ChiefKiasu:

I agree. I think we can all see the problem you are facing, and no one wants to be guilty of providing advice that could end a marriage, no matter how dysfunctional.

applecrisp:

Dear everyone,


I had previously posted this in another forum in oct 2011, but did not get a solution to my issue. Hope to get some kind advice from this forum since there are more mummies and daddies here.

I have been married for more than 5 years and have 2 young kids. Hubby likes to drink and only come home at 2-3am in the morning. This happens at least once a week and has been recurring for the last 2 years. Initially, i got very upset and would alway quarrel with him over his behaviour. I simply could not understand why he needed to drink so often (at least twice a week) and staying out till wee hours (at least once a week). I often feared he would get into a car accident (yes, he would still drive home after the drinks) or worse still, knock someone. i worry about his health from the constant drinking.

His rationale was for networking, destressing, etc etc.

I tolerated and decided not to quarrel with him anymore as we just could not see each other's point. In oct, he came back at 3.30am. I began to wonder if he was having an affair outside. i emailed him as i knew we would end up quarreling if i asked him straight in the face. He didnt reply me.

Hubby cares about the kids but does not particularly like to play with them I feel. Eg when he comes home early (say once or twice a week), he would be stuck in his pc or watching tv. He doesn't read to the kids, claiming i am better at languages. Neither does he play much with them, as my girls are into girly stuff like barbie dolls and play pretend stuff.

On one hand, i know hubby is a good man and after knowing him so many years, i certainly hope he is still faithful to our marriage. On the other hand, i really cannot comprehend why he has to stay out so late so often. Does this happen to you or your husband? Am i being paronoid and overly sensitive?

in early 2012, hubby again drank till wee hours and got into a car accident. the car was in a bad shape but luckily no one was hurt. We didnt have a car for couple of months so in that 2-3 months, while hubby still drank (a bit lesser i think) he would take cab home. i thought and hoped he learnt his lesson after this incident. We recently got the car back and last night, he came home at 430am! i quarreled with him when he came home and he said he paid for someone to drive him back.

Some kind forumers had asked me to have a good talk with him. but what else to say? i have already told him i dont like him to drink and drive and come home so late, but he is still doing it. his reason is always the same - need to network, de-stress, male bonding etc etc. does it mean if both of us cannot see eye-to-eye in this matter, it's either i live with it for the rest of my life, or i leave him?? i feel very depressed, knowing that my dad, male colleagues or bosses are not like that. how did i end up with a hubby who comes home at 4-5am?? sure, if even if you want to drink to destress or network, if you start at drinking after 7pm, should finish by midnight? Do the pubs really open on weekday nights till 4-5am?

I am totally helpless now on next steps. Appreciate some kind advice. Thank you.

applecrisp:

Hey everyone,


Sadly, I am back to seek advice. Need to find strength to make a decision. So since I've started this thread in 2012, the late night drinking issue is pretty much still in existence. Except that husband took on a new job, which requires him to travel 25-50% in a month and work long hours during the rest of the time he's in SG. So when he's traveling, I cannot see what he's doing so less quarrels. But a typical week when husband is in SG (like this week) goes like this:

Mon: return at 9+pm due to work late. Kids already asleep
Tue: same as mon
Wed: I woke up at 2:30am and saw the bedroom light on (I was sleeping with the kids). He was drunk and slept with the lights on.
Thursday: dunno what time he came back cos I knocked out at 10+pm after the previous nite saga.
Fri: came back at 1:30am with smell of alcohol and smoke

So we tried to talk. Same shit - his drinks were to destress after the long hours, boss called him for a drink etc. I told him sure he can drink but why must come home drunk? Cannot control? His reply was he only left work at 11pm on wed, went for drinks and he was \"fine\" when he left. Only when he reached home just knock out and hence left the lights on. He said I don't drink and wont understand ... That's the drink-till-drunk and drink-till-1-2am part of the story.

So obviously me, the much neglected wife who hasn't spend any couple time for AGES, and who has to handle all the kids school work/spelling/tests, sending kids for class/activities on sat, pay all the numerous household bills, etc starts to feel resentful. I dunno if it was a good or bad thing for me to pick up driving lately cos now all the kids related stuff is handled by me (I work full time too). My kids and I hardly have meaningful conversations or any bonding time with husband. I've seen a counsellor (alone) once when I really need to talk to someone but after that husband didn't have time for such thing and I didn't follow through with the counsellor anymore.

So, given that this is a recurring issue, husband is unlikely to change his habits with age, should I:

1) consider separation since I am resentful, I try to close one eye but still end up quarreling every other time. And he tells me why his friends wife never complain (sigh). And it's sad when I think the next 10-15 years will be the same. But I am fearful of this option for sure - single parent, stigma on my kids etc etc

2) 忍 and simply ignore his existence like what Funz did? But I think the outcome will be husband will happier I left him alone and while I am the one \"suffering in silence\" and overtime, we will become even more detached.

SIGH. Such a sad start to the weekend. And husband already comatose after his drinks while I am struggling with this issue. My apologies for the long post but hope to get some rational advise from someone. Sincere thanks!! :thankyou:

3Boys:

It's very hard to hear what you and your kids are going through.


The reason you may not be getting much response here could be that people are quite reluctant to give advice over a forum on such a momentous life decision.

But you do deserve happiness. Perhaps go see your marriage counsellor again and share your thoughts?

applecrisp:

Hey everyone,


Sadly, I am back to seek advice. Need to find strength to make a decision. So since I've started this thread in 2012, the late night drinking issue is pretty much still in existence. Except that husband took on a new job, which requires him to travel 25-50% in a month and work long hours during the rest of the time he's in SG. So when he's traveling, I cannot see what he's doing so less quarrels. But a typical week when husband is in SG (like this week) goes like this:

Mon: return at 9+pm due to work late. Kids already asleep
Tue: same as mon
Wed: I woke up at 2:30am and saw the bedroom light on (I was sleeping with the kids). He was drunk and slept with the lights on.
Thursday: dunno what time he came back cos I knocked out at 10+pm after the previous nite saga.
Fri: came back at 1:30am with smell of alcohol and smoke

So we tried to talk. Same shit - his drinks were to destress after the long hours, boss called him for a drink etc. I told him sure he can drink but why must come home drunk? Cannot control? His reply was he only left work at 11pm on wed, went for drinks and he was \"fine\" when he left. Only when he reached home just knock out and hence left the lights on. He said I don't drink and wont understand ... That's the drink-till-drunk and drink-till-1-2am part of the story.

So obviously me, the much neglected wife who hasn't spend any couple time for AGES, and who has to handle all the kids school work/spelling/tests, sending kids for class/activities on sat, pay all the numerous household bills, etc starts to feel resentful. I dunno if it was a good or bad thing for me to pick up driving lately cos now all the kids related stuff is handled by me (I work full time too). My kids and I hardly have meaningful conversations or any bonding time with husband. I've seen a counsellor (alone) once when I really need to talk to someone but after that husband didn't have time for such thing and I didn't follow through with the counsellor anymore.

So, given that this is a recurring issue, husband is unlikely to change his habits with age, should I:

1) consider separation since I am resentful, I try to close one eye but still end up quarreling every other time. And he tells me why his friends wife never complain (sigh). And it's sad when I think the next 10-15 years will be the same. But I am fearful of this option for sure - single parent, stigma on my kids etc etc

2) 忍 and simply ignore his existence like what Funz did? But I think the outcome will be husband will happier I left him alone and while I am the one \"suffering in silence\" and overtime, we will become even more detached.

SIGH. Such a sad start to the weekend. And husband already comatose after his drinks while I am struggling with this issue. My apologies for the long post but hope to get some rational advise from someone. Sincere thanks!! :thankyou:

goodydaddy:

hello.. i am new here.. and cant help but to read such intresting thread.. No, i didnt read all the pages.. just page 1, 2 and 42 & 43.. hahahah..


Well, i dont drink.. i am a dad of 2 kids.. since i got married 9 years ago, i hardly have time for me and friends.. come to think about it, i dont really have friends.. i like to be alone or only with the group that i am comfortable with.. And, i really look forward to ICT (reservist).. the only time of the year where i can sleep early and talk nonsense with good buddies.. theres a phrase, when a guy, no matter what he does for a living, once he don that green camouflage uniform, he is a MONKEY.. i love ICT.. away from it all.. work, kids and wife.. not tat i dont love them, just those 2-3 weeks in a year where i can be \"free\".. nothing wrong with tat right? hahahha

i am a very hands on dad.. everything i do for the family except for giving birth to my kids.. i dont complain to my wife about how tired i am etc.. i see it as a responsibility.. so i guess not much guys like me left out there.. hahahah.. very limited edition..

anyways, all marriages got problem.. including mine.. but, i am the type, very easy to forgive and very hard to get angry.. my wife seldom makes me angry.. when we argue its because of my mistakes etc.. so its my fault for the 95% we argue.. hahahah..

so, good luck to sisters out there.. you can get many advices in this forum.. in the end, its your family and you do whats best.. even if tat best is the most hurtful.. taking care everyone..

Peace!