Home for kids

Reply to Home for kids on Mon, 14 Jan 2013 05:48:30 GMT

Coolkidsrock2 — Mon, 14 Jan 2013 05:48:30 GMT

ammonite:

The work in school these days is not that easy. Many kids will not be able to do them without some form of help or guidance in P1 or 2. If your son needs close supervision, you can consider student care, or a 1-1 tutor who can help him with his homework. One of my neighbours with long working hours and travels regularly does just that. Admittedly it cost a lot of money to do it her way, but just to show that kids do need that much supervision. My neighbour has a tutor for every subject coming in 2-3 times a week, once to help her son with his homework, and once to coach. She also arranges for close friends and relatives to drop in regularly and just sit around her house so that her children are always surrounded by familiar faces. Her husband works more regular hours and her maid really cares for the kids. Every weekend she takes her 2 kids out for a meal and a movie for bonding.

Following up on this, I used to have to work long hours, even past midnight fairly regularly. Even though I have stepped down a lot, I normally reach home around 8.40pm.

Instead of a tutor coming in to accompany the children as their work, I would pay a JC student/undergrad $15 an hour to supervise them, help in their work as well as mark their assessments. This does not happen often, only on days when there is no CCA, school's enrichment classes or their own enrichment lessons. It is a cheaper option.

I noticed the kids behaving much better when I am able to be there for them and I try to have non-school related conversations with them at least 5 minutes every day. It was initially very hard but it gets better and as the relationship improves and with growing maturity, things fall in place. It took me 4 years and lots and lots of professional guidance for things to reach the current equilibrium

Reply to Home for kids on Mon, 14 Jan 2013 00:44:03 GMT

pirate — Mon, 14 Jan 2013 00:44:03 GMT

Namie:
He is home with the domestic helper. Not that I have not thought of no-pay leave or part-time employment. But it will be quite impossible with our family's financial situation - both parents-in-law suffered stroke and have mobility difficulty, mother-in-law fractured her hip bone last year, my parents need monthly medical treatment too.

Right now, what I did was plan all his tution classes in the afternoon, one hour after he got home. This way, at least he gets to spend his time wisely. I know he has a kind heart. He recently signed himself up to be an altar boy because he wanted to help the priest. I think anyone who thinks in this way cannot be bad at heart.

I am not passing any judgment, but please be mentally prepared that if you spend all your time on your careers and little quality time with your kids, there is a going to be a very good chance that the kids will grow up emotionally detached from you. Don't be surprised if they are not close to you (the parents) when they grow up.

I know it sucks, but you should seriously sit down, do some maths and decide whether that extra income is reeeeeeaaaallly necessary, or is the income from the second working parent just going to the domestic help, tuition etc. There is also the option of full-time jobs with shorter working hours, eg 9am-6pm, albeit with lower pay. Or even downgrade to a cheaper home and a lower monthly mortgage payment.

Reply to Home for kids on Sun, 13 Jan 2013 23:46:36 GMT

ammonite — Sun, 13 Jan 2013 23:46:36 GMT

Namie:
Hi! We have been very patient with him since he was in P1. Both of us work very long hours and by the time we reach home everyday, it is around 9.30pm. Just imagine, we wake up at 5.30am and work till 9pm daily and longer during peak.

We set homework for him and everyday without fail, not a single question is done. Came out with garbage excuses like forgot, thought I said homework was for tomorrow, etc. The whole week went by and it still wasn't done. This was his behaviour since P1.

In addition, everyday without fail there will be notes from teachers saying he did not hand in his homework and he didn't even care!
.... If he doesn't wake up now, he will lead a worse life than us in the future.

Hi Namie,

Your working hours are indeed very very long. You must be feeling so tired. On the other hand, it does also mean that your son hardly sees you. You may not have a good grasp of his needs, and he does not understand your concerns. He is still young.

I don't think there is such a boot camp in Singapore, and it may not be what he needs. Very often, esp for boys, they will say they forgot when it is because they do not know, or they can't find (homework). As simkhoo said, he could have an underlying learning difficulty, or REALLY lack organisational skills. My son too lacks organizational skills and has poor vision skills and at my request, his teachers will seat him next to an organized child who helps him find things and make sure he has what he needs. It makes a huge difference to his daily experience in school, and also saves the teachers from a lot of frustrations.

The work in school these days is not that easy. Many kids will not be able to do them without some form of help or guidance in P1 or 2. If your son needs close supervision, you can consider student care, or a 1-1 tutor who can help him with his homework. One of my neighbours with long working hours and travels regularly does just that. Admittedly it cost a lot of money to do it her way, but just to show that kids do need that much supervision. My neighbour has a tutor for every subject coming in 2-3 times a week, once to help her son with his homework, and once to coach. She also arranges for close friends and relatives to drop in regularly and just sit around her house so that her children are always surrounded by familiar faces. Her husband works more regular hours and her maid really cares for the kids. Every weekend she takes her 2 kids out for a meal and a movie for bonding.

One of my former colleagues (we sometimes worked till 10pm) would call home regularly through the day, once to check on her kids after they get home from school, once more to check if they have done their homework or tingxie etc, once around dinner time to check on status and just a chat, once more before she headed home. Once a week she would rush home to cook their favorite dinner, her maid would buy and prepare all the ingredients earlier in the day. I often thought of her as a telephone mum.

You should email his teachers to try and understand more. Explain your situation, and ask them what they think are the problem areas and if they can help support him in any way in school. Also ask them for their suggestions on what you can do from your end.

If you have long hours, you must think about building up a support network in the form of friends, relatives and neighbours. It takes a bit of effort but is good for your child. More pairs of eyes on him equals more accountability. make use of technology. Call him, message him, schedule mini time slots with him. During your break time (lunch), it may be better to find a quiet place to recharge yourself and just let go of all worries for 10 min. You will feel better.

Reply to Home for kids on Sun, 13 Jan 2013 14:53:58 GMT

alng — Sun, 13 Jan 2013 14:53:58 GMT

Dear Namie, I am so sorry to hear the situation that you are in. I just want to say don’t give up on your child. If you, as a parent, give up on him, who else in this world will be more motivated than you to train and groom him? To support, encourage and motivate him?

You did not mention the age of your child. But have a good talk with him. How about asking the father to have a man to man talk with him? Find out the problems and solve the problems together as a family.

Reply to Home for kids on Sun, 13 Jan 2013 11:37:18 GMT

limlim — Sun, 13 Jan 2013 11:37:18 GMT

My kids in lower primary usually does their homework by themselves. They come to me when they encountered difficulties. I try not to chase after them to ask them to do what they're supposed to do.

Give them one time jialat jialat one for not doing homework.. and they learnt. :evil:

Reply to Home for kids on Sun, 13 Jan 2013 11:34:30 GMT

limlim — Sun, 13 Jan 2013 11:34:30 GMT

tuition and financial difficulties doesn’t belong to the same place… IMO…

Anyway, word of advise for you is, tuition is not for the un-motivated kids. It’s just a waste of money.

If the kid is motivated, but need help, then maybe it is ok to have tuition.

But if the kid not keen in studies, tuition is no difference from money down the drain.

Of coz, if you’re rich, you can do what some rich parents do, by engaging tutor so as to keep the kids in check and watch over them (Like highly educated nanny)

But, if you’re not very well-off, why waste the money. It can be put to better use.

Reply to Home for kids on Sun, 13 Jan 2013 10:59:53 GMT

Namie — Sun, 13 Jan 2013 10:59:53 GMT

The kind of home I have in mind is the type like army camp - teaching children responsibility, completing tasks within specific time, no wastage. That would be good.

Reply to Home for kids on Sun, 13 Jan 2013 09:38:07 GMT

Lilac66 — Sun, 13 Jan 2013 09:38:07 GMT

Hi namie, I’m sorry to hear the situation you’re in. IMHO, explaining about having to work hard for his own future may not be the best way to handle your boy. He’s unlike a matured and sensible kid whom such advice may propel him to self motivation.

I feel the kid may associate both his parents with just homework, nagging and nothing else now. As much as I know it won’t come so easily to you at this juncture, try to make the kid know he’s loved by both of you. When he feels loved, it’ll give him security… When that’s in place, maybe he’ll want to do things not only for himself but also to please his parents, make them feel proud of him.

At this moment, perhaps just do everything in baby steps… As long as he can get down to do something, no matter how small , praise him. Loads of patience is needed now, and hopefully you’ll see some improvement along the way…good luck

Just my 2 cents…

Reply to Home for kids on Sun, 13 Jan 2013 07:53:51 GMT

Flowermonaster — Sun, 13 Jan 2013 07:53:51 GMT

Namie:
He is home with the domestic helper. Not that I have not thought of no-pay leave or part-time employment. But it will be quite impossible with our family's financial situation - both parents-in-law suffered stroke and have mobility difficulty, mother-in-law fractured her hip bone last year, my parents need monthly medical treatment too.

Right now, what I did was plan all his tution classes in the afternoon, one hour after he got home. This way, at least he gets to spend his time wisely. I know he has a kind heart. He recently signed himself up to be an altar boy because he wanted to help the priest. I think anyone who thinks in this way cannot be bad at heart.

Hi Namie, sorry for jumping to conclusion that you could be irresponsible parent. I think your boy is really sweet to offer his help to be an altar boy. Please don't put him to a home, your boy might think you don't want him. My solution might not be great but you can consider putting him to a before/after school care centre? At least he will gets his homework done there.

Reply to Home for kids on Sun, 13 Jan 2013 06:00:31 GMT

Rational_Parent — Sun, 13 Jan 2013 06:00:31 GMT

Namie:
He is home with the domestic helper. Not that I have not thought of no-pay leave or part-time employment. But it will be quite impossible with our family's financial situation - both parents-in-law suffered stroke and have mobility difficulty, mother-in-law fractured her hip bone last year, my parents need monthly medical treatment too.

Right now, what I did was plan all his tution classes in the afternoon, one hour after he got home. This way, at least he gets to spend his time wisely. I know he has a kind heart. He recently signed himself up to be an altar boy because he wanted to help the priest. I think anyone who thinks in this way cannot be bad at heart.

What home is @lmami referring to? The homes I know with bad hats are the Singapore Boys Home where Juveniles who have been charged for criminal offences and not old enough for the mainstream prisons are placed, and another in Pasir Panjang for drug addicts. These homes should be avoided of course.

The Salvation Army is different. I think the home is now called “The Haven” in Pasir Panjang Road. In the past, there were The Salvation Army Children’s Home, Girl’s Home and the Boys Home. There was even a Nursery Home in Upper Bukit Timah a very long time ago. In the good old days, there were folks who could not afford to raise kids, or have Tiger girls, or had children out of wedlock (especially during the British rule days), would placed their kids in these homes and left them there for good when they were supposed to pay regular visits and pay a monthly nominal fee. Many though, placed their kids there because they have no time to look after a large family and there is only one bread winner in the family due to tragedies, separation or divorce.

If the boy had demonstrated a soft spot, how bad can he be other than misbehaving when parents are not around? I’m sorry to learn about your dilemma which apparently stemmed from stress and over-burdened of also having to look after handicapped elderly folks. There should be other worthy homes but you should seriously consider homes such as The Havens or wherever The Salvation Army chooses to place him for he’ll definitely get the necessary attention he needs.

It appears tuition does not seem to do much good for the boy. If it does then he would have demonstrated progress a long time ago. There are not a lot of cheers in the house, what with a domestic worker having so many tasks and no time for him, and handicapped elders who need attention of their own. So maybe a few words about sending the boy away where he can get the necessary attention might just turn him around or even turn him on i.e. wants to go. This way, kinship is maintained.

As the saying goes, “Desperate situation calls for desperate actions”. And your situation certainly sounded like desperation to me.

Reply to Home for kids on Sat, 12 Jan 2013 20:55:24 GMT

Imami — Sat, 12 Jan 2013 20:55:24 GMT

Pls don’t send your kid to homes. I personally know of Familes who have kid’s in homes for a period of times. Not that they are irresponsible (in that they don’t want to mend the right themselves) but I believe they are just incapable of disciplining their kids. But I have to say their kids are not just unmotivated, not doing well in school and only watch tv. These are trivial, compared to what those kid’s I know (being sent to homes) did. They sniff glue, play truant, steal, vandalize, extort etc.

Sending kids to homes, in my opinion, doesn’t work for all kids.

One must know the positive outcome of working hard in order to feel motivated. Aside from the outcome, one must have the reason to do it. Many a times, we are motivated to move on because there was someone who loves and believes in us.

Maybe life has taken a toll on both you and your spouse and hence you are considering "outsourcing" you kid to home for his own good. Perhaps it is not convenient for you to bare all to us. Perhaps you would like to consider seeking some form of counseling help from professionals first? Feiyue offers family Counseling services. They may be able to offer good solutions to your case.

Reply to Home for kids on Sat, 12 Jan 2013 17:34:48 GMT

Namie — Sat, 12 Jan 2013 17:34:48 GMT

He is home with the domestic helper. Not that I have not thought of no-pay leave or part-time employment. But it will be quite impossible with our family’s financial situation - both parents-in-law suffered stroke and have mobility difficulty, mother-in-law fractured her hip bone last year, my parents need monthly medical treatment too.

Right now, what I did was plan all his tution classes in the afternoon, one hour after he got home. This way, at least he gets to spend his time wisely. I know he has a kind heart. He recently signed himself up to be an altar boy because he wanted to help the priest. I think anyone who thinks in this way cannot be bad at heart.

Reply to Home for kids on Sat, 12 Jan 2013 17:25:31 GMT

linden2000 — Sat, 12 Jan 2013 17:25:31 GMT

Is your boy alone at home and expected to do his homework from school as well as the homework set by you all by himself? If so, no offence meant but I would think kids being kids, he would most likely not have the self-discipline and motivation to do it on his own.

It’s not mentioned in your post how old is your boy. If he is in lower Primary, all the more he will likely not be mature enough to understand the importance of grades. Especially true for boys who tend to mature slower. Understand your anxiety about his future but to a young boy, it is very likely he is unable to understand your anxiety or to worry about the future himself.

Is it possible that either parent scale back on work to spend more time with him? Sure, career prospects will be affected but if you care enough for the child, it will be worth it. All the bochap attitude he’s exhibiting could be actually be a call of help to you, his parents. KIds sometimes do not know how to get our attention the right way and to him, negative attention could still be attention. I really hope it’s just moments of frustration and work stress that you are are talking about sending him to a home. I really hope you do not mean it.

Reply to Home for kids on Sat, 12 Jan 2013 16:52:25 GMT

Rational_Parent — Sat, 12 Jan 2013 16:52:25 GMT

Namie:
Hi! We have been very patient with him since he was in P1. Both of us work very long hours and by the time we reach home everyday, it is around 9.30pm. Just imagine, we wake up at 5.30am and work till 9pm daily and longer during peak.

We set homework for him and everyday without fail, not a single question is done. Came out with garbage excuses like forgot, thought I said homework was for tomorrow, etc. The whole week went by and it still wasn't done. This was his behaviour since P1.

In addition, everyday without fail there will be notes from teachers saying he did not hand in his homework and he didn't even care!

We have told him many times. Both my husband and I were not high achievers in school. Not just because our parents were not well-off enough to give us the resources but we were too playful then to realise the importance of doing well in school and exams. That is why we later saw classmates got higher pay and jobs because they have honours degrees. Fellow colleagues get promoted faster because honours degrees holders are on a different career track. Honours degree holders and scholars are referred to as talents and normal degree holders are referred to as work horses. If he doesn't wake up now, he will lead a worse life than us in the future.

I have to be bold and direct here to say that the fault lies with both of you, the boy parents.

It appears to me that the poor boy is the only child and is left at home without proper guidance, love and care most of the time. If this is true then how on earth do you expect the boy to be discipline, unless of course he is a special child or a god-send? If both of you sincerely love the boy then either one of you ought to take long no-pay leave to rectify the situation. Any parents who love their kids would definitely do so if put in your shoes. Some would even quit their jobs.

It really sounded like parents wanting to disown the boy. If, as parents, both of you are unable (or refuse) to provide guidance, love and care then I would second @Jennifer post - send the boy away for good because there should be families that would do so, failing which both of you can consider The Salvation Army Home. From what I know, this Christian home do take in children of all races and any religion, give them shelter, discipline, guidance, care, love and a faith of course. You need not disown the boy if he is sent to homes.

Honestly, I'm not disappointed in the boy but both of you, the parents. I'm sorry but I really mean it.

Reply to Home for kids on Sat, 12 Jan 2013 16:40:25 GMT

ngl2010 — Sat, 12 Jan 2013 16:40:25 GMT

Namie:
Hi! We have been very patient with him since he was in P1. Both of us work very long hours and by the time we reach home everyday, it is around 9.30pm. Just imagine, we wake up at 5.30am and work till 9pm daily and longer during peak.

We set homework for him and everyday without fail, not a single question is done. Came out with garbage excuses like forgot, thought I said homework was for tomorrow, etc. The whole week went by and it still wasn't done. This was his behaviour since P1.

In addition, everyday without fail there will be notes from teachers saying he did not hand in his homework and he didn't even care!

Hi. They are just kids...

I was like you when DS was in term 1 P5. I expect him to be mature enough to schedule his day. I only want result like what we expect people in office behave. I don't care when he does his homework during the day. I just want it to be done.

Sadly, it did not materialise. Homeworks were still not done when I checked them at night. I blew up. But DH told me that DS is just a kid. Treat him as a kid. Plan his day. I did what DH told me and things turned out better. Homeworks done, additional works done.

Kids are just kids. I think it is rare to find kids that are self discipline especially if he is just P1 (or older now). He needs your attention, love and guidance. Be patient, guide him and show him a lot of love. You need to spend more time with him. Come home earlier and guide him. It is a sacrifice to your career but it will worth it. He will improve.

Reply to Home for kids on Sat, 12 Jan 2013 16:10:14 GMT

Namie — Sat, 12 Jan 2013 16:10:14 GMT

Hi! We have been very patient with him since he was in P1. Both of us work very long hours and by the time we reach home everyday, it is around 9.30pm. Just imagine, we wake up at 5.30am and work till 9pm daily and longer during peak.

We set homework for him and everyday without fail, not a single question is done. Came out with garbage excuses like forgot, thought I said homework was for tomorrow, etc. The whole week went by and it still wasn't done. This was his behaviour since P1.

In addition, everyday without fail there will be notes from teachers saying he did not hand in his homework and he didn't even care!

We have told him many times. Both my husband and I were not high achievers in school. Not just because our parents were not well-off enough to give us the resources but we were too playful then to realise the importance of doing well in school and exams. That is why we later saw classmates got higher pay and jobs because they have honours degrees. Fellow colleagues get promoted faster because honours degrees holders are on a different career track. Honours degree holders and scholars are referred to as talents and normal degree holders are referred to as work horses. If he doesn't wake up now, he will lead a worse life than us in the future.

Reply to Home for kids on Mon, 07 Jan 2013 10:43:03 GMT

Coolkidsrock2 — Mon, 07 Jan 2013 10:43:03 GMT

Hi alng, I also share your sentiments. I also do not understand but paiseh to ask for details or give advice. They only mention that they are looking for boarding schools.

To me, it is almost like rejecting the child and this is the age and time where parents need to be around. One of my friends was sent to boarding school around 14/15 years old, relationship with parents quite distant after her return. If not because her mum is a single parent, she would not return.

Reply to Home for kids on Mon, 07 Jan 2013 09:47:06 GMT

alng — Mon, 07 Jan 2013 09:47:06 GMT

schweppes:
alng:

Why didn't the parents consider international schools here? I have friends who send their kids to international schools as their kids' PSLE results are not good enough to enter the schools of their choice.
unfortunately, not everyone can afford to pay international sch fees. :moneyflies: :moneyflies:

I was referring to the earlier post that parents sent their kids overseas after the PSLE. If can afford overseas, sure can afford the international schools fees here. At least the parents are still with the kids when the kids are in the international schools here, as compared to the overseas boarding schools.

Reply to Home for kids on Mon, 07 Jan 2013 08:59:19 GMT

concern2 — Mon, 07 Jan 2013 08:59:19 GMT

Namie:
Our son is lazy, spending his time on TV only. My husband and I have decided to send him away for good. Do anyone know are there children's homes to take in the kid?

Unplugging and selling away the TV is one option you can consider, unless, that is, you are more unwilling to let go of your TV than of your child.

Reply to Home for kids on Mon, 07 Jan 2013 08:44:32 GMT

schweppes — Mon, 07 Jan 2013 08:44:32 GMT

Namie:
Our son is lazy, spending his time on TV only. My husband and I have decided to send him away for good. Do anyone know are there children's homes to take in the kid?

:hugs: to u, Namie.

I'm sorry to read about your frustration and disappointment. You must be feeling very hurt and lousy to make such a candid post. Sometimes, in our frustrations and disappointments, or when we feel that our kids do not live up to our expectations, we say all these horrible and mean things. But deep down, I know u don't mean it. At least, I hope not.

If u feel that your child is not performing up to mark or he may have some behavioral issues, maybe you can talk to the teachers or school counsellor to mediate on your behalf? Sometimes our kids would rather listen to a 3rd party rather than his own parents. There cd be reasons for his misbehaviour which u may not be aware of.

Hopefully things will get better for u... :snuggles:

Reply to Home for kids on Mon, 07 Jan 2013 08:32:37 GMT

schweppes — Mon, 07 Jan 2013 08:32:37 GMT

alng:

Why didn't the parents consider international schools here? I have friends who send their kids to international schools as their kids' PSLE results are not good enough to enter the schools of their choice.

unfortunately, not everyone can afford to pay international sch fees. :moneyflies: :moneyflies:

Reply to Home for kids on Mon, 07 Jan 2013 06:38:02 GMT

alng — Mon, 07 Jan 2013 06:38:02 GMT

Coolkidsrock2:
kitty2:
[quote=\"Coolkidsrock2\"]It can be hard for some parents to accept kids who are not performing to their expectations. A couple of my friends will be sending their kids to boarding school soon cos kids performed below expectations in PSLE.

Is there such a school in S'pore?I know NYG has.

Not that I am aware of. They are going overseas.[/quote]Why didn't the parents consider international schools here? I have friends who send their kids to international schools as their kids' PSLE results are not good enough to enter the schools of their choice.

Reply to Home for kids on Mon, 07 Jan 2013 06:36:50 GMT

Flowermonaster — Mon, 07 Jan 2013 06:36:50 GMT

firefly38:
Flowermonaster:
[quote=\"Namie\"]Our son is lazy, spending his time on TV only. My husband and I have decided to send him away for good. Do anyone know are there children's homes to take in the kid?

I don't believe what I am reading! You are kidding right?

If she is kidding, then it is NOT funny..
If she is not kidding, then it IS funny..
Wa, son is lazy & watches TV, must send him away for good.. Then many kids will be sent away for good.. Hubbies too.. :siao:[/quote]Errh... I don't find it funny either way leh but I do agreed it's :siao:
Normal & responsible people just dont send their kids away when they don't meet their expectation. This is kind of extreme...... :faint:

Reply to Home for kids on Mon, 07 Jan 2013 06:23:33 GMT

Coolkidsrock2 — Mon, 07 Jan 2013 06:23:33 GMT

kitty2:
Coolkidsrock2:
It can be hard for some parents to accept kids who are not performing to their expectations. A couple of my friends will be sending their kids to boarding school soon cos kids performed below expectations in PSLE.

Is there such a school in S'pore?I know NYG has.

Not that I am aware of. They are going overseas.