Working with Grandparents

Reply to Working with Grandparents on Tue, 26 May 2015 01:00:33 GMT

ahgore — Tue, 26 May 2015 01:00:33 GMT

angela:
Original Title: Having some problems!!!

Dear mummies,

I have a 17th month girl who is taken care by my mother since birth. She is raised well by my mother. Although she is 17th month old, she can follow simple instructions given by us. She will not cry because of any simple matter. She is very independent and will play by herself.

I dun like the ideal of grandparents always carrying the baby around. So my girl is only carried when she wants to drink milk, bathe or boring. So she does not like ppl to carry her and likes to walk by herself.

But the problem come! Recently, I found out that I am 7-weeks pregnant. Actually, I should be very happy. But recently, my mother-in-law told me that she intends to stop working and wish to look after my newborn baby.

She is the kind that will pamper the children. She will spoilt them. My father-in-law is the one who like to carry the baby 24 hours. Last time, my sister-in-law's children were taken care by them. And they spoilt them. And, when my father-in-law wants to do something, no one can stop him or else he will give you face. Everyone scares of him.

Actually, I dun want my husband in a difficult situation so I am thinking to let my mother in law to look after the coming baby but I worried that they will spoilt it. Then, thinking to let my mother-in-law to look after my 17th month girl but also worried that she will pick up some bad habits from them. I hope to let both of them grow together and build up the sibling relationship.

Does anyone have this problem before? Mind to share!

Thanks

I believe you new-born already 5 years old. can share if your kid is spoilt? because I'm in a similar position as you.

Reply to Working with Grandparents on Fri, 30 Oct 2009 02:59:42 GMT

kiasimom — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 02:59:42 GMT

jedamum:
kiasimom:

We are brought up by our parents too and here we are parents ourselves and we are concerned that our parents spoil our children.
because sometimes my son leverage on the grandparents to ruffle my feathers, i am looking forward to spoil his kids.

LoL.. We should be able to strike a balance. Maybe you can talk to your parents and ask them not to interfere when you are
Disciplining your child. But you have to be tactful when putting it across.

Reply to Working with Grandparents on Fri, 30 Oct 2009 02:52:41 GMT

jedamum — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 02:52:41 GMT

kiasimom:

We are brought up by our parents too and here we are parents ourselves and we are concerned that our parents spoil our children.

because sometimes my son leverage on the grandparents to ruffle my feathers, i am looking forward to spoil his kids.

Reply to Working with Grandparents on Thu, 29 Oct 2009 18:11:11 GMT

kiasimom — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 18:11:11 GMT

I must say you are very fortunate to have your parents/in laws to look after your children.

Yes, they may spoil your children, but that is still out of love for them.

I am not as lucky as you as my mom and mil have to work and I have to leave my children with my maid when I was working back then.

I believed you have heard horrible stories about maid ill-treating and abandoning the kid, but have you heard likewise for grandparents?

We are brought up by our parents too and here we are parents ourselves and we are concerned that our parents spoil our children.

I personally took care of my children during the period when I am without a maid and believe me, it is no easy job to look after children.

For working parents, if you don’t have your parents to look after your children, can you go to work with peace of mind?

My sister leaves her 3 years old son with her MIL. Yes, she also has the same concerns that her MIL is spoiling her son.
To quote what one parent say here, the job of disciplining still lies in the parents not the grandparents.
Just as I told my sis, if she doesn’t approve of how her MIL looks after her son, she can jolly well look after her son herself as no others can look after her son the way she expects herself to bring up her son.

Reply to Working with Grandparents on Sun, 27 Sep 2009 13:30:28 GMT

angela — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 13:30:28 GMT

Andaiz:
angela:
How I wish I am not pregnant now!

just saw your post...Angela, don't say that! The little one is precious - no matter what!

Yeah, I felt that way when MIL wanted to look after SIL's kid and SIL and BIL saw the amount of conflict and complaints she had (yet insisted to carry on coz FIL loves being with the little ones)...she literally dropped us like hot potatoes.

My kids don't know it and they don't need to. With exception of quantity time, DH and I believe that we should be their go-to PARENTS! :love:

Hi,

Thanks for your advise. I will see what will happen when my baby borns next year.
:lol:

Reply to Working with Grandparents on Fri, 25 Sep 2009 05:14:40 GMT

Andaiz — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 05:14:40 GMT

angela:
How I wish I am not pregnant now!

just saw your post...Angela, don't say that! The little one is precious - no matter what!

Yeah, I felt that way when MIL wanted to look after SIL's kid and SIL and BIL saw the amount of conflict and complaints she had (yet insisted to carry on coz FIL loves being with the little ones)...she literally dropped us like hot potatoes.

My kids don't know it and they don't need to. With exception of quantity time, DH and I believe that we should be their go-to PARENTS! :love:

Reply to Working with Grandparents on Fri, 25 Sep 2009 05:13:05 GMT

Andaiz — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 05:13:05 GMT

raynreg:
It is your grandparents rights to pamper their grandchildren while it is your duty to discipline and nuture them

that's exactly what my parents said to me, rayreg!

Anyway, Angela. I had a similar problem - it's a \"good problem\" as such familial support is wonderful to tap on. However it is a balancing act. You've not told us what would the arrangement be for DD1. If you split the kids, it would be depriving them of companionship which (I hope) is one of the reasons for having > 1. Then there's the consideration of if your mum or MIL can cope with 2.

For us, we settled for a weekly schedule - One week my parents, one week DH's parents. So we bought 3 sets of stuff - crib, bathtubs and everything - one set for my parents, one for in-laws and one for our place. This lasted for over 4 years till we went away and #3 came along and then MIL said she's needed with BIL as their DD1 was to arrive as well.

When the kids started school, we reckoned it was way too much ferrying from one place to the other...and since I'm a FTWM as well, schoolbus is our only ption and to pay full fair to TWO buses (and imagine their confusion - which week from which location huh???!) just wasn't going to work!

It was an amazing and sometimes painful few years - the kids got their share of attention and bonding with each set of grandparents and they are richer for it.

I'm not saying that the arrangement works for everyone - it often doesn't, but really there is more to it than just convenience on our part as parents.

That said, when SIL decided to quit and be a SAHM, MIL hinted that she wants to come back to looking after our kids, we made a big show of it to say \"no, the children are older, you should spend more time with FIL\"-truth is her style now grates the kids (she still treats them as if they were timewarped 2 years ago!); and it would be better for all to have the children over at a more \"carved out time\" e.g., an afternoon at the park, dinner with gramps etc.

sashimi has hit the nail on the head : we are the parents and utlimately, they (the kids) are our responsibility - don't be forced or co-erced into doing things that go against your gutfeel or conscience or you'd live to pay for it!

JMHO

Reply to Working with Grandparents on Thu, 24 Sep 2009 14:28:49 GMT

angela — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 14:28:49 GMT

Funz:
what are your dh's views on this?

I was kinda in the same position as you when I had my 2 kids. DH even mentioned that to be fair, since my parents looked after our 1st kid, then 2nd one let his mum take care. He was also being pressured by his gaggle of aunties aka MIL's sisters. I gave him a list of reasons why it will still be better for my mum to look after our 2nd kid. The one key reason revolves around conflicts. Explain to him that like it or not, there will definitely be conflicts. Even with my own parents looking after our kids, there were conflicts but with my parents, I can handle it. But with his parents, he has to handle it and women being women, we tend to be more picky about things especially when it comes to our kids. Told him by turning his mum down now, yes, she will be disappointed but she will get over it eventually. But if he insists on letting his mum look after our 2nd kid, then be prepared to be sandwiched time and again and not only will he have an unhappy mum, he will have to deal with an upset wife from time to time.

That coupled with the fact that MIL suffers from depression kind of sold my point. Hahaha.

Try and come to an agreement with your DH. If the agreement is not to let your MIL look after your kid, then make your stand clear now. The last thing you want to deal with is your MIL quitting her job thinking that she will be caring for your kid. Then all the blame will start coming and things will be worse.

Hi,

Thanks for your advises.

My DH has no comment of having who to look after our kids. Next year, my DH will be going for part-time studying and I usually work until very late so I always depend on my mother to look after my girl.

Although we are staying with my in-laws, my in-laws never look after my girl before. They just want to play with her. Last time, she looked after my sister-in-laws' kids and almost wanted to cry. So I dunno is she suitable to look after my kids or not. I dun allow my girl to watch tv program with us but my in-laws always say \"nevermind lah\". When we look at our nephews and nieces hook on the tv for 24-hours, we really very scared.

I am very firm to let my mum to look after my kids, just to worry that my DH will change his mind as he is very filial to his parents. That is why I am having headache!!!

Another thing is that my mil is waiting for my sister-in-law to get pregnant. So I worry that once she gets pregnant, she will look after her kid then what will happen to mine. Just throw aside.

How I wish I am not pregnant now!

Reply to Working with Grandparents on Thu, 24 Sep 2009 08:55:16 GMT

danecalymom — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 08:55:16 GMT

Hi Angela, really envy you have MIL willing to take up the challenge of staying at home full-time to look after your kids. My mom prefer to work and my MIL prefer to play with kids weekly, thus I have no choice but to engage a maid. Now, my elder boy is turning 4yr old soon and my daughter just turn 18mths. I put both in child care as soon as they turn 18mths. By doing this, it keep both parents happy and also reduce our reliance on maid.

Before my daughter went for childcare, I was at my maid’s mercy because we don’t live with our parent. Now that my daughter is in childcare, my maid has become very obedient cos she know we are no longer reliance on her.
If you can, try to put your elder child in playgroup or childcare and have your MIL in charge of picking her. Especially when you have more than 1 kids, you will find parent’s help very useful.

Reply to Working with Grandparents on Thu, 24 Sep 2009 08:35:49 GMT

sashimi — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 08:35:49 GMT

Objectively, angela, without any knowledge of exactly how your MIL will be like - you should decide for the sake of the child, from the point of view as her mother.

You should not be deciding this based on your role as a daughter(-in-law).

Ideally, the parent is the decide-all and end-all for her child. Grandparents often make this ill-conceived presumption that your child was born for their \"enjoyment\"'s sake. But no - the child is your responsibility first and foremost. So you have the right to decide.

I know it's easier said than done, but to have a spoiled child is far worse than having an \"offended\" MIL.

To put it another way, to be a parent is to take a lot of pain, punishment, conflict, embarrassment, sacrifices... for the sake of your child.

Unfortunately the wide generation gap these days means that it's not common for two generations to agree on the method of raising kids. You are EXTREMELY lucky to have a good caretaker in the form of your mother. I am even jealous that your MIL offered.

So the question is how to explain/persuade your MIL in this issue. Chances are she's probably envious of your mom. But that's another story....

Reply to Working with Grandparents on Thu, 24 Sep 2009 05:48:54 GMT

mommyNg — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 05:48:54 GMT

Ha ha, you are so fortunate that you have great support from your families (including your mum and your in-laws)!! Mine either said she is getting old, or were too happy to leave them (their retired lives) alone :roll:

My mum helped me take care of my dd1 for the first few years, and yes, she did all the stuff that you would abhor, e.g. carrying the baby to sleep, giving her 3 (yes, not 1 but 3) pacifiers - one in the mouth, two in each to \"play\" with, etc... But hey, 5 years later, all these didn't matter anymore. She is almost 7 years old, and she is a healthy, independent and happy girl. Of course, she doesn't need to be carried to sleep and has long weaned off pacifiers. And yes, she is sleeping by herself in her own bed in her own room...

So as long the \"spoiling\" is not about \"bad values/behavior\", such as giving in when child throws a tantrum, letting child scolds or even hits the seniors, I feel that certain differences in childrearing practices is tolerable

Reply to Working with Grandparents on Thu, 24 Sep 2009 04:01:44 GMT

schellen — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 04:01:44 GMT

thebusybee:
So darn right! That's exactly what my mum said too when my bro complaining about her 'spoiling' his boys!

However, my DD's grandparents learned the hard way. Yes, they spoiled her, then they suffered when she got older (she's now 7). Then, they had to go through the difficult path to \"discipline\" her and resist the urge to spoil her all the time. So we have the last laugh.

Reply to Working with Grandparents on Thu, 24 Sep 2009 03:41:41 GMT

thebusybee — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 03:41:41 GMT

raynreg:
It is your grandparents rights to pamper their grandchildren while it is your duty to discipline and nuture them

So darn right! That's exactly what my mum said too when my bro complaining about her 'spoiling' his boys!

Reply to Working with Grandparents on Thu, 24 Sep 2009 03:39:06 GMT

Funz — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 03:39:06 GMT

what are your dh’s views on this?

I was kinda in the same position as you when I had my 2 kids. DH even mentioned that to be fair, since my parents looked after our 1st kid, then 2nd one let his mum take care. He was also being pressured by his gaggle of aunties aka MIL’s sisters. I gave him a list of reasons why it will still be better for my mum to look after our 2nd kid. The one key reason revolves around conflicts. Explain to him that like it or not, there will definitely be conflicts. Even with my own parents looking after our kids, there were conflicts but with my parents, I can handle it. But with his parents, he has to handle it and women being women, we tend to be more picky about things especially when it comes to our kids. Told him by turning his mum down now, yes, she will be disappointed but she will get over it eventually. But if he insists on letting his mum look after our 2nd kid, then be prepared to be sandwiched time and again and not only will he have an unhappy mum, he will have to deal with an upset wife from time to time.

That coupled with the fact that MIL suffers from depression kind of sold my point. Hahaha.

Try and come to an agreement with your DH. If the agreement is not to let your MIL look after your kid, then make your stand clear now. The last thing you want to deal with is your MIL quitting her job thinking that she will be caring for your kid. Then all the blame will start coming and things will be worse.

Reply to Working with Grandparents on Thu, 24 Sep 2009 03:29:48 GMT

raynreg — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 03:29:48 GMT

It is your grandparents rights to pamper their grandchildren while it is your duty to discipline and nuture them

Reply to Working with Grandparents on Thu, 24 Sep 2009 03:02:04 GMT

Jennifer — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 03:02:04 GMT

By the time you deliver the newborn, your older girl can attend childcare, leaving your mother time to look after your newborn.

Your mother-in-law might change her mind about stop working.

Dun worry too much. Enjoy your pregnancy.

Reply to Working with Grandparents on Wed, 23 Sep 2009 15:56:42 GMT

heutistmeintag — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 15:56:42 GMT

Erm, I am a dad and I hope you dun mind me answering this. lol

My parents who stay with me help look after my kids and IMHO, they spoilt my kids to some extent (I wonder which grandparents don't). They look after them up to ~2.5 yrs old and after that, I packed them off to full day child care centre. They are supportive because there are many benefits and both my wife and I are working.

What I was hoping to do was to reduce the time for spoiling them and I recalled there were only about 2 hours of \"exposure\" before we return from work and take over. In a nutshell, I tried to balance making my parents happy and also to reduce the amount of spoiling.

Am I confusing you? :oops: