How can we teach a child to not be too self centred?

Reply to How can we teach a child to not be too self centred? on Thu, 06 Aug 2009 11:03:12 GMT

qingzi — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 11:03:12 GMT

A lot of parents tend to be over-protective of their children… but perhaps what is needed to prevent self-centredness, is to let your child see more of the outside world. Let your child take part in more outside activities, have a wider social circle, even if it may seem too "much" or "mature" for him at this moment. We often underestimate our children’s abilities.

My friend’s son is 15 yrs old and he has already set up his own social enterprise business (earning real money), while his peers face parental objection at every juncture of their lives (cannot join this, cannot join that, cannot go out, etc). He got this opportunity from some program (drama and enterprise or something like that) he joined outside of school. (If anyone interested i can try asking my fren).

Reply to How can we teach a child to not be too self centred? on Mon, 20 Jul 2009 10:48:19 GMT

Skippy — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 10:48:19 GMT

westmom thanks for the poem on role modelling, how lovely and says it all!

Skippy

Reply to How can we teach a child to not be too self centred? on Mon, 20 Jul 2009 09:26:13 GMT

westmom — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 09:26:13 GMT

Skippy:
[Editor's note: Topic selected and edited for http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/bringing-compassionate-children.]

We can role model this value. Kids observe how mum and dad treat each other, how we treat our neighbours e.g. my mum used to share our food with an old man next door who had no family, there in was my desire as an adult to care for others from this first memory, give your seat on the MRT or bus to an elderly or disabled person etc. When you do, tell your child \"Sometimes others need the seat more than we do\" - Find ways to model giving and your child will learn quickly. Reinforce this by telling them why you are doing it.

-!

This brings me back to a meaningful poem someone once shared with me ...how our little actions can leave a big impression in our little ones:

WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN’T LOOKING

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator
and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you feed a stray cat,
and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you make my favourite cake for me
and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I heard you say a prayer,
and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I felt you kiss me goodnight,
and I felt loved.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick,
and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you give your time and money to
help people who had nothing
and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don’t.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it
and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when
you didn’t feel good
and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw tears come from your eyes
and I learned that sometimes things hurts, but it’s all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw that you cared
And I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I learned most of life’s lessons that I need to
know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I looked at you and wanted to say,
“Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn’t looking”.

Little eyes see a lot.

(Author Unknown, Source Unknown)

Reply to How can we teach a child to not be too self centred? on Thu, 16 Jul 2009 10:43:53 GMT

Skippy — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 10:43:53 GMT

[Editor's note: Topic selected and edited for http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/bringing-compassionate-children.]

Hello Midori & parents

I'm new to the forum and thought I would share some thoughts on this topic.

It is normal for kids to be primal and self centred as they usually have their own needs as their primary concern. In fact there are lots of adults who still have not grown out of it ! LOL. As they grow and develop in a loving family, it's up to the parents to teach values such as giving, kindness and caring. When we teach these as parents we try to avoid telling kids they are bad when they are only looking out for themselves because they are not. Instead just direct them to the behaviour you wish them to display e.g. When they grab the last 2 cookies in the jar \" Do you think you can share that with your sister\"? or \"May I please have one and you can have the other\"?

Several ways come to mind. We can role model this value. Kids observe how mum and dad treat each other, how we treat our neighbours e.g. my mum used to share our food with an old man next door who had no family, there in was my desire as an adult to care for others from this first memory, give your seat on the MRT or bus to an elderly or disabled person etc. When you do, tell your child \"Sometimes others need the seat more than we do\" - Find ways to model giving and your child will learn quickly. Reinforce this by telling them why you are doing it.

- Story books! Find stories where kindness is the value and moral of the story. Read together and discuss with your child e.g. \"Did you think the boy was kind in this story\"? \"Would you do the same if it were you\"? This discussion will plant seeds of kindness and giving. I used to create stories for my kids and nieces and nephews, you can to!

- Pets: Kids are so used to being looked after, pets allow them to look out for someone else. I got my boys Goldfish in a small pond as we could not afford a dog or cat due to vet costs. They would wash the bowl out once a week, feed them twice a day etc. It was their responsibility and they loved it! Crazy crabs, mini turtles, pot plants are other things that can instill care for something outside themselves.

- Volunteer to visit an elderly neighbour, let them partake in baking cupcakes to take to them or some other local dish. \"Let's visit Uncle Tan who has no family and let's make him something this saturday, what do you think\"? Such a good way to teach kids that they are not the centre of the universe all the time!

- Do something special and small for their maid once a week. It may be singing a song, or helping to make her a cup of tea, or drawing her a picture as an appreciation for her care all through the week.

- Movies that instill themes of giving, kindness is yet another way! Provided you pause the movie after 20 minutes and talk about some of things in the movie.

- Find opportunities to get kids to help you out, even if you have a maid helping you with the shopping. Let them carry a small shopping bag home after grocery shopping, help wash the car, tidy their toys, dust out a book shelf etc. There is great value in what may seem like a small task but it for the whole family and not just for themselves. Tell them what a good job they have done after the task is done.

Hope this helps your kids learn heaps from your guidance!!

Reply to How can we teach a child to not be too self centred? on Mon, 06 Jul 2009 06:25:46 GMT

Midori — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 06:25:46 GMT

Dear Sleepy

Thank you for your suggesiton! I started trying over the weekend, it works.

I started on Sat and Sun they started to offer me by themselves! :celebrate:

I believe, I have to remind them once it a while before it become a habit.

Thank you!

Reply to How can we teach a child to not be too self centred? on Fri, 03 Jul 2009 15:10:29 GMT

sleepy — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 15:10:29 GMT

I always ask my kids to share with me their yummy food. They would share, abit unwilliingly initially. Anyway, I make sure I really eat it. I know they feel heartpained but I pretend not to notice & always praise them for taking care of me

After a while, they got use to the 'concept'. Before eating any yummy food or sweets, they would ask me whether I want to eat? They would also save the food they deem nice for me or keep some for daddy, rather than finished up all the nice dishes. Now doing all these willingly

My elder girl even took one step further. During a rainy day, she asked me to move to the inner side of the void deck so that she can block the rain for me :hugs:

Have to keep drilling them whenever opportunities arise. Took me at least a year to see some positive results

Reply to How can we teach a child to not be too self centred? on Fri, 03 Jul 2009 14:39:57 GMT

amylqf — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 14:39:57 GMT

In the beginning, I thought self centered behavior was more prolong to single child. but nowadays, I will say, with both parents working environment, most of kids are spoiled by in house maid or in law. Self centered may be quite common.

Reply to How can we teach a child to not be too self centred? on Fri, 03 Jul 2009 09:18:46 GMT

Midori — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 09:18:46 GMT

Yes, you’re right. I know what you mean. No, that’s not our family culture. When they were younger. My MIL did do that, but I stop her from doing it.

Thank you

Reply to How can we teach a child to not be too self centred? on Fri, 03 Jul 2009 07:24:37 GMT

jedamum — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 07:24:37 GMT

Midori:

I have thought him many times, but it seems it still didn't work :? Anyone has good suggestions?

i believe you meant 'taught' - so do you just try to teach by saying instead of 'doing'?
Try giving him your last piece of his favourite food (cherry, roast pork etc etc) and ask him how he feel and tell him how you feel and why you do so.
Is there a 'family habit' of challenging each other like see who eats the fastest, who do what the fastest, who is better at what, that every thing must win? I hope not. I do occasionally see parents playing with their kids and when their kids achieve some stuff, they parents proudly proclaim the kid to be a winner. Unless the kid is matured enough to win/lose graciously, most times, to kids, when there is a winner, there will be a loser and he who dont want to be a loser may (but not will) not grow to be as close to their 'rivals' which in these cases to be siblings. Being self-centre may be an instinct of self-preservation and survival.
To reduce self-centre-ness, the way the family 'operates' also plays a part. We may not know it, but if we reflect, sometimes it's our very actions that rubs off on the kids.
jmho.

Reply to How can we teach a child to not be too self centred? on Fri, 03 Jul 2009 06:02:05 GMT

Midori — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 06:02:05 GMT

Thank you Bowie & Jedamum! My boy is 7 yrs old…

Bowie, your suggestion is brilliant. I’ll see how to use it on my 7 yrs old…

cheers
Midori

Reply to How can we teach a child to not be too self centred? on Thu, 02 Jul 2009 07:37:34 GMT

jedamum — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 07:37:34 GMT

Midori:
My child is getting more and more self centred.

Midori,
perhaps you want to update your profile so that we know which child (age, first or secondborn etc) you are talking about.

Reply to How can we teach a child to not be too self centred? on Thu, 02 Jul 2009 06:38:59 GMT

Bowie — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 06:38:59 GMT

Hi,

This work for me on my 2.5yo. I have this habit to recount the day activities with my girl before her bed time. In the recounting, I have invented a character call \"turtle\" (not very creative) who represent my girl and will describe what turtle do on that day.

Good or Bad behavior will be highlighted and I will ask my girl on her opinion as the story evolves. She knows turtle is actually her and when presented this way, she usually will reflect on herself and I observed slowly the idea will sink in.

Sometimes it take longer time to register the idea in her mind. But it usually works well with my gal.

Maybe u can try.... but I not sure if it can work on older kids. :?