A mother's letter to her daughter...

Reply to A mother's letter to her daughter... on Sun, 14 Oct 2012 07:37:24 GMT

Imami — Sun, 14 Oct 2012 07:37:24 GMT

And if I can add, 妈妈的嘴也是用来亲亲，教导的。别只是骂声连连。

Reply to A mother's letter to her daughter... on Fri, 12 Oct 2012 06:36:07 GMT

Imami — Fri, 12 Oct 2012 06:36:07 GMT

The original post brought much pain. It reminded me of the dark period of my life, during which my little one was barely out of his toddlerhood. Young children… they are no less sensitive or emotional than the adults but yet, they could conceal their inner feelings much better than most adults. In their little frames, they have the biggest hearts and the purest love one can find. Theirs is the truly unconditional love.

This is very well said
妈妈的手是用来爱孩子的，不是用来打的。打只能打在屁屁上。过了10岁，不能再打了。想要改变孩子，先改变你们之间的关系。到了10岁之后，关系要代替权柄。

And I absolutely agree that 10 YO is the magic number. At least for myself. These days children matures earlier, perhaps the 10YO gotta brought forward.

Reply to A mother's letter to her daughter... on Fri, 12 Oct 2012 03:31:32 GMT

Pattyhong — Fri, 12 Oct 2012 03:31:32 GMT

妈妈的手是用来爱孩子的，不是用来打的。打只能打在屁屁上。过了10岁，不能再打了。想要改变孩子，先改变你们之间的关系。到了10岁之后，关系要代替权柄。

Mother’s hands use to hug kids,not to beat them.if you want to beat them if they do something ,use a stick beat at the hip covered with cloth.change your relationship before you use your authority when they 10years old above.
Sorry for my poor English.

Reply to A mother's letter to her daughter... on Mon, 10 Aug 2009 07:52:58 GMT

PlayfulFairy — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 07:52:58 GMT

This is a poignant article.

Sometimes, I am so tired and stressed by all the work that I neglect my dd’s feelings too… Must constantly remind myself to be reasonable and calm in dealing with misbehaviour…

Reply to A mother's letter to her daughter... on Fri, 07 Aug 2009 07:11:07 GMT

shizta — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 07:11:07 GMT

Hi AnalectsReader

It was very touching to read about your article... I actually had tears in my eyes...

Now come to think of it, I had many incidents asking my girl to go & sleep on her own cos I need to finish some stuff etc.

Never came across my mind that little kids will feel this way. Maybe I should just spend a little extra time in getting her to sleep (she always wants me to sing song to her & she really like me to sayang her on her head)

Kids may not understand why we are so frustrated & tired after a long day's work. They just want some hugs & kisses plus some individual time.

一言惊醒梦中人！

Reply to A mother's letter to her daughter... on Fri, 07 Aug 2009 03:47:19 GMT

acforfamily — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 03:47:19 GMT

AnalectsReader:

原谅我, 给我机会改进...在妳的心变硬之前, 让我学会做一个, 够好的妈妈.

AnalectsReader,
This really touched me.

Reply to A mother's letter to her daughter... on Fri, 07 Aug 2009 01:27:15 GMT

Luanee — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 01:27:15 GMT

AnalectsReader, first I must say ur ‘letter’ was indeed very touching. It brought tears to my eyes while reading it in office! Luckily no one was around.

Just 2 days ago, I was nagging my dd to go to bed (in a harsh tone) as usual. And she asked me "mummy why are u always so fierce?" Although I have never slapped or beat her, I can get quite impatient and harsh at times, even over small things. After reading ur article, I realised a bit of patience is all we need. I am glad that yesterday, I put her to bed without much chiding and she fell asleep on my thighs peacefully.

Talk about discipline, was quite shocked to read in the newspapers yesterday that it is an offence to beat a child in NZ.

Reply to A mother's letter to her daughter... on Fri, 07 Aug 2009 01:01:35 GMT

tamarind — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 01:01:35 GMT

AnalectsReader,

That mommy probably beat the boy since he was a baby. That's why he was expressionless.

I have heard of a mommy who wrote in another forum, that she smacked her 8 month old baby because she was angry that the baby bit her when breastfeeding. The mommy insisted that she has done nothing wrong.

Another day I saw a mommy with a girl who was around 1 year old. The girl walked away by herself, and the mommy was very angry. She went to the girl and hit her very hard on her legs. The little girl, who was very skinny, immediately fell onto the floor. She cried loudly, but the mother showed no emotions. I felt so terrible.

One day my SIL brought her daughter, about 3 years old at that time. Her daughter at first gave a lollipop to my boy as a gift. But the little girl changed her mind and insisted to have the lollipop back. My SIL was very angry and slapped her really hard. The little girl cried pitifully. I felt sorry for the girl, my SIL should not have done that. She actually worked as a teacher at a childcare centre, one that charges $800 for half day !

I am glad to find a like minded parent like you. I am strongly against caning/beating as a method of discipline for young children. Actually I posted another thread in this forum:

Spare the rod and spoil the child
http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1514&start=0

58% of the parents in this forum think that caning is necessary.

I never cane my kids. They are quite reasonably well behaved. But I do yell at them when they mis-behaved. My almost 5 year old boy is not scared of my yelling at all. I don't yell at him very often lah.

My 6 year old girl does the same thing as your girl.

For example, yesterday, her younger brother was sitting on a chair, and she abruptly pulled on the chair. That caused my boy to fall right off the chair onto the floor. I was really angry and screamed at her, I think the entire 16 storey block could hear me. She cried quietly. But I knew very well it is not because of me yelling at her. I believe that she realized that she did something wrong, and she was regretting it. I left her alone to cry. About 1 hour later, she came back smiling at me.

Reply to A mother's letter to her daughter... on Thu, 06 Aug 2009 17:25:23 GMT

AnalectsReader — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 17:25:23 GMT

I’ve been pondering for the whole day what I witnessed this afternoon.

I do not know if it’s "God’s will" to make me witness the incident? or, it’s just pure coincidence (… talk about coincidence, I read a saying "coincidence is the God’s way of remaining(?) anonymous")?

When I came out from the MRT station this afternoon, I heard a "piak" sound from a corner. I turned around, and I saw a woman slapping a boy (her son, i guessed)! I was taken aback, as "slapping" is one of the issues we have been discussing about under this thread for the past few days.

As the boy’s back is facing me, I couldn’t see the expression on his face. I could see the facial expression of the woman though…stern…cold…

Then when I walked pass them, I heard the woman said:"…don’t you dare to talk back to me…" it’s by then I had a chance to have a glimpse of the boy… to my surprise, his face was expressionless!

Why? The boy is about 8 or 9 yo…how come he could looked expressionless when he was slapped in a public place? Does that implies that, he’s gotten used to it and he feels nothing anymore?

In my mind another boy’s image flashed back…it was years ago when I was passing by a Mc-Donald, there was a woman YELLING at a boy, also age around 8-9 yo. Her voice was so loud that the whole street could hear her lion-roar. The boy covered his cheek with his hand and he was… shivering. He was not crying aloud though… but tears were rolling down his cheeks. His eyes…were filled with… despair.

I couldn’t stop it but tears welled up in my eyes each and every time I recall this scene. Does this mother not love her son? or she simply doesn’t know HOW to love her son? …

Ironically after year(s), I saw the same expression on my daughter’s face.
It was me, snarling at her in a coffee shop, simply because she refused to finish her meal.
I didn’t slap her, but the yelling was already WAY TOO MUCH for a 2 year-old to take. She looked at me quietly as her eyes turned red…and tears just rolled down her cheeks. She tried to hold back her tears, but she simply couldn’t.
She stared at me for so long that, I couldn’t bring myself to look into her eyes anymore. I’ll never forget that…despair in her eyes.

Reply to A mother's letter to her daughter... on Thu, 06 Aug 2009 11:33:58 GMT

AnalectsReader — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 11:33:58 GMT

Fluffy:
... Please help! Should I leave her alone for awhile or should I do something about it? Have tried talking to her but didn't help much...

Hey Fluffy, pls consider visiting Skippy's blog.

Reply to A mother's letter to her daughter... on Thu, 06 Aug 2009 11:30:44 GMT

AnalectsReader — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 11:30:44 GMT

I personally find that Skippy's blog provides many good pointers to us parents.

You may find these helpful:-

Healthy Boundaries Healthy Kids http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/healthy-boundaries-healthy-kids

Listening to Your Teenager http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/listening-your-teenager

Bringing Up Compassionate Children http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/bringing-compassionate-children

Problem Solving With Kids http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/problem-solving-kids

Alternatives To Punishment http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/alternatives-punishment

Reply to A mother's letter to her daughter... on Thu, 06 Aug 2009 10:49:40 GMT

AnalectsReader — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 10:49:40 GMT

daisyt:
After cooling down, I had a talk with my girl, she knew her mistakes and I also aware of my wrong. Eventually, the most important is to draw out a limit and both of us are aware of each other's limit.

:congrats:
...feel so happy for both of u....

Reply to A mother's letter to her daughter... on Thu, 06 Aug 2009 10:45:37 GMT

AnalectsReader — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 10:45:37 GMT

daisyt:

I still manage to hold back and not slap her (I have never slap or beat her before)

.

I admire u having the self-control to hold back...if not, i can imagine your Kudos points in your DD's heartbank might drastically drop to 0 ...

[quote]---how can a slap be consider abuse ?... :|[/quote]To me, a slap without a reasonable/ valid reason is considered abuse.

Having said so, I have this question for myself: if someone slapped me with a valid reason, what will I think and how will I feel?
My answer is : Logically I might think it's right to slap me but emotionally I will definitely feel humiliated :oops: (will someone who loves me try to humiliate me?? :(...this someone might be \"right\", but does he/she cares abt my feeling??...)

Thus, in order to defend my ego, will i accept your valid reason wholeheartedly?
and will I choose out of my own will not to repeat the same mistake again?

After all, I think the heart of the matter is the matter of the heart.

Reply to A mother's letter to her daughter... on Thu, 06 Aug 2009 10:07:58 GMT

AnalectsReader — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 10:07:58 GMT

sashimi:
...When my daughter grows up, one of you must do me a favour and tell her how rare I am ah. Medium rare is fine.

HaHaHa U sure r humourous :rotflmao:
i wonder if this medium rare sashimi is edible...
:drool: then :faint: ??!!!!

Reply to A mother's letter to her daughter... on Thu, 06 Aug 2009 10:04:17 GMT

AnalectsReader — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 10:04:17 GMT

ChiefKiasu:

...Go participate in our first ever http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?t=4752 by submitting a Scary story

Urr...U mean to write a story abt :siao: MYSELF ?
haha thank u very much though...

ChiefKiasu:
...As for san zi jing, have to wait until the birdpark imports them from China, or gets a Chinese PRC to coach the existing birds...

...I feel so inferior...my brain might be so new (seldom use lor) that i could recite only small part of san zi jing after like... 1 yr?...not even better than some parrots, tiny brains...

... from brain-new clueless newbie

Reply to A mother's letter to her daughter... on Thu, 06 Aug 2009 03:26:42 GMT

sashimi — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 03:26:42 GMT

daisyt:
sashimi:
Fellow parents, we must work harder to teach our kids that they can't get away with this outrageous \"hit me and it's abuse\" idea that has evolved over recent years. If this goes on, it will be chaos!

How ? She is alrdy 13yo. :?

I confess - I don't know. My oldest only daughter is 7 years old. I will not dare to say I have any true experience dealing with a teen.

It took me the better part of this 7 years to come to the conclusion that the Western concept of discipline via reasoning/hands-off/respect can go too far. A parent, in principle, has wisdom and experience far far ahead of a small child. One CANNOT respect all of child's wishes. That can lead to serious problems later on.

It's not that I beat my daughter - in all her life I think I've only hit her once, and that was when I was really really pissed and I lost control.

Beginning this year, I have begun scaling down the \"reasoning\" bit. When I discipline or order my daughter to do something, I tend to command more and request less. Reasons given once, and no further argument.

I find it ridiculous for a 7-year-old to have extended \"discussions\" with a parent on why she should do this or that. This should not be allowed. If it is allowed, the child will grow up thinking that she can argue and reason her way out of anything. That includes the \"hit me and I can sue you\" idea. She is giving you pause to reason the cost of the hit.

My purpose is not to create conflict or cause a rift in our relationship. I do this only because I'm confident my daughter still loves me. Although I can't say how it'll be like when she reaches her rebellious teens. I'd rather she get used to discipline now than turn into some of the horribly undisciplinable teens (AND ADULTS) that I see from time to time.

Reply to A mother's letter to her daughter... on Thu, 06 Aug 2009 02:08:03 GMT

pandan — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 02:08:03 GMT

Hi Fluffy,

Its not true that co-ed schools students have more bgr issues. My son is a Sec 1 all boys school student and he is having a girlfriend now. The girl kept asking him to go out for lunch and outing. She also calls every night for at least one hour. I tried to reason with him but he insists that he is matured enough to handle relationship. I am pretty upset at times.

Reply to A mother's letter to her daughter... on Thu, 06 Aug 2009 01:37:53 GMT

daisyt — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 01:37:53 GMT

After cooling down, I had a talk with my girl, she knew her mistakes and I also aware of my wrong. Eventually, the most important is to draw out a limit and both of us are aware of each other’s limit.

Reply to A mother's letter to her daughter... on Thu, 06 Aug 2009 01:14:21 GMT

Fluffy — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 01:14:21 GMT

jedamum:
Fluffy:
Some said its because she is undergoing puberty and hormonal changes. Please help! Should I leave her alone for awhile or should I do something about it? Have tried talking to her but didn't help much.

Fluffy,
I think this 2 threads should be useful to you.
http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2915&start=0
http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3651
mods, you may want to consider merging the above 2 topics with Fluffy's query. TQ

Thank you very much Jedamum. Looks like I am not alone and I am learning how to handle from those valuable experiences. I think I have to be extra patient and understanding but yet be firmed with her. I must spend more 1 to 1 leisure time with her instead of nagging her on her work and lecturing on her behaviour all the time. One thing for sure, my husband feels its important to be in All girls sec sch as this will delay any bgr problems. Initially, I thought its rubbish as I did not have such problem when I was in a Co-ed sec sch but perhaps now understand better after hearing from friends whose children in Sec 1 co-ed and already having bgr issues.

Reply to A mother's letter to her daughter... on Wed, 05 Aug 2009 16:18:38 GMT

jedamum — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 16:18:38 GMT

Fluffy:
Some said its because she is undergoing puberty and hormonal changes. Please help! Should I leave her alone for awhile or should I do something about it? Have tried talking to her but didn't help much.

Fluffy,
I think this 2 threads should be useful to you.
http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2915&start=0
http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3651
mods, you may want to consider merging the above 2 topics with Fluffy's query. TQ

Reply to A mother's letter to her daughter... on Wed, 05 Aug 2009 15:23:56 GMT

Fluffy — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 15:23:56 GMT

I am one of the parents who sometimes lost her cool with my children. Lately, has been upset with my P5 daughter who seems to become more temperamental and rude. She used to be very sweet, obedient and polite. Just want to know if any parents out there have similar age child who seems to change their behaviour drastically over a few months. Some said its because she is undergoing puberty and hormonal changes. Please help! Should I leave her alone for awhile or should I do something about it? Have tried talking to her but didn’t help much.

Reply to A mother's letter to her daughter... on Wed, 05 Aug 2009 10:03:35 GMT

daisyt — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 10:03:35 GMT

sashimi:
Fellow parents, we must work harder to teach our kids that they can't get away with this outrageous \"hit me and it's abuse\" idea that has evolved over recent years. If this goes on, it will be chaos!

How ? She is alrdy 13yo. :?

Reply to A mother's letter to her daughter... on Wed, 05 Aug 2009 10:02:43 GMT

daisyt — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 10:02:43 GMT

Exactly sashimi ! Although I am the type of parent who never believe in canning and beating but this concept of "slap = abuse" is not right. I told her, I was wrong but her attitute also not correct too.

I seriously must have another talk with her.

Reply to A mother's letter to her daughter... on Wed, 05 Aug 2009 10:00:36 GMT

Busymom — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 10:00:36 GMT

AnalectsReader:
Busymom:
Think the title of this thread not right. It's a letter to her daughter...

err... the title u mean this one?孩子的心是敏感,柔软的...请小心处理...
It's my original title :oops:
ChiefKiasu:
Original Title: Well know secret: ChiefKiasu knows little Chinese :oops:

Actually ChiefKiasu was using this title: A Mother's Letter To Her Son. He didn't know you meant it for your daughter :lol: