<![CDATA[Should I carry out my threat?]]>My ds failed his gr 3 piano practical. He is sec 2 this yr. I had earlier told him if he wants me to sponsor his piano n guitar lessons he will need to ensure that he puts in his fair share of effort n that means passing his grade 3 piano practical. I know he is keen to attend these lessons but he is lazy to practice for exam. What shd I do? Shd I carry out my "promise" n cancel all his music lessons? I know he will b upset cos he enjoys the lessons . Looking forward to hear fellow parents’ views on this. Thanks

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/topic/20976/should-i-carry-out-my-threatRSS for NodeFri, 24 Apr 2026 08:27:12 GMTWed, 06 Apr 2011 08:17:44 GMT60<![CDATA[Reply to Should I carry out my threat? on Wed, 20 Apr 2011 01:16:16 GMT]]>

r2010:
Hi My DS in P2 - just got 115 ( only pass)for practical grade 3 exams. Should I continue him in learning piano? I am not sure if at grade 3 he is only passing at border line..will he be able to continue passing higher level.. Can anyone help me out with this.. I am really confused????

I think if your child has not explicitly expressed that he wants to quit learning piano, I am of the opinion to let him continue.

Both my DDs just scrape through their practical exams last year, but they are still taking lessons and playing the piano. To me, piano brings about many other benefits rather than just the grades. For one, it helps the left/right brain development; two, it provides a form of destress. I want my children to enjoy the piano, love the music. Passing of the exams? Just pass will do, no need to score.

They played the exam pieces, the scales and some pop music. And frankly, we enjoy watching them play because their body language tell us that they are enjoying it, despite the exam grades.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/403788https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/403788Wed, 20 Apr 2011 01:16:16 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I carry out my threat? on Mon, 18 Apr 2011 03:29:39 GMT]]>think it boils down to what some others mentioned earlier … u letting your children to learn piano to pass exams/tests so that they will major and make a career in music next time? or for them to have a hobby that they can enjoy in their own free time? … my thoughts …

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/402149https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/402149Mon, 18 Apr 2011 03:29:39 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I carry out my threat? on Fri, 15 Apr 2011 13:34:37 GMT]]>Hi My DS in P2 - just got 115 ( only pass)for practical grade 3 exams. Should I continue him in learning piano? I am not sure if at grade 3 he is only passing at border line…will he be able to continue passing higher level… Can anyone help me out with this… I am really confused???

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/401015https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/401015Fri, 15 Apr 2011 13:34:37 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I carry out my threat? on Fri, 08 Apr 2011 07:25:40 GMT]]>if you’re really interested in your child passing the exam, the only way is to micromanage him. At the appointed time everyday, get him to practise the 30min necessary. Have to be very determined and drag him to play the piano.


Of course, this state of affairs doesn’t have to be a life long thing, maybe after 3 months to 6 months, he will get into the habit of practising daily.
At the very least, the outcome is that he will pass the exam.

It normally takes about 3 months before something becomes a habit.

If you’re not willing to micromanage your child, then most likely he will have to give up piano, which is waste, because what he needed will be just a little push to get him going.

Unless some life changing event happens, a person will not change his/her basic character without external intervention.

Look at National Service, without the harsh training and tough environment, our boys will continue to be boys and not men. Though I think in recent years, the environment has become less harsh.

Newton’s First Law of Motion is relevant here: Every body remains in a state of constant velocity unless acted upon by an external unbalanced force.

Forget about the threat. It doesn’t work. It’s too long term and the child will put it at the back of his mind. For motivation to work, it has to be as soon as possible. The reward or threat has no bearing on the effectiveness of the motivation, it is the time factor that is most effective. The time between the act and the reward/threat should be less than a day, at least before the child goes to bed.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/395169https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/395169Fri, 08 Apr 2011 07:25:40 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I carry out my threat? on Thu, 07 Apr 2011 09:18:05 GMT]]>Jade, I just want to encourage you by reminding you that whatever happens is the only thing that could have. After your talk, don’t dwell on what-could-have-beens because whatever led to this point is good and useful for your son.


I respect you holding to your principle that you’ll carry out the threat you made for your son, and I know that at this moment he might not see the value of the lesson of your stopping the class, but he will in time.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/394099https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/394099Thu, 07 Apr 2011 09:18:05 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I carry out my threat? on Thu, 07 Apr 2011 07:46:19 GMT]]>

cascada:
Jennifer,
[quote]Piano practising also became a battle ground in my own home
I know what you mean by that, and that's what I'm eliminating now. Personally, I feel that learning music should be nurturing, not like fighting a war.[/quote]Now he plays as and when he feels like it. Peace at home.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393959https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393959Thu, 07 Apr 2011 07:46:19 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I carry out my threat? on Thu, 07 Apr 2011 07:22:30 GMT]]>Jennifer,
[quote]Piano practising also became a battle ground in my own home[/quote]I know what you mean by that, and that's what I'm eliminating now. Personally, I feel that learning music should be nurturing, not like fighting a war.

Bluebells,
You've hit on my exact fear, that one day, DS2 might turn around to blame me for ending his music pursue abruptly. And that he might accuse me of favouritism cos his elder bro got to complete G8. Which is why when DH & I talked to him, we made it very clear that he has brought this upon himself. But somehow, I felt he is still not 'enlightened' or maybe he is too young to do so.
I wouldn't like the battleground (as mentioned by Jennifer) to continue, as it is straining my relationship with DS2. Like I said before, if he is still able to sustain that interest, he could pick it up again. The options is still open. I'm fully aware that if he does train again in future, he will have to go through another learning curve again. 🙏
Though we hope he could relax his mind a little while on the piano, the practice sessions seemed to be a burden to him from the way he does it, so is my nagging and pushing. So it defeats the purpose now. As DS2 will be taking PSLE next year, he can possibly take this chance to buck up his academics.

Jade,
Hope you and your DS can come to an amiable arrangement. Good luck to both of you.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393926https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393926Thu, 07 Apr 2011 07:22:30 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I carry out my threat? on Thu, 07 Apr 2011 03:55:15 GMT]]>

LKVM:
I wish you all the best jade :celebrate:

Me too.. you have my best wishes. Whatever you do though, just know that you're a good mommy who tries her best.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393675https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393675Thu, 07 Apr 2011 03:55:15 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I carry out my threat? on Thu, 07 Apr 2011 03:26:20 GMT]]>Hi Cascada - I totally can empathise with your point about it being a heartbreaking decision and the feeling of time, effort and money going down the drain. Thanks for sharing your experience.


To all other parents who responded, I really thank you for your generous sharing. I have decided to take away this privilege of having music lessons. It is also important that he knows I mean what I say - this is really important as there is still a long journey ahead between mother and child. It certainly is not an easy decision, as I love my child and I know he enjoys going to those weekly lessons. However, I will let him know that this does not mean an end to his journey in music appreciation. We shall see, if he shows sustained interest and is willing to put in effort to continue practice even without lessons, there will be opportunity to discuss about reinstating the lessons.

you are welcome to share your thoughts regarding my decision above. I decided to talk to him tonight.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393634https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393634Thu, 07 Apr 2011 03:26:20 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I carry out my threat? on Thu, 07 Apr 2011 03:08:26 GMT]]>My elder boy’s ex-piano teacher once said to me children nowadays do not hv the resilience to endure hardship. Hence it is getting more difficult to teach piano.


Piano practising also became a battle ground in my own home.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393607https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393607Thu, 07 Apr 2011 03:08:26 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I carry out my threat? on Thu, 07 Apr 2011 03:04:06 GMT]]>Cascada,


We all go through ups and downs in our lives and all the learning journeys we take. Perhaps this is your DS’ down cycle? Give him a chance. Talk to him, negotiate. Taking the yearly exams are not a must. If he can’t make it this year, then try again next year. The music exam will not affect his future in the working world, unless he is majoring in music, of course.

I feel alot reading your post because it rakes up some old memories and emotions. I can assure you, to this day, when I am already a parent, I still feel very sore over my parents’ decision. We don’t take about it anymore, but it will always remain a sore point. Don’t let this happen to your son. Don’t let him feel sore over your decision for the years to come, it’s not worth it.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393604https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393604Thu, 07 Apr 2011 03:04:06 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I carry out my threat? on Wed, 06 Apr 2011 15:58:57 GMT]]>Hi Jade,


Many of the contributors have covered a lot of ground here. I just have 2 observations to make.

a) I believe that most boys aged 14-16 are at an age whereby they’re actively seeking independence and perhaps at their most rebellous nature. So if it were me, I would be extremely careful how I go about handling this, whatever decision it may turn out to be. I actually think the soln could just need a heart-to-heart, mum-son talk to clear the air.

b) Playing for leisure (personal enjoyment) is totally different from playing for exams. Some people like pop music (have you seen Jay Chou’s Secret?) , others may like to listen to classical music but not enjoy learning it for exams. So when you mentioned your ds has interest in piano but yet is lazy to practise, it’s sort of like a contradiction. Perhaps he only likes to play non-exam pieces? Maybe you can ask him, albeit in a non-judgemental way?

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393284https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393284Wed, 06 Apr 2011 15:58:57 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I carry out my threat? on Wed, 06 Apr 2011 15:35:28 GMT]]>I’ve just made true my threat to DS2, who is in P5. He took his G6 practical last month & stopped lesson wef this month. He has been lazy in practising, even when exam date is approaching. I’ve scheduled his practise time into his daily time table, but found that I’m still need to push him to do it. And he would still procrastinate. During his practise, he would be rushing through and anyhow practise. I don’t know how to play the piano but I can still tell he didn’t show effort to improve during his practise. This is bcos I sit into his lesson. Furthermore, DS1 also did G6 syllabus 2 yrs ago so I’m rather familiar with the requirement.


When DS2 was younger, I didn’t mind pushing him to practise. I was able to point out his mistakes and remind him of the parts to improve. However, since he is doing G7 if he does continue his lesson, I’ll not be able to support him this way already, it’s way past my ability. I also felt that if at this upper grade he still require much pushing, then maybe he doesn’t have the interest at all.

He has always been getting Merit or Distinction for all his practical. All his teachers said he is a fast learner, though their common feedback was he is not making enough effort to improve.

Initially he didn’t believe I’d carry out my threat as I’ve been patient with him and gave him many chances in the past. So when I really served notice with the music school, he cried a lot. He insisted he is still very interested in learning piano, but I felt his actions didn’t telly with his words. To me, having interest means the willingness (voluntarily) to put in effort to do better. I do expect some degree of self motivation if there is real interest.

It is a heartbreaking decision for me too. You see, I’ve been with him since he started at 4 at Yahama’s JMC till his G6 practical, yet I’m not able to see
him complete G8. His journey in music ends here, and I felt all the years’ of fees paid, my time and effort seemed to go down the drain as well. He cried, I also cried. I asked myself why didn’t I see this coming and should have ‘cut loss’ during his earlier grades. Guess I was still pining hopes that he would be more self motivated as he grows older or as he progresses to higher grades.

From now on, I’m just observing if he still maintain his so called interest. If yes, I might let him pick up again. My gut feel is he’ll let it go as time goes by.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393275https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393275Wed, 06 Apr 2011 15:35:28 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I carry out my threat? on Wed, 06 Apr 2011 15:26:28 GMT]]>Believe your ds collect a wkly or mthly allowance , if he is to keen to persue then let him come out a fraction of the music fees .... for our dd , she wants ballet and she is doing piano at Yamaha too ... the bargain is as long as she pass all her minor or major tests ... she get full sponsorship, if she fail then she has to use her money to continue if not then too bad ... 😄

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393269https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393269Wed, 06 Apr 2011 15:26:28 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I carry out my threat? on Wed, 06 Apr 2011 14:11:56 GMT]]>Actually my thinking quite mirror that of thenoblenerd just that I was not able to articulate it as well. He is taking lessons from Yamaha n I dun think they r flexible to suspend lessons.

As to vks questions, they r really deep. At this young age if the kids r not subjected to rigour of test, how to ensure mastery n higher level of music appreciation? If pay to go for lessons n dun want to put in efforts then why pay for lessons? Might as well just depend on interest n pick up on your own or self study? Just my thot. Mayb someone else who share the same thought can articulate it better?

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393224https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393224Wed, 06 Apr 2011 14:11:56 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I carry out my threat? on Wed, 06 Apr 2011 13:37:01 GMT]]>what is the objective of passing the piano practical ?


and what is the objective of learning piano ? enjoys playing the piano ? enjoy the piano music ? learning piano as a hobby or as a pursuit in musical talent ?

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393214https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393214Wed, 06 Apr 2011 13:37:01 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I carry out my threat? on Wed, 06 Apr 2011 11:45:36 GMT]]>I don’t make threats I can’t keep. So for my kid, if she doesn’t uphold her end of the bargain, I carry out my threat, painful as it is to both of us.


At Sec 2, passing Grade 3 practical really isn’t difficult, so your son must have been quite lax in practice. It seems to me that he enjoys music but not the exams that come with it. In that case, why not just let him learn piano without taking exams? It’ll be more enjoyable for him, and your piano won’t be a white horse.

Why don’t you ask him why he didn’t practise for his exam. Maybe it’s his way of telling you he doesn’t want to take exams.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393165https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393165Wed, 06 Apr 2011 11:45:36 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I carry out my threat? on Wed, 06 Apr 2011 10:28:19 GMT]]>First of all, I try not to make threats that I can't carry out. Kids will definitely call you in on it.


Second, since you've made the threat, just carry it out.
Interest is one thing, but not putting in the effort plainly derails whatever improvement he has on it. Let him know that until you see him put in sufficient effort into practice however many times a week, his lessons won't be reinstated. You can always say that it doesn't make sense to you as you're paying for his learning, but he's not appearing to show mastery as he does not practice? Why should you waste money on this, when your money can be put into better use - like for a sibling's learning or even your own learning. Going for music lessons is a privilege, not a right.

Third, the music school isn't like govt schools. They can hold off a few lessons until you're ready for more. Therefore, call them to make the arrangements.

If he sees you're serious about the lessons, it might make him be more serious about practicing. However, you could help him in his practice by telling him what is the minimum time you want to see him practicing per week.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393081https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393081Wed, 06 Apr 2011 10:28:19 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I carry out my threat? on Wed, 06 Apr 2011 10:13:45 GMT]]>all the more, that ppnqq 's suggestion seems to be the most practical and open option. You can still have your cake and eat it later.

my personal view only.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393059https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393059Wed, 06 Apr 2011 10:13:45 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I carry out my threat? on Wed, 06 Apr 2011 10:07:21 GMT]]>Well I know he is really interested but only in playing n learning songs he likes. Practising scales n perfecting them r not what he will diligently do. Picking up new songs that he has interest in, he will diligently do it on his own until he masters it to his liking. That is the problem. If I allow him to continue even after my threat will my words carry weight in future?

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393052https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393052Wed, 06 Apr 2011 10:07:21 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I carry out my threat? on Wed, 06 Apr 2011 09:57:19 GMT]]>

ppnqq:
I always make sure I do what I've promised, hence, my children know I really mean business and will really carry out the 'threat' so they also dare not 'play play' with me.


In this case, I will talk to the school, arrange for my child to stop for a few lessons or a month by explaining the reason to them, and I will tell my child that he IS going to stop his lessons since he did not pass due to his laziness and this is also what we have 'compromised', and also a punishment for being lazy.

After which, I will add on that I am giving him another chance by proving to me that he now has the heart and is putting in the effort in practicing his piano and guitar. If he can prove so, I will let him resume his lessons.

If he is really keen, he will 'wake up', and if he is still lazy, I may really just put a stop to his lessons for good until I can really see the 'sparks' in his eyes. JMHO.

Well, this is me. So unfortunate of my children, I think.
Hi ppnqq,

I salute you :celebrate: You are a good parent - fair and firm. 😎

Jade,

is he genuinely interested or is it you who wants him to be interested ? Just let him enjoy, he doesn't need a certificate to tell him that he loves playing the piano............................. errrr, ... do you ?? 😐

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393046https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393046Wed, 06 Apr 2011 09:57:19 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I carry out my threat? on Wed, 06 Apr 2011 09:41:44 GMT]]>Thanks for all ur comments. If he is not interested in piano n guitar n dreads the lesson then life will b easier for me. I will unreservedly terminate all lessons - no stress for either of us. Problem is he is interested and I am one who feels that there must be certain tangible achievement or goal at the end of the day but he is lazy n do here we r stuck in this delimma that I cannot reconcil.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393035https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393035Wed, 06 Apr 2011 09:41:44 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I carry out my threat? on Wed, 06 Apr 2011 09:33:52 GMT]]>

Jade:
I m in delimma. How to make him learn his lesson n yet not deprive him of the lessons? He is the lazy type. I m really tempted to just cancel it to let him know I m serious that not everything he wants he will get especially if he does not put in his fair share. Really in a delimma...

Well, your DS will probably be unhappy when you carry out your threat - but basically this is what both of you have agreed in the first place. Hopefully, at Sec 2, he can understand that. I tell my kids that it is ok to be unhappy (or even cry) as these are natural emotions, but they should be upset with themselves (and not me) if they are the ones responsible for their state of unhappiness.

On the other hand, if you \"give in\" and let your DS continue with his lessons, will you be assured that there will be no repeat and that your DS will wise up and practise? You have mentioned that he is the \"lazy\" type. So one outcome could either be you plan practise time in his schedule and make sure he adheres to it (that means, you do the monitoring of his practice time), or he practices at the beginning (while he can still remember his end of the promise) and slack after that.

I do agree with Jennifer about developing interest vs getting certificates. If he is really interested, would you consider letting him do it without having to go for exams or only to sign up for grading when he has attained the necessary skills. Then, playing the instrument becomes a hobby and it might also be an avenue for him to \"de-stress\".

DD learns piano too but we do not prepare her for exams. Rather, she signs up for grading only when she has attained the required skill level. So there is no pressure nor extra lessons as she prepares for her grading. DD is in P6 this year and playing the piano, as well as going for her lessons, are her ways of relaxing.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393031https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393031Wed, 06 Apr 2011 09:33:52 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I carry out my threat? on Wed, 06 Apr 2011 09:21:15 GMT]]>

ppnqq:
I always make sure I do what I've promised, hence, my children know I really mean business and will really carry out the 'threat' so they also dare not 'play play' with me.


In this case, I will talk to the school, arrange for my child to stop for a few lessons or a month by explaining the reason to them, and I will tell my child that he IS going to stop his lessons since he did not pass due to his laziness and this is also what we have 'compromised', and also a punishment for being lazy.

After which, I will add on that I am giving him another chance by proving to me that he now has the heart and is putting in the effort in practicing his piano and guitar. If he can prove so, I will let him resume his lessons.

If he is really keen, he will 'wake up', and if he is still lazy, I may really just put a stop to his lessons for good until I can really see the 'sparks' in his eyes. JMHO.

Well, this is me. So unfortunate of my children, I think.
I echo your sentiments totally. Sometimes, my kids are also lazy at practising the piano, I will also resort to threatening, but never with the option of stopping their paino lessons. I usually threaten with withdrawal of privileges instead, and ensure that I can follow through.

For me, as long as they passed the grading exams and sustain their interest, the score is not important - applicable only to non-academic interests.

So, if I were you, I will take ppnqq's suggestion of suspending lessons follow by a second chance.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393020https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/393020Wed, 06 Apr 2011 09:21:15 GMT