<![CDATA[Having an Autistic Brother]]>[Editor's Note: Post chosen for http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/having-autistic-brother.]


I have two children. Ethel, now 5, has so much to say. Calder, 8, is autistic.

Ethel was born before Calder was diagnosed as moderately autistic. This is a very good thing because autism is believed to be partly hereditary. Like many other parents, we would have had second thoughts about begetting another child if we had known the first one is autistic. So, Ethel is a present. A present for me because she enables me to experience \"normal\" parenthood. A present for Calder because she is his only friend, a friend who cares enough to pray spontaneously for him.

It is not easy to be Calder's sister. Although she is younger, she is expected to give in to her brother because he is easily upset and difficult to pacify when upset. Being Calder's sister means having to watch Calder's mood before expecting an outing, having to give up many outings, having to hurry home when Calder gets agitated. Ethel is so used to these that we could actually ask her, \"Do you think we can go out today?\" and she would look at Calder with his flustered face and desperate chantings and pronounce, \"No, I don't think so.\"

I give talks on my parenting experience. Once, a member of the audience asked, \"Is the sister deprived because she has a brother with autism?\" In a way, yes. Ethel is deprived of her rights to be childish. Because her parents have their hands full dealing with the brother's meltdowns, tantrums on her parts are never well-tolerated. She knows she cannot hoard her parents' attention because Calder gets upset when ignored. And when Calder is moody, the atmosphere is tense, and parents speak sternly not only to Calder but to her too. She has to learn not to take these personally. She has to learn to grow up quickly. As a result, she is a precocious 5-year-old. One of her preschool teachers actually told me, \"In all my years of teaching, I have never come across a student as sensible as Ethel.\"

Frankly, I think when a family has a child with special needs, the person who gains the most is the sibling. Caring for a special-needs person builds a compassionate nature. If I am an employer, I would advertise for siblings of people with special needs because this is where you find responsible and kind staff.

Of course, I have also heard of the opposite effect: resentment and bitterness and defiance against what the sibling sees as unfair parenting. In my case, my children are fortunate because I work part-time. And I have arranged their schooling such that I get to spend time with them individually. Ethel goes to morning school while Calder's school starts in the afternoon. This grants me many opportunities to show I love them.

I believe when children feel loved, they would grow up well, whether or not they have special needs.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/topic/51757/having-an-autistic-brotherRSS for NodeWed, 22 Apr 2026 03:13:00 GMTSun, 24 Feb 2013 15:35:39 GMT60<![CDATA[Reply to Having an Autistic Brother on Sun, 24 Nov 2013 13:56:13 GMT]]>Just something to share: My son was diagnosed with ASD last year. We had no prior family history(from both sides) with children or any1 with this disorder. Relatives who do not understand looked at him in a ver different way. Could not follow all the instructions in the Childcare Centre that he attend. I was really upset and did not know how to cope at time. He throw tantrums also. Doctor refer him for therapy sessions and he was eventually referred to EIPIC at THK this February. Condition did not improve drastically. Until 3 months back, my SIL’s friend recommended me to try out on Essential oil, and after 3 months , we (myself, SIL, BIL, and even my mum who is taking care of him) feels that his communication skills improve a lot. He is able to sit still for a longer period of time. This makes me certain that his condition can further improve if i persist. Any1 who is interested to try, can PM me. I share more.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1153768https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1153768Sun, 24 Nov 2013 13:56:13 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Having an Autistic Brother on Sun, 24 Nov 2013 13:55:47 GMT]]>Just something to share: My son was diagnosed with ASD last year. We had no prior family history(from both sides) with children or any1 with this disorder. Relatives who do not understand looked at him in a ver different way. Could not follow all the instructions in the Childcare Centre that he attend. I was really upset and did not know how to cope at time. He throw tantrums also. Doctor refer him for therapy sessions and he was eventually referred to EIPIC at THK this February. Condition did not improve drastically. Until 3 months back, my SIL’s friend recommended me to try out on Essential oil, and after 3 months , we (myself, SIL, BIL, and even my mum who is taking care of him) feels that his communication skills improve a lot. He is able to sit still for a longer period of time. This makes me certain that his condition can further improve if i persist. Any1 who is interested to try, can PM me. I share more.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1153767https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1153767Sun, 24 Nov 2013 13:55:47 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Having an Autistic Brother on Tue, 19 Mar 2013 13:51:28 GMT]]>You bet! I live near 684 hougang & I see that Medlife clinic carries your book so I’m gonna try & buy it there.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/972318https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/972318Tue, 19 Mar 2013 13:51:28 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Having an Autistic Brother on Tue, 19 Mar 2013 10:04:21 GMT]]>Feel free to give me your feedback on the book. : )

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/972249https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/972249Tue, 19 Mar 2013 10:04:21 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Having an Autistic Brother on Tue, 19 Mar 2013 06:10:06 GMT]]>Hi,


Parents like us all need alot of encouragement! I’ll get your book!!

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/972122https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/972122Tue, 19 Mar 2013 06:10:06 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Having an Autistic Brother on Tue, 19 Mar 2013 03:00:45 GMT]]>Hi Florence, thank you for your encouragement. I have compiled a book of 31 autism stories in Singapore. If you have yet to read it, can find out more on http://www.come-into-my-world.com . Yes, my girl gets fed up sometimes having to give in to her brother. Once she exclaimed, \"I wish I am autistic!\" Regarding EIPIC, my boy has enjoyed and benefited from Eden Children's Centre (Simei).

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/972046https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/972046Tue, 19 Mar 2013 03:00:45 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Having an Autistic Brother on Tue, 19 Mar 2013 01:57:20 GMT]]>Hi Ladies,


I have also discovered not long ago that my younger son has mild autism and I can relate to all of your stories due to all the similarities that were being discussed in this thread.

Phil4v8 - I chanced upon your write-up in kiasuparents, it is very well written and it is so true that the sibling benefits from having a special needs bro/sis coz they grow up to become more compassionate, I see this in my older girl but I also notice her resentment at times when she has to give in to her brother all the time.

This is going to be a long journey with my boy, now I worry about whether he can go to mainstream school, how he is going to grow up. Will my older gal have to take care of him later on in life…etc…

Anyone did EIPIC program? Is it helpful?

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/972006https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/972006Tue, 19 Mar 2013 01:57:20 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Having an Autistic Brother on Fri, 08 Mar 2013 12:12:26 GMT]]>Hi Double E, thank you for your encouraging words. Our journey is not easy but if we stay positive, it can be very enriching. Press on!

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/967109https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/967109Fri, 08 Mar 2013 12:12:26 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Having an Autistic Brother on Fri, 08 Mar 2013 09:20:44 GMT]]>Phil4v8

Great seeing you here cos I have a copy of your book too and I put in at my bed side and read it from time to time to remind myself that I am not alone. Actually, I am your fan. Haha! Cos I will try to read all interviews (print or TV) about you and your boy. I think is very brave of you to put yourself in public but we definitely need more parents like you who are not afraid to share your struggles so that more people will learn about Autism. I hope I have the courage to do the same.

Tamama, my boy who has Autism in fact love books more than his sister who is NT. In fact, my gal will ‘copy’ her brother and start asking for a book when she sees her brother reading one.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/967075https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/967075Fri, 08 Mar 2013 09:20:44 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Having an Autistic Brother on Fri, 08 Mar 2013 08:44:12 GMT]]>

luvmum:
Hi Tamama,


My boy is at mainstream kindergarten so chinese is taught in school. To supplement on his chinese competency, I send him to a chinese enrichment school (berries). He has been there for 3 years since N2. Teacher has been patient and good to him. He has no prob reading the texts but it's the writing part. I need to teach him like 4 days in advance so that he is able to write in class. Sometimes he can write well, other times can't even figure out what is he writing. He has little retention. For instance, the word I in chinese (wo), he has written that for umpteen times but still if out of the blue I ask him to write and show me, he can't. Of course if I go thr with him, he can pick up quite fast.

He has a hundred and one thing to improve on so MT is really the first that I consider to opt out. life Journey is seriously very tough for him and me. Constant reminders on myself not to give him up but at times the harsh educational system, judgemental views of his teachers and unwelcome remarks really drag you down and make you feel lousy.

And yes, I did volunteering work in his prospective pri school too. Looking at the daily working, socialising and independency of the pri school kids, I just feel it's out of the place for my child who still need a lot of help.
luvmum, I too do not coach my doter much on Chinese, for the same reasons of juggling various priorities, even though I would love to. I hope that one day when she is older we could somehow find a way to catch up. Even if its just conversational for her to understand and speak some of the language to enable her to function in daily life would be an achievement.

There are currently a few educational routes for our kids. Don't despair. There is a lot of discussion on school placement options for ASD kids at this forum. You may like to do a search for the information.

Hope you sort out your thoughts soon.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/967061https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/967061Fri, 08 Mar 2013 08:44:12 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Having an Autistic Brother on Wed, 06 Mar 2013 05:40:03 GMT]]>Hi Tamama,


My boy is at mainstream kindergarten so chinese is taught in school. To supplement on his chinese competency, I send him to a chinese enrichment school (berries). He has been there for 3 years since N2. Teacher has been patient and good to him. He has no prob reading the texts but it’s the writing part. I need to teach him like 4 days in advance so that he is able to write in class. Sometimes he can write well, other times can’t even figure out what is he writing. He has little retention. For instance, the word I in chinese (wo), he has written that for umpteen times but still if out of the blue I ask him to write and show me, he can’t. Of course if I go thr with him, he can pick up quite fast.

He has a hundred and one thing to improve on so MT is really the first that I consider to opt out. life Journey is seriously very tough for him and me. Constant reminders on myself not to give him up but at times the harsh educational system, judgemental views of his teachers and unwelcome remarks really drag you down and make you feel lousy.

And yes, I did volunteering work in his prospective pri school too. Looking at the daily working, socialising and independency of the pri school kids, I just feel it’s out of the place for my child who still need a lot of help.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/966026https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/966026Wed, 06 Mar 2013 05:40:03 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Having an Autistic Brother on Wed, 06 Mar 2013 03:00:37 GMT]]>Luvmum,

Your boy going to any school now or not? They teach Chinese?
I don't know if my boy can cope with Chinese or not in future. We don't speak Mandarin Chinese at home as well. But I just want him to try first. So I send him to a small Chinese enrichment centre and register him to n2 level. He learn from the basics. I go through the words taught everyday with him (mon to fri only, sat and sun are crazy time for us). Each revision is so short that his attention span is enough. We just start this beginning of the year. So far he memorises well. During the 1 1/2hour lesson he is not quite attentive as expected. He wanders sometimes. But since the centre is small and only 6 kids there, more teachers attention he will gain.
He did express dislike to go to the Chinese lesson. I link the lesson up with ice-cream or a small fries after the lesson finished, so he is so happy to go to the lesson now. Tricky mummy...
I think it would be too early to say he can or cannot learn Chinese at this moment. Wait for a year of learning then from there I can have a clearer idea. May be you can let your boy try first?
Never say never. Cheers! :please:

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965973https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965973Wed, 06 Mar 2013 03:00:37 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Having an Autistic Brother on Wed, 06 Mar 2013 02:48:38 GMT]]>Hi ImMeemee, luvmum,

My cheeky young man is 5 now. Same as luvmum’s boy he is due to register for the p1 next year.
I work as parent volunteer for my elder girls school (local school). Frankly speaking, after I helped during the first few days of this new school year and observed all the p1 kids, I don’t have the confident that my cheeky young man will fit into the environment. Not mentioning his weakness in writing skill.
I have discussed this issue with the child developmental unit doctor and she suggested us to defer a year for him. She knows that my boy is attending aba from Monday to Wednesday morning, and going to a special preschool on Thursday and Friday morning. She understands his preschool is kind of helping him to improve academic skill. So she suggested us to let him stay there (for higher chance he can be included in the mainstream class next year) to develop his skill some more before he goes to p1. I am a bit reluctant, but I understand more time to prep him would be better. She will help us write the letter to moe to explain his condition to the school so he can register one year later.
Other choices are private schools,but with the long queue and huge school fee, we are in no favour of choosing them. I thought of homeschool. I love the concept. I just did not find out more yet. I am new to Singapore so I will need to sort out things like if homeschooling for primary level, secondary level is accepted or not. I think you will agree that a special needs kid has different learning ways, homeschooling has great benefits for them indeed. Well I don’t know, I will see how things going first.
Glad to know that so many parents here support their precious special needs kids so much.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965967https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965967Wed, 06 Mar 2013 02:48:38 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Having an Autistic Brother on Wed, 06 Mar 2013 02:32:28 GMT]]>Hi Luvmum, the other alternative is to defer your boy until he is more ready. You can delay entry to Primary 1 for up to 2 years.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965956https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965956Wed, 06 Mar 2013 02:32:28 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Having an Autistic Brother on Wed, 06 Mar 2013 02:20:37 GMT]]>Hi phil4v8,

Sure I will pay a visit to your website. I can share you my little book.
How good your boy reads? You may want to consider his reading level before you make your own book for him. Using real pics of your daily life also helps. Read to him every night before bed. He will gradually attached to the little book and will later ask for it on his own. May be good for younger princess as well. Girls are always developing the love for books faster, I think. Haha.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965947https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965947Wed, 06 Mar 2013 02:20:37 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Having an Autistic Brother on Wed, 06 Mar 2013 01:31:01 GMT]]>

ImMeeMee:
Tamama


Would you consider homeschooling your child when he is 7yo and beyond, and what would be the plans if so?
Hi mummies,
Would like to join in for this discussion too. My boy is due for registration this coming July for admission next year. Frankly speaking, he is still academically weak and his independence skill is still not convincing for me to feel at ease that he can look after himself. Coupled with his special needs, I guess the teachers will not have the patience, time and divert extra attention on him. Plus school bullying....the list just goes on and on.

I really thought about homeschooling him but when I talked to the MOE officer last week, I u/s that my child has to take the standard level for all 4 subjects by the time he reaches 12. At the back of my mind, I'm looking at exempting him MT and letting him take foundation level instead and all these can only be granted in school not homeschool based.

Really in a huge dilemma. Please help.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965887https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965887Wed, 06 Mar 2013 01:31:01 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Having an Autistic Brother on Wed, 06 Mar 2013 01:07:45 GMT]]>Tamama


Would you consider homeschooling your child when he is 7yo and beyond, and what would be the plans if so?

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965871https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965871Wed, 06 Mar 2013 01:07:45 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Having an Autistic Brother on Tue, 05 Mar 2013 12:59:58 GMT]]>Hi Tamama, can you find me on http://www.come-into-my-world.com? I want to ask you more about this cause-effect book of yours.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965725https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965725Tue, 05 Mar 2013 12:59:58 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Having an Autistic Brother on Tue, 05 Mar 2013 12:25:52 GMT]]>I should do up a cause-effect book like yours. Thanks for the idea!

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965720https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965720Tue, 05 Mar 2013 12:25:52 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Having an Autistic Brother on Tue, 05 Mar 2013 10:23:06 GMT]]>Yes for most autistic kids they are having stronger visual learning skills. Germs can’t be seen with naked eyes so he may not understand the point only with our teaching which is more on auditory way. Did you try YouTube videos?

My boy seems understand germs, however. He watched intensely for a cartoon show called crawford’s corner on YouTube for a period and there is an episode called sneezer pleaser. He watched until he can cite every line. Together with a song clip that Elmo teaches kids to wash hands before eating then he understands more. He sings the song by himself when he washes his hands.

I also find it difficult to teach why-cause and effect to my boy. I made a book which is on this topic. I wrote the content based on our everyday life, like he drinks water with his cup carelessly and as a result his shirt is wet, I drew a pic with him on a wet shirt and unhappy face and water spilling out of his cup and even wet the floor. I wrote the cause and effect sentence and then I wrote the ‘why’ sentence and the ‘because’ sentence. Some how he is able to understand all those. I just started not long ago so I hope as time goes by he may grasp the concept more.

Tantrum is sometimes hard to understand by us NT person indeed. But I am trying hard to understand him and his world bit by bit and wish one day we can be more connected.

Add oil!

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965679https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965679Tue, 05 Mar 2013 10:23:06 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Having an Autistic Brother on Tue, 05 Mar 2013 08:40:53 GMT]]>Wow, thanks for the very detailed answer! My boy does not seem to understand the abstract. For example, I had the hardest time teaching him about germs, why he shouldn’t put his hand into his mouth or eat food that has fallen onto the floor. I am also thinking of how to teach him to answer "Why" questions so we could finally know what are causing his tantrums.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965635https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965635Tue, 05 Mar 2013 08:40:53 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Having an Autistic Brother on Tue, 05 Mar 2013 05:29:32 GMT]]>He is still on kindergarten level. I created the curriculum based on what my girl has learnt before.


My girl learned the following before she got into p1:

For English:
Identifying and writing on memory all the alphabets, upper case and lower case
Identifying sight words
Correct use of prepositions
Diffentiating verbs and nouns
Writing simple sentence for journal
Knowing sounds of vowels and consonants, able to rhyme
Read DRL levelled books daily

For maths:
Tell the same and difference
Grouping objects, classifying object
Identifying opposites like long/short, big/small etc.
arranging objects according to order
Shapes 2D and a few 3D and colors
Numeracy 1-20, then 1-100
Concept of more/less
Count by 2, 5, 10
Count backwards
Pattern
The number zero
Addition up to 4, 5, 6, 8, 10
Subtraction within 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
Addition of 3 numbers
Money
Month
Day of the week
Time reading

Topic she explored:
Farm and farm animals
Mothers day
Families and me
Fruits
Playground
Fathers day
Zoo
To the sea and the beach
Food
Human body
Animal homes
Nursery rhymes
Sports
Emotions/ feelings
Go camping
Birds and eggs
Space
Color mixing
Mid autumn festival
Getting cold (autumn and winter)
Human face
Five senses
Manners
Pond life
Insects and crawling things
Make music
Healthy habits
Thanksgiving
People helping in the community
Playing outside (safety)
Baby animals
Month and days
Tools and machines
Christmas
Chinese new year
Weather
Plants
Time
Volcanoes and dinosaurs
Superheroes
World traveling (countries and cities)
Valentines day
Getting warm: spring and summer
Measuring
Places to go (local attractions)
Nature (water and wind and air and rock)
Money
Neighborhood


She did not do Chinese before p1. But she caught up with the others in school, and did well in all the exams. Basically in the first few month of pri 1 they taught hanyupinyin again and the strokes as well. So allow my girl to pick up the totally new thing.
I don’t know much about how to teach Chinese as well and online resources are limited as well. So I send my boy for Chinese enrichment every week.
The above is FYI.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965544https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965544Tue, 05 Mar 2013 05:29:32 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Having an Autistic Brother on Tue, 05 Mar 2013 03:55:11 GMT]]>Hi Tamama, what curriculum do you use to homeschool your boy?

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965499https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965499Tue, 05 Mar 2013 03:55:11 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Having an Autistic Brother on Tue, 05 Mar 2013 03:15:00 GMT]]>Forgot the name sorry,

It’s far eastern kindergarten, 9a gilstead road.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965474https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/965474Tue, 05 Mar 2013 03:15:00 GMT