In-law problems?
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Sun_2010:
Wah paiseh. I was not that wise lah. I had my fair share of ranting at ILs too and there were arguments with DH over them as well. But I realize soon enuf that the ones who were suffering were DH n I. Well actually more of just 'I' cos men being men, they tune out pretty easily. And I am left to stew.
:salute:Funz:
While we should not bear grudges against the old folks and respect them for they are our elders. We should not lose our 'self' as well.
I've never been outrightly rude nor do I ignore my ILs but there is no way they will be able to make me feel like a maid.
It takes great self esteem to realise that. :salute:
MIL gave me a list of 'how tos' and that included brewing nourishing soup for DH and how he likes his coffee, etc. I say thank you very much and I will try them out some time. I will wash the dishes after dinner but don't expect me to sweep and mop.
If DH takes me for granted, he will run out of clean underwear.
Good for you :rahrah:
As for kids, well, you want your clothes washed, you jolly well put them in the laundry basket. They are expected to be polite and show deference to their elders and that includes our helper.
Funz, I wanted to do that when I read your post a few days ago but I am typing handicapped on on iphone/ipad.
So now here I go :udawoman:
I wish I had your wisdom when i started out my life as a DIL. I learnt along the way , the vagaries of people and our unintentional expectations . Not that I have much regret , but I could have saved some heart pain and scars if only I had the big picture firmly in mind.
So your words should help many :xedfingers:
Grandparental love is one of the treasures for children ( and vice versa) , hard to find an alternative to that. :snuggles:
I now have to take the pain to explain to DH , my mil's actions. Not that I agree with it, but I still defend it, and try to show him her action from her perspective. It can be painful at times as sometimes I am the brunt of her actions. I have to constantly remind him, he may not agree with her, she may be wrong, but he should talk to her as an adult and not be mad at her. She is his mother dammit!
Sometimes i grumble to him that I should be the one grumbling, and he should be the one convincing. oh well,
My parents too were exceptional. They kept reminding me, come home and talk to us. Rant to us if you must but dun bring all these back to your husband and never be disrespectful towards them. We did not raise you to be such.
So I guess while there is no need to bend over backwards to please them, we still have to do our due diligence as a DILs. Make it easy for our husbands to stand on our side. -
vinegar:
You need to be well in order for things to be well at home. No harm or damage will be done if you skip the housework or homework occasionally.While we should not bear grudges against the old folks and respect them for they are our elders. We should not lose our 'self' as well.
totally agree...difficult to do....oredi started as \"maid\"...too humble n submissive for few yrs....now difficult to switch...esp...hv been SAHM for yrs,financially depend on DH.
At times,I also feel slowly lose my identity.Hv been few yrs didn't go catch up wf frds.DH gives permit to go,but no time,no heart....Keep thinking all the things which r undone at home....clothes hvn't ironed,kids' homework,hvn't marinate the chicken...etc...Sound silly,right? :oops:
The objective of being a SAHM is to ensure the well-being of children, and this can only be achieved by you taking care of yourself well. The priority should not be housework. This is my humble opinion. -
Our mental well-being is very important.
We should try not to be affected by unhappy incidents or problematic people.
Prioritize…do not be a slave to the housework or the house. Easier said than done…I feel so frustrated at times. -
My sil (bro’s wife) stayed with us for 3 years before they finally moved out when their flat was ready. There were definitely a gap between her upbringing, lifestyle and beliefs. She could not speak any dialect and my mum could only speak hokkien then.
Looking back I could tell that my bro and sil had some rough patches when they first married. Was it my mother’s fault? I honestly dunno know. For I think that my mum must be one of the best mil to have in the world and my sil, also one of the best dil/sil to have in the world. What went wrong (to cause the rough patches)? Let’s just say when two tectonic plates come too close together, we get earthquakes. There were uneasiness/ awkwardness but never outright tension or unhappiness.
I was too young to help. Too young to mess up too (I hope) but anyway I adore this sil. She is like a sis I never have. These days, I thought I see a genuine love between my mum and my sil. In fact, she was more patient than me with my mum at times. My mum could drive us nuts by cooking A LOT and insist we eat them, if not ta bao the food back.
This sil dutifully washes the dishes after every family dinner. This has been the case for close to 20yrs. The few times she didn’t do it was when she hurt her wrist (my bro, the husband did it), my another bro insisted doing it and when I insisted doing it (a few times). Does she resent that( washing for years)? I dunno, I don’t think so. I knew some of my sil’s friends. One of them ever said sil had mentioned that my mum was a very good mil and she (sil) felt that she has two mums.
My take on mil-dil relationship is that even the best-est pair can set off earthquakes. It takes more than 2 persons (fil, mil, dil and son, sil, bil etc), big hearts and sincerity from all parties. Live and let live. -
Imami:
:goodpost: :thankyou:My sil (bro's wife) stayed with us for 3 years before they finally moved out when their flat was ready. There were definitely a gap between her upbringing, lifestyle and beliefs. She could not speak any dialect and my mum could only speak hokkien then.
Looking back I could tell that my bro and sil had some rough patches when they first married. Was it my mother's fault? I honestly dunno know. For I think that my mum must be one of the best mil to have in the world and my sil, also one of the best dil/sil to have in the world. What went wrong (to cause the rough patches)? Let's just say when two tectonic plates come too close together, we get earthquakes. There were uneasiness/ awkwardness but never outright tension or unhappiness..
I was too young to help. Too young to mess up too (I hope) but anyway I adore this sil. She is like a sis I never have. These days, I thought I see a genuine love between my mum and my sil. In fact, she was more patient than me with my mum at times. My mum could drive us nuts by cooking A LOT and insist we eat them, if not ta bao the food back.
This sil dutifully washes the dishes after every family dinner. This has been the case for close to 20yrs. The few times she didn't do it was when she hurt her wrist (my bro, the husband did it), my another bro insisted doing it and when I insisted doing it (a few times). Does she resent that( washing for years)? I dunno, I don't think so. I knew some of my sil's friends. One of them ever said sil had mentioned that my mum was a very good mil and she (sil) felt that she has two mums.
My take on mil-dil relationship is that even the best-est pair can set off earthquakes. It takes more than 2 persons (fil, mil, dil and son, sil, bil etc), big hearts and sincerity from all parties. Live and let live. -
vinegar:
I have no help from anyone too. And need to do the cooking,sending, fetching, teaching..... All by myself. Sometimes, I felt so tired, and no one could really understand.....i'm facing the same prob too..lots of ppl don't understand the life of SAHM.They thought it is pretty easy.
If i am out in the morning,I also hv to rush home by 11am to get the lunch done,b4 picking up kids.Frds said i've poor time mgmt,but they don't understand...coz they don't cook n they've maids/mother/MIL to help out. I am totally alone.
Tried hire PT maids few times,but they can't come early in morning n leave b4 i nid to be put to pick my kids.Nowadays,PT maid also give prob as FT maid.Encountered one China PRC PT maid who spit on basin after she has washed the basin.
On the other hand, my MIL is also a SAHM, but she did not need to look after her kids til they were 5 yrs old. Her kids stay with her nanny.... And she do not cook or fetch her kids. They travelled by sch bus... She do not need to teach her kids as she is literate..... We have the same post but our jobs are so different....
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Yes, fresco, so true, we have to learn to give and take.
Sahm chew, me too, got no help. Also got to bao ga Liao from teaching to cooking, marketing , etc. So, will sometimes ask the husband to give me some time off, to relax.
Think we Sahm, really need time to chill out, for me, I take it as a time to reflect on myself, ESP when I had a crazy week, or shouting at the kids too much. I also don’t have a big heart to stay with my in laws long term, cause I ll end up having to serve them. Hahaha.
When mil came to stay over for 2 days sometimes, she practically treated herself as queen, and I had to serve her all 3 meals, she didn’t lift a finger to help, not even minor things like folding the clothes or clear up after meals. I even treated her to pedi and mani and foot reflex. Knowing she has no dds, i try my best to fill in as one. Hb also saw that his mother is calculative and petty and hard to please.
Ya, janet, the education system is getting so much more stressful, after last year s psle saga, I m still drained now, no energy to help my p5 and 1.
But we must take care of ourselves well, my female lecturer alw told us, we have to look good to feel good. Hehe.
Have a great week ahead, all blessed mamas. -
KSmom8:
If your MIL is unhappy with you, you are probably doing something right!
I :salute: you. Wish DH was as enlightened as you.3Boys:
DW was SAHM briefly, and one can get depressed in that role. The well-being of the family is very dependent on the well-being of the mum. Do take time off to recharge, buy some new clothes, feel good about yourself. As you love your family, you must do this for yourself, you must. It's more important than doing the dishes, more important than taking the kids to enrichment class.
I was so unhappy when I first stopped work for 1 year when DC1 was younger. Tried to do too much, I think.
When I became a SAHM for the 2nd time, I sometimes chill out in cafes whilst the children are in enrichment. I don't cook every dinner and lunch. Even though, I have a maid, I now do at least 50% of the chores (with each new maid, I end up doing more)....
Perhaps... That's why MIL is unhappy with this lazy DIL. SAHM is a 24 / 7 job and I'd rather keep my sanity.
To all SAHMs, do take time to love yourself. :grphug:
Look after yourself, and everything else will be easier. -
Mil hardly happy with daughter-in-law.
If DIL doesn’t do housework, mil say she is lazy.
If DIL has maid, she say DIL good life…should have saved that money.
If grandchildren has tuition, she will ask why the mother can’t teach own children.
Hardly anything daughter in law does is right. -
janet_lee88:
Do you mean yours?Mil hardly happy with daughter-in-law.
If DIL doesn't do housework, mil say she is lazy.
If DIL has maid, she say DIL good life...should have saved that money.
If grandchildren has tuition, she will ask why the mother can't teach own children.
Hardly anything daughter in law does is right.
While my mil is not very close to me, I have to say she has never said any of those before....the one on maid is not applicable, since I don't have one. But she has ever asked me to get her one though.
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