Neglected second child

Reply to Neglected second child on Fri, 10 May 2013 14:33:46 GMT

buds — Fri, 10 May 2013 14:33:46 GMT

ammonite:
Buds,

:udawoman: ...

And the hot mama!

:whut:

Me?

:dowan:

I'm the dog-tired momma whose old bones may not be able to take it much longer. :faint:

Reply to Neglected second child on Fri, 10 May 2013 13:50:02 GMT

ammonite — Fri, 10 May 2013 13:50:02 GMT

Buds,

:udawoman: ...

And the hot mama!

Reply to Neglected second child on Fri, 10 May 2013 13:42:54 GMT

buds — Fri, 10 May 2013 13:42:54 GMT

ammonite:
I have two kids three years apart and no helper or infant care or kindergarten at one stage. However dh generally could be home by 7pm and he was quite a hands on dad.

The things that were very helpful to me then:
- childproof the major areas and close off the rest. This means covering sockets, removing or hiding wires, protocol for windows, cushion at bottom of stairs, door-guard, covering toilet bowls or closing the door, making sure that all heavy furniture are stable etc. Any room that is not child-proof, just keep the door closed.

(crouch down on the floor and check the house from their perspective. Things look very different from the floor!!)

- Create a child corner in all common areas - living room, bedroom, (child-proofed) balcony, kitchen. This way the children can follow you round the house and always within your sight and hearing. Different corners have different things - manipulatives, books, balls, safe household items for them to poke around with

- encourage independence. Children's objects are placed at their height as far as possible. The lowest shelf/ drawer/cabinet are always for the kids, be it clothes, cutlery, books or toys. Introduce self feeding from young.

I must warn you that the house will never be perfectly tidy or clean. You can only have one or the other or neither. But definitely not both if you want your children to be independent!

- befriend your neighbours. Playdates can be a great way for you to get some 1-1 time with the younger child, and also for some social perspective for your older child.

Out of the house, I used a baby sling so I could safely handle two kids at the same time, whether it is up and down the bus, or on the escalator. So I simply took both together everywhere.

Some of the things I did with my kids at that age
- bedroom: reading. The younger one has a basket of hardboard books and cloth books.
- kitchen: elder one helps to wash and slice vegetables with butter knife. Younger one is introduced to different fruits and vegetables and allowed to gnaw on safe clean ones. I also have empty bottles filled with different beans or rice for the younger one to shake or roll.
- bath: one tub each for water play within my sight. provide cups, funnels.
- swimming pool : choose a quiet time of the day and a very shallow pool. Bring a couple of toys and park in front of the life guard if using a public pool. (I take them to different pools to explore)
- go for events like kite festivals or picnics at Botanic Gardens when there are musical performances. Bring a ball or bubble solution for elder one. Younger one will be fascinated by all the sights and sounds. Great chance to introduce instruments as well.

Of course, you will be very tired by the end of the day!

Same for me, ammonite.. back then with the girls and now for my two boys.

My chubs now plays pretend cooking while i cook and goes thru the veggie & fruit stash i have. He will also ask what's this.. what's that.. whatcha doin' now mommy.. what's next.. as i go about in the kitchen. Now it's just chubs cos his brother would be sleeping. But soon, i'll have both my kitchen helpers.

Reply to Neglected second child on Fri, 10 May 2013 11:47:45 GMT

sharonkhoo — Fri, 10 May 2013 11:47:45 GMT

ammonite:
:hi5:

Alas I have some years to go before my kids reach the age of yours. :faint:

Time passes quite fast in retrospect. During those years, it seemed like it would never end!

Reply to Neglected second child on Fri, 10 May 2013 08:03:45 GMT

ammonite — Fri, 10 May 2013 08:03:45 GMT

:hi5:

Alas I have some years to go before my kids reach the age of yours. :faint:

Reply to Neglected second child on Fri, 10 May 2013 07:33:16 GMT

sharonkhoo — Fri, 10 May 2013 07:33:16 GMT

ammonite:
I have two kids three years apart and no helper or infant care or kindergarten at one stage. However dh generally could be home by 7pm and he was quite a hands on dad.

The things that were very helpful to me then:
- childproof the major areas and close off the rest. This means covering sockets, removing or hiding wires, protocol for windows, cushion at bottom of stairs, door-guard, covering toilet bowls or closing the door, making sure that all heavy furniture are stable etc. Any room that is not child-proof, just keep the door closed.

(crouch down on the floor and check the house from their perspective. Things look very different from the floor!!)

- Create a child corner in all common areas - living room, bedroom, (child-proofed) balcony, kitchen. This way the children can follow you round the house and always within your sight and hearing. Different corners have different things - manipulatives, books, balls, safe household items for them to poke around with

- encourage independence. Children's objects are placed at their height as far as possible. The lowest shelf/ drawer/cabinet are always for the kids, be it clothes, cutlery, books or toys. Introduce self feeding from young.

I must warn you that the house will never be perfectly tidy or clean. You can only have one or the other or neither. But definitely not both if you want your children to be independent!

I could have written this myself! This is exactly how I managed with 2 kids 2 yrs apart without any home help. Brings back memories!

Reply to Neglected second child on Fri, 10 May 2013 07:26:12 GMT

ammonite — Fri, 10 May 2013 07:26:12 GMT

I have two kids three years apart and no helper or infant care or kindergarten at one stage. However dh generally could be home by 7pm and he was quite a hands on dad.

The things that were very helpful to me then:
- childproof the major areas and close off the rest. This means covering sockets, removing or hiding wires, protocol for windows, cushion at bottom of stairs, door-guard, covering toilet bowls or closing the door, making sure that all heavy furniture are stable etc. Any room that is not child-proof, just keep the door closed.

(crouch down on the floor and check the house from their perspective. Things look very different from the floor!!)

- Create a child corner in all common areas - living room, bedroom, (child-proofed) balcony, kitchen. This way the children can follow you round the house and always within your sight and hearing. Different corners have different things - manipulatives, books, balls, safe household items for them to poke around with

- encourage independence. Children's objects are placed at their height as far as possible. The lowest shelf/ drawer/cabinet are always for the kids, be it clothes, cutlery, books or toys. Introduce self feeding from young.

I must warn you that the house will never be perfectly tidy or clean. You can only have one or the other or neither. But definitely not both if you want your children to be independent!

- befriend your neighbours. Playdates can be a great way for you to get some 1-1 time with the younger child, and also for some social perspective for your older child.

Out of the house, I used a baby sling so I could safely handle two kids at the same time, whether it is up and down the bus, or on the escalator. So I simply took both together everywhere.

Some of the things I did with my kids at that age
- bedroom: reading. The younger one has a basket of hardboard books and cloth books.
- kitchen: elder one helps to wash and slice vegetables with butter knife. Younger one is introduced to different fruits and vegetables and allowed to gnaw on safe clean ones. I also have empty bottles filled with different beans or rice for the younger one to shake or roll.
- bath: one tub each for water play within my sight. provide cups, funnels.
- swimming pool : choose a quiet time of the day and a very shallow pool. Bring a couple of toys and park in front of the life guard if using a public pool. (I take them to different pools to explore)
- go for events like kite festivals or picnics at Botanic Gardens when there are musical performances. Bring a ball or bubble solution for elder one. Younger one will be fascinated by all the sights and sounds. Great chance to introduce instruments as well.

Of course, you will be very tired by the end of the day!

-

Reply to Neglected second child on Fri, 10 May 2013 06:11:00 GMT

lchunleo — Fri, 10 May 2013 06:11:00 GMT

thanks everyone for your spontaneous discussion and alot of good tips offer as well...:D

well to update, i try to bring both of them out together and played together . i would ask my elder one to sing songs to his brother and take care. but my elder one can be rough sometimes so got to keep a watchful...incidents do happen..:D..

We tended to neglect the younger one in the past as we felt more logistics to be performed (we don't have car) and i felt we are also somewhat sending a wrong signal to the elder child that younger brother is \"not important\"..hmmm..

Reply to Neglected second child on Wed, 01 May 2013 00:39:41 GMT

JohnYeo — Wed, 01 May 2013 00:39:41 GMT

activemum:
I'll alternate my kids to tuition or coaching session so that i can split my time.

Hi activemum,

Great planning... when u say coaching, are u referring to coaching by parent?

Reply to Neglected second child on Wed, 01 May 2013 00:38:46 GMT

JohnYeo — Wed, 01 May 2013 00:38:46 GMT

Quizzer:
When my second baby was borned my elder son was 5 years old. We also had problems handling both kids at the same time, we don't have a maid but baby goes to infant care. Both my hubby and me is the main caregivers to our children beside the school. We worked out a plan for ourselves and our kids. Since mine is a 5 days work job while my hubby is on alternate sats off. So our plan goes like this.. One half sat morning belongs to our couple time together, one sat is mummy time with the elder boy, one sat is daddy with the elder boy...and sundays we all take turns to look after baby so that baby won't develop the preference over 1 parent.

Hi Quizzer,

Sounds like a personal date with DC. I read this concept of personal date from one of the local parenting magazines....this dad has 7 children and they are all at least 18 years old...so he tried to plan a personal date with each of them on a regular basis just to bond with them and spend one to one time with them.

John

Reply to Neglected second child on Tue, 30 Apr 2013 14:42:45 GMT

activemum — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 14:42:45 GMT

I’ll alternate my kids to tuition or coaching session so that i can split my time.

Reply to Neglected second child on Tue, 30 Apr 2013 11:46:01 GMT

Quizzer — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 11:46:01 GMT

When my second baby was borned my elder son was 5 years old. We also had problems handling both kids at the same time, we don’t have a maid but baby goes to infant care. Both my hubby and me is the main caregivers to our children beside the school. We worked out a plan for ourselves and our kids. Since mine is a 5 days work job while my hubby is on alternate sats off. So our plan goes like this… One half sat morning belongs to our couple time together, one sat is mummy time with the elder boy, one sat is daddy with the elder boy…and sundays we all take turns to look after baby so that baby won’t develop the preference over 1 parent.

Reply to Neglected second child on Fri, 26 Apr 2013 15:20:27 GMT

janet88 — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 15:20:27 GMT

Funz:
ChiefKiasu:
What is the middle child syndrome? Sorry... I only have 2 children and am myself a \"last\" child.

Have another kid lah and observe the 2nd one.

Eldest one will still get 'recognition' as gor gor or jie jie...youngest one is a newborn or toddler and will be attended to...middle one is neither here nor there. So will definitely do funny things to gain attention.

Reply to Neglected second child on Fri, 26 Apr 2013 14:26:43 GMT

Funz — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 14:26:43 GMT

ChiefKiasu:
What is the middle child syndrome? Sorry... I only have 2 children and am myself a \"last\" child.

Have another kid lah and observe the 2nd one.

Reply to Neglected second child on Fri, 26 Apr 2013 14:17:46 GMT

JohnYeo — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 14:17:46 GMT

my guess is the middle child gets neglected because everyone is focusing on the new born (the third child) and the first child, being the eldest one, also gets most of the privileges…

Reply to Neglected second child on Fri, 26 Apr 2013 14:09:37 GMT

ChiefKiasu — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 14:09:37 GMT

What is the middle child syndrome? Sorry… I only have 2 children and am myself a "last" child.

Reply to Neglected second child on Fri, 26 Apr 2013 14:03:15 GMT

JohnYeo — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 14:03:15 GMT

lchunleo:
Hi all,

i have two children, one 3 years old and one 7 months. we realized that the elder one needs both of our attention that we have to neglect our second one (second one is taken care by our maid). If my wife pays attention to the 2nd one, he will fight for her attention (throws tantrum, or do funny things to force you to take care of him) and so goes to me. How to solve this problem? i do not know how to spilt myself and my time between the two children. any ideas? sorry i know this is not something new, but it is new to me.. :?

Hi lchunleo,

My kids' age are very close to yours, if not similar....DD1 is 3 y.o and DD2 is 10 months old...yes, DD1 is always fighting for attention though I think la, we have given her alot of attention...what works for us is we try out best to do activities which include by DDs and we always encourage sharing of toys (though DD1 says that all the toys belong to her)

It is hard to split yourself...yah, especially when time is so limited and we have so much to do...so why dont include both kids in common play activities...it will not solve the problem...sometimes DD1 will make a lot of noise like DD2 pulled her hair (when in actual fact, DD1 refused to sit farther and let DD2 pulled her hair...and sometimes she likes it....so sending mixed messages to DD2)

so for me, play together lo and we read story to both of them sitting together...not easy but it works sometimes...

John

Reply to Neglected second child on Fri, 26 Apr 2013 11:04:25 GMT

Funz — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 11:04:25 GMT

Imp75:
How abt you have 3 young kids v close in age and the younger ones are twins such that you really have a middle child syndrome problem to deal with. That happened to me. Our eldest kid demanded a lot of attn while the youngest twin was such a troublesome baby, no choice but to leave the well behaved middle child to the maid which unfortunately resulted in the middle child syndrome

I myself am a middle child. And yup I do know about middle child syndrome, having exhibited some myself.

Guess pretty similar. The other 2 kids have to understand that each and every kid is entitled to mummy's/daddy's time/attention. When things were fine, we never bothered to segregate whose time with who but when we realised that DD was monopolising most of our time and attention, we started carving out our time for each of them individually and together. And we stuck as much as possible to that routine.

I guess we have to be conscious and make the effort to 'stand up' for the quieter or more agreeable child instead of taking them for granted. For me, DD is the demanding one and DS is the agreeable one. While peace will prevail when DS gives in, I will at times step in to stop it.

Reply to Neglected second child on Fri, 26 Apr 2013 10:43:33 GMT

Imp75 — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 10:43:33 GMT

How abt you have 3 young kids v close in age and the younger ones are twins such that you really have a middle child syndrome problem to deal with. That happened to me. Our eldest kid demanded a lot of attn while the youngest twin was such a troublesome baby, no choice but to leave the well behaved middle child to the maid which unfortunately resulted in the middle child syndrome

Reply to Neglected second child on Fri, 26 Apr 2013 08:37:10 GMT

Funz — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 08:37:10 GMT

This happens when the age gap is close. I experienced the same thing with my kiddos as well. DD was also a rather difficult kid so in the end my maid handled DS most of the time so much so that DS rejected me when he was about 6mths old. I was devastated. Good thing that you seem to be a rather hands on Dad. DH at that time was most MIA.

In the end I told DH he needs to step up and handle DD more so that I can give DS some attention. So when I spend time with DS, DH will handle DD, bring her out, keep her occupied, etc. Initially she protested and gave DH hell but I told her it is Daddy time for her and mummy time for didi. She will get her mummy time and didi will get his Daddy time. She howled saying she wants mummy time all the time. Had to be firm with her and tell her it does not work that way. So the sooner she start spending time with Daddy, I can spend time with didi and very soon it will be mummy time for her. She cried, she threw tantrums, she pretended to have this or that ache, spill this and that and all she got was Daddy or maid, no mummy. After a couple of weeks of that she settled into the routine and will seek Daddy out automatically.

I made the mistake of taking the easy way out by letting my maid handle my son when DD demanded my attention. But after my son rejected me and chose my maid over me, I refuse to let my maid handle DS except to watch over him for a while.