Dealing with a Negative Child

Reply to Dealing with a Negative Child on Wed, 19 Sep 2012 10:34:35 GMT

verygeksim — Wed, 19 Sep 2012 10:34:35 GMT

dear mums,

thank you for all the encouragement and advice.

i thought things picked up in term 2 esp during the holidays. we spread out the school homework in the mornings and had plenty of fun in the afternoons. unfortunately, things changed very quickly in term 3.

the helper was repatriated suddenly (after much drama) and i was managing household chores and kids. unfortunately, my temper became very bad.

the girl received many "pay attention!! please see me!!" from teacher (mainly due to carelessness or did not pay attention) and increasingly she became:
1) even more defiant and challenges me all the time
2) started showing "attitude" ie eye rolling and long cold stares with long slow blinks
3) telling lies
4) keeps telling me "Don’t be rude!" - I am giving her instructions firmly.

i try persuasion and reasoning - Doesn’t work. i tolerate/ ignore her taunting, tell her to stop…but she goes on and on and on. until i explode and cane her (instead of discipline… it is full blown anger).

i feel helpless.

she is reached new limits of SLOOOOW…

Reply to Dealing with a Negative Child on Wed, 15 Aug 2012 01:26:15 GMT

Mychildren — Wed, 15 Aug 2012 01:26:15 GMT

verygeksim,

Forget to add. Make sure your DD is not deprived of sleep and food.
This is because we adults also gets angry easily when we are tired and hungry.

Hope what is written can helps you a little.

Reply to Dealing with a Negative Child on Tue, 14 Aug 2012 15:40:57 GMT

Lshawn — Tue, 14 Aug 2012 15:40:57 GMT

best to leave to an expert.

Reply to Dealing with a Negative Child on Tue, 14 Aug 2012 15:36:40 GMT

Mychildren — Tue, 14 Aug 2012 15:36:40 GMT

Now, my son apologised to me after he throw tantrums. A good sign, knows that he is wrong.

He also just told me,\"After you teach me how to do this, you can have your own time.\" He knows I've no time to myself since busy with him.
:roll:

Before that, he asked me for evidence that I don't need my parents to nag at me to do homework, I'm auto mode. Told him to verify with my mother and showed him my primary school report card during the year I got 1st in class, also showed him the scholarship I got during my school day. I kept all these. :imanangel:

He told me he's trying to control his temper. I find that he at least understand what I said after telling him and reminding him why he need to study and learn and do homework. He even questioned me why he still need to do workings for Math when he could get correct without workings. I had explained many many times, think now it start to work.

So parents don't give up hope! There's still a long, long way to go. Do recharge if necessary so that we can have the stamina.

Reply to Dealing with a Negative Child on Tue, 14 Aug 2012 15:25:27 GMT

Mychildren — Tue, 14 Aug 2012 15:25:27 GMT

verygeksim:
I have a P1 kid at home and she is increasingly whiny and complains a lot when she has to complete school homework.

In fact, she can spend 67%-75% complaining and the balance time completing the work (she knows it but complains).

Your DD has the same problem as mine but he happened to have it only from p3 onwards, p2 not so obvious. Maybe the school homework increases.

She is hoping for me to give her the answer (I refuse and guide her along or give alternative examples) or she wants me to complete the work for her (normally massive amount of coloring for art! *teacher wants kids to colour entire art block using color pencil with no white spaces!* :stompfeet:

Think she might not like colouring.

We end up yelling at each other and i wave my cane around like crazed woman. :mad:

Break down the time to finish time consuming tasks like having some breaks or play in between.

It tires her out completely, it totally wears me down and gives her the impression that she has A LOT OF work, when actually, she can complete it in good time.

A lot of children are like that. Don't worry. Explain to her, maybe a thousand times to get it into her head. The time spend in whining could have become play time for her.

The whining/ complaining seems to have worsened considerably after I stopped work because the intention is to spend more time with the children but the rate the elder one is going, relationship will breakdown soon! plus i spend so much time \"counselling\" her, i have no time for the little one.

Do let her have some private time of her own. She can spend the time doing what she likes even daydreaming, doing nothing at all.
Any ideas/ suggestions how to deal with a \"negative\" child?

I am very gek sim because I know she has the ability to complete quickly yet she agonizes/ complains/ whines. :gloomy:

Am at wit's end because this is far from what i envisaged when i stopped work (big hit to family finances).

What else can I do to:
1) Correct behaviour?
2) Mend mother-daughter r/p?

I wonder if I should find a job again and just pay for a tutor... ... but really wanted to help her myself and not outsource at such an early stage but she is SO RESISTENT. :imdrowning:

Think best you help her yourself. Yes, in fact, need to think when spending when there's only one source of income. If you get tutor, still cannot work out, you'll be the best person then.

See my point of view in blue. I was very on when he is p1 & 2. Now I loosen up when he showed up all those negative behaviour. Study I put it aside but at least he must be around 80% and I don't bother him much. I more towards his attitude, yes, PATIENT on our side is very important and learn to forgive them too and coach them at the same time.
Do find some ways to relax yourself, move away for some time to let yourself cool down before you talk to her again. Every child uses different methods at different time since all are unique. Even I trying to figure what he is thinking and every time I do try a different method to see what works out for my son.
Don't give up. Its not an easy job but I believe with patience and wisdom, we can do it. Never, never give up! Give her a treat sometime or visit some places that she likes to go. Doing fun things together, bonding. Both of you need time to relax & play too!

Reply to Dealing with a Negative Child on Tue, 14 Aug 2012 10:51:11 GMT

mummy so kiasu — Tue, 14 Aug 2012 10:51:11 GMT

Maxine:
verygeksim I also same boat. My going P1 in 2013 kid is super whiny and likes to whine and whine also. And her volume also can turn up higher and higher. Even as a baby when I first give birth to her she cry only can hear her from the nursery on the other side of the room past their baby room, through to my closed door!So you can imagine her radio maximum volume. SO when she whine and cries at same time, its enough to drive me :mad:

Do work also whine, don let her watch tv also whine, eat slow and scold her also whine. Aiyo :stupid: Tried everything from hard approach (scold & whack - whine/cry louder) to soft approach (no scolding but explain nicely- climb all over my head) dont work also. So what I do now is when she starts whining be it over homework or even getting dressed I will tell her ok I will leave you alone. When you are finished whining then you tell me when you are interested and ready to do it then I come back. The sudden lack of

attention or interest will jolt her and make her realise Oops. Mom's not interested and this will make her go into a flurry of panic. and when she is done whining or crying she will call out \"Mama I am ready now\". It does help a little and although she still whines but its not as bad as it used to be when I can tear my hair out !

Maybe you give this a try. Kids like that. once they know you don pay attention to them they panic and they will do anything from screaming to yelling to get you back. If they realise all these don work except if they do as you say, then they will do it. Its not easy cos there is a lot of whining and crying grating on your nerves in the beginning but you must persevere and not let them win. We are adults the parents - cannot let them win and manage us. We manage them ! :rahrah:

:goodpost: They just try to get your attention. If they received your attention, it means it works. Most probably, they will do it again whenever they want your attention. The best way is to leave them alone.

Reply to Dealing with a Negative Child on Wed, 01 Aug 2012 02:20:14 GMT

mummy so kiasu — Wed, 01 Aug 2012 02:20:14 GMT

I think partially she is trying to get your attention & partially she does not like to do homework. I also have a P1 girl, just like you. I also having difficulties getting my girl to do her homework & learning her spelling & dictation. She studies in the afternoon session & come back home at 7.30pm. It is normal for me to stay up late with her till 11.30pm every night. We went to bed at 12.30am last night.

No matter how little homework she has, she will take very long to complete. She is a slow worker & gets distracted easily as well as taking lots of break in between. I have stop chasing her around. I just tell her that she has to finish all your homework before she can sleep. No matter how sleepy she is, she is not allow to go to bed & I stay up late with her. What to do, all kids are different.

If you are thinking of getting back to work. You have to leave your older one in student care centre & younger one in child care centre. Maybe you should discuss it with your husband.

Reply to Dealing with a Negative Child on Wed, 01 Aug 2012 00:34:15 GMT

BraisedPorkBelly — Wed, 01 Aug 2012 00:34:15 GMT

Hi verygeksim,

For the whinning issue, hang in there… you will see the light soon. My girl was like that too when she started P1 last yr. We pressed on with the routine of making her complete her work. Now she is into P2, we noticed her stamina has very much improved. She no longer whine as much. However we too noticed if we soft hearted & skipped a few days of work, her whinning will start again. Hehehe so no choice have to do consistently lor.

As for the talking back, I’ve made a pack with my husband to defend each other when such incidents happens. E.g. if my girl talks back or shout at me, my husband will jump in to tell her that this is not respectful & blah blah all the good things which I have done for her/family. Likewise if I spot her being disrespectful to her daddy, I will tell her off too.

Reply to Dealing with a Negative Child on Fri, 27 Jul 2012 10:16:59 GMT

fable — Fri, 27 Jul 2012 10:16:59 GMT

My P1 ds sometime gets very defensive when I spot a mistake he's made. What I do is focus on a benefit to him, e.g. if there is a mistake, he will have to do corrections, so I might remind him to check his work, and if he still doesn't spot it, then I ask if he would like me to run through it with him. Sometimes he'll say no, and I'll say ok then, and let him hand it in. When it comes back with corrections, I'll ask if he didn't know the answer or it was a careless mistake (its almost always a careless mistake!). If its the latter, then I'll just sympathise and say \"too bad you didn't catch the mistakes when you checked, then you wouldn't have to do these corrections. Would you like me to double check the next homework assignment?\" The challenge after that is to help them learn to check properly, rather than checking it for them, coz then i found he would just wait to be told what was wrong, which also frustrated me! I tell myself that its a marathon, not a sprint.

Jade, is the book you were referring to Nutureshock by Po Bronson? I thought the book was an interesting read and agreed with a lot of the stuff he said. Found a youtube clip on the topic. Love the diff between Western and Hong Kong moms [youtube=]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xs9fddMg71o[/youtube]

Reply to Dealing with a Negative Child on Fri, 27 Jul 2012 07:38:16 GMT

cjlim — Fri, 27 Jul 2012 07:38:16 GMT

Mums, jia you! :lovesite:

Reply to Dealing with a Negative Child on Tue, 17 Apr 2012 04:17:32 GMT

cfan — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 04:17:32 GMT

Hi

I don’t know whether the following would help,

So far along my parenting journey I have learnt never to compare my kids with other children. I have learnt to show them unconditional love and concern. I have learnt to ask them "What fun did you have at school today?" instead of "How many marks did you do for your lessons?" If your mindset is changed to just want to help them achieve the best they could with whatever abilities you can/have, I hope that they will "feel" your sincerity and together you can "go farther with your child"

Hope this helps. Jia You!!

Reply to Dealing with a Negative Child on Tue, 17 Apr 2012 03:20:17 GMT

verygeksim — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 03:20:17 GMT

Jade:
verygeksim:
hi jean

\"fast is slow and slow is fast\" is certainly something I have to mull over.

I thought the book you mentioned was a title by Dr Louise Porter but I realised that the author you mentioned is a He. Could you share the title of the book you're referring to, please?
Hi verygeksim

U hv PM! Btw I m Jade through n through. Not Jean...u must be really very Gek sim until..... :slapshead:

Good grief!!! I made the same mistake again!!!! aiyoh. sorry!!

and yes, received the PM. Thank you!

Reply to Dealing with a Negative Child on Fri, 13 Apr 2012 10:56:19 GMT

autumnbronze — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 10:56:19 GMT

Hi Jade,

Received your PM

:thankyou:

Reply to Dealing with a Negative Child on Fri, 13 Apr 2012 10:55:41 GMT

autumnbronze — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 10:55:41 GMT

toddles:

I also read a book \"if i have to tell you one more time\" that discourages praise and encourages affirmation because the former is dependent on the \"praiser\".

e.g.
Praise: I'm so proud of you (child becomes addicted to pleasing parent at all costs)
Affirmation: You must be so proud of how you've done that. (focuses on child)

Praise: Good girl! (why is she good? what in particular is good? am i bad, if you don't call me good?)
Affirmation: You were really helpful in doing that for your sister. (focuses on
the behaviour).

Of course, I take the advice with a pinch of salt, cos sometimes I just want to say \"I'm so proud of you!\" because I am. But not to say it so often that their self-worth is caught up in what mama thinks of them. And instead of
\"good girl!\" I say \" that's really good behaviour!\" and never say \"you've been a bad girl\", but say \"that's bad behaviour\".

Hi Toddles,

Thank you for sharing these useful tips :hugs:

Reply to Dealing with a Negative Child on Fri, 13 Apr 2012 10:44:49 GMT

Jade — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 10:44:49 GMT

verygeksim:
hi jean

\"fast is slow and slow is fast\" is certainly something I have to mull over.

I thought the book you mentioned was a title by Dr Louise Porter but I realised that the author you mentioned is a He. Could you share the title of the book you're referring to, please?

Hi verygeksim

U hv PM! Btw I m Jade through n through. Not Jean...u must be really very Gek sim until..... :slapshead:

Reply to Dealing with a Negative Child on Fri, 13 Apr 2012 08:03:04 GMT

verygeksim — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 08:03:04 GMT

hi jean

"fast is slow and slow is fast" is certainly something I have to mull over.

I thought the book you mentioned was a title by Dr Louise Porter but I realised that the author you mentioned is a He. Could you share the title of the book you’re referring to, please?

Reply to Dealing with a Negative Child on Fri, 13 Apr 2012 07:47:12 GMT

verygeksim — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 07:47:12 GMT

oh yes, and thank you Jennifer too.

Jean, Jade and Jennifer posted consecutively … J J J… got a bit confused.

Reply to Dealing with a Negative Child on Fri, 13 Apr 2012 06:40:26 GMT

toddles — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 06:40:26 GMT

verygeksim:
hi jean, bean bear, toddles and cherrygal

thank you much for your advice and encouragement.

You're welcome!

If u feel comfortable, maybe can share with us what it was in the past that kinda damaged the rlp?

Reply to Dealing with a Negative Child on Fri, 13 Apr 2012 05:44:58 GMT

Breadandmuffins — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 05:44:58 GMT

Hi Jade

I find yr posts really helpful to me too. Could u also give an example of how verygeksim’s conversation with her DD should be when she was trying to point out her mistakes? Very often, I find the parenting books giving advice which I find hard to put into action.

Thank you.

Reply to Dealing with a Negative Child on Fri, 13 Apr 2012 05:27:06 GMT

Jade — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 05:27:06 GMT

There are gems of wisdom from the various parents posts here. Sometimes(or rather most of the time), when dealing with people n relationships, "fast is slow, and slow is fast". I hope u will give some thots to this n work on mending the relationship first. Take a step back for the time being when it comes to checking your DD’s work. All the best.

Reply to Dealing with a Negative Child on Fri, 13 Apr 2012 03:57:44 GMT

verygeksim — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 03:57:44 GMT

verygeksim:
Hi jean

Thank you for the advice. I will be looking out for the book.

When it comes to checking work done, how do I provide feedback as opposed to criticism (yes, my girl probably sees it that way)?

She does her homework on her own and I come in to go through it. I don't always correct her errors although I am ParticulAr about neatness.

On that day, I wanted to show her how to gO about checking her own work. Err... But it didn't turn out well...

Oopsie. :oops: This should be addressed to Jade. Paiseh, paiseh.

Reply to Dealing with a Negative Child on Fri, 13 Apr 2012 03:47:00 GMT

verygeksim — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 03:47:00 GMT

hi jean, bean bear, toddles and cherrygal

thank you much for your advice and encouragement.

Reply to Dealing with a Negative Child on Fri, 13 Apr 2012 02:38:52 GMT

cherrygal — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 02:38:52 GMT

DS (the eldest) used to object violently when I tried to coach him in his work. He only softened when I took the reverse psychology - "OK, then never mind, don’t listen to me then…"

It is only when I "refused" to coach him that he would say he wanted to learn… weird but true. Sometimes we need to go the other way instead of having a head-on collision.

And when I spot mistakes in his work occasionally, I tell him in a joking manner… A bit of candour and patience helps. In fact, I only check that he has done the homework. If he says yes, I leave it at that.

Verygeksim, if your DD is very defensive against you spotting her mistakes, then don’t check her work line by line any more. Just check with her that all homework has been completed and TRUST her. In fact, teachers dun want parents to correct their kids’ work as they want the kid to learn through the mistakes.

With young children nowadays, we must be careful not to step on their pride and self-confidence while pointing out their mistakes. These children are getting too sensitive with our protective parenting ways I guess.

Reply to Dealing with a Negative Child on Fri, 13 Apr 2012 01:14:57 GMT

fightingmom — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 01:14:57 GMT

LittleLambie:
Jade:

hi Autunnbronze, Sun_2010

You've got PM.

Jade
Hi Jade, I am interested in that book too. Can you PM me the title too?

Hi Jade, I am keen in the book that you mentioned. Can you PM me ?

TIA