Son feeling fearful about going to school

Reply to Son feeling fearful about going to school on Mon, 19 May 2014 05:11:57 GMT

ttanwh — Mon, 19 May 2014 05:11:57 GMT

Hi there ,

i agree its not easy to manage 30 plus student for a teacher. But as a teacher they have to understand each student and then engage them.

this is P1 kids just entering a new phase in school life. Thus , for your case speak to the form teacher and address your concern . listen and discuss a better way to aproach for now the kid is having a stigma in him ( fear of teacher )

if situation is not improving approach principal and have open discussion how to address this concern

Reply to Son feeling fearful about going to school on Sun, 10 Apr 2011 14:32:38 GMT

Liz_Ryan — Sun, 10 Apr 2011 14:32:38 GMT

Hi everyone...

Thank you so much for your kind advice and opinions... I swear I really appreciate that...

Have not gotten time to actually reply as I was too busy with so many things lately.

But, you know, thank God, my management has allowed me to leave office one hour earlier now.

And it is so amazing how much difference it does make a difference to my boy.

Having to travel from Changi North, it wud take me 2 hours to travel with public transport... But the latest i wud reach home will be 7.15pm

He wud still reach home before me though. But it feels good to tell him that i'm in the train approaching home soon.

Nowadays he'll tell me he'll go take shower first, wait for me to come back, and take him out to dinner.

It's really like a burden off my chest.

Thanx so much, guys, again, for your kind advice.......

Love u all!!!!

Reply to Son feeling fearful about going to school on Wed, 16 Mar 2011 13:23:36 GMT

Pen88n — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 13:23:36 GMT

Liz,

I feel that Ryan is a very good and indept boy, and he is trying his best to cope. However, things can be a little over-whelming for him given that:
1. new school, new teachers (and a fierce form teacher)
2. new student care
3. having dinner alone, coming home and being alone

After all, he is only 7 and P1. All the new environment and sometimes some "unhappy" event in school would create some fear in him. He comes home and realises he is alone and he has no one to turn to to confide his fears and feelings. That may be a little too daunting for a P1 kid.

It’s a good idea if you can talk to your boss about having an earlier time off work, so that you can tend to your kid. Offer to do some work from home at night if needed, to ensure work is completed and not left undone. Alternatively, offer to take up / assist in some work that can be done from home at night.

Another suggestion would be to ask if any of your neighbour(s) is willing to assist in looking after Ryan for that 2 hours before you are home. It would be best if your neighbour has kids of his age (or a little older) that can keep him company and he will not feel being alone then.

Hope this helps.

Reply to Son feeling fearful about going to school on Wed, 16 Mar 2011 13:12:46 GMT

marionmae — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 13:12:46 GMT

I guess, by being alone it adds up to his fear. You should make time for your kid as well. Transfer him to another class or to a different school. I don't think it is right to left him alone. Have someone accompany him while you are not home.

It would be difficult for him to adjust if he will still be alone at home and no one to talk to about school if he goes home. Avoid also blaming yoursel for having no time for him. You attract what you project, so the outcome is very much determined by your behaviour.

Possibly you should also take some feedback from other students or his classmates about his teacher. If you choose to live him alone I guess it would be better to send your child to http://www.teen-boarding-school.com/teen-boarding-schools/boarding-schools-for-boys.html wherein he would be supervised 24hrs a day. Aside from that he will be taught good values as he grow.

Reply to Son feeling fearful about going to school on Wed, 16 Mar 2011 05:55:30 GMT

Sun_2010 — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 05:55:30 GMT

Yea Liz, have a great time u two!

Things will turn around for the better soon.

:celebrate:

Reply to Son feeling fearful about going to school on Wed, 16 Mar 2011 05:08:38 GMT

Liz_Ryan — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 05:08:38 GMT

yea, at times, people can be really unfriendly. but then again, we don’t know what they are thinking. they cud be having problems of their own too…

anyways, u hv a great weekends with the kiddos yea

shall be spending the next 2 days at home, revising his school work

on saturday, we’ll be heading to the library, then maybe to the park or something.

on sunday, shall take him to the pool in the morning, then spend the rest of the day relaxing at home…

Reply to Son feeling fearful about going to school on Wed, 16 Mar 2011 04:59:51 GMT

LOLMum — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 04:59:51 GMT

you are so lucky to have good neighbours.

mine are hi-nod-bye. shucks, the maids are more friendly and chatty.

my kids have lots of homework especially dd who is in sec 1. but will be taking them to the library at bras basah and planning to spend the whole day there.

both my kids dont like to go out that much.

Reply to Son feeling fearful about going to school on Wed, 16 Mar 2011 04:57:03 GMT

Liz_Ryan — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 04:57:03 GMT

Hi Sun_2010,

Maybe you are right, the problem is more of his emotional need to spend time with me.

In the morning, I’ll send him to the Student Care as his school is in the afternoon session.

At home, there’s only me and him.

I know I have done all I can as a mom, but I still feel it is nvr enough.

Perhaps, soon, I’ll quit my job and settle down in a company that is not this far, even if the pay is lower…. coz the time away from my son is something that money cannot buy…

I am currently working in a company that is dealing in exhibitions. When there are exhibitions going on, at times I would need to go down onsite for days and long hours.

I appealed to my company last year and they have helped me. They put me in charge of taking care of suppliers’ invoices, it’s desk-bound job so I do not have to go out, unless we are really short of manpower.

Unfortunately now they shifted to Changi. I thought of asking my bosses if they could release me an hour earlier, I don’t mind even if they deduct my pay. But am still worried it will be too much to ask for.

We knock off at 6pm. By the time I take the feeder bus to Tampines MRT, take train to Jurong East, take feeder bus, I’ll reach home about 8pm. And the journey alone is enough to kill me. I’m really very tired……

Oh crap… why am I ranting about my feelings here…. Haha!! Ah well, as I said before, I shall see what happens after this school holidays……

Reply to Son feeling fearful about going to school on Wed, 16 Mar 2011 04:32:59 GMT

Liz_Ryan — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 04:32:59 GMT

Yea, Ryan! That’s e name of the ‘love of my life’!

Yes I agree with u that is always good to be friendly with your neighbours.

Am living in a door-to-door kind of flat so I have only one neighbour, they are a very nice family.

The aunty would help me look out to make sure that my boy gets into the house safely and no one would follow him in.

People in the neighbourhood know me & my boy quite well.

From the coffee-shop uncles, to the grocery shop uncle, right to the hairdresser, everyone knows us.

Still remember when he was in K1 and he was attending a Hari Raya party at a mosque…. I informed the transport to send him to my sister’s house after the party as the Childcare Centre was closed on that day and it happened to be my sister’s off-day. She lives 2 bus-stops away from my house.

About 1pm the hairdresser under my block called me to say that my son was alone outside my door, he asked my neighbour to help call me. My neighbour went to inform the hairdresser, thank God she had my number.

I almost lost my head but kept my cool when I checked with the transport uncle. He confirmed that the dropped my boy at my sister’s block. It is the norm that my boy would go up to the house by himself.

What happened was, my sister was in the bathroom and did not hear him knocking the door. Thinking that his aunt is not home, he walked all the way to my house to inform my neighbour, and hoping that they would get in touch with me somehow.

The hairdresser kept him in her shop till my sis came over to fetch him. When my sis came, she said he looked so tired & was perspiring as the weather was freaking hot on that day.

I really freaked out. But to some extent, I must admit that I was a little proud that my son would do that, in a case when he could not get a family member. And he tried convincing me, “No mommy, I look for the cars on the road first, then I cross”…

Back to our my topic earlier, even people at the coffee-shop have noticed that lately my boy has not been his usual self. They have noticed he would look like he is drifting away in his thoughts, thinking about something, when he is eating….

Sigh… I hope after this one-week holiday, things would turn out to be better.

Am taking leave the next 2 days to spend a long weekend with him, to play, read and study together………

Reply to Son feeling fearful about going to school on Wed, 16 Mar 2011 03:55:38 GMT

Sun_2010 — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 03:55:38 GMT

Is it possible for you to get some feedback from from your sons classmates about how his teacher is?

I think that the problem is less of his teacher and more of his emotional need to spend more time with you.
And the teacher happens to be an esay target to blame. Most likely he is not doing it intentionally,
its just him trying to find a valid reason for his feelings.

He might \"understand\" that you have to work and you are at office and will be back,
but the emotional need is still there. Simply put \"he misses you\", and that is making him insecure.

Is there some arrangement you or your spouse can make to come home early by the time he returns for a few days.
And see if it makes a difference.

Who takes care of him during school hols and in the morning?

I am just saying based on my experience with my son,
he will throw a tantrum when say- I leave home before he woke up,
And when i am late there is this anger which will trigger over a small issue.
All this even though i have explained and prepared him before hand and he understands that i will be late for a reason.
Things are better when my parents are around

And when i realise the connection - all i do is give him a unconditional long hug and sometimes reassure him , sometimes just silence....
I just wait for the emoions to ebb away.

Firstly prepare yourself mentally. Dealing with a emotional child is very draining.
You are only human and take some time for yourself.
Your insecurities, frustrations in not spending more time with him, etc can be sensed by him.
When you are in a positive frame of mind, he will intutively absorb it.
You mentioned that you are reassuring him of your love - keep doing that camly. It helps, i feel.

And there is no such thing as a \"useless mother\".
You are a great mother, who is doing all she can for her precious son
You will all come thru this well.

Hugz :grphug:

Reply to Son feeling fearful about going to school on Wed, 16 Mar 2011 03:51:27 GMT

LOLMum — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 03:51:27 GMT

yeah, little bit of this and that add up.

ryan (that's his name right?), seems like a very likable and independent child. :lol: lets see how things work out in the near future for him at home and in school. he's lucky to have a mum like you.

off topic,

u know sometimes i wish we know our neighbours better. i know this boy (same condo) and saw him sitting at the staircase staring blankly into space. asked if he is okay and he said he was bored and no one to play with. wanted to pass some books, dvds and games to him but he said no cos' not fun to do it himself. wanted to invite him to my house to play with my ds when he is home but rememberd his mum wasnt a very friendly person (greeted her a few times but was ignored) so didnt.

so different from my childhood days where there were lots of friends to play with and fight with.

Reply to Son feeling fearful about going to school on Wed, 16 Mar 2011 02:41:14 GMT

Liz_Ryan — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 02:41:14 GMT

It’s not about being alone in the dark or being scared staying alone, honey.

He’s always been independent.

Initially he was fine, guess after a while, it’s affecting him emotionally.

Guess he starts feeling lonely, like there is no one there with him.

And plus the fact that I’m spending so much lesser time with him, ie. Coming home late and he having to turn in early……

I have tried convincing him, no matter what, he’ll always have me by his side……

At worst, I may have to quit my job………

Reply to Son feeling fearful about going to school on Wed, 16 Mar 2011 02:15:06 GMT

LOLMum — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 02:15:06 GMT

liz,

you are definitely not a useless mum, okay.

given your circumstances, you are doing your best. go ahead and have the negative feeling once in a while but dont overdo it cos it is not good for your mental state. kid will pick up your negative vibes too.

i would be scared too if i have to be home alone at such young age. be patient and maybe call each other every 15 minutes. with someone to talk to, he will not feel that scared and slowly from 15 mintues switch to half an hour, then 45 minutes and an hour.

i think i have seen this auto light timer at some hardward stores. you buy the timer and plug in the light (can be a lamp etc), set it at may 6.15 pm, the light will turn on automatically at that time. thus when he is back, he is not going into a dark house. i dont think it is very expensive.

Reply to Son feeling fearful about going to school on Wed, 16 Mar 2011 00:28:19 GMT

Liz_Ryan — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 00:28:19 GMT

Hi LOLMum,

Thanks so much for your advice.

Actually my boy is rather big-built for his age.

And he has nvr complained about classmates or anyone, it is just his form teacher that he is afraid of.

And I noticed recently that it actually got worse.

Am not sure if my shifting office has added on to his emotions.

We are living in Jurong East and I have been working in Toh Guan Rd East for few years, since he was a baby.

In Feb this year, my office shifted to Changi North!!!!!

In the morning we have to leave home earlier to send him to the student care and in the night, I'll reach home much later, and have to make him sleep earlier as he needs to wake up early the next morning. Hence my time with him is really left so little.

One afternoon, he called me, crying, during recess and asked me if I'll be coming home early that evening.

You see, he'll reach home 6.30pm every evening. He'll be alone at home till I come back. He even has to go coffee-shop on his own, buy food & eat on his own.

At times I really feel like a useless mother!!!

Reply to Son feeling fearful about going to school on Sun, 13 Mar 2011 15:35:07 GMT

LOLMum — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 15:35:07 GMT

oh dear, so sad to hear of him crying in fear of his teacher.

i am not sure transfering him to another class will help. a new teacher might not be nicer or understanding or patient.

also if you seek a transfer which is an easy way to end this problem, your kid might never learn to conquer his fear. so how, now teacher, next the little girl who threaten to tell (what are you going to do with her?) and then his boss, his wife … when will it end?

as his form teacher and mother tongue teacher are awared of his fear, i hope they will do something to help him overcome his fear. calling someone "naughty" might not mean in a negative way as i do call my kids "naughty little rascals" without malice.

working hand in hand with the teachers is a good start but this take time especially when we are talking about 30 kids in the class. it is impossible for the teacher to speak nicely and softly to him all the time so tell him to take it positively.

i always tell my kids that if someone threaten to tell his parents or teachers about my kids, dont be afraid because we are always 100% behind him (of course, deep in our heart, we adults know we have to listen to both sides of the story) or threaten to kill my kids etc, my kids are not to be afraid and must tell us. as far as dh and i are concern, if my kids didnt do anything wrong, there is nothing to be afraid of.

do excuse me for sayiing this but i think your kid might have turned from a fun loving boy into a timid one. could it be the kids in class/school are much bigger size than him and more pushy?

if so, one way to help him overcome his fear is to enrol him in a self defence course like judo, karate etc. this will boost his confidence and make him a bit less fearless of bullies and maybe the teachers (haha just a joke, better to be a bit fearful of teachers, otherwise no respect for them and end up as a dropout or gangster) you should check out such courses at cc because they are generally cheaper.

you might have been doing this with him already but i think it would help to boost his confidence if you could encourage him to order food himself, ask for help (like going to the librarian to ask for a book etc) by himself more often

also go to library and get story books about kids fearing to go to school because of bullies, fierce teachers etc and read with him. these books always end with the frightened child overcoming his fear of school. i dont know the titles but google for it and i am sure you will find some suitable books.

all the best. dont expect results so soon. some kids take a longer time to adapt to the environment.

Reply to Son feeling fearful about going to school on Sun, 13 Mar 2011 07:58:07 GMT

Laughing — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 07:58:07 GMT

It is good to meet up with the form teacher to understand the situation better rather than over phone to send the message of seriousness . If the teacher never change the way/style that she approach your child, forever your kid will thinks that he is a \"naughty boy\". Since this is the label given by the teacher, only this teacher can help to remove it too.

As told by my sister-in-law through her experience, do contact the VP or the Principal if nothing has been done... \"higher rank\" office holder do make thing happen.... :nunchuk:

Reply to Son feeling fearful about going to school on Fri, 11 Mar 2011 07:13:44 GMT

chubby08 — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 07:13:44 GMT

Liz_Ryan:
thanx so much guys, for what u’ve shared & advised. Yea, though I keep convincing my boy that there’s nothing to fear if he does not do anything wrong, I honestly feel teachers should not use words like ‘naughty’, ‘bad’, or other negative words, as they might be demoralizing the child.

My son’s teacher told me she did a one-to-one access wit my boy and found that my boy was actually a smart boy as he could do his work on his own.

When I told him “Your teacher said you’re a clever boy.”, he wud go like “No, she always said I’m a naughty boy…”

Like I said, I shall talk to him & try to reason with him during this coming 1-week holiday. Shud this problem persists, I shall request to have a meet-up with his form teacher, and bring him along.

My boy used to be a happy kid, always laughing and running around.

Nowadays he tends to be quiet and dreams a lot, it’s like he’s thinking about something….

I’m so so worried his fear might turn into hatred, hatred for school

Have you go to the school and speak to the form teacher? Another way is to transfer your boy to another class. You may try to bring this out to the shcool principal.

He may lose interest in his studies if continue to stay in the same class.

Reply to Son feeling fearful about going to school on Fri, 11 Mar 2011 07:09:24 GMT

Liz_Ryan — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 07:09:24 GMT

thanx so much guys, for what u’ve shared & advised. Yea, though I keep convincing my boy that there’s nothing to fear if he does not do anything wrong, I honestly feel teachers should not use words like ‘naughty’, ‘bad’, or other negative words, as they might be demoralizing the child.

My son’s teacher told me she did a one-to-one access wit my boy and found that my boy was actually a smart boy as he could do his work on his own.

When I told him “Your teacher said you’re a clever boy.”, he wud go like “No, she always said I’m a naughty boy…”

Like I said, I shall talk to him & try to reason with him during this coming 1-week holiday. Shud this problem persists, I shall request to have a meet-up with his form teacher, and bring him along.

My boy used to be a happy kid, always laughing and running around.

Nowadays he tends to be quiet and dreams a lot, it’s like he’s thinking about something….

I’m so so worried his fear might turn into hatred, hatred for school

Reply to Son feeling fearful about going to school on Fri, 11 Mar 2011 06:47:44 GMT

Pen88n — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 06:47:44 GMT

Actually I feel that P1 being the year the kids start formal schooling, is crucial for the kids to love school and like learning. The teacher should not have chosen to take a fierce attitude towards these young kids and create this fear of schooling. Instead of reprimanding for "being naughty", the teacher can find other ways to engage the "naughty" kid to keep him occupied. Once the kids love school and like learning, the discipline, teaching part will come in more easily.

You may want to have a word with the form teacher or even school counsellor (if there is one) about your son’s fear, and how they can suggest ways to address this.

Reply to Son feeling fearful about going to school on Fri, 11 Mar 2011 06:25:38 GMT

mamemo — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 06:25:38 GMT

Maybe a transfer of class would be good. However, I think a better way is to train him up to accept scoldings without crying, because we cannot guarantee a nice and softspoken teacher everytime, especially with 30 kids in the class. When my DS was in Nursery/K1, he used to cry with every little scolding (or when people raise voices at him)/ when friends or cousins don’t play with him. Slowly we tell him that he is growing up, and people usually don’t like or don’t play with crybabies. And the more he cry, the more other people will bully him.

Now, he is in P1, and improved alot. He doesn’t cry when we scold him and he can accept criticisms. Just this week, he fell into the school pond and proudly told me that he is very brave and didn’t cry.

Reply to Son feeling fearful about going to school on Fri, 11 Mar 2011 04:57:18 GMT

Liz_Ryan — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 04:57:18 GMT

teh_oh:
Hi,

Make an appointment with the Form Teacher and speak to her in a nice manner. Have this conversation in front of your child. If he can see that you and the Form Teacher are 'chatting' on good terms (ie, let the child see a different side of the teacher), it may bring the 'fear factor' down by a notch.
If it does not work, maybe you can request for transfer of class?

thanx so much for your advice.

ya, actually i did think of that, but was worried it would be too much to ask for.

however if this problem still persists after this one-week holiday, guess i have no choice but to go ahead with it.

Reply to Son feeling fearful about going to school on Fri, 11 Mar 2011 04:52:33 GMT

teh_oh — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 04:52:33 GMT

Hi,

Make an appointment with the Form Teacher and speak to her in a nice manner. Have this conversation in front of your child. If he can see that you and the Form Teacher are ‘chatting’ on good terms (ie, let the child see a different side of the teacher), it may bring the ‘fear factor’ down by a notch.
If it does not work, maybe you can request for transfer of class?