<![CDATA[Another failed marriage.]]>Am in an inter-racial marriage. Dh is a Muslim while I am Chinese free-thinker. Known him for more than half a lifetime and married for 12 years.


Since we got married, I have never stepped foot into his parents’ home. I have disallowed him to bring our 2 kids (10 and 2) to see his parents. While he was disappointed with that, we were otherwise a happy family (most of the time). Since the passing of his father 3 months ago, his mother had been pestering him to see the kids. His siblings also "poke poke" which pressurized him even more. For avoidance of doubt, Dh does not stop my parents from seeing the kids.

I refused to give in although a part of me know that I a being unreasonable. I can’t even explain why I dislike his side of the family so much that I do not want any association with them. Maybe I just don’t want my kids to become Muslims.

Dh is considering a divorce so that he could bring the kids to see his mom etc during his visitation time. He said as much to our 10 yo. My kid told me that it did not bother him not knowing his father’s side, but it bothered him that his parents would no longer be together.

I left my job last year after the birth of my #2 kid. While I have savings, I need to support my parents financially and meet personal financial obligations ie. insurance. At the moment, Dh pays for household exp and I think his paycheck is about $7k.

While I am still relatively clear-minded, I need to think about the kids’ future financial needs (eg. escalating tuition fees esp when my elder son is in sec sch) and our day to day expenses. Where do i start? What do I have to take into consideration? Will I be denied maintenance given I have significant amount of savings? Thanks in advance.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/topic/43376/another-failed-marriageRSS for NodeTue, 28 Apr 2026 04:03:50 GMTThu, 01 Nov 2012 08:09:31 GMT60<![CDATA[Reply to Another failed marriage. on Thu, 08 Nov 2012 13:06:42 GMT]]>

ChiefKiasu:
3Boys:

... And hey, did you not court and marry a Muslim boy? So what's the big deal if your kids convert?


That is an excellent point. But there is probably more than meets the eye.

Indeed....

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/894723https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/894723Thu, 08 Nov 2012 13:06:42 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Another failed marriage. on Thu, 08 Nov 2012 02:43:47 GMT]]>

ChiefKiasu:
3Boys:

... And hey, did you not court and marry a Muslim boy? So what's the big deal if your kids convert?


That is an excellent point. But there is probably more than meets the eye.

According to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matrimonial_law_of_Singapore, I wonder if he has renounced his faith.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/894243https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/894243Thu, 08 Nov 2012 02:43:47 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Another failed marriage. on Wed, 07 Nov 2012 10:27:09 GMT]]>

ChiefKiasu:
Gooby:

... No wonder the SG men are complaining about the women's charter being unfair.


Why make such generalisations?

Chief, I never say ALL the SG men.....:scratchhead:

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/893909https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/893909Wed, 07 Nov 2012 10:27:09 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Another failed marriage. on Wed, 07 Nov 2012 10:18:58 GMT]]>

3Boys:
... And hey, did you not court and marry a Muslim boy? So what's the big deal if your kids convert?

That is an excellent point. But there is probably more than meets the eye.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/893904https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/893904Wed, 07 Nov 2012 10:18:58 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Another failed marriage. on Wed, 07 Nov 2012 10:17:21 GMT]]>

Gooby:
... No wonder the SG men are complaining about the women's charter being unfair.

Why make such generalisations?

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/893903https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/893903Wed, 07 Nov 2012 10:17:21 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Another failed marriage. on Wed, 07 Nov 2012 10:01:49 GMT]]>You don’t even know why you dislike your DH family so much yet you made such unilateral decision by refusing your kids to acknowledge their grandparents and hubby’s parents to enjoy their grandchildren. Even if they are unkind, it still does not give you the right to stop them from seeing each other. This is a super deluded, selfish and cruel act.


Your DH, kids and PILs do not deserve such treatment at all. DH and his family had sacrificed and compromised so much for you all these years with their love and kindness especially your DH. You are forcing your DH who love you dearly to issue the ultimatum on you. His own father cannot enjoy the kids, he don’t want his own mother to continue the same. How can you be so cruel.

Your marriage is doom to fail with your mindset as such. Yet, all you can think of is MAINTENANCE. No wonder the SG men are complaining about the women’s charter being unfair.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/893898https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/893898Wed, 07 Nov 2012 10:01:49 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Another failed marriage. on Sun, 04 Nov 2012 06:11:22 GMT]]>try to work something out to see if it helps… we wouldnt know how much "damage" has this caused to u and ur dh… but as least do something to improve the situation… there may not always be best of both worlds…


even if nothing helps, at least u tried with no regrets…

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/890782https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/890782Sun, 04 Nov 2012 06:11:22 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Another failed marriage. on Sat, 03 Nov 2012 09:23:22 GMT]]>It’s not all about your pride or so called principle, the happiness of 4 other people are at stake. Would it kill you to just give it one go and let your hubby bring the kids to the grandma once? You’ve created all these ghosts in your mind and you are willing to cause great hurt to your loved ones on account of imagined fears.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/890315https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/890315Sat, 03 Nov 2012 09:23:22 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Another failed marriage. on Sat, 03 Nov 2012 08:44:08 GMT]]>

3Boys:
EnL:


While I am still relatively clear-minded,

Actually, you are not being clear-minded at all. You are mistaking tunnel-vision for clear mindedness because the end game is all you can see.

You have set up an all-or-nothing situation.

1) Stay married to me but kids NEVER see their paternal grandparents.
2) Divorce me and kids can see paternal grandparents.

How about

3) Stay married to me and kids can see paternal grandparents.

How is 3) worse than 2)?

The answer....a bit of lost pridefulness, but a tonne of gratitude and love from your kids, your husband, your mother-in-law (for whom you hate for no other reason than being true to her beliefs), and finally, yourself, who will forget the lost 'pride' in time but benefit from the love and affection for the rest of your life.

You can do the sums for yourself.

I totally agree with 3Boys.

Who is more important to you? Your family i believe which incl your DH and lovely kids. U will want to do the best for them. N if this is the only sticky problem, I see that its not a problem at all if you as 3Boys said learn to compromise.

Yes u may not like it that your kids go ovr to yr in law plc with whatevr reason (not forgetting u married a muslim n u know that) but which is a lesser of the two \"evil\" ?
1) agree kids to go DH's mom plc and receive an extra amt of love n care and chance of being showered with blessings from grandmom. You may not want to go there. But do allow your kids to learn show love n care for both side of ext family. Whether kana convert or not thats to me is secondary issue. --but your kids n u n DH still an intact family

2) agree to the divorce n kids kana torn apart by parents' separation. kids suffer from all those effects of broken family. yes get to see dad n mom n ah gong ah ma from both sides etc...but with a different status--- no longer an intact family. oh yes...have to go thro those mths maybe years of issues from divorce/separation headache... $$$ etc.

and oh yes how u know your kids wont kana convert in future whn they meet someone else from a different religion

and... oh wat happen if in future your kids' spouse dun allow their children (means your grandchildren) to visit you --well to your kids they will find it is okay cos for their whole life they have learnt: mommy did it to my father's parents n we are nt allow to visit grams.

before you mk any decision think: think for your kids, your DH whom u love n married him... in a marriage it is not jus the man u marry but his family and your family r involved.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/890297https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/890297Sat, 03 Nov 2012 08:44:08 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Another failed marriage. on Fri, 02 Nov 2012 10:49:53 GMT]]>

EnL:

While I am still relatively clear-minded,
Actually, you are not being clear-minded at all. You are mistaking tunnel-vision for clear mindedness because the end game is all you can see.

You have set up an all-or-nothing situation.

1) Stay married to me but kids NEVER see their paternal grandparents.
2) Divorce me and kids can see paternal grandparents.

How about

3) Stay married to me and kids can see paternal grandparents.

How is 3) worse than 2)?

The answer....a bit of lost pridefulness, but a tonne of gratitude and love from your kids, your husband, your mother-in-law (for whom you hate for no other reason than being true to her beliefs), and finally, yourself, who will forget the lost 'pride' in time but benefit from the love and affection for the rest of your life.

You can do the sums for yourself.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/889647https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/889647Fri, 02 Nov 2012 10:49:53 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Another failed marriage. on Fri, 02 Nov 2012 10:43:02 GMT]]>

EnL:

I refused to give in although a part of me know that I a being unreasonable. I can't even explain why I dislike his side of the family so much that I do not want any association with them. Maybe I just don't want my kids to become Muslims.
Well, you've said it.

Ask yourself why you are being so dogmatic.

You'd let a marriage fail on a point of principle? And possibly a flawed one at that?

Not sure how much you really love your kids or husband, if I were to be brutally honest.

Let go of your pride and compromise this time, for the sake of your kids, and actually, for your own good. He separated from his family to be with you, time to give back a little. If you feel you have a philosophy of life that is superior to Islam, you should have no worries about 'losing' them to Islam, or any other religion for that matter.

And hey, did you not court and marry a Muslim boy? So what's the big deal if your kids convert?

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/889641https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/889641Fri, 02 Nov 2012 10:43:02 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Another failed marriage. on Fri, 02 Nov 2012 06:20:30 GMT]]>ENL: Here’s my two cents… Every religion, any religion does not really matter. What matters is mutual respect and that both parties should accept the difference in each other’s beliefs (and or the lack of!). People of different religion can live together in close space so long as there is mutual respect. I give you an example: An aunt is a Christian, with a Buddhist husband. DH diligently sends her to church every Sunday. Whenever my uncle is away, my aunt will pick up the joss-sticks and offer prayers on his behalf. They have been married for 30 years with children from 16 to 20s.


As you have said, your husband was born a Muslim and you knew that when you married him. What is the difference now? Your children should first and foremost be given the basic rights of knowing your husband’s family; just like how they know your parents. I personally feel that as parents/spouse, we should not force our beliefs (or the lack of), to those around us. Your children will choose a religion as they seem fit or affinity with.

We may not share the same faith, but I am sure you would agree, faith is not a bad thing. Every religion teaches well, kindness, integrity. These are some of the values we want our children to have. I don’t think the issue here is about choice of religion (because this existed since you were dating)… may I ask, if you could share what really is the issue now?

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/889365https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/889365Fri, 02 Nov 2012 06:20:30 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Another failed marriage. on Thu, 01 Nov 2012 13:21:54 GMT]]>hi EnL,


i find that ur marriage is not on the rocks yet… there should be other solutions other than to divorce. note that kids are the ones who suffer the most in any separation between parents…

first u need to ask urself, what is the minimum that their side want u to do other than converting? is it just to see kids regularly? is it for u to convert? is it for kids to convert?

next u ask urself, r u able to accept or compromise with the minimum that they want? or to negotiate to an acceptable term between the both of u?

it is not like u no longer love ur dh or he hates u… its more of the things that u do or not do that makes him voice out the divorce…

it is natural that mother in law wants to see their grandchild, though u may hv ur own reasons, i find that forbiting them to meet is not exactly a right thing to do…

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/888754https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/888754Thu, 01 Nov 2012 13:21:54 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Another failed marriage. on Thu, 01 Nov 2012 12:46:10 GMT]]>

EnL:

Thank u for your advice. He wanted a divorce, I am contented to stay status quo.
I see, if that is the case, just keep all your receipts and photocopies of his income statement. troublesome but it will help you if you are going for maintenance. Did you contribute for your current flat or your dh paid everything? Under any circumstances, if your parents are there for you,you have a place to go to.

Your DH and yourself will need to go for counselling and so will your 1st kid as he will be 10 years old.

In the end, he wants visit rights which he might get....
His visits will only be revoked if he is abusive, compulsive gambler etc. (just call a divorce firm to confirm) hence it is really quite sorry to see a marriage dissolve because of that...

Take that step get yourself and dh to a counsellor again to talk it out, is divorce really the way out? Compromise and maybe like you mentioned before, they can be muslims when of a certain age to understand? then it would be their choice?

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/888740https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/888740Thu, 01 Nov 2012 12:46:10 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Another failed marriage. on Thu, 01 Nov 2012 10:56:33 GMT]]>

Mawar:
EnL:

When the kids are old enough to choose, I will respect their wishes.


That's wise. As parents we know we don't own our grown up kids. We nurture and release them when time comes.

What about your DH's wishes? The boy you loved for 9 years and the man you married for over a decade?

He is Muslim by birth so naturally wants the same for the kids.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/888700https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/888700Thu, 01 Nov 2012 10:56:33 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Another failed marriage. on Thu, 01 Nov 2012 10:55:03 GMT]]>

Kissgurami:
EnL:


Where do i start? What do I have to take into consideration? Will I be denied maintenance given I have significant amount of savings? Thanks in advance.

Like the rest, I would say , talk to your dh and his family. being it young or not or dating for 9 years before getting marry or not, I think it is a rather well known fact that converting will come into the picture. You aren't converted which I can see that they respected your wishes hence there must be areas where you feel threatened that your children will be?

Your dh and his family seem to be paying a price which is rather sad.

To the rational part of answering your question,

Where do you start? Engage a lawyer if you can afford it. Be prepared to pay if you know that there will be fight for custody. My advice, call of the firms to do a consultation first. If you know it will drag, go for Legal Aid but it will take 1 - 1.5 years to sort the paper work.

What do I have to take into consideration? Keep every receipts and every expenditure if you wish to get maintenance for yourself and your kids. The court will have to see proof of expenditure. You don't have to declare your savings. The focus is on your monthly sustainable income.

Next, the grounds for divorce, I dont know... your reason might come across as \"not substantial\" and doesn't fall under any valid reason for divorce.

Bearing in mind we do live in a multi-racial country and dual consent to a marriage from your end.

You can refer to this link : http://app.subcourts.gov.sg/family/page.aspx?pageid=3745 for more details

Thank u for your advice. He wanted a divorce, I am contented to stay status quo.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/888698https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/888698Thu, 01 Nov 2012 10:55:03 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Another failed marriage. on Thu, 01 Nov 2012 10:46:00 GMT]]>

autumnbronze:
Hi!


Was your DH ok with this perception of yours from the beginning?

Has your DH ever pressured you into converting? What about the kids?

Why did the counsellor say \"no hope\"? Was there any attempt at a compromise?

I apologize if I sound inquisitive. In actual fact, I am trying to understand your situation. It's unusual in the sense that there doesn't seem to be any form of external interference involved to break up your marriage, you knew him for 9 years before tying the knot, and it didn't look as if you were pressured into converting.

One of the posters is right. It's not about you and you anymore. A stable and loving family unit is a core in a marriage with kids.
His family was against the marriage when they knew that I was not going to convert. Hence after the wedding, Dh deemed it better that I did not visit his parents. With the passage of time, his mom would on and off bring up the issue of converting but I never saw the need to go and see them.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/888692https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/888692Thu, 01 Nov 2012 10:46:00 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Another failed marriage. on Thu, 01 Nov 2012 10:37:13 GMT]]>

EnL:
When the kids are old enough to choose, I will respect their wishes.

That's wise. As parents we know we don't own our grown up kids. We nurture and release them when time comes.

What about your DH's wishes? The boy you loved for 9 years and the man you married for over a decade?

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/888688https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/888688Thu, 01 Nov 2012 10:37:13 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Another failed marriage. on Thu, 01 Nov 2012 10:29:07 GMT]]>

EnL:
We had consulted a FSC counsellor a few years ago. Her comment after hearing our story was \"No hope\".

Like you said, this was years ago. Talk to someone else.

Better still, make done changes to your own life. Get out, seek employment, take time off ... anything.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/888684https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/888684Thu, 01 Nov 2012 10:29:07 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Another failed marriage. on Thu, 01 Nov 2012 10:27:09 GMT]]>Hi!


Was your DH ok with this perception of yours from the beginning?

Has your DH ever pressured you into converting? What about the kids?

Why did the counsellor say "no hope"? Was there any attempt at a compromise?

I apologize if I sound inquisitive. In actual fact, I am trying to understand your situation. It’s unusual in the sense that there doesn’t seem to be any form of external interference involved to break up your marriage, you knew him for 9 years before tying the knot, and it didn’t look as if you were pressured into converting.

One of the posters is right. It’s not about you and you anymore. A stable and loving family unit is a core in a marriage with kids.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/888683https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/888683Thu, 01 Nov 2012 10:27:09 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Another failed marriage. on Thu, 01 Nov 2012 10:22:57 GMT]]>

EnL:
Mawar:


You entered into this inter racial marriage with your eyes open. If you can love and live with DH, who is Muslim and likely brought up as one, you can choose to look at his strengths. .

The saying 'love is blind' is very true, esp when one was young. Yes, he was brought up as one. We dated for 9 years b4 we got married yet we did not (at least I did not) think of children issues. Young and blind

It's ok to be young and blind. See too much also serves no good. Just carpe diem and savour the romance. But we must grow up and evolve. To do that, we should try to let go of old grievances and emotional baggage. Move on. Don't punish others because all will get punished.

Please be happy.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/888680https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/888680Thu, 01 Nov 2012 10:22:57 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Another failed marriage. on Thu, 01 Nov 2012 10:18:07 GMT]]>

EnL:

Where do i start? What do I have to take into consideration? Will I be denied maintenance given I have significant amount of savings? Thanks in advance.
Like the rest, I would say , talk to your dh and his family. being it young or not or dating for 9 years before getting marry or not, I think it is a rather well known fact that converting will come into the picture. You aren't converted which I can see that they respected your wishes hence there must be areas where you feel threatened that your children will be?

Your dh and his family seem to be paying a price which is rather sad.

To the rational part of answering your question,

Where do you start? Engage a lawyer if you can afford it. Be prepared to pay if you know that there will be fight for custody. My advice, call of the firms to do a consultation first. If you know it will drag, go for Legal Aid but it will take 1 - 1.5 years to sort the paper work.

What do I have to take into consideration? Keep every receipts and every expenditure if you wish to get maintenance for yourself and your kids. The court will have to see proof of expenditure. You don't have to declare your savings. The focus is on your monthly sustainable income.

Next, the grounds for divorce, I dont know... your reason might come across as \"not substantial\" and doesn't fall under any valid reason for divorce.

Bearing in mind we do live in a multi-racial country and dual consent to a marriage from your end.

You can refer to this link : http://app.subcourts.gov.sg/family/page.aspx?pageid=3745 for more details

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/888676https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/888676Thu, 01 Nov 2012 10:18:07 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Another failed marriage. on Thu, 01 Nov 2012 10:17:54 GMT]]>When the kids are old enough to choose, I will respect their wishes. Until then, I do not wish Islamic teachings to be forced down their throats. No offence to the Muslim members here.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/888675https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/888675Thu, 01 Nov 2012 10:17:54 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Another failed marriage. on Thu, 01 Nov 2012 10:14:19 GMT]]>

EnL:
ammonite:

is this the only sticking issue in your marriage?.


Yes, this is one, the other being bringing the kids up as non-Muslims.


We want the best for our kids. But at a certain point, we have to accept that they will follow their hearts. Have you ever thought about the possibility that your kids might be drawn by the tension/intrique and search for their buried heritage? What would you do to stop them? Can you even stop things from coming full cycle?

Please think carefully. It's not about you and you alone anymore.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/888672https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/888672Thu, 01 Nov 2012 10:14:19 GMT