insider:

Below I shared few months back in the 'Teaching Values' thread.


In every 'crisis', there's always something valuable that a child can learn and grow stronger. Children should learn in tiny steps from young how to turn a negative situation into a positive one and how to turn tears into laughters (with a change of mindset)...

insider:

My 18 years old daughter just returned from Japan with her best friends from her primary school. Looking at their 10 years of friendship made me recall this little story that I once shared with my friend.

Cut and paste here to share with all:

毛毛是娃娃从小二就认识的朋友，她就住在我旧家的对面。

两个孩子每天手牵手一起上学、蹦蹦跳跳一起游玩。

再好的友情都会有被挑战的一天。在娃娃约小四那年，两人发生了‘很大’的口角。娃娃和我说了她的委屈，两人就从此不相往来。

我看着看着她两个礼拜左右，发现事情还是没有好转的迹象。

我就开始向她循循善诱的开导了。

我问她不相往来了她就是不是开心点了呢？

她扁着嘴说不开心，但她没有错，所以是不会先开口的。

我就说毛毛也会认为她没有错呀，那怎么是好呢？

我鼓励她‘放下’，告诉她妈妈相信她是受委屈了，但是那个委屈还不值得失去一个那样好的朋友。我浅白的告诉她‘度量’的重要。

说完了我的道理，孩子得靠自己的智慧去消化了（那是逼不来的）。

她想着想着，结果还是自己真的背着我打电话给毛毛冰释前嫌呢！

这件小事，毛毛的妈妈也知道。在楼下碰到面时还会夸娃娃的懂事而责备自己孩子的不是。

娃娃对这件事的印象是很深刻的。她有时还在感激我为她保留住了一个那么要好的朋友…

和你讲过，‘宽容’－　是我教育孩子的一个主要课题之一；因‘宽容’使大家的路都走得轻松点、开心点…

jedamum:

My ds2 almost got into a fight today. I was outside the playroom and could not hear the conversation going on inside. First that boy threw a plastic ball at my ds2 (not those type of 'catch' game). It caught my attention but because ds2 was smiling, I guessed they must be playing. Then after the boys ran around the room for a while, I noticed ds2's expression changed. Then I saw that boy pinching ds2 - a quick pinch. I stood up but waited to see how ds2 would react. He pushed the boy and the boy pushed back and then ds2 raised his fist, I rushed into the room. I scolded ds2 that he should not push people. Then I asked that boy why he pinched ds2. I asked him twice and he kept quiet. Knowing that he (ds2) was in trouble, he wanted me to leave the playroom, and I did. The two did not play together thereafter although ds2 was clearly still in distress (I could see from the glass panelled wall. After a while, he came out sobbing and I asked him why he got into a fight and he gave me ridiculous reasons. After explaining and getting him to promise never to do it again, he hooked my finger and begged me not to tell the dad. Then he went back to play. I was still contemplating whether to confront that boy's mother for the pinching incident, but dismissed it after seeing that both boys played together again after a while.

That boy looks (size and maturity) like a lower/mid pri student (he was carrying a iphone around). My ds2 is only in K1.

cwc:

However, in this case, it was another mommy whom I knew got concerned and feedback to me (her DD will tell her about what happened in sch & comments/complain) And that's how I got to know and started asking DD about the situation. DD was so blur that she's not even aware of it until I started asking a lot about the project. TO her, it's ok....that gal has been behaving that way to her (ignore most of the times and on a few occasions, nice). I would have totally ignored it if not for the fact that that GAL is trying to omit DD's name from the project, which I thot was not right nor fair. Guess, depending on situation, we may have to intervene esp. when the child is the blur kind.

Faun:

Hi CWC,
You know how sometimes stories get peppered along as they travel from one person to another. Do you think the 3rd party you hear from has her own agenda or just trying to help? Sorry to doubt your friend but sometimes I think friends can help us in the wrong way too.

I think whether the group has authority to kick your dd out of team, it's for teacher to decide. You may want to intervene but sometimes it can appear petty as parents are not directly involve in the project, so it's going to be a lot of 'She says, I say, They say'. No hard evidence. If your dd is in this group only for this project. You may want to consider to wait the situation out. It will pass. DD can also have a chance to work things out herself. What don't break her will make her. There are more projects to come.

Faun:

About that girl blowing hot and cold in her friendship with your dd, it's pretty normal for gals that age. My dd just got dumped by her best friend 2 weeks ago. She was hurt and confused. Like you, I analyzed the problem with her. DD concludes that it's not her fault. That friend was just getting b****y. Yes a lot of girls get b****y P5 onwards. Got to do with hormones, mood swings, stress I guess. I took the opportunity to remind her to nurture herself as her No.1 best friend so she will never be lonely. Friends come and go but you are always there for yourself. I think they call this intranet-personal skills.

cwc:

However, in this case, it was another mommy whom I knew got concerned and feedback to me (her DD will tell her about what happened in sch & comments/complain) And that's how I got to know and started asking DD about the situation. DD was so blur that she's not even aware of it until I started asking a lot about the project. TO her, it's ok....that gal has been behaving that way to her (ignore most of the times and on a few occasions, nice). I would have totally ignored it if not for the fact that that GAL is trying to omit DD's name from the project, which I thot was not right nor fair. Guess, depending on situation, we may have to intervene esp. when the child is the blur kind.

Faun:

Do you think we sometimes blow things out of proportion because we were not at the scene of the problem? We just hear from what our child tells us but perhaps it is not as bad as we think it might have been.


This happens to me sometimes. I don't like to see my child feel hurt too. But I try my very best to control myself and not judge too much.

cwc:

SAHM_TAN:

[quote=\"Laughing\"]Are we getting more bully in school these days? My DD just told me that her classmate had been saying to her lately \"I don't want to see you face anymore!\"

Think kids watching adult drama series is not helping too. The language used by the actors are quite harsh. Now I only let them watching kiddie shows

SAHM_TAN:

Laughing:

Are we getting more bully in school these days? My DD just told me that her classmate had been saying to her lately \"I don't want to see you face anymore!\"

Think kids watching adult drama series is not helping too. The language used by the actors are quite harsh. Now I only let them watching kiddie shows

cwc:

Thanks Insider for your sharing and advice. I specially took lunch to DD just now (1st time this year), just so that I know if she managed to 'contribute' today. She smiled and din say much....well, seems a good sign. Will only get more details this evening. Hope all turns well for future too.

Laughing:

Are we getting more bully in school these days? My DD just told me that her classmate had been saying to her lately \"I don't want to see you face anymore!\"

3Boys:

:?


Am I alone in thinking its not a real big deal?

Small kids aren't always careful or aware about what they say, so I don't think we need to be too harsh on them. Yes, its not nice, but nobody got hurt. I tell my kids to ignore and if continues, to avoid. Some of my boys' closest friends in school, in a fit of pique, have acted and said worse things. The way I see it, the important thing is to teach our own children to see it in context, not feel hurt, and ride out the storms.

SAHM_TAN:

Chenonceau:

[quote=\"SAHM_TAN\"]Maybe I too emotional, I cannot take it cool when my children get hurt by others.

I am that way too. I find it hard to LIKE children who are mean to my kids. Even after the issue is resolved and my kids have forgotten. On girl copied my daughter's work and topped the class for that assignment. Teacher did not notice that the 2 scripts were EXACTLY the same... and he also shrugged off the issue when my girl highlighted it (in a very roundabout way so as not to offend the Teacher). I remember and find it hard to be well disposed towards the young lady who for years has been a good friend of my daughter (even though my daughter never emailed assignments to anyone wholesale ever again). My daughter is very forgiving, which is good. But me... I just can't get rid of the residual distrust and dislike.

insider:

cwc:

Hi,

my DD has transferred to a new school this year.

I'm not sure what's the outcome yet. (PS: Submission next week)

I'm really contemplating asking to split DD from L in future in all projects.

Now I wonder, should I let it rest if they put her name back? My DD is quite bo-chap type and this time, I could see that she's upset.

GOSH, they are only P4 and already behaving so

Would you go to the teacher? Or any other suggestion? I thought of speaking to L, but I'm afraid she'll end up saying I pressure/bully her. So better let the teacher do it. Any advice?

Kids start to politic earlier than during our time. They 'mature' much faster in this politicking sense perhaps due to competitions.　

My eldest daughter's final year project at 19 years old could see severe politicking among her classmates. The backstabbing and the scheming in order to be in a pair that one 'aims' / 'desires'. Who talked bad about who and then who is right and who is wrong and what is true and what is not, etc, etc. She told me about all these but I told her good that she first experienced politics in school which is still relatively harmless and warned her that work politics will be much more worst coz it really involves promotion, money, and power.

Kids who are ostracised from a group usually fall into two categories - either they are slow or they are good. Slow ones got excluded coz the group worries such may pull the grade down and good ones sometimes may get ostracised coz there is another as good one in the group that leads to 一山不能藏二虎。When a group is not headed by a fair leader, there's not much group dynamics that we can really talk about and at P4, not easy for a child to really exhibit such leadership skills.

Main objective of project work is supposed to let the kids learn about group dynamics and so grading should be based more on how a group collaborates and co-operates rather than the actual product itself after a project. The whole process of coming up with the product is far more important than the product itself. I wonder most of the teachers understand about this coz they seem to still value more of the product itself than the process which will result in this kind 'dispute'. Teachers' job is to ensure that each group is progressing well among team members and to mediate if there are hicups in the dynamics but I don't think your child's teacher has been doing that... This is another evident of of how Teach Less Learn More failed coz most teachers don't know what the objectives of project work are and still only looking at the final product to award grades.

If I were you, I will take this as a good opportunity to discuss with my child about school/work politics, that it is part and parcel of life and get her to reflect what made her got excluded from the group (her own weaknesses) and how to improve on those weaknesses. There's one thing that I instilled very strongly in my kids - conscience - that we must do our part and as long as we do that, we are not afraid of consequences. Even though some consequences may end up unfair/bad, we should still be able to sleep soundly and put the matter behind us.

I will ask my child what she expects me to do if her name has been include/excluded from the group, whether to talk to L or teacher directly (talking to L directly is not appropriate) and listen to her 'strategy'. (every 'crisis' present itself a huge learning opportunity that parents need to seize to teach more on the intangible of wisdom, courage, etc).

If her name is really excluded from the group during submission even when she put in efforts, teacher will ask, and from there, put up the case. (I don't think they dare to exclude her coz they should be intelligent enough not to stir shit for themselves). For being late in attending meetings, teacher may penalise some points and she has to accept gracefully...

If her name is included, then I will let the matter rest and move on and wait for the next... (don't worry so much first and see what come may for another project).

PS: at lower levels, we really don't care about the final products. My preschoolers all working on mini projects. Teachers are not supposed to say which group constructed the best block buildings at the end, but they have to share that they could observe Group 1 members are getting along well, so and so guided so and so patiently, so and so was able to give way to other's opinion, so and so should not shout at so and so and should..., etc, etc. The final product is never an interest to us coz that's never the objective of project.

Chenonceau:

SAHM_TAN:

Maybe I too emotional, I cannot take it cool when my children get hurt by others.

I am that way too. I find it hard to LIKE children who are mean to my kids. Even after the issue is resolved and my kids have forgotten. On girl copied my daughter's work and topped the class for that assignment. Teacher did not notice that the 2 scripts were EXACTLY the same... and he also shrugged off the issue when my girl highlighted it (in a very roundabout way so as not to offend the Teacher). I remember and find it hard to be well disposed towards the young lady who for years has been a good friend of my daughter (even though my daughter never emailed assignments to anyone wholesale ever again). My daughter is very forgiving, which is good. But me... I just can't get rid of the residual distrust and dislike.

insider:

Kids start to politic earlier than during our time. They 'mature' much faster in this politicking sense perhaps due to competitions.　
Kids who are ostracised from a group usually fall into two categories - either they are slow or they are good. Slow ones got excluded coz the group worries such may pull the grade down and good ones sometimes may get ostracised coz there is another as good one in the group that leads to 一山不能藏二虎。When a group is not headed by a fair leader, there's not much group dynamics that we can really talk about and at P4, not easy for a child to really exhibit such leadership skills.

insider:

Main objective of project work is supposed to let the kids learn about group dynamics and so grading should be based more on how a group collaborates and co-operates rather than the actual product itself after a project. The whole process of coming up with the product is far more important than the product itself. I wonder most of the teachers understand about this coz they seem to still value more of the product itself than the process which will result in this kind 'dispute'. Teachers' job is to ensure that each group is progressing well among team members and to mediate if there are hicups in the dynamics but I don't think your child's teacher has been doing that... This is another evident of of how Teach Less Learn More failed coz most teachers don't know what the objectives of project work are and still only looking at the final product to award grades.

If I were you, I will take this as a good opportunity to discuss with my child about school/work politics, that it is part and parcel of life and get her to reflect what made her got excluded from the group (her own weaknesses) and how to improve on those weaknesses. There's one thing that I instilled very strongly in my kids - conscience - that we must do our part and as long as we do that, we are not afraid of consequences. Even though some consequences may end up unfair/bad, we should still be able to sleep soundly and put the matter behind us..

insider:

I will ask my child what she expects me to do if her name has been include/excluded from the group, whether to talk to L or teacher directly (talking to L directly is not appropriate) and listen to her 'strategy'. (every 'crisis' present itself a huge learning opportunity that parents need to seize to teach more on the intangible of wisdom, courage, etc.)
If her name is really excluded from the group during submission even when she put in efforts, teacher will ask, and from there, put up the case. (I don't think they dare to exclude her coz they should be intelligent enough not to stir shit for themselves). For being late in attending meetings, teacher may penalise some points and she has to accept gracefully).
If her name is included, then I will let the matter rest and move on and wait for the next... (don't worry so much first and see what come may for another project).

3Boys:

Hey, I understand. I did not know of your previous experience. Bullying cannot be tolerated, vent away......

jedamum:

Is it a one-two time suggestion only? and could the girl be joking?

Your description on \"At 10, boys and girls don't mix. The boys think the girls are mean and evil creatures. The girls think the boys are irritating and smelly beasts.\" is very funny. Fortunately, my going-9-yo boy still thinks girls have their merits and has his fair share of nice female classmate as he is (clearly) not in the 'smelly beasts' category...think along the line of 'nerd' (cannot say the same for ds2! :D).

SAHM_TAN:

Maybe I too emotional, I cannot take it cool when my children get hurt by others.

3Boys:

SAHM_TAN:

Maybe I too emotional, I cannot take it cool when my children get hurt by others. I control infront of them but just need to vent. Especially now I no longer have colleagues, I need another channel.

Hey, I understand. I did not know of your previous experience. Bullying cannot be tolerated, vent away......