<![CDATA[Concerned Grandparents?]]>Hi all,


This is our first time in a forum so please bear with us.

We have a problem that I want to share and hope maybe you can also share your experiences and perhaps advise on what we can do.

We have 3 daughters (12, 10 and 3). They also have grandparents who care and dote on them. Unfortunately, they have a bad habit of comparing the grandkids with one another (and with other kids) and imposing their ideas on us.

For example; the grandparents have been hounding us to give them tuition simply because other kids are doing it. Their explanation was "The whole of Singapore are doing it!". Every time when we meet up for dinner, we will always be the subject of discussion, i.e. they will keep telling us to send our kids for tuition. We have already explained to them that the school where our daughters are in is already conducting supplementary classes to help the students cope. That in itself is tuition. However, they only replied that the schools are merely putting up a show.

In the recent PSLE in 2012, our daughter obtained a score lower than her cousins. For a month, the grandparents dwelled in anger and gave us the silent treatment (even with the grandkids). Their complaint was that we did not send her to tuition classes, thus the lower PSLE score. Now that they have thawed, but the we are still the subject of discussion in every dinner meet ups. It makes us feel very small both as parents and as grandkids.

Please share if you have encountered such problems and perhaps advise us, what we can do to improve the situation. We love our daughters and we want them to develop their best, their talents, their preferred dreams. We do not want to conform to the ways of the world and give tuition just because others are doing it.

Thanks!

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/topic/48071/concerned-grandparentsRSS for NodeSun, 26 Apr 2026 22:08:18 GMTTue, 25 Dec 2012 09:54:53 GMT60<![CDATA[Reply to Concerned Grandparents? on Sat, 29 Dec 2012 13:24:23 GMT]]>My mum is domineering (even my colleagues listening to my side of the conversation knows, my friends who visited my home feels the same), my husband was brought up with minimal boundaries and my daughter is strong-willed. This makes the atmosphere in my home highly charged.


Used to be better when kids are younger but it gets more difficult as the way of interacting with the kids is different at a different stage of their life and my mum does not understand that. With kids getting older, they do answer or fight back if they disagree.

My kids are under the care of a physchologist (for the last few years) to ensure their emotional well-being as well as to check my blind corners. We go as regularly as every 3 weeks if I have the time.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/925764https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/925764Sat, 29 Dec 2012 13:24:23 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Concerned Grandparents? on Fri, 28 Dec 2012 08:07:38 GMT]]>Maybe you could speak in advance to the grandparents, and suggest that schoolwork/tuition not be mentioned in front of the kids? Say that your kids are feeling bad about the constant comparisons. They may agree for the grandchildren’s sakes. Alternatively, is there another elder in the family who could act as an intermediary to speak on your bahalf? I don’t know if this will work - I know that it would make things worse in my family as my father is considered the ‘head’ (only son in his generation), but it may help in your case?

================================================

Thanks for the advise. Unfortunately, there are no other "elders" that can mediate on our behalf. Amongst the siblings, my wife and I are the eldest (e.g. and that does not make it any easier).

However, my wife and I have already decided to pull the grandparents aside and speak to them if this is to happen again. We will try to be as diplomatic as possible. If they take offence or refuse to accept what we say, then there is really nothing much we can do. At the same time, we are also explaining to our kids what this competitive world is all about and what is the right attitude they should carry. This is probably the best way we know how to help our kids.


Thanks!

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/925161https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/925161Fri, 28 Dec 2012 08:07:38 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Concerned Grandparents? on Fri, 28 Dec 2012 07:12:56 GMT]]>Thank you very much for your encouragement and advise.


I fully agree that parents have the final say in the children upbringing, and not any one else. It is definitely a difficult art in "reminding" the old folks of this fundamental truth tactfully without having to hurt their feelings or offend them.

We have been called "rebellious" all because we do not make tuition a way of life for our kids, like the rest of their cousins. It looks like we have been looked upon as clueless parents and we need to be taught on how to bring up our 3 kids. It is plain ridiculous to subject our kids to tuition just because other kids are doing it (e.g. this parent claimed this tuition teacher is good, so we much hire this tuition teacher!). We must understand where are our kids’ weak points, check with their teachers and determine if tuition does help. Unfortunately the many parents do not see it that way. Sad, isn’t it?

We are having another dinner engagement with them tomorrow evening and we shiver at that thought. However, for the sake of keeping peace, we will still attend and try to make it a touch-and-go.

Keeping our fingers crossed then!

Thanks again for writing in. It does provide each and every one of us a sense of relief and encouragement, knowing that we are not alone.

Cheers!

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/925123https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/925123Fri, 28 Dec 2012 07:12:56 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Concerned Grandparents? on Fri, 28 Dec 2012 04:14:08 GMT]]>I guess it all boils down to the family dynamics. In this respect, we have it better than some. The grandparents and extended families have the understanding that we want to build and not destroy the family bond. Every member is important.


We respect our elders and defer to them. We close our eyes and ears to many things, and let them feel their opinion still matters. Give face. To be fair, they give us space. We are in it together and for the long haul.

Off topic but the SMS have played an important role to let off steam. When there are words we can’t say to their faces, we SMS tactfully. So far it has worked out well for us.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/925002https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/925002Fri, 28 Dec 2012 04:14:08 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Concerned Grandparents? on Fri, 28 Dec 2012 03:29:16 GMT]]>I can be quite defiant, so I would tell them firmly \"let's not discuss school work at the dining table\". If they persisted, I would repeat again \"thought I said to drop it??\" I would do this to my parents, and my hubby would do this to his parents. And the offline, I would tell my parents off that I do not like them to interfere in the way we coach our children, if they can't give us our space, then expect to see us less, and I would be prepared to skip a few visits to drive home my point. Action speaks louder than words. :evil:

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/924972https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/924972Fri, 28 Dec 2012 03:29:16 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Concerned Grandparents? on Fri, 28 Dec 2012 03:13:57 GMT]]>

slmkhoo:
3Boys:

[quote=\"Happy Parents\"]

In fact, during dinner gatherings, we would just smile and \"one ear in one ear out\". The only painful part is that our children are always talked about on the dinner table, even when the other cousins are around. It made us family looked like being clueless while others are all well ahead.

That's below the belt, downright manipulative behaviour. You might want to insist that this stop, not good for your kids or your authority.

I agree. I told my father (the main culprit) that if he wished to discuss my children, we should do it when they are not present. I phrased it as 'for the kids' sake' as it's not good for their emotional well-being and self-esteem, and it undermines our family discipline. Thankfully he agreed though it doesn't stop him from complaining to me now and again. Actually, even that has stopped now, but he has hardly spoken to me for about 2 yrs now even though he talks to my kids on the phone weekly and we meet every week when we are in Singapore. If he had continued to criticise our kids and our family in front of the kids, my husband was ready for our family to walk out of family dinners, which would have made things even more uncomfortable. It seems ridiculous to me that how we choose to educate our kids should cause such a rift in a family, but it has. We still believe that parents need to make the final decision, not grandparents.[/quote]Yep. And you don't want your kids to be feeling inferior to their cousins. I did pretty well in school but my cousins were astronomically good and it was irritating to be compared all the time :mad: :mad:

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/924964https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/924964Fri, 28 Dec 2012 03:13:57 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Concerned Grandparents? on Fri, 28 Dec 2012 01:05:14 GMT]]>

Happy Parents:


In fact, during dinner gatherings, we would just smile and \"one ear in one ear out\". The only painful part is that our children are always talked about on the dinner table, even when the other cousins are around. It made us family looked like being clueless while others are all well ahead.
That's below the belt, downright manipulative behaviour. You might want to insist that this stop, not good for your kids or your authority.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/924869https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/924869Fri, 28 Dec 2012 01:05:14 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Concerned Grandparents? on Wed, 26 Dec 2012 10:44:12 GMT]]>Thank you all very much for your sharing. My wife and I are glad that we are not alone.


In fact, we have considered very carefully what our parents have "suggested" but if we decided in other ways, we did explain why we are doing what we are doing for our kids, but they just do not want to listen and insist their ways are correct.

In fact, during dinner gatherings, we would just smile and "one ear in one ear out". The only painful part is that our children are always talked about on the dinner table, even when the other cousins are around. It made us family looked like being clueless while others are all well ahead.

I guess at the end of the day, there are pros and cons in each method. However, it is us parents who will make the final call and not others, even grandparents.

So share and advise.

Thanks!

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/924061https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/924061Wed, 26 Dec 2012 10:44:12 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Concerned Grandparents? on Wed, 26 Dec 2012 10:22:59 GMT]]>Thank you all very much for your sharing. My wife and I are glad that we are not alone.


In fact, we have considered very carefully what our parents have "suggested" but if we decided in other ways, we did explain why we are doing what we are doing for our kids, but they just do not want to listen and insist their ways are correct.

In fact, during dinner gatherings, we would just smile and "one ear in one ear out". The only painful part is that our children are always talked about on the dinner table, even when the other cousins are around. It made us family looked like being clueless while others are all well ahead.

I guess at the end of the day, there are pros and cons in each method. However, it is us parents who will make the final call and not others, even grandparents.

So share and advise.

Thanks!

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/924046https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/924046Wed, 26 Dec 2012 10:22:59 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Concerned Grandparents? on Wed, 26 Dec 2012 09:55:28 GMT]]>

Nebbermind:
Imami:

Ha, mine is a total opposite. My fil insisted that enrichment classes would be a total waste of time. He felt that since HIS kids did not go for any, HIS grandkids need not too. In order to have more time with my son, he actually told me to drop my son's classes. :slapshead:


I feel like telling my fil sometimes, that my son is not a toy that I shd make available for him (fil) as and when he wants. He (my son) is a person in his own right and he should be given the chance to pursue his interest (ie enrichment classes) where possible.

We sometimes find the grandparents steping across the line and we don't like it. Do bear in mind that they have the best-est intention at heart, even though what they say sometimes don't make sense. For this reason, I haven't told my fil that my son is not a toy :rotflmao:

yours not even in kindy yet, right?

Right. But er... So? :?

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/924034https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/924034Wed, 26 Dec 2012 09:55:28 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Concerned Grandparents? on Wed, 26 Dec 2012 07:11:01 GMT]]>

Imami:
Ha, mine is a total opposite. My fil insisted that enrichment classes would be a total waste of time. He felt that since HIS kids did not go for any, HIS grandkids need not too. In order to have more time with my son, he actually told me to drop my son's classes. :slapshead:


I feel like telling my fil sometimes, that my son is not a toy that I shd make available for him (fil) as and when he wants. He (my son) is a person in his own right and he should be given the chance to pursue his interest (ie enrichment classes) where possible.

We sometimes find the grandparents steping across the line and we don't like it. Do bear in mind that they have the best-est intention at heart, even though what they say sometimes don't make sense. For this reason, I haven't told my fil that my son is not a toy :rotflmao:
yours not even in kindy yet, right?

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/923925https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/923925Wed, 26 Dec 2012 07:11:01 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Concerned Grandparents? on Wed, 26 Dec 2012 07:01:51 GMT]]>Ha, mine is a total opposite. My fil insisted that enrichment classes would be a total waste of time. He felt that since HIS kids did not go for any, HIS grandkids need not too. In order to have more time with my son, he actually told me to drop my son's classes. :slapshead:


I feel like telling my fil sometimes, that my son is not a toy that I shd make available for him (fil) as and when he wants. He (my son) is a person in his own right and he should be given the chance to pursue his interest (ie enrichment classes) where possible.

We sometimes find the grandparents steping across the line and we don't like it. Do bear in mind that they have the best-est intention at heart, even though what they say sometimes don't make sense. For this reason, I haven't told my fil that my son is not a toy :rotflmao:

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/923922https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/923922Wed, 26 Dec 2012 07:01:51 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Concerned Grandparents? on Wed, 26 Dec 2012 05:58:01 GMT]]>

3Boys:
Ultimately, you are the responsible party for your child's upbringing. The grandparents do need to let go, it isn't really their business. However, it does not mean that one should close one's ears to advice and alternate points of view. Perhaps you could consider having a good thorough (and unemotional) discussion on their desire for tuition? Be open minded, you might surprise yourself, and if it's had a good airing perhaps it will draw the sting from their criticism at the very least?


But tell them to keep away from the discussion at dinner time in front of the kids, it can only harden positions.
Agree to the highlighted part. Perhaps granny felt that the child have some unearthed potential and is currently underperforming, or they didn't want you to leave it till too late if they sense that intervention is required.
Not sure how are your kids performing but, like 3boys said...keep an open mind about it. 😄

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/923886https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/923886Wed, 26 Dec 2012 05:58:01 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Concerned Grandparents? on Wed, 26 Dec 2012 05:27:29 GMT]]>Ultimately, you are the responsible party for your child’s upbringing. The grandparents do need to let go, it isn’t really their business. However, it does not mean that one should close one’s ears to advice and alternate points of view. Perhaps you could consider having a good thorough (and unemotional) discussion on their desire for tuition? Be open minded, you might surprise yourself, and if it’s had a good airing perhaps it will draw the sting from their criticism at the very least?


But tell them to keep away from the discussion at dinner time in front of the kids, it can only harden positions.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/923864https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/923864Wed, 26 Dec 2012 05:27:29 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Concerned Grandparents? on Tue, 25 Dec 2012 13:29:34 GMT]]>Hi Happy Parents, you are not alone. Am guessing that the old folks find it difficult to let go and like to provide unsolicited advice to validate their importance in our lives. They may not realise that there is a line and grandparents do not have a responsibility to teach and discipline the grandchildren.


I normally ignore unsolicited advice and have cut down on family gatherings due to timing conflicts on weekend. In so far as I am fine with the kids’ development, progress, behaviour, other people’s comments, remarks are not important to me. I really do not care about it. Where I need to push back, I will do it tactfully. If the message is not received, I can be blunt about it. Of course it is not pleasant when it happens, but at 4x years old, my priorities are things that means and matters to me.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/923555https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/923555Tue, 25 Dec 2012 13:29:34 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Concerned Grandparents? on Tue, 25 Dec 2012 12:00:44 GMT]]>You should just politely ignore the grandparents and support your kids in whichever way needed. My late dad used to questioned and pressured me as to why I did not send my ds1 for piano classes. Maybe to him, it was the norm among other kids that he knew but my ds1 was totally not interested. My dad sounded harsh whenever this subject was broached, but ironically,non of us in the family was musically trained as affordability was an issue. I nearly talked back to him once wrt this and am glad I just let it slide as no way am I forcing my boy to pick it up when he was not interested.


Ironically again, now my boy told me that I should have forced him to at leastgive it a try as he now sees his brother learning and is envious. :roll:

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/923536https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/923536Tue, 25 Dec 2012 12:00:44 GMT