My parents slept apart as well. At first it was because my mom needed to take care of my brother. They ended up taking the master bedroom, my dad had one room, and I had another.

I moved out of the family home at 21 — either my brother or mom took over that room. When they shifted homes thereafter, they maintained separate rooms.

I guess sometimes it’s not an issue for a couple, if both parties are in sync. There are many ways to care for each other. But if one person feels it’s a problem, it’s probably healthier to have a discussion.

Was just remarking to gfs that some of these modern terms could be read as trying to downplay the importance of marriage, e.g. work wife/husband and so on.

But back to sleep: Yes I increasingly hear of couples sleeping in separate rooms, for a better night’s rest! We’re in a 4rm HDB and don’t have that option

Chemistry - yes. We have some similar interests (and some very dissimilar), same religious beliefs, and we were just comfortable with each other.

Choosing wisely - yes. I was smart enough at 19 to realise that character mattered more than looks or wealth, and I liked that my husband treated all women in his life with consideration and courtesy - including other girls our age (I refused to be the jealous type). I reckoned that if he could treat ordinary friends that way, he would be unlikely to treat me worse that that even after years together. And so far, I’ve been proven right! This was one of the most important pieces of advice I gave to my girls. I have one son-in-law now, and he’s a good guy.

Hard work - yes. I feel that anything worth having will entail work. Even hobbies require effort, and studies, work, sports, dance or whatever all involve discipline and effort. So does marriage - making time to talk, discuss decisions involving life goals, kids etc, do things together, doing things we may not be particularly keen to do, or giving each other time and space to do something that doesn’t involve the other (I mentioned dissimilar interests!).

One more thing about marriage being hard work - I think many go into marriage mainly for the “happy ever after” for themselves, not considering that the other party may well think the same. When 2 people get together with the main aim of pleasing themselves, the marriage is likely to struggle. For a marriage to survive, I think each party needs to go in with the attitude of making the other happy, being supportive etc. Not that they become a slave and accept poor treatment, but if both determine to act in love and support for the other, the marriage will work well.

I also feel that pre-marital counselling is important. I don’t know what is done outside churches, but we were required to take a personality test to alert us to potential areas of conflict to watch out for, and also had sessions to discuss issues like communication styles, finances, in-laws, having (or not having) children etc. Better before marriage than after!

Do you credit this more to good chemistry, choosing your partner wisely, or really making the effort to communicate well? Sometimes we see a lot of social media posts saying that if it feels like too much hard work, it’s probably also not the right match. Wondering what you feel, and how you’ve advised your kids?

My husband and I also tend to DIY - we’re on the same page on many things, so the issues have been few. I think the main thing is for each partner to start from the premise that both are hoping to work things out, and not use talk-it-out sessions as a way to place blame on the other.

https://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/article/divorce-in-singapore-can-this-be-avoided-can-relationship-counselling-help

It’s more for couples who find themselves in a season where they’re constantly at war. For those of us who’ve had long-term partnerships, we might know what this is like!

The article also addresses coaching and counselling for couples. Wondering who has tried this?

In the dating years, my husband and I did try some counselling sessions. Due to cost, it was probably with a social services organisation. Counsellors have different approaches, personalities, and skill levels. Sometimes they also have an agenda/goal — e.g. if you go to a counsellor at a Catholic organisation, sessions will likely be geared towards repairing the relationship rather than an amicable split.

For those who’re not familiar with therapy, there might be the tendency to treat it like a miracle pill. But since it’s a very human process, depending on the conversation and questions asked, a person can emerge feeling that they were not fully listened to, or that the counsellor was siding with the other party. I have a specialist dip in counselling and am currently doing another in career counselling; some of my lecturers do come across as being effective counsellors/coaches.

All this being said, after marriage and kids, I think my husband and I are more the “try to fix it ourselves” types!

I didn’t grow up with a family that showed a lot of physical affection, but with friends (and also because I moved out of home to live independently very early), I learned to be more affectionate and became more used to that. My husband is also the same as me — within our family unit now, we’re quite comfortable with showing affection and saying “I love you” to kids, etc.

I’m a Gen-Xer (in my 40s), and my husband and I feel like it’s only natural/expected for couples to sleep in the same room. But I have heard from millennial friends that they have opted to have separate rooms, for better sleep and other reasons. We don’t have the space to consider this, but anyway we find this to be quite a foreign concept haha!

I suppose it’s human nature to always question our current state! Due to my career switch efforts over the last few years, my friend network has expanded to include more 30-something millennials and Gen Zs. They’re all at different stages, from not caring about finding love to using the apps (with and without success), and there are also those who’ve divorced, been cheated on, or are super focused on making sure their marriages are healthy. I guess those who are still looking for love will wonder why there’s a need to “graduate” from marriage!

@rinsider I meet my wife when I was in my 40s , we do hold hands for the first year and after getting married and our first child we stop doing that. Occasionally, she’ll hold on to my upper arm but only for a short while as I can feel it’s a bit uncomfortable for both of us. Been almost 20 years now with 3 children and that feeling hasn’t changed. Frankly, I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I’m 20 years her senior

Why don’t you ask her? It may be nothing to do with the age difference. There are a lot of reasons why holding hands is not convenient or comfortable - in SG, it’s hot! And with kids, I generally had lots to carry, little hands to hold, etc. Although my husband and I are now kids-free, and we have reverted to holding hands, it’s usually not for very long at a time! Sweaty hands, narrow pavements, carrying stuff, etc.

The reality is that most of us are not great communicators, especially during disagreements. But if we have enough good feelings that come from elsewhere, be it hanging out together or doing nice things for each other, those “deposits” can outweigh the negative interactions.

This is an article that I refer to from time to time, when needed! I’ve also recommended it to friends, and even to my aunt who got married later in life (in her 40s):

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/

My husband attended his JC reunion a couple of days back, where this question was asked: Do you still hold your partner’s hand?

It’s a “yes” for me and my husband. But according to my husband, the more common answer was no

Curious to hear from others too!

Cal (my partner) and I still hold hands, until mine gets too sweaty! Ha!

I think everything evolves, it’s intuition and the quiet moments that matter more these days. Like, not forcing each other to speak when you know they need their space until they are comfortable to talk. Or the comfortable silent moments when both just do their thing without constant checking-ins, but being aware of each other’s presence.

Sometimes, a partner needs personal breathing space but it could be misconstrued as alienation or coldness when it’s actually not.

Altho it seems females bring up their concerns here, these emotions do actually apply to men as well, just they don’t know how or where to express it where they don’t feel misjudged. And they are conscious when they do. So when they do express their feelings to you, try to understand and embrace them a little. Or… Give them space!