<![CDATA[Should I have hothoused her?]]>Dd collected her PSLE slip yesterday and she cried. Her T-score is 10 points below the COP of her dream school. My heart is now very heavy, with many many knots. I am trying to untie them. To move on and to help her, I know I have to untie them quickly. But I need help. I hope that the experienced parents out there can share your views and thoughts.


Dd is someone who is not fantastic in her work, but above-average. Hubby and I have not sent her for tuition for the most part of her school-life, partly because we had not realized, until the last couple of years, that society has moved to a stage whereby tuition has become a necessity to excel, and partly because we wanted to protect her childhood.

Aside from this, we had also let dd play computer games and watch youtube/TV for what most parents would consider excessive hours - 1 to 2 hours a day during weekdays and more on weekends. This, after having done the practice papers/assessment books that I asked her to do.

The issue I am struggling with now, is whether I should have been a better parent and do what some parents of dd’s friends have done. They have disallowed their children to play computer games, watch TV or take an active part in CCAs and their results as revealed yesterday turned out better than dd’s.

Should I have hothoused her? I had tried to be more relaxed on her mainly because I was hothoused before by my mother and it really strained our relationship. Up till today, it is still strained as the bond just isn’t there. Because of this, my philosophy for my kids has always been that building a bond with them is more important than anything else as it will give them life-long happiness.

Unfortunately, I am now unsure of my philosophy. I am wondering now whether it is too much of a trade-off - having a strong bond with them at the expense of achieving better results.  With my dd, I know I can’t turn back the clock with respect to PSLE. But going forward, should I be stricter with her in terms of hours spent on work? Also, should I start hothousing my younger one who is just embarking on his primary school journey?

Sorry for this very long post. I needed to get this out of my system and I would really appreciate any insights on this. Right now, I feel like I have failed as a parent, that I have not done everything to enable her to compete with her peers. TIA

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/topic/46006/should-i-have-hothoused-herRSS for NodeSat, 18 Apr 2026 11:01:42 GMTThu, 22 Nov 2012 22:38:39 GMT60<![CDATA[Reply to Should I have hothoused her? on Sun, 02 Dec 2012 14:22:14 GMT]]>Maybe, my PSLE that year I was totally slack, only studied the day before for each paper. But got 254 so wasn’t that bad lah.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/912919https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/912919Sun, 02 Dec 2012 14:22:14 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I have hothoused her? on Sat, 01 Dec 2012 10:42:05 GMT]]>

slmkhoo:
Hope n Peace:

I think the problem of our education system is that it is making everyone chase for that last t-score point and making people who do not make that last t-score point feel all regretful. Is it meaningful?


I agree with this. My daughter did PSLE in 2011 and had a fairly relaxing time as we mainly left it to her to decide how hard to work. She made it to her first choice school although I had warned her that it could be chancy and that maybe she should work harder. Her response was that she valued her leisure and sleep more than a few extra points, and she would be satisfied with her 2nd or 3rd choice school if need be. Knowing that she is quite mature and what she said she would hold to, we let her be. We don't believe that the choice of school matters as much as the child's motivation to work. What we don't want is to become our child's driving force, so that she won't work if we don't push. Of course, her grandfather told her that if only she had worked harder, she could have got even more points and be higher in the rankings, but she didn't see the point in that, and neither did we.


Share the same view ! Generally, the high ability child has very high self-motivation and set their own targets / goals. Recalls, when my DD got her PSLE results, she cried! Her teachers were surprised and we too. She had expected to do even better! All her teachers were telling her that they are already the top 1-3% of cohort! We don't push her, cause we know DD has her own targets.
:grphug: :grphug:

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/912517https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/912517Sat, 01 Dec 2012 10:42:05 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I have hothoused her? on Sat, 01 Dec 2012 04:28:39 GMT]]>-deleted- double post

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/912402https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/912402Sat, 01 Dec 2012 04:28:39 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I have hothoused her? on Sat, 01 Dec 2012 04:25:23 GMT]]>A very interesting thread. Just a quick summary of 2 different schools of thoughts :


School 1

1. Hot housing will cause kid to lose childhood and affect bonding with parents.

2. Computer game/time is ok - it is part of childhood.

3. It is ok to go to 2nd choice school. Child will top the class, feel good and excel.

4. Every child has different ability & attitude. We cannot train cheetah to be lion. Parents should have realistic expectation.

5. Study is about consistent work - no last minute prep.

School 2

1. Hot housing is ok but parent must accompany children. Outsourcing to tuition centre is no no.

2. There is more than enough time for many activities. It is a matter of time management.

In this year's PSLE, there is an autistic/hyperactive?? child who got 273, who can concentrate only for 1 hour. I know an autistic child whose parents managed to \"trained\" him to go to normal school and finally to poly. It is really heartbreaking when the SAHM related all the repetitions, reminders, patience she had to go through just to make her child as normal as possible. Now we have another one who got 273 with only 1 hour of attention span. If we find out how much effort his parents have to put in, we will know that our children can also get 270 if only we have put in half the effort put in by that parents. It is not about tuition, hothousing, ... It is about discipline, motivation, time management, reward, punishment... A balancing act that must be re-calibrated continuously depending on the situation.

PS
Just to share the effect of going to the 2nd best school. They will do well and eventually join the top IP JC. However, IP kids in the top JC may not particularly enjoy the company of top O level kids. You will be surprised to hear comments like this on the top O level kids from the IP kids:
\"They talk like they know a lot but keep asking stupid questions. Really wasting time.\" Sound snobbish. No, those are spoken in private, a sincere and candid answer between a parent and IP kid on why they don't mix well with their new O level classmates.

The IP kids are surrounded by top brain since Sec 1 and they know where they are academically. They dare not boast of their ability because they know that there are many who are much better than them..

The top O level kid is the star of his school. However, comparing him with the IP kids, he is just average. He wouldn't realise it and continue to talk in the same way when he joined the top IP school. To his new classmates he may sound boastful.

Just to just a social issue of joining top IP from O level.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/912401https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/912401Sat, 01 Dec 2012 04:25:23 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I have hothoused her? on Sat, 01 Dec 2012 00:28:46 GMT]]>mum-s, I think you have a wonderful daughter who has lots of potential - potential to later in life find a job that she loves, potential to excel and potential to be truly happy. At this young age, she is already so entrepreneurial. Without tuition, she is still within the top 10 of her school - this is no easy feat in the Singapore of today.


I think the problem of our education system is that it is making everyone chase for that last t-score point and making people who do not make that last t-score point feel all regretful. Is it meaningful? I looked at the girls in my dd’s cohort who scored within her 10-point score band. They are usually about the same standard in school, taking turns to top a certain subject at different CAs/SAs. Naturally at the PSLE, as with any other test/exam in school, some of them would be at the higher end of the 10-point spectrum while others would be at the lower end. Unfortunately for those at the lower end at this all-important exam (fortunately for those at the higher end), if their t-score falls just short of the cutoff point of their desired school (usually defined as the school with the highest COP of the country) and their peers scored just above that COP, the former seemingly are inferior to the latter.

Dr Lee Wei Ling wrote an article last week about this, in which she proposed a posting to sec schools using a banding system. E.g. students scoring, say, 250 and above get to go to School Cluster X, students scoring 230-250 go to School Cluster Y, etc (just my own numerical example for illustration, not Dr Lee’s). I think this is a good system. It will reduce the need to chase that last t-score point and allay the stress to parents and students. Students will then have the space to pursue their other interests without having to mug so intensively.

Of course, it will not be easy to implement this, eg for one particular band,do we ballot for places in schools which will still be hotly contested for? Do we use distance from schools as the parameter (property prices will be affected and equity issues will surface)? The top schools may protest if they do not take in the very top students, as it may "dilute" their culture and do injustice to their tradition. But I think if we were to really move towards the principle of "all schools are good schools", if we believe that this is best for our society, then we should make this change and iron out the implementation difficulties.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/912284https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/912284Sat, 01 Dec 2012 00:28:46 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I have hothoused her? on Fri, 30 Nov 2012 15:42:24 GMT]]>I hothoused my son this year…it is considered late but no choice.

All 4 subjects were outsourced…and I monitored his mental wellness throughout to ensure he is not burnt out or near that level especially nearing PSLE.

He didn’t get 21X or 22X…I believe his best subject Science was pulled down by Math (his weak subject). As for English, it was his tutor who pulled him up or he would have failed. He was so weak in his comprehension and oral.
Naturally I would have wished for As but for my son who doesn’t know how to handle the big ticket components, getting that B is indeed an achievement and I am grateful and satisfied. Now that he understands what English is, he must work harder next year.

Times have changed, PSLE is much much harder than our time. We have to understand our children’s abilities and only we parents know that and must accept.

I have a cane…but that is used for discipline or rather the lack of it. It is not for show…I have caned him…but son knows why he is punished.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/912228https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/912228Fri, 30 Nov 2012 15:42:24 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I have hothoused her? on Fri, 30 Nov 2012 15:21:19 GMT]]>

mum-s:
My daughter performed below her expectation. I asked her if she would have preferred that I did what her friends' mums did i.e. limit her leisure hours and activities, no phone calls, sms, lots of assessments and exam papers to practise. She said no but actually hesitated...


I do wonder if I should be more of a tiger mum especially when I know she can actually achieve. She's like running at 85% of her 'academic potential'. Right up to her PSLE, she would spend time on a blogshop she set up to sell her handicraft and also on making the little handicraft items. She had no tuition. She was naturally achieving top 10 in her class which was the top class in her school. I didn't think I needed to do a lot with her for the PSLE.

What made me a bit more unsettled are comments and questions from her classmates' mums (the proud ones who tagged along the class gathering to compare and boast). Their daughters had always been behind her but they did way better than she did in the PSLE. She was also a bit unsettled to be asked if she was disappointed and what school was she going to apply for. Some adults have no EQ.

I believe things happen for a reason. Just need a bit of airing of my thoughts. Sigh.
I would be very proud to have a child like yours. When my daughter received her PSLE results 4 years ago, she actually cried in the school hall 'cos she knew she'd performed below her expectations & knew she could have done better. She's just average in her cohort. Seeing how she reacted, I put my arms around her & told her, that I trust she'd given her 100% already. That's all I want from her, in giving 100% in everything she does, nothing more. She's very talented in music, especially in both piano & double-bass. Her other subjects are still average in her cohort, with a couple of subjects barely passing. I have no worries, & still encourage her to excel in music, giving 100% at all times, 'cos is her dream to be good at music.
Your daughter, at such a young age, is already so entrepreneur, which is nothing bad, actually, better than falling astray outside. So the more you should support & encourage her in what she is interested in doing currently, at the same time encourage her to manage her time properly to balance her school work at the same time. Adam Khoo & many successful entrepreneur didn't have a good academic history, yet their success is due to passion in what they are doing, & giving 100% in whatever they are passionate in doing.
In this complex world nowadays, even scholars with good academic achievements & high profile career positions also fall in grace ultimately. What matters most is...attitude. With good & correct attitude, nothing else matters. Survival will not be an issue. If my daughter improves by 0.5 marks for any subject for each & every semester, I congratulate her 'cos it shows she's determined to improve at all times, consistently. The marks itself does not matter. In western countries, students would be happy to just pass in their subjects. Ultimately, Asians students who top score in their schools still report to these \"just pass\" CEOs & CFOs in MNCs. Life is not just marks & nothing else but marks...is the process of getting the marks that matters.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/912220https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/912220Fri, 30 Nov 2012 15:21:19 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I have hothoused her? on Fri, 30 Nov 2012 14:23:23 GMT]]>My daughter performed below her expectation. I asked her if she would have preferred that I did what her friends’ mums did i.e. limit her leisure hours and activities, no phone calls, sms, lots of assessments and exam papers to practise. She said no but actually hesitated…


I do wonder if I should be more of a tiger mum especially when I know she can actually achieve. She’s like running at 85% of her ‘academic potential’. Right up to her PSLE, she would spend time on a blogshop she set up to sell her handicraft and also on making the little handicraft items. She had no tuition. She was naturally achieving top 10 in her class which was the top class in her school. I didn’t think I needed to do a lot with her for the PSLE.

What made me a bit more unsettled are comments and questions from her classmates’ mums (the proud ones who tagged along the class gathering to compare and boast). Their daughters had always been behind her but they did way better than she did in the PSLE. She was also a bit unsettled to be asked if she was disappointed and what school was she going to apply for. Some adults have no EQ.

I believe things happen for a reason. Just need a bit of airing of my thoughts. Sigh.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/912193https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/912193Fri, 30 Nov 2012 14:23:23 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I have hothoused her? on Tue, 27 Nov 2012 13:20:52 GMT]]>

MMM:
For CCA... dilemma dilemma... ds will be having SYF during his PSLE years (2014).... I wonder how this will affect him. He love his CCA and we are using that for DSA so he would be upset to quit but I really wonder how is he going to manage with SYF demands... Eg. he has SYF this year and clash with some of the enrichment classes, results suffered alittle during term 2. Fortunately pick up by term 4. But PSLE is Oct....
I'm a little extreme then. I opt my dd out of CCA totally 😉
She's already staying back in school twice to thrice a week. Compulsory.
With CCA, she would practically stay back in school the entire week! Insufficient rest time and I think may result in additional stress if she needs to rush to complete homework and projects due to lack of time.

Even her music persual was put on hold. Due to my oversight, she couldn't sit for grade 6 or 7 practical next year because I did not sign her up for grade 5 theory exam this year :stupid: Even if she go for theory exam next year, the earliest date she can sit for her grade 7 or 8 practical will be in P6 year which I think most parents would try to avoid. So I told her might as well take it slow now, no need to prep for grade 7 or 8 practical since I do not want her to divide her precious rest time further between psle prep and abrsm prep. Just play at leisure.

Possibly not a wise decision though. As I heard DSA prefers students who are all rounders. Without CCA or music certificate as proof, chances may be affected? Can't help then, because I'm really concerned about insufficient rest time. Bedtime at 9pm is not negotiable.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/909644https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/909644Tue, 27 Nov 2012 13:20:52 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I have hothoused her? on Tue, 27 Nov 2012 11:27:46 GMT]]>

MMM:
tutor_ng:

I had a student who achieved 180 for his Prelim. He managed to get 196 for PSLE.


I was praising her for making the improvement but when the parent saw the result, her face changed and immediately she started scolding the child for not meeting her expectation (which apparently means the child must achieve 23x to be able to enter a certain school).

Is it not enough that the child now managed to achieve a passing grade for all subjects (with 2 subjects getting A and B) when normally he could only manage Ds and Es?

I agree with you. The parents must have realistic expectation. If the child has always been getting 180, to get 196 for PSLE is indeed an improvement. The parents cannot expect miracles that the child can suddenly gain 50 points more for PSLE. That is not realistic. Either they have not been in touch with the kids' progress or they don't know how it works???

While dh felt that it's good so long as kids can get into express, I think otherwise. I felt that we should set target for the kids based on their abilities. Eg. for my P5 dd, I told her that if she can get 240 & above for PSLE, that is very good. Based on her P5, she is around 238 range. We will have to monitor her progress in P6 as well...

Meanwhile for ds, he is only P4 and I really can't tell until he is P5. But with a target school in mind, if he can get 235 I think that is very good for him. Based on the abilities, we cannot expect 250, 260 or even 270... To tell the child that... the child will just ignore you. I still believe in realistic target with alittle stretch. But those unrealistic ones... throw them out of the window. Just imagine... our boss give us a unrealistic target, we will not work hard towards it because we know it's unrealistic... why waste your time....


Well said. in management we use the SMART!
S= Specific
M= Measurable
A= Achieveable
R= Realistic
T= Target Time line

When I was in MNC before becoming SAHM, my boss wanted me to Triple the business in less 2.5 years. to grow the biz from $500m to $1.5bil. I told him to go do it himself and take a hike! Hence, since then, I am now very happy to be SAHM!

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/909551https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/909551Tue, 27 Nov 2012 11:27:46 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I have hothoused her? on Tue, 27 Nov 2012 11:22:04 GMT]]>

tutor_ng:
I had a student who achieved 180 for his Prelim. He managed to get 196 for PSLE.


I was praising her for making the improvement but when the parent saw the result, her face changed and immediately she started scolding the child for not meeting her expectation (which apparently means the child must achieve 23x to be able to enter a certain school).

Is it not enough that the child now managed to achieve a passing grade for all subjects (with 2 subjects getting A and B) when normally he could only manage Ds and Es?
I agree with you. The parents must have realistic expectation. If the child has always been getting 180, to get 196 for PSLE is indeed an improvement. The parents cannot expect miracles that the child can suddenly gain 50 points more for PSLE. That is not realistic. Either they have not been in touch with the kids' progress or they don't know how it works???

While dh felt that it's good so long as kids can get into express, I think otherwise. I felt that we should set target for the kids based on their abilities. Eg. for my P5 dd, I told her that if she can get 240 & above for PSLE, that is very good. Based on her P5, she is around 238 range. We will have to monitor her progress in P6 as well...

Meanwhile for ds, he is only P4 and I really can't tell until he is P5. But with a target school in mind, if he can get 235 I think that is very good for him. Based on the abilities, we cannot expect 250, 260 or even 270... To tell the child that... the child will just ignore you. I still believe in realistic target with alittle stretch. But those unrealistic ones... throw them out of the window. Just imagine... our boss give us a unrealistic target, we will not work hard towards it because we know it's unrealistic... why waste your time....

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/909547https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/909547Tue, 27 Nov 2012 11:22:04 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I have hothoused her? on Tue, 27 Nov 2012 10:43:33 GMT]]>the point is there is NO one size fits all… knows the limits of the child and just give unconditional support and love. Take the middle path… I have been consistently saying this. As responsible parents, we should know where is the limit and NOT to push to breaking point. Accept our child for WHO & what he/she is and NOT WHAT we want them to be... :grphug: exactly my point, time is changing, we can NOT impose or force upon our children unlike our parents time, if don't study, got caning! Or must study 3 hours regardless of you are sleepy or tired from CCAs…. :xedfingers:


I always inculcate values and bonding, there is a chinese proverb,\" if the base is not straight , the top will not be stable! \" Hence, I took every opportunity and take responsibility of my kids' behavior. Never blame peers influence or school for the kids' (mis)behavior. I lectures my DCs, if you misbehaved, it reflects on your upbringing, this is how others will judge your parents for not teaching you well. We seriously take responsibilities and not blaming others for my DCs reaction or behavior! Having said that, we all had read from newspaper, how the hair-cut boy's mother reacted and behaved! 😢 Even Minister Heng mentioned about it!

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/909522https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/909522Tue, 27 Nov 2012 10:43:33 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I have hothoused her? on Tue, 27 Nov 2012 09:06:49 GMT]]>I had a student who achieved 180 for his Prelim. He managed to get 196 for PSLE.


I was praising her for making the improvement but when the parent saw the result, her face changed and immediately she started scolding the child for not meeting her expectation (which apparently means the child must achieve 23x to be able to enter a certain school).

Is it not enough that the child now managed to achieve a passing grade for all subjects (with 2 subjects getting A and B) when normally he could only manage Ds and Es?

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/909386https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/909386Tue, 27 Nov 2012 09:06:49 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I have hothoused her? on Tue, 27 Nov 2012 06:37:26 GMT]]>

sammifan:
Dear MMM,


How is your DS' work? I do not believe that everything must come to a standstill all because of a Primary 6 exam. My elder DD swims competitively, and was training 3 times a week right up to PSLE. Her friend was swimming everyday and went on to get 25X.
We know of another girl who has just sat for her PSLE and was also training intensively all the way to PSLE and also went on to get 25X.
But when does SYF end? If it ends by June, just make sure he does consistent work and allow him to continue with his CCA. You will be amazed that his love for his CCA may spur him to want to study hard and well so that he does not miss his practices.
Hi,

Ds I would say is probably the 30-40 percentile of his school cohort type. At P4, he is getting something like between 75-85 range for all subjects. Boys being boys... ds is a typical boy. Not as discipline and as focus and handwriting is :mad: . During CA2, he missed a page of EL questions thereby costing him 10 marks :mad: I emphasized alot on checking.... I was really fuming... I had to watch him like a hawk.... We felt that there is no knowledge gap on his part but really his internal desire to do his best. Once that is turn on, the rest is history.

But I was quite happy with his P4 SA2 performance where he did 2 subjs in high 70's and 2 subj above 80 and the best part was he would call me right after school to tell me the \"good news\". The pride was there and we know he worked hard and yes, we know his gap and we had to strategize. Eg. we know his science section B sucks but for MCQ he is good. So I told him to try to score full marks for mcq and at least try to pass section B so he can at least get 80. He did that. I really hope he can sustain his SA2 momentum into P5. Though he did not make it to top 2-3 classes (like dd1) but I told him to work hard for top 3 in class. Probably more achievable since the good ones already moved to the same class. If he does that, he will probably felt the pride and more desire to do well in P6.

I actually felt stressed up because I think sec schools will look at P6 mid yr results for DSA too.... With SYF, the training demands are high and there are days where they will be till late that he might have to skip some of the enrichment classes. Also, they might have to leave the class 1-2 periods earlier due to rehearsal, etc... So I wonder how that will affect his PSLE. Actually I think ds performance in P5 will be a good gauge. I heard P5 to P6 jump will not be significantly. So if the child can survive P5, P6 is more predictable. Is that true???

For him, the target very clear. We are aiming for Maris Stella. The COP is 232 and their band is GWH. It's near our place. So it's like the best school for ds as alot of his primary band friends are there too... He love band and if I asked him to drop band... he would be very upset. So yes... i am using band to motivate him to work hard towards a decent PSLE score that allows him to make it to Maris Stella.

Frankly... reading the PSLE posting here about results followed by school choices is really :yikes: me out.... I also saw the disappointment in my sil and bil and feel for them as nephew just sat for PSLE and did 21+. School selection was the next problem. Spoke to bil who said that despite that he prepared for the worst, he was secretly hoping for some miracles. So nevertheless, he was still disappointed. I could fully understand and my heart goes out to them.

I told dh last night... I hope that next year when dd1 sits for PSLE, we are in a good position to make school choices. Hopefully she has a CO by then or her PSLE results allows her to go to her desired school. :xedfingers: 🙏

This PSLE thingy is just sooo stressful...

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/909136https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/909136Tue, 27 Nov 2012 06:37:26 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I have hothoused her? on Tue, 27 Nov 2012 05:31:56 GMT]]>

VALyap:
Thanks weather bee,

But now, my DD is independent to walk alone, she charts her own path or course. We don't impose our expectation on DD. We always give her unconditional support and love. To some some kiasuparents, we are MAD .

My concerns rather on our nation or society and not the education system! Many unrealistic parents imposing unrealistic & high expectation on their Children that stress the kids to breaking point. All parents will know their kids capabilities and abilities. If every kid can be rocket scientist, what kind of world it will be? not all kids will go to IP schools.

Even all cats are not the same breed! Cheetah can't be moulded or trained and turned into Lion! I know my little ones' capabilities & abilities and I accept who they are. I don't expect the little siblings to be like their elder sister who is in Raffles. Cause I accept every child is different and I am realistic. My eldest DD can compose poem b4 she is 5years old! Now the little siblings, going to be 7 yrs (2013), has yet to show that kind of potential. Lion will NEVER run as fast as Cheetah or Cheetah can NEver be as strong as Lion, that is a fact of nature!

Hence, I am realistic and accept my little ones for WHO they are and NOT what I expect them to be! :rahrah:
Just my 2 cents worth.......

It is hard to fault parents who invariably have their children interests at heart, even making big sacrifices. It is probably not about wanting to turn their \"cheetahs\" into \"lions\". I think you have heard this from CNN on numerous occasions during bad financial times: \"It is not about the people making the millions; it is about the millions just trying to make it\". The same analogy can be drawn to our competitive education system where it is not about students trying to make it to those few IP/IB schools; it is about the many just trying to make a decent grade to allow them to progress to decent sec schools and catch up or not fall too far behind. Perhaps some students/parents do aim for those few IP/IB schools but not all. Many probably just want to train their \"cheetahs\" to run true so that they will be able to catch their prey and feed themselves when they grow up and live among the \"lions\".

Just like hot-housing and rote learning. It is hard to begrudge parents in adopting some form of hot-housing/rote learning just so that their children don't stray too far off from academics. You are fortunate to have children who willingly follow you to parks etc. But you might just think differently if you have kids who prefer to dye their hair during holidays and just hang out, texting or tweeting all day long. And then there are children who does'nt know that the sun rises from the east and set in the west in P4, and introverts who are too afraid or shy to ask questions and learn or simply cannot do well in oral exams because of who they are.

What works for us may not work that well for others. Many agree that every child is different. Therefore, it follows that different methods and strategies would have to come into play to get the best out of a child. Its about striking the right balance without compromising on kinship. Its about not losing touch of reality at the same time. But when one is at a lost, all these can get thrown out of the window.

Time is changing. It is a cruel world out there. So the sooner our children learn this reality and be independent the better.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/909055https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/909055Tue, 27 Nov 2012 05:31:56 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I have hothoused her? on Mon, 26 Nov 2012 14:14:34 GMT]]>Thanks weather bee,

But now, my DD is independent to walk alone, she charts her own path or course. We don't impose our expectation on DD. We always give her unconditional support and love. To some some kiasuparents, we are MAD .

My concerns rather on our nation or society and not the education system! Many unrealistic parents imposing unrealistic & high expectation on their Children that stress the kids to breaking point. All parents will know their kids capabilities and abilities. If every kid can be rocket scientist, what kind of world it will be? not all kids will go to IP schools.

Even all cats are not the same breed! Cheetah can't be moulded or trained and turned into Lion! I know my little ones' capabilities & abilities and I accept who they are. I don't expect the little siblings to be like their elder sister who is in Raffles. Cause I accept every child is different and I am realistic. My eldest DD can compose poem b4 she is 5years old! Now the little siblings, going to be 7 yrs (2013), has yet to show that kind of potential. Lion will NEVER run as fast as Cheetah or Cheetah can NEver be as strong as Lion, that is a fact of nature!

Hence, I am realistic and accept my little ones for WHO they are and NOT what I expect them to be! :rahrah:

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/908519https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/908519Mon, 26 Nov 2012 14:14:34 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I have hothoused her? on Mon, 26 Nov 2012 12:45:52 GMT]]>

VALyap:
just sharing, we never practised hothousing our DD. I tell you a secret how we motivate DD to do well, most parents hear will be totally surprised. Below is our secret:


Well, firstly, there is always time for her to play = her favorite… Ballet class even up to P6, 3 times a week and 2 hours. (ballet ends at 8 to 10pm), Piano class… swimming. Every weekend, is family day, out in EAST Coast park or some museums or movies.

secondly, we never imposed her study hours, we just monitor, if she is tired, she can rest or even go to sleep!

Thirdly, the most shocking to some kiasu parents, Strictly NO STUDYING B4 day of exam! this we imposed strictly from P1 to P6, even during PSLE. While her classmate were still studying up to last minutes just b4 entering PSLE exam hall, she totally no books. Her classmates' & their parents were so surprised, and worried, asked her why like that? She just told them it's been like that since P1…

More shocking, the day B4 PSLE, we were at EAST Coast park cycling and flying kite! For some kiasuparents, they called us MAD…. But we just did it, so that DD can relax her mind to tackle PSLE the next day! B'cos, we told our DD, whatever she has done, Mummy & Papa has already prepared her since P1 to relax and ready for any exams! She has been prepared more than 6 yrs ago…hahaha

WHY? We believe, exam is about consistency, if you everyday diligently do your home work or study, you don't have to study like MAD during exam time!

KIDS need time to play , even today, she is in R, she plays hard… now is school holidays, she and her buddies still go back to school very often! they love their school very much….

Kids must be motivated to enjoy learning and NOT by rogue learning! :grphug:
Hahaha. I like the bolded line.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/908384https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/908384Mon, 26 Nov 2012 12:45:52 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I have hothoused her? on Sun, 25 Nov 2012 05:53:01 GMT]]>http://catalogue.nlb.gov.sg/cgi-bin/cw_cgi?fullRecord+31894+3002+14277847+1+0


The above is a book I'd like to share with you, written by a former jc teacher. From the title,it looks like one of the guide books out there. But there are actually some interesting insights from a teacher's perspective. He wrote about how parents race to put their children in top schools, only to find that the opportunities there are limited to the top students.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/906810https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/906810Sun, 25 Nov 2012 05:53:01 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I have hothoused her? on Sun, 25 Nov 2012 04:44:32 GMT]]>Dear Hope n Peace, I totally understand how you feel. We are exactly in the same situation and I share the same view point as you. Bonding, character development and giving my son his ‘childhood life’ is much more important than anything else.


My son’s T-score is very much below the COP of his dream school. In fact amongst all cousins and friends, he is the worst performer. My son is an average student, also someone who is not fantastic in his work.

Similarly, we also let him play computer games and watch youtube/TV after having done the practice papers/assessment books.

We stopped sending him to tuition classes as we realized that he did better in school exam when there is no tuition. We tried a few times, sending him for tuition classes (branded tuition centres, 1 to 1 tuition, etc) and each time, the results ended up failing the subject or borderline cases.

We decided to stop tuition and got him to do practice papers and assessment books and surprisely, his result was better. So, I conclude that whether tuition really help a child or not, it really depends on the individual child. So, it may not necessarily mean that you got to enrol her to tuition classes to get good result.

Tuition does not work on my child at all. It will only add on more stress to him as he had to struggle with his school work.

I do not regret my decision for choosing bonding over hothousing him. Yes, I am abit disappointed with his score but I know he has done his best. In fact, before the result release day, I was rather worried how my son will take it if he did not do well or if he fails his PSLE (cos he was sharing with me that the PSLE was more difficult than his school prelim).

I ever witnessed a child jumping out of a building near his school on PSLE result day. And it was very clear to me that the child must be too stressed up, worried that he might get scolding from his parents, etc that in the end, the child couldnt manage his psychology.

Since that incident, I told myself, this is something definitely I do not wish to see it happening to my son. As parents, we have to help them manage their mental well-being too as after all, they are just 12 years old.

I always believe that motivational teaching is very important for a child. In Singapore, life is already so stressful and competitive. We have to teach our child how to think positively and manage their pyschology from young so that when they move on to adult hood, they are prepared to face the stressful world. This is an important life teaching that a school cant teach. But parent can.

Now is the time for us to congrat our child for having gone through the PSLE phrase and to motivate our child to look forward and prepare for their Secondary phrase.

I agree with Sammifan that even if our child did not get into their dream school and they are posted to school with a lower COP, they are likely to get into one of the better classes, be recognised and excel there. I, myself, is a real life example.

I hope my long posting does not bored you down but I just want to share how I feel and congrats you for doing well as a parent. You are not alone. And your girl has done well.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/906758https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/906758Sun, 25 Nov 2012 04:44:32 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I have hothoused her? on Sun, 25 Nov 2012 03:46:46 GMT]]>in short, we need to understand and know the ability of our children. Every child is different in ability and aptitude! We have to manage our own expectation, always take the middle path. We are parents, we know when and where to stretch them, BUT not to their breaking point and REVOLT. We have to accept our child as who and what he/she is. And not we want him/her to be what she cannot be! Intervene where you deem is good, i.e… tuition when they really need it, if not needed, let them be., go with the flow. I always tell her Ah Mah, not to give stress to her cousins, b’cos DD’s Ah Mah like to compare why like that & like this.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/906713https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/906713Sun, 25 Nov 2012 03:46:46 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I have hothoused her? on Sun, 25 Nov 2012 03:26:18 GMT]]>

FireflyMom:

To be honest, I used to \"blame\" her for not hothousing us (my siblings and I) but after I have my kids, 将心比心，我还忍心怪她吗？And especially for the first child, we can't run away from trial-and-error. I made a lot of mistakes with my older child too and honestly, it was because I didn't give her tuition early enough. She only started having tuition for Math and Chinese at P6. She's in a top girls' school now and doing well but in retrospect, she said, she could have done better with help earlier. However, she has never blamed me and she even said it's like that for the first child but she gets all the good stuff first so it's a trade-off!

Take heart, learn from the mistakes so that we can do better for the younger ones but of course, in our hearts, we love them all the same! :grphug:
we didn't give son tuition for math and english early enough...which was why he had to learn the basics only at p6 ie this crucial year. time was so tight and it was like really very tough.

we also made a lot of mistakes and yes the first child enjoyed good stuff FIRST. with this, we are doing reflection and like what some parents mentioned, 'post mortem'...hothouse the younger one from now, so that she will be ready for P3 and in time to come, P5 and P6.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/906699https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/906699Sun, 25 Nov 2012 03:26:18 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I have hothoused her? on Sun, 25 Nov 2012 03:22:51 GMT]]>

Hope n Peace:

As for my younger one, he looks so adorable that I can't bear to hothouse him!
You made hotshousing sound like some sort of abuse/torture (you're not talking about the extreme form, right?)! So if your younger one doesn't look adorable, you'll hothouse him huh? 😆

Just teasing you, dear.. :evil:

My take on tuition/enrichment is still : every child is different. If your child likes the extra push or challenge, by all means! Always monitor the child's stress level. If the child dreads going to classes or shows signs of fatigue, it's time to re-evaluate the time-table.

Hope and Peace, you're a great mom. Give yourself a pat on the back :salute:

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/906696https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/906696Sun, 25 Nov 2012 03:22:51 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I have hothoused her? on Sun, 25 Nov 2012 03:07:39 GMT]]>

Hope n Peace:

Should I have hothoused her? I had tried to be more relaxed on her mainly because I was hothoused before by my mother and it really strained our relationship. Up till today, it is still strained as the bond just isn't there. Because of this, my philosophy for my kids has always been that building a bond with them is more important than anything else as it will give them life-long happiness.
Dear Hope and Peace,

Children, unfortunately, do not come with an instruction manual. Please do not be too hard on yourself. Personally, I feel that being a parent is so scary. It's like I'm \"playing\" with another person's life and if I made a wrong decision, it's another person's life that I'm messing with! We do what we think it's best for our kids. On the same token, please do not bear any grudge against your mom. She had your best interest at heart. She did what she thought was best for you! My mom was the other extreme. She was not pushy at all and I really wish she had been! We could come home with horrible results and she would always say, \"so long as you're not the last in class, it's good enough for me!\" :faint:
To be honest, I used to \"blame\" her for not hothousing us (my siblings and I) but after I have my kids, 将心比心，我还忍心怪她吗？And especially for the first child, we can't run away from trial-and-error. I made a lot of mistakes with my older child too and honestly, it was because I didn't give her tuition early enough. She only started having tuition for Math and Chinese at P6. She's in a top girls' school now and doing well but in retrospect, she said, she could have done better with help earlier. However, she has never blamed me and she even said it's like that for the first child but she gets all the good stuff first so it's a trade-off!

Take heart, learn from the mistakes so that we can do better for the younger ones but of course, in our hearts, we love them all the same! :grphug:

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/906681https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/906681Sun, 25 Nov 2012 03:07:39 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Should I have hothoused her? on Sun, 25 Nov 2012 02:50:40 GMT]]>

Hope n Peace:
Hi all


From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank everyone for your kind comments. Although there is still a lingering pain, dd and I are feeling better now.

For the past two days, we have been actively researching on schools which are suitable for her and attending open houses. Interestingly, in the process of doing so, we realize that the the most suitable school may not be the one with the highest COP that matches dd's t-score. There are many other factors to consider. Told dd that it may very well be a blessing in disguise that she is where she is now. It may be self-rationalization and self-consolation at work 😂 , but I am beginning to believe it myself!

I did a post-mortem of this whole PSLE process with hubby and he thinks that we could not have pushed dd more, as she'd probably revolt given that she's so strong-willed. The comforting thing is that yesterday, I spotted her doing research on Sec 1 assessment/guide books! Hopefully this self-motivation will be sustained throughout her school-life. As for my younger one, he looks so adorable that I can't bear to hothouse him! With the experience with helping dd, I am in a better position now to monitor and coach him, from a much earlier stage. So, yes, I think we will be fine 😄

We just give our best support and unconditional love to guide our children. The passion to learn MUST come from the child. Not us, always take the middle path . We are just a compass, learning must be self-motivated. Just like a ship, the captain charts its course, Not the compass! Learning can be thru play = experential learning. AS SAHM,was like a taxi driver, sending DD to dancing classes 3 times a week, fish farm, parks & gardens and changi airport! Use opportunities of visiting these places to explain (learning thru playing )science or math, life cycle , etc. Did all coaching as SAHM, no tuition all the way to PSLE.

Even now, we discussed and let her choose her yr 3 subjects combi. Though, she have certain subjects (GPA 4.0), we let her decide and follow her passion in learning. In the end, DD chose subjects that she did not get GPA 4.0, we told her to follow her passion, she is the one taking the exams not mum or papa! We just want her to enjoy learning rather than just studying to get good GPA! DD is the captain of her own journey, we are just her GPS! She has to chart her own path towards her life long journey and be happy with her decisions.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/906662https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/906662Sun, 25 Nov 2012 02:50:40 GMT