Chenonceau:

beanbear:

I think there's a difference between feeling deprived and delayed gratification. There's been studies that show that children who are taught to delay gratification are better able to learn self-control and also develop other leadership qualities.


In bringing up my 3 kids, I've used the concept of delayed gratification consciously but I don't do it to be sadistic. Kids also need to understand the difference between Needs vs Wants. Most of our desires are Wants and not Needs. If my kids have a \"Want\", they earn it through accumulating good behaviour/study reward points, savings, earnings from chores, etc. I believe that as a parent if I give in to any request for the latest fad, then my children more about instant gratification rather than delayed gratification.

When they make choices about what to purchase, I teach them about using criteria for selection of toys - what makes one toy better than another toy eg durability, promoting creativity, safety, etc. Of course, I've had my fair share of weakness when I've given in to my children's whims and allow them to purchase something that only lasted 2 days of enjoyment. We then turn it into a lesson about why that purchase was a poor decision. I also set expectations with my kids ahead of time BEFORE we head to a shopping mall the purpose of the outing. If my kids are allowed to make a purchase with their earned rewards or savings, I make it a special trip for toys shopping. For any other occasions in a shopping mall, I let kids know ahead of time that there will no purchasing of any toys and I also exercise personal discipline not to buy anything for myself.

Finally, I define clear boundaries about what decisions my children are allowed to make and what they are not allowed to make. Areas which my children do not have decision-making power are things like furniture, holidays, number of hours spent on play or tv, specific food choices, etc. Kids need boundaries about what's within their control and what is not. I define clearly what areas my children have a voice to influence their parents' decision, which areas they have full control in making a decision and finally which areas they have absolutely no say in. What I've discovered in using this approach is that my children knows when they can negotiate with me and when they would not even attempt to negotiate. It prevents many energy-wasting arguments which I've found some of friends experience with their children because their kids negotiate for everything or pester their parents for everything.

:goodpost:

beanbear:

I define clearly what areas my children have a voice to influence their parents' decision, which areas they have full control in making a decision and finally which areas they have absolutely no say in. What I've discovered in using this approach is that my children knows when they can negotiate with me and when they would not even attempt to negotiate. It prevents many energy-wasting arguments which I've found some of friends experience with their children because their kids negotiate for everything or pester their parents for everything.

beanbear:

I think there's a difference between feeling deprived and delayed gratification. There's been studies that show that children who are taught to delay gratification are better able to learn self-control and also develop other leadership qualities.


In bringing up my 3 kids, I've used the concept of delayed gratification consciously but I don't do it to be sadistic. Kids also need to understand the difference between Needs vs Wants. Most of our desires are Wants and not Needs. If my kids have a \"Want\", they earn it through accumulating good behaviour/study reward points, savings, earnings from chores, etc. I believe that as a parent if I give in to any request for the latest fad, then my children more about instant gratification rather than delayed gratification.

When they make choices about what to purchase, I teach them about using criteria for selection of toys - what makes one toy better than another toy eg durability, promoting creativity, safety, etc. Of course, I've had my fair share of weakness when I've given in to my children's whims and allow them to purchase something that only lasted 2 days of enjoyment. We then turn it into a lesson about why that purchase was a poor decision. I also set expectations with my kids ahead of time BEFORE we head to a shopping mall the purpose of the outing. If my kids are allowed to make a purchase with their earned rewards or savings, I make it a special trip for toys shopping. For any other occasions in a shopping mall, I let kids know ahead of time that there will no purchasing of any toys and I also exercise personal discipline not to buy anything for myself.

Finally, I define clear boundaries about what decisions my children are allowed to make and what they are not allowed to make. Areas which my children do not have decision-making power are things like furniture, holidays, number of hours spent on play or tv, specific food choices, etc. Kids need boundaries about what's within their control and what is not. I define clearly what areas my children have a voice to influence their parents' decision, which areas they have full control in making a decision and finally which areas they have absolutely no say in. What I've discovered in using this approach is that my children knows when they can negotiate with me and when they would not even attempt to negotiate. It prevents many energy-wasting arguments which I've found some of friends experience with their children because their kids negotiate for everything or pester their parents for everything.

jedamum:

Mdm Koh:

I lived in a rented flat with no bedroom and a dimly lit corridor. Nowadays, many parents and children have not even seen those 一房半厅 flats before. However, they're still around and those who live there are mostly old folks or lower income families, many of whom are Malay or Indian.

I guess although we were poor, I was still doted on in some ways, hence the two Barbie dolls.

:celebrate:
i still dream of those flats...
memory is that it was still pretty much more spacious than our current 4rm flat

Mdm Koh:

I lived in a rented flat with no bedroom and a dimly lit corridor. Nowadays, many parents and children have not even seen those 一房半厅 flats before. However, they're still around and those who live there are mostly old folks or lower income families, many of whom are Malay or Indian.

I guess although we were poor, I was still doted on in some ways, hence the two Barbie dolls.

jedamum:

Mdm Koh:

My family was poor too. I had some cheap masak-masak toys, one Lego set and two Barbie dolls. That was it. My books collection was made up of hand-me-downs, books that relatives bought me at Christmas and prizes that I had won in school.

haha...mdm koh...being able to own lego and barbie set is a different degree of 'poor' la. for us, while other classmates brought barbie dolls to school, i owned a cheap plastic doll that costs less than $2 as a reward for my SA2 results. the difference is that all the clothings are sewn by my mum which makes it one of a kind doll that my classmates yearn. my allowance was 10-20c, but the difference is that i had homemade cakes/kways which even my teacher liked . all our toys were savaged from piles that were left behind when neighbours from our rental block shifted out. occasionally, my dad would bring us some toys which his colleague passed to him or he 'found' somewhere (obviously used toys with some broken parts). for some reasons, i had no easy access to books except sch textbooks. i had to be a school/class librarian to get the chance to be nearer to non-academic books.

hm...but can we say how much we indulged in our kids are dependent on our childhood experiences? i guess yes. i have siblings and while we had similar childhood background, the experience we grew up with were different. we now have very different principles on indulgence for our children no matter the type of income. the primary reason in such differences is the practice of favouritism during childhood and very much one's own personality.

i don't think i indulge my children with much material gains. my ds1's dream of an ideal outing is a trip to the Stationery store (or daiso ). however, we still do indulge our children by spending having more frequent meal outings which the children enjoys.

Mdm Koh:

My family was poor too. I had some cheap masak-masak toys, one Lego set and two Barbie dolls. That was it. My books collection was made up of hand-me-downs, books that relatives bought me at Christmas and prizes that I had won in school.

pinkysymphony:

Hi everyone, my first post here. My friends just became parents and while choosing a gift I remembered something that has been bothering me for a while.

My parents seldom got me things I wanted when I was young because they were afraid of spoiling me. When I grew up and had the means to get the things I wanted as a child… I couldn’t enjoy it anymore because I was too old for it. There are just some things that you can only enjoy in your childhood.
So, what do you all think of indulging your child? How much is too much? When I become a parent I don’t want to make the mistake but I don’t want to spoil my child either.

pinkysymphony:

Hi everyone, my first post here. My friends just became parents and while choosing a gift I remembered something that has been bothering me for a while.

My parents seldom got me things I wanted when I was young because they were afraid of spoiling me. When I grew up and had the means to get the things I wanted as a child… I couldn’t enjoy it anymore because I was too old for it. There are just some things that you can only enjoy in your childhood.
So, what do you all think of indulging your child? How much is too much? When I become a parent I don’t want to make the mistake but I don’t want to spoil my child either.