit.

DS btw is not a I'll-do-as-you-say kid. Quite the opposite. I find it very challenging, sometimes outright taxing, but also very refreshing, especially as he gets older. What i'm trying to say is, he isn't nor did he start out as the perfect kid (just my perfect kid ;)), and I've definitely worked hard to shape our home environment to be conducive to learning. I tell him- I'm the parent, I have more life experience, so I know what's best for him in the long run. And for the first time, he can't argue against that!

Koalamummy, if you feel strongly about it, it's not too late to change the situation. It does take (a lot of ) time and resolve. Maybe the trick is to look a little further down the road and ask yourself if you like what you see.

All the best!

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280285https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280285Thu, 21 Oct 2010 16:34:20 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to parenting style on Thu, 21 Oct 2010 15:11:36 GMT]]>My 6 yr old ds is also lazy and like yours, loves to play computer games (like 2 hrs on weekdays & many more on weekends). Think we all know that unless one is a genius (how many are there?), we would not be successful in life with laziness. To swap laziness with its opposite twins diligence, there is motivation (which is internal) and there is incentive (external). For my ds, I guess motivation is definitely not there. So I got to work with incentives which unfortunately cost money.


I use incentives a lot on my ds cos he responds to it. I know a lot of parents are against this form of ‘bribery’, but I believe that if a kid is incentivised and does well academically, slowly his pride will internalise and get him motivated to continue the good performance. Of course upfront motivation is the best, but we got to make the best use of our own individual situation. I give my ds lots of incentives to aim for, different prizes for achieving different targets. Long term & short term targets. You may wish to consider that as a possibility.

But the one thing I never do is to openly compare between top performing kids & ds. Or use them as an example to pressurise ds. Doing so will definitely break the goodwill between the two of us. I believe boys even at a young age will start to treasure their pride and ego. I mean if ds starts to compare me with my millionaire relatives … you get the drift.

Just thinking, if the problem your ds appears lazy is that he does not understand what is taught in sch and does not believe that he’ll do well even if he trys, then you have a different set of problems. I mean you can offer me $10 mil to win olympic gold but I know I’ll never make it so I also won’t be incentivised no matter what. In that case, you may have to spend time coaching him or engage external help. I think for kids who are not inherently motivated to study, a system of incentives & extra coaching (from parents or external) will be most fruitful.

Sorry I sound so long winded cos as a fellow parent, I share your anguish.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280242https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280242Thu, 21 Oct 2010 15:11:36 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to parenting style on Thu, 21 Oct 2010 12:31:23 GMT]]>

KoalaMummy:
My ds1, in P4 this year, is a rather smart kid, but very lazy, only likes to play computer games and watch tv.


His cousin (my dh's younger brother's son), in P3 this year, though not as smart as my boy (street-wise) is very hardworking. He got into GEP, 2nd stage. (His mom is a ex-teacher and a SAHM.)

Even though nobody is comparing, yet, i felt a bit disappointed in my ds. I wonder if i've been too lax with him. My dh and I never really pressurise him in his schoolwork. We want him to have a 'fun and memorable' childhood. however, now i began to re-think if this is not right. what do you parents think? what is your parenting style and how has it influenced your kids?
I know you want your ds to have a 'fun and memorable' childhood, me too!
But my thinking is what is fun and interesting for my dd, is to give her a good foundation in helping her cope with her school life. In this way, she will enjoy learning in school and have a great time. School here is bascially a word-based teaching. So I try to nurture her to have a love for words.So that when she was in P1, she could ease into the academic environment and cope very well.
Take heart, it is still not too late to talk to your ds how you feel and your expectation of him. You have to be clear of what is your expectation of him so that you can help him achieved. 😉

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280117https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280117Thu, 21 Oct 2010 12:31:23 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to parenting style on Thu, 21 Oct 2010 11:28:28 GMT]]>

KoalaMummy:
My ds1, in P4 this year, is a rather smart kid, but very lazy, only likes to play computer games and watch tv.


His cousin (my dh's younger brother's son), in P3 this year, though not as smart as my boy (street-wise) is very hardworking. He got into GEP, 2nd stage. (His mom is a ex-teacher and a SAHM.)

Even though nobody is comparing, yet, i felt a bit disappointed in my ds. I wonder if i've been too lax with him. My dh and I never really pressurise him in his schoolwork. We want him to have a 'fun and memorable' childhood. however, now i began to re-think if this is not right. what do you parents think? what is your parenting style and how has it influenced your kids?
First thing you must ask yourself, are you disappointed because you know he can do better?
Or are you disappointed because your nephew did better than him?

If it's my son, I will be disappointed because I know he's capable of more.
From educator's POV, learning must be consistent and relevant.

Psst, kids who get into GEP or pass GEP cos of 'training' or cos they are hardworking usually find it though to cope in GEP class.
One of my student in NYPS GEP told me that he has classmates whose parents signed them up for those GEP prep class and they got into GEP, now struggling like mad and not doing very well.
He observed that those who got in based on natural ability (no training), coped better.
And he also said that some students who did not make it into GEP but passed first round and got good grades will join them for certain classes/activities.

So don't be too upset that your son did not make it. If it's not meant to be now, it's alright cos he'll be presented with more chances in future.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280104https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280104Thu, 21 Oct 2010 11:28:28 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to parenting style on Thu, 21 Oct 2010 10:49:29 GMT]]>

KoalaMummy:
My ds1, in P4 this year, is a rather smart kid, but very lazy, only likes to play computer games and watch tv.


His cousin (my dh's younger brother's son), in P3 this year, though not as smart as my boy (street-wise) is very hardworking. He got into GEP, 2nd stage. (His mom is a ex-teacher and a SAHM.)

Even though nobody is comparing, yet, i felt a bit disappointed in my ds. I wonder if i've been too lax with him. My dh and I never really pressurise him in his schoolwork. We want him to have a 'fun and memorable' childhood. however, now i began to re-think if this is not right. what do you parents think? what is your parenting style and how has it influenced your kids?
Hi, my DS is in P4 as well. I have the same situation as yours.

What I did so far.... I let him watch TV and play games during weekends only, as weekdays are full with enrichment classes or cca, and really stop any of those 2 weeks before CA or SA. So far, this could work well for him and me 😄

I am starting to let him make his own 'time management' and try to make him to follow what he made on his own 🙂

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280097https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280097Thu, 21 Oct 2010 10:49:29 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to parenting style on Thu, 21 Oct 2010 10:29:11 GMT]]>[Editor's note: Topic selected & edited for http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/bringing-kid-great-personality.]


This is something my DH sent to me today. :lol:

培养一个有灵性的孩子
by 玄原寺on Friday, October 1, 2010 at 11:04am

最好不要对孩子说下面十句话：

1.你为什么就不能够像--- …孩子被对比,很可能增加他们本能的敌对情绪,甚至耿耿于怀.
应该向孩子讲清楚你的具体要求.重点放在你希望他改变的不良行为上.

2.你怎么这么不懂事被话刺伤的孩子只会心生叛逆,把事情弄得更糟.
要和颜悦色,耐心讲理,才能达到预期的目的.

3.你简直笨到家了这话只能使他们的心灵受到极大伤害.有的因此产生自卑感,不求上进.
家长正面积极的鼓励和卓有成效的帮助,才是让孩子养成良好习惯和掌握生活本领的根本方法.

4.走开,能不能让我安静一会儿会使他们觉得自己是多余的人,产生无以名状的孤独感.
倘若你的确想独自呆一会儿,可以耐心向孩子解释:我很乐意与你在一起,只不过现在太忙,请原谅.

5.少啰嗦,闭嘴孩子会认为父母对我的意见一点也不重视.长此下去,
孩子会变得毫无主见,依赖性极强,把自己看成一个无足轻重的人.

6.老老实实去做,不然----- 空洞的威胁最终将损害家长的威信.孩子反而会继续自己的不良行为.
瞧你怎么办. 最好办法是根据实际情况选择具体的偿罚手段.

7.妈妈求你了教育最怕出现奖励不管用,惩罚不能使.孩子软硬不吃,但千万别说妈妈求你了.
说这话就意味着父母缴械投降,孩子会从心里更加篾视你

8.我没本事和孩子谈话时把自己的自卑感表露无遗.绝大多数孩子的自卑感是由家长诱发的.
父母如果能坚定自信,乐观向上,那么孩子对未来也是充满信心的.

9.揍死你当你说这话时,表明你再也拿不出什么好办法了.
这是一句根本无法兑现的大话.孩子并不会因此而停止他的活动.

10.你滚吧,想去哪里去哪里最后通牒式的话让孩子没法应对,
他虽然不想离家出走,但更不想就此低头.任性的孩子可能会逞一回英雄真的离家出走了.


应明确指出孩子的错,即使在批评的时候,也应让他感到父母的慈爱和关切. 你的孩子，你不管谁管？你的孩子，你不爱谁爱？

请你别忘了每天把这份礼物送给孩子们：


1.让孩子无拘无束

2.教孩子关心别人

3.发自内心地大笑

4.表扬得有技巧，鼓励孩子自信心

5.让艺术走进孩子心灵

6.微笑，让孩子懂礼貌

7.适时地让步

8.给孩子展现自己的机会

9.教孩子鉴赏他拥有的东西

10.让孩子掌握新的技能

11.教他控制自己的行为

12.教孩子懂得为自己的行为负责任

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280086https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280086Thu, 21 Oct 2010 10:29:11 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to parenting style on Thu, 21 Oct 2010 09:46:55 GMT]]>

ksi:
Hey anytime my friend! 😄 :celebrate:

:celebrate:

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280057https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280057Thu, 21 Oct 2010 09:46:55 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to parenting style on Thu, 21 Oct 2010 09:44:49 GMT]]>

KoalaMummy:
ksi:

heh heh...see? he is that good for the thought to cross your mind. I ensure I check my ksi account daily to read the good news. :celebrate:


haha... ksi... :thankyou: u made my day :love: :love:

Hey anytime my friend! 😄 :celebrate:

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280054https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280054Thu, 21 Oct 2010 09:44:49 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to parenting style on Thu, 21 Oct 2010 09:42:21 GMT]]>

ksi:
heh heh...see? he is that good for the thought to cross your mind. I ensure I check my ksi account daily to read the good news. :celebrate:

haha... ksi... :thankyou: u made my day :love: :love:

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280050https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280050Thu, 21 Oct 2010 09:42:21 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to parenting style on Thu, 21 Oct 2010 09:36:12 GMT]]>

KoalaMummy:
ksi:

Eh Koalamummy, you never know...your kid may just become a computer game whiz kid in future.... If it happens, don't forget to inform me hor... 😄


haha...that thought did crossed my mind... :lol: No worries, u will be the first one i informed. :love:

heh heh...see? he is that good for the thought to cross your mind.
I ensure I check my ksi account daily to read the good news. :celebrate:

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280044https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280044Thu, 21 Oct 2010 09:36:12 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to parenting style on Thu, 21 Oct 2010 09:34:18 GMT]]>

KoalaMummy:
what is your parenting style and how has it influenced your kids?

I preach to my kids 'no matter how clever you are, you still need to put in sufficient effort, there's simply no short cut in life.' So that goes for whatever they endeavor, be it academic or non academics. I can't stand sloppy attitude. Not sure whether this is considered a style :scratchhead:

They heard me loud and clear but do not necessary practice what I preach every time :lol:

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280043https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280043Thu, 21 Oct 2010 09:34:18 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to parenting style on Thu, 21 Oct 2010 09:31:21 GMT]]>

ksi:
Eh Koalamummy, you never know...your kid may just become a computer game whiz kid in future.... If it happens, don't forget to inform me hor... 😄

haha...that thought did crossed my mind... :lol: No worries, u will be the first one i informed. :love:

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280039https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280039Thu, 21 Oct 2010 09:31:21 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to parenting style on Thu, 21 Oct 2010 09:27:14 GMT]]>

KoalaMummy:
ksi:

Then maybe give him a difficult target on computer game and see how he does? Challenge him to push himself to his limit in what he likes best. It is the spirit you want to cultivate in him. GWIM?


haha, that's my dh's role. he does teach my kids quite a lot of gaming tactics... not my style, don't like computer gaming 😛

Eh Koalamummy, you never know...your kid may just become a computer game whiz kid in future.... If it happens, don't forget to inform me hor... 😄

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280035https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280035Thu, 21 Oct 2010 09:27:14 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to parenting style on Thu, 21 Oct 2010 09:17:07 GMT]]>

ksi:
Then maybe give him a difficult target on computer game and see how he does? Challenge him to push himself to his limit in what he likes best. It is the spirit you want to cultivate in him. GWIM?

haha, that's my dh's role. he does teach my kids quite a lot of gaming tactics... not my style, don't like computer gaming 😛

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280028https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280028Thu, 21 Oct 2010 09:17:07 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to parenting style on Thu, 21 Oct 2010 09:16:18 GMT]]>

KoalaMummy:
ksi:

Eh KoalaMummy, I made an earlier attempt to reply you but failed....let me try again.


Hi KSI, thanks for your encouragment. 😉 Problem is, my ds don't seem to be interested in anything other than computer games and tv programme. :stupid:

Hi, i am in a similar situation with you for my P4 son. Since young, he has been enjoying his childhood with no enrichment classes till P2 where i need to put him in chinese tution as he was really bad (besides swimming and art lesson, which is not academic). Now that he is in P4, i do sometimes felt that if i have gotten him in enrichment classes earlier, maybe he might be better in his work (he was an average child) but at the end of the day, i told myself that i only want my child to be a happy kid, not spending time going to classes etc... I do not send them to enrichment classes on weekends as i felt this is a time to spend with family. I do have a happy boy and that's all it matters. i do not need to be the top 10 in class, as long as he can go to the next level and do not get below 60, I am happy...

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280027https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280027Thu, 21 Oct 2010 09:16:18 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to parenting style on Thu, 21 Oct 2010 09:13:44 GMT]]>

KoalaMummy:
ksi:

Eh KoalaMummy, I made an earlier attempt to reply you but failed....let me try again.


Hi KSI, thanks for your encouragment. 😉 Problem is, my ds don't seem to be interested in anything other than computer games and tv programme. :stupid:

Then maybe give him a difficult target on computer game and see how he does? Challenge him to push himself to his limit in what he likes best. It is the spirit you want to cultivate in him. GWIM?

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280023https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280023Thu, 21 Oct 2010 09:13:44 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to parenting style on Thu, 21 Oct 2010 08:54:35 GMT]]>

ksi:
Eh KoalaMummy, I made an earlier attempt to reply you but failed....let me try again.

Hi KSI, thanks for your encouragment. 😉 Problem is, my ds don't seem to be interested in anything other than computer games and tv programme. :stupid:

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280004https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/280004Thu, 21 Oct 2010 08:54:35 GMT