susu2626:

susu2626:

Chenonceau & Insider, thanks for your write up. Its take 2 hands to clap to listen to one another to have a better understanding and healthy discussion.

I will tried to bring her out during the school holidays and see how to have a chance to ask her all these questions (right environment do play a part!). Then I will speak again. Episode Two to be continue.....

Hi Chenonceau & Insider,
Taken a trip with my DD and family...have a lengthy talk with her.
i also got some feedback from other moms too on their child coming home late. My DD had told me she will tried her best to come home bf 10pm if anything (eg bus late,,) then she will pm me. :imsorry:

susu2626:

Chenonceau & Insider, thanks for your write up. Its take 2 hands to clap to listen to one another to have a better understanding and healthy discussion.

I will tried to bring her out during the school holidays and see how to have a chance to ask her all these questions (right environment do play a part!). Then I will speak again. Episode Two to be continue.....

insider:

jtoh:

I personally think 10pm is rather late for a teenaged girl to be out on a regular basis. If it's the occasional class party I don't mind. But for those late nights out, I want to pick her up from wherever she is, and not let her come home by herself.

Share with you about my current 19 years old super guai girl.

From 13 years old onwards, she has a curfew of 10 pm for Saturdays (only). She will make use of it when around 15 years old for almost every Saturday but she would never break her curfew. If she didn't go out on Saturday nights, I got kind of 'worry' coz teenagers should have some 'life'! Actually I expect her to be out on Saturday nights instead of cooping herself at home. I really fear she turns to be a nerd...

Think this may have something to do with my personal teenage experiences when I started partying at around age 15 (real party that ran into past midnight) and I constantly would lie to my parents about my whereabout. Life was so fun after schoolwork...(don't get me wrong. I was as studious as any parent can get their child to be when I was in my teenage years but it was just that I also enjoyed partying, even till now. I know hard schoolwork and hard partying can co-exist if the mindset is right. kekeke...)

insider:

There are many things that we know and we use but many times, I find it is difficult for parents to duplicate coz using these things require some experience and also require someone to have a certain 'strength' and temperament in order for them to be implemented successfully - that's my deep thought.

insider:

Many insurance agents been through coaching training before but not many of them can make use of it effectively (quite similar to Adam Khoo rarara coaching of kids that most kids will throw it out after a while). I believe you agree with this.

insider:

There are very few successful commercial coaches around though we can see quite many advertisement by these coaches to 'improve one's life'. A coach must meet a 'willing' party in order for sessions to run smoothly (similar to counselling whereby the party being counselled must be a willing party).

insider:

Therefore, my advice of Susu must be able to be 'natural' in order to engage her daughter meaningfully with those coaching questions. Taking that she is inexperienced with it and with an unknown 'grade' in her relationship between herself and her daughter, her coaching session may fail miserably if the daughter 'up her antenna' which may then push her further into her own 'defensive shell'. If Susu were to meet defensive replies, she needs to keep her cool instead of feeling agitated coz she has to reflect it's not that those questions are not working but perhaps her tone and body language are not right. This ability to keep cool is an essential quality for any coach and so if one is not a patient and calm one, she can never become a good coach.

insider:

Coaching can start from young but of course will be bite size questioning. All should practise them as and when the opportunity arises to develop it into a habit.

Just two days ago my P2 told me he has a new classmate in his student care class. Through the table talk, I realised nobody was playing with this girl. So the question I posted was, \"What do you think the girl would feel?\" / \"Do you remember how you felt on your first day of your Judo class?\". So he recalled and replied and concluded that he should make friend with that girl the next day. Then I concluded my side by saying the girl must be very happy to feel welcomed in the class.

Most of my conversations with all the preschoolers and my kids are along this line whereby no answers are given and they have to conclude themselves. I notice as my kids grow, they do not require such kind of 'questioning' much anymore coz they can start the 'internal dialogues' themselves and derive their own answers when facing situations.

insider:

Parents, try to make good use of your child's first 12 years and build strong bonds with them coz if you miss this window period, the bonding will become much more difficult when they hit their teenage years.

insider:

Those technique shared by Chenonceau are good PROVIDED you know how to use them correctly and effectively and in a way, have to be 'natural' else your daughter may shun you coz think you 'tricky and hypocrite' (hahaha...kids...at this age they are sensitive and so when you ask questions, their antenna maybe up and suspect 'what's up in your sleeves' and offer answer 'more carefully', meaning just saying what they think you want to hear instead of really thinking and telling you what they thought). So a word of caution here is to prevent the pitfall of 画虎不成反成犬 (intend to draw a tiger but at the end drew a dog). This coaching technique ideally should be used when the kids are real small coz those questions make them think and process the answer that one wants and if start young, can develop into a natural thinking process for them.

insider:

susu2626:

My DD did quite good for all her subjects\"A\"s except for the languages which is bit shaky. You are quite right that it may be a bit late to build trust but I believe it may just take a bit of time to do so.

The only time I get to talk to them is during our dinner time.
How about you? May I ask how you actually spend time with them?

Other than block of holidays that we spent together when they were younger, think the only quality time that I have spent with my two elder kids (I leave the 8 years old aside first coz he lost part of the 'history' of his siblings but more or less be raised in a similar way) is during dinner time which is about an hour a day.

Once they reached about 15 years, they are no longer interested to go holidays with me most of the time and I can only bring my younger son to those places that Kor Kor and Jie Jie been before. I respect that coz it is boring for them to go theme parks / 'childish places' anymore.

Nowadays, we holiday separately with elder son going more to diving trips / mountain climbing (he has Tibet in his planning), Jie Jie more to Korea/Japan/HK, and young son to Club Med/theme park countries. Each of us only has a limited number of free days and each has to do the best for those days. I have never thought of must always travelled as a family unless it is a real novel one like the African Safari that has been constantly in my planning. These 'independent traveling plans' require a lot of trust between us.

For the first about seven years, I cooked and did all housework with / for them (that time without maid).

For the first 16 years, we had dinner almost every night together, except for Saturdays which is a MUMMY DAY where I will go and play mahjong with my best friends.

During dinner time, we would have all kinds of table talks with all sorts of topics. Usually small issues are also settled during dinner time (coz dinner time must be 'amicable' (house rule) and so everyone has to talk 'nicely' and so the questioning and answering usually will not turn confrontational or defensive). Topics include daily happenings, visits to/of grandparents/relatives, social / political events, health (sex/menustration/masturbation/etc), school / work issues, jokes, etc. Any conversations / discussions that need to be done only in my bedroom are usually on more matter-of-the-heart / more serious issues that require only one-to-one time (brother and sister also will have such time between them pertaining to their own teenage matters such as hairstyles/dressings/pimpers/beauty care products, etc).

I am constantly aware about the stimulus-response thing that will form a child's perception of me and so my response to even very big issues that sometimes they may bring up usually is a relatively 'flat' one and we are able to discuss objectively and calmly. That is one of the reasons why my son ever told me, \"With mum around, all problems are not problems.\"

With trust, it doesn't mean that your child will not have a life of her own. She still needs to develop into who she is. It is with trust that your child can possibly has a life / mind of her own earlier which to me the earlier the better. With trust, in whatever she does (should she one day wants to experiment with something that she knows is against your teaching), she (and my playful elder son too) will weigh and consider more of the trust that you have given her. In the event they choose to go according to their hearts, then to me its still fine coz they have to learn their way even sometimes the consequences can be painful.

Think the main problem of many parents is we want our kids to make the least mistakes but that has NEVER been my way of parenting. What an EMPTY life it is if one has always been right in his / her life? Where got fun??? My mentality, \"Being too right may become wrong.\"

My elder son likes to mimic Simba in a mischievious way, \"Danger? Hah! I walk on the wild side. I laugh in the face of danger.\"

PS:
Now my 8 years old can participate more in our table talks. A small table talk that took place a few days back.

8 years old asked during dinner time, \"Mum, do you know a man can marry a man?\"

I said, \"Ya, I am aware. Where did you learn it from?\"

He asked, \"I read from that book. I thought man can only marry woman?\"

I replied, \"That should be the way but then some men were born differently from the usual men and so they may choose to marry their own kind.\"

He asked, \"Can a man get pregnant?\"

I replied, \"No, only a woman can get pregnant.\"

He asked, \"Then can a woman marry a woman?\"

I replied, \"Yes.\"

He asked, \"Then a woman can get prengant!\"

Before I could reply, he said, \"Oh, cannot cannot. A woman doesn't have sperm!\"

All sitting at the dinner table laughed.

Chenonceau:

Type of Questions to Ask


Not all questions are created equal, the questions you ask in coaching are of 2 types.

(1) Focus questions
(2) Conclusion questions

Focus questions are those that are designed to focus attention on facts and detail. For example, if I want my son to look at the tennis ball as it flies across the net, I don't shout \"Look at the tennis ball\". I ask \"How far in cm above the net was the tennis ball flying?\" To answer my question, my son would have to look at the tennis ball.

If you want your DD to pay attention to the dark surroundings on the way home, ask her to look out for, and tell you where a perpetrator MIGHT hide. To answer your question, she will need to pay attention to some relevant facts and details.

As you ask question after question, then the body of facts and details build up, and it is a matter of time where she might change her mind (or you might change yours).

Concluding questions are easy. They sometimes need no asking. But a concluding question looks something like \"What do you think is the best way forward?\" \"How shall we take it from here?\" \"What can Mommy do to keep you safe?\" \"What will you be doing to keep yourself safe so that Mommy doesn't worry for you?\"

I have used these questions on my Mothers-in-Law... my Husband... and my Boss. People who don't think they should listen to you because they're supposed to be smarter and wiser. Just like our teens. :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

All the best to you Susu! You're a great Mommy and your DD is a lucky gal.