R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties?

Reply to R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties? on Fri, 16 Sep 2011 14:53:27 GMT

nissin — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 14:53:27 GMT

DesertWind:

Hi jnj0910,

Simple lah. Don't celebrate in school lor? Do they know its your kid's birthday at all if you keep quiet about it? I mean, if you scared they will compare quality of party packs and cakes, then do nothing. Just celebrate at home. If your kids ask, it is a good time to tell them if others only want
to make friends with them through \"material\" means, then they are not
good friends.

I would simply bo chap instead of angonising about it...

Agree. I do not celebrate my kids birthdays in sch. We will only celebrate within the family..with grandma, ah Yee and cousins etc

Reply to R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties? on Fri, 16 Sep 2011 14:36:26 GMT

DesertWind — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 14:36:26 GMT

jnj0910:
So the issue is the children/students... they will compare birthday parties/party packs...

At that age, kids dun know any better and they might \"see no up\" those who have lower \"standards\" of celebration...
young children can be very mean too... so the advice was to help kids fit in better with their classmates etc...

anyway to get round that? :nailbite:

Hi jnj0910,

Simple lah. Don't celebrate in school lor? Do they know its your kid's birthday at all if you keep quiet about it? I mean, if you scared they will compare quality of party packs and cakes, then do nothing. Just celebrate at home. If your kids ask, it is a good time to tell them if others only want to make friends with them through \"material\" means, then they are not good friends.

I would simply bo chap instead of angonising about it...

Reply to R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties? on Fri, 16 Sep 2011 14:22:51 GMT

DesertWind — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 14:22:51 GMT

My kid’s pre-school actually discourages parents from giving out goodie bags during birthdays. Instead if parents wish too, they can send in a SMALL birthday cake for the teacher to celebrate with the class. The idea is so that other parents will not feel pressurized to keep up and also there will not be any wastage of the cake. This is actually stated in the parents’ handbook!

I actually feel quite relief knowing this because although I can afford it, somehow I don’t like the idea of giving out goody bags to "strangers" who may just throw them all away. I know my boy love the birthday cake and it gave him great delight to have a simple cake with candles in front of him, we (or his classmates) singing him the birthday song and then he blew out the candles…then ate the cake of course! He was so happy that we felt our hearts bursting with happiness too!

For his 3 yo birthday we got him a Four Leave cake with sugar trains on top and celebrated in his preschool. For his 4 yo birthday, this time we bought a Cedele depot Orange Cheesecake (we discovered he loves cheese cake and not the normal dry cake) and celebrated at home. To him, once he saw the cake, he went "Wow!". It makes no difference to him that it was not a "kiddy cake" but an "adult cake", he just love the whole process and attacked the cake!

As for birthday parties, at 3 yo, he was invited to quite a fancy home party with a balloon castle at a large landed property and we were so happy for my boy being his first birthday invitation. I would much prefer to attend fanciful birthday parties then to organize one myself (ke…ke…ke).

I am still waiting for him to be able to talk properly and make some friends first and surely we will throw a birthday party for him one day!

Reply to R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties? on Thu, 15 Sep 2011 00:45:00 GMT

micollh — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 00:45:00 GMT

i would think celebrating in school with their friends, DD birthday will fall on sat, but i make it a point to celebrate it on weekdays before the sat…like u all said, for third to forth quater babies they saw their friends celebrating their bdays in school thus, they will have this desire to have their own too… yes, do the celebration within our means…it’ll leave a a beautiful memory to the child, siblings, and parents… of course the kids in school…

so, i guess, it’s something we cherish a lot… as after they past certain age, it will never come back again… their "wants" changes …

so, enjoy the preparation/planning… it’s so fun actually…

Reply to R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties? on Wed, 14 Sep 2011 09:47:59 GMT

happy to be mum — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 09:47:59 GMT

whoa, thanks for this post!

i have been telling DH nowadays parents are spoiling their kids too much, birthdays for example.

a good friend of mine had just celebrated her DS birthday in school on a Friday though her DS’s birthday was a Saturday. I told her I will not celebrate it in school if that is not the actual day and I did not. She then told me her son will be so disappointed not having a birthday cake and goodies bags. Her son expected it and he was only 5 years old! Just the other day her son was asking her why they are not staying in condo?! I cannot imagine what else will her son be asking her in near future.

At times, I wonder whether I am "abnormal" for not indulging DS to alot of "cool" stuffs, like having a i-phone or i-pad for him to play, not having alot of toys for him but alot of books. But we spend alot of times with him. Sometimes I do not understand those parents who bring i-pad out just for their kids to play games?? To me, they are spoiling them and not engaging them.

Parents are too much of a "slaves" to kids nowadays. I know kids are getting fewer but what are we trying to teach our kids? That all the goodies in their lives come by so easily? When my kids are bigger, will want to bring them to experience and do some volunteer works in a third world country.

Reply to R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties? on Wed, 14 Sep 2011 09:26:35 GMT

darling_sunshine — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 09:26:35 GMT

I’m guilty to be a ‘spoiling’ parent as my hubby also lament. The very one reason I do so is to leave beautiful memories for my kid to share his joy with his friends. Cos I never had one when I was a child.

Of course, I do it within my means (both time & $$). It all started last year when my kid relate to me after his friends celebrated birthday parties in school with their parents. He being a year-end child, he has probably gone through so many parties and had so much fun. And the many parties probably gave him ideas how he would like to celebrate his birthday. So I threw a simple party with his classmates making Mickey Mouse cupcakes & bought Mickey Mouse balloons. He had so much fun and so did his friends.

It warmed my heart when his classmate’s parent sent me a note to thank me for the party cos her child loved the cupcakes & balloons. Of course, I’m elated when the kids had so much fun. Even more when my kid gave me big hugs & kisses.

This year, I’m keeping it going cos he’s older and has higher expectations. It would also mean spending a little more. Well, I guess it’s worthwhile so long the kids enjoy and it’s within my means.

Reply to R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties? on Wed, 14 Sep 2011 09:24:51 GMT

KZYPmum — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 09:24:51 GMT

beanstalk:
jnj0910:

So the issue is the children/students... they will compare birthday parties/party packs...
At that age, kids dun know any better and they might \"see no up\" those who have lower \"standards\" of celebration...
young children can be very mean too... so the advice was to help kids fit in better with their classmates etc...

anyway to get round that? :nailbite:
My kid goes to a kindergarten where parties are routine, a few of which are even over the top.

No, they don't compare party packs and they don't make/lose friends based on party fun level or cost. In fact, they can enjoy a party without even liking the host child very much! Attending a party and making friends are two separate issues. All they care about a party is being invited and included, and meeting friends. All they remember (and cherish) is laughing and playing with their friends. The rest (bag, cake, snacks) is really immaterial.

It's probably the parents who feel like they have to keep up. You can choose to let yourself be sucked into the game or not.

Yup agree... think at this age they don't 'feedback' that so-and-so has this huge cake and why can't I too? or so-and-so gave these things in the goodie bag and can i give this too? Think that comes later.

the pressure is felt by (and acted upon by) the parents. sometimes we imagine more repercussions on our kids than what there really are.

maybe also cos they are not very conscious of the value of things. a cheap sheet of stickers is sometimes more valued than an expensive box of crayons, both of which have been given as goody bag items before...

Reply to R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties? on Wed, 14 Sep 2011 08:53:47 GMT

yqyq — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 08:53:47 GMT

IMO..my dd while at child care centre has been looking forward to her yearly birthday...she just want to share the joy with her teachers and friends at the centre...no 'big deal' celebration, just a simple cake and a simple goodies pack for those kids and teachers.

I can see the joy of the kids face when they they received their slice of cake and that goodies pack...and my dd also v happy while distributing the goodies pack.

Hopefully she able to learn 'the joy of sharing'

Reply to R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties? on Wed, 14 Sep 2011 08:45:26 GMT

beanstalk — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 08:45:26 GMT

jnj0910:

So the issue is the children/students... they will compare birthday parties/party packs...
At that age, kids dun know any better and they might \"see no up\" those who have lower \"standards\" of celebration...
young children can be very mean too... so the advice was to help kids fit in better with their classmates etc...

anyway to get round that? :nailbite:

My kid goes to a kindergarten where parties are routine, a few of which are even over the top.

No, they don't compare party packs and they don't make/lose friends based on party fun level or cost. In fact, they can enjoy a party without even liking the host child very much! Attending a party and making friends are two separate issues. All they care about a party is being invited and included, and meeting friends. All they remember (and cherish) is laughing and playing with their friends. The rest (bag, cake, snacks) is really immaterial.

It's probably the parents who feel like they have to keep up. You can choose to let yourself be sucked into the game or not.

Reply to R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties? on Wed, 14 Sep 2011 03:55:59 GMT

KZYPmum — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 03:55:59 GMT

I think you seem to be clear on what you want, and just need to gumption to stick with it.

Reply to R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties? on Fri, 26 Aug 2011 00:40:21 GMT

Nebbermind — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 00:40:21 GMT

jnj0910:
When I expressed that I do not wish my child to conform to such \"elitist\" behaviour, and that they should not make or choose friends based on exclusive activities like this... friends ( and even hubby agrees ... ) tell me to \" wake up my idea\" if I do not wish my children to be \"outcast\" by their peers.Was advised that I have to conform for my kids to fit in with their peers, as all kids at whatever ages, sooner/later, will have to grapple with peer pressure etc etc..

Well, u can ignore your friends but not your hubby as u r gonna bring up your children together. Guess u need to 1stly match both expectation and agree on the way forward.

Reply to R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties? on Thu, 25 Aug 2011 10:08:54 GMT

jnj0910 — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 10:08:54 GMT

Nebbermind:
suddenly I'm lost in this thread.

Are we discussing parents' extravagant spending on young children lifestyle activities...or how to manage our own children's expectation? :?

Both, it seems

Reply to R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties? on Thu, 25 Aug 2011 10:03:07 GMT

jnj0910 — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 10:03:07 GMT

Chenonceau:
jnj0910:
So the issue is the children/students... they will compare birthday parties/party packs...

At that age, kids dun know any better and they might \"see no up\" those who have lower \"standards\" of celebration...
young children can be very mean too... so the advice was to help kids fit in better with their classmates etc...

anyway to get round that? :nailbite:
It was uncomfortable for DD at times. But I made sure I stayed close and was supportive and comforting. In the end, it built character. But then again, different circumstances need different responses. I am not sure my circumstances were exactly like yours are today. So... listen to your inner voice eh... after listening to our sharing?

yup, I will, thanks!

Reply to R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties? on Thu, 25 Aug 2011 10:00:20 GMT

jnj0910 — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 10:00:20 GMT

hquek:
hi jnj0910,

Actually if your child experiences such behaviour from others, I think it'll be positive as you can provide then the sort of talk Chenoceau gave her children. When the child experiences it, then the lesson will go deeper. If it's just talk, not so much impact.

Hi hquek,
yes, i hope to be able to do that when the time comes

Reply to R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties? on Thu, 25 Aug 2011 09:56:59 GMT

Nebbermind — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 09:56:59 GMT

suddenly I'm lost in this thread.

Are we discussing parents' extravagant spending on young children lifestyle activities...or how to manage our own children's expectation? :?

Reply to R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties? on Thu, 25 Aug 2011 09:40:19 GMT

Chenonceau — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 09:40:19 GMT

jnj0910:
So the issue is the children/students... they will compare birthday parties/party packs...

At that age, kids dun know any better and they might \"see no up\" those who have lower \"standards\" of celebration...
young children can be very mean too... so the advice was to help kids fit in better with their classmates etc...

anyway to get round that? :nailbite:

It was uncomfortable for DD at times. But I made sure I stayed close and was supportive and comforting. In the end, it built character. But then again, different circumstances need different responses. I am not sure my circumstances were exactly like yours are today. So... listen to your inner voice eh... after listening to our sharing?

Reply to R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties? on Thu, 25 Aug 2011 09:40:06 GMT

hquek — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 09:40:06 GMT

hi jnj0910,

Actually if your child experiences such behaviour from others, I think it’ll be positive as you can provide then the sort of talk Chenoceau gave her children. When the child experiences it, then the lesson will go deeper. If it’s just talk, not so much impact.

Understand what your well meaning friends are doing, it’s fine to be prepared, but personally I don’t want to join the crowd becos that’s in.

Reply to R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties? on Thu, 25 Aug 2011 09:39:16 GMT

jnj0910 — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 09:39:16 GMT

Chenonceau:
jnj0910:
Hi Jedamum,

the issue is not the parents; my well-meaning frens were just updating me on the trends in pre-school, esp the privately run ones, which are so commonplace now.

The issue is whether by not helping our children \"fit in\" by doing what their classmates are doing, or rather by what parties/celebrations/gifts for friends/classmates that their parents throw for them, whether that will affect their making friends :?
Hi hi... if it is any comfort, our family went through exactly those challenges. Like you, I was worried at first but then I realised that people still liked us no matter what we chose to do, as long as we genuinely cared for them.

We stayed for many years in HDB. My DD came home one day and asked why we stayed in HDB when everyone else she knew lived in condos and landed properties... and she was a little bit sad that her friends refused to come to our house because \"our house has nothing to do... no swimming pool... no tennis court... nothing\". She too felt that she did not fit in.

For me, that day, after school, was a teachable moment. I took 2 hours to explain our philosophy on spending wisely and investing resources in the right things. I am very close to my kids and if they weren't getting the affirmation they needed from friends, they got a lot from me. She learnt also to care for her friends genuinely and look past what they had or what their parents were willing to spend or where they lived.

Years later, when we came back from USA, we had peace for 2 days, then my DD made ONE phone call and the phone rang off the hook for the next 3 days. She was that popular. She still is very much liked by her friends but she has no branded clothes... and she doesn't feel the need to own many new clothes...

At the end of P6, her friends asked her to watch Corpse Bride, a movie that we had discussed and agreed was not healthy. Her friends told her that they would help her hide from me. My DD smiled gently and said \"It's ok lah... you all go lor... I'm sure you will have fun. I'm going home.\" In the end, her friends came home with her. I was proud that she had demonstrated some degree of moral fibre and provided her peers some moral leadership. The experience of staying grounded in an HDB flat gave her moral fibre to do what she thought was right (never mind what others think).

Maybe this could allay your fears. People from all walks of life and every age group respond to genuine friendship... and I actually find that people warm up to me much quicker when I am dressed humbly and hold parties at home even if home is HDB.

So... take heart eh? No need to abandon your friends. It is not their fault that they're successful and if they wanna show it or they wanna make their kids happy, why not?

Thanks for sharing ! I hope to achieve the same with my kids some day

Reply to R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties? on Thu, 25 Aug 2011 09:27:41 GMT

jnj0910 — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 09:27:41 GMT

Chenonceau:
I hang out often with people who splurge on branded stuff... I got dragged along to a shopping trip in KL where everyone else bought Jimmy Choos. I was the only one who didn't. We've just been invited to the Ritz Carlton for a kid's b'day celebration (1 yr old). I am not keen on going because I have to dress up. But my friend is very insistent that I share in her joy. As usual, I will turn up in my non-branded clothes and the next time I throw a party, it won't be at the Ritz Carlton.

If your friend is a true friend, you dun have to be like them for them to accept you. If I gotta look rich so that you'll be my friend then it's ok, I dun need your friendship. Most people are decent enough not to mind what I wear and where I throw my parties so many are still my friends. All I gotta do is be happy with them when they thrill at their beautiful bags and shoes... and share in the happy events of their lives... and they dun mind me at all.

Agree totally
But i think everyone is missing the point here... the issue is not us or our friends... My well-meaning frens were just sharing their experience, warning me what to expect when its my kids' turns in preschool.

So the issue is the children/students... they will compare birthday parties/party packs...
At that age, kids dun know any better and they might \"see no up\" those who have lower \"standards\" of celebration...
young children can be very mean too... so the advice was to help kids fit in better with their classmates etc...

anyway to get round that? :nailbite:

Reply to R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties? on Thu, 25 Aug 2011 09:26:13 GMT

Chenonceau — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 09:26:13 GMT

jnj0910:
Hi Jedamum,

the issue is not the parents; my well-meaning frens were just updating me on the trends in pre-school, esp the privately run ones, which are so commonplace now.

The issue is whether by not helping our children \"fit in\" by doing what their classmates are doing, or rather by what parties/celebrations/gifts for friends/classmates that their parents throw for them, whether that will affect their making friends :?

Hi hi... if it is any comfort, our family went through exactly those challenges. Like you, I was worried at first but then I realised that people still liked us no matter what we chose to do, as long as we genuinely cared for them.

We stayed for many years in HDB. My DD came home one day and asked why we stayed in HDB when everyone else she knew lived in condos and landed properties... and she was a little bit sad that her friends refused to come to our house because \"our house has nothing to do... no swimming pool... no tennis court... nothing\". She too felt that she did not fit in.

For me, that day, after school, was a teachable moment. I took 2 hours to explain our philosophy on spending wisely and investing resources in the right things. I am very close to my kids and if they weren't getting the affirmation they needed from friends, they got a lot from me. She learnt also to care for her friends genuinely and look past what they had or what their parents were willing to spend or where they lived.

Years later, when we came back from USA, we had peace for 2 days, then my DD made ONE phone call and the phone rang off the hook for the next 3 days. She was that popular. She still is very much liked by her friends but she has no branded clothes... and she doesn't feel the need to own many new clothes...

At the end of P6, her friends asked her to watch Corpse Bride, a movie that we had discussed and agreed was not healthy. Her friends told her that they would help her hide from me. My DD smiled gently and said \"It's ok lah... you all go lor... I'm sure you will have fun. I'm going home.\" In the end, her friends came home with her. I was proud that she had demonstrated some degree of moral fibre and provided her peers some moral leadership. The experience of staying grounded in an HDB flat gave her moral fibre to do what she thought was right (never mind what others think).

Maybe this could allay your fears. People from all walks of life and every age group respond to genuine friendship... and I actually find that people warm up to me much quicker when I am dressed humbly and hold parties at home even if home is HDB.

So... take heart eh? No need to abandon your friends. It is not their fault that they're successful and if they wanna show it or they wanna make their kids happy, why not?

Reply to R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties? on Thu, 25 Aug 2011 09:09:25 GMT

jnj0910 — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 09:09:25 GMT

ksi:
I agree with jedamum, everyone finds joy differently...no need to try so hard to be the same, just stay with like-minded people and life would be much happier and easier.

But how to do that at pre-school level?
If I find that a particular pre-school has good teaching environment, fits all my criteria etc etc, but happen to be private, not cheap, as opposed to , say, PCF, and have heard that students there have birthday celebrations in school with big 3D or >1 tier cake, nice fancy party packs etc... do I eschew this school?? :sad:

It's not the schools' fault if they are good and attract parents with high spending power and who are happy to splurge on their kids' birthdays ....

Reply to R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties? on Thu, 25 Aug 2011 09:08:44 GMT

hquek — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 09:08:44 GMT

but at that young age, I don’t think having fancy parties/gifts will endear one to others. It’s more about how the child behaves in his/her class that’s most impt.

In any case, there’s max 4 years of pre-school. i think there will be more to come when they enter pri/sec school.

Reply to R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties? on Thu, 25 Aug 2011 09:04:00 GMT

jnj0910 — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 09:04:00 GMT

jedamum:
jnj0910:
Hi,

found out from friends with kids as young as preschool, that the new norm for birthday celebrations is quite \"atas\".

was told that it is expected for a child to celebrate his/her birthday in school with classmates, and apart from the usual birthday cake ( which cannot be just one tier), must also have party packs, which must contain enough \"goodies\" of sufficient \"standard\"!

And if a birthday is celebrated outside of school, a party venue complete with entertainment eg performer, games by external vendor, etc, is also expected.

When I expressed that I do not wish my child to conform to such \"elitist\" behaviour, and that they should not make or choose friends based on exclusive activities like this... friends ( and even hubby agrees ... ) tell me to \" wake up my idea\" if I do not wish my children to be \"outcast\" by their peers.
Was advised that I have to conform for my kids to fit in with their peers, as
all kids at whatever ages, sooner/later, will have to grapple with peer pressure etc etc..

Basically , that time has changed.... new norms to be adopted for one to fit in...

Wish to take a poll... surely I am not the only one who thinks that it is not ok to inculcate what seems like materialistic values with these excessive practice from preschool age?
it is the norm...depending on your circle of friends and the brand of preschool that your kid attends. one of my kid (ds1) attended pcf. one attends a church kindergarten. although there is no 'mandatory' birthday celebration protocol (or at least i am not bothered to find out cos i have no wish to celebrate his birthday in school), the quality of 'goodie' bag is different from my ds1's preschool.
i don't like to fit in for the wrong reasons and prefer to stand out for the right.
maybe it is time for you to change friends?

Hi Jedamum,

the issue is not the parents; my well-meaning frens were just updating me on the trends in pre-school, esp the privately run ones, which are so commonplace now.

The issue is whether by not helping our children \"fit in\" by doing what their classmates are doing, or rather by what parties/celebrations/gifts for friends/classmates that their parents throw for them, whether that will affect their making friends :?

Reply to R we spoiling our kids by fancy preschool birthday parties? on Thu, 25 Aug 2011 08:57:11 GMT

Chenonceau — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 08:57:11 GMT

wan2bdad:
yes, I agree with you guys here.. but my parents (grand parents of my kid) want to throw him a grand party.. since he is with my folks since birth.. headache abt this issue..

Ummmm... it may be wise (I'm not sure) to take the opportunity to explain gently and firmly to your parents your stand. Both sets of grandparents of my kids were made to understand that I (and my husband) have the final say when it comes to the kids. If the line is not drawn clearly early, you will run into a lotta problems when your child becomes older (and more conscious).

If I say \"no party\" I mean it. If I say \"no junk food in my house\", there is no junk food... and if my kids have junk food at Grandma's house, they will get it from me... and Grandma too will be informed of the punishment, and made to understand that she was the one who caused the event.