^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour

Reply to ^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour on Mon, 11 Apr 2016 09:37:00 GMT

Kopi882 — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 09:37:00 GMT

Hi ftwmum,

how is your boy now in school? Is the social skill workgroup in KKH effective? i am asking because my 6 yr old boy also has such behaviour:
Being rude to teachers
Insists on doing things hiss way
Throws toys and shouts when it’s time to keep them

Is this a 6 yr old phase ?

Reply to ^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour on Sat, 24 Aug 2013 02:01:42 GMT

woggles — Sat, 24 Aug 2013 02:01:42 GMT

hi ftwmum,

the posts about positive encouragement and reinforcements are very true and useful. but at the same time, as one mum mentioned consistency/ boundaries establishment are very important – addressing the misbehaviour at that moment is crucial. It’s kinda hard for young children to understand and actually remember when consequences are addressed long after the inappropriate actions have taken place. Scoldings that take place way after misbehaviour and punishment is likely to be perceived as nagging. Teachers at school and your mum have to be work closely with you & your DH or else your DS is going to receive mixed messages.

For eg. if my DS misbehaved & kena punshiment/ scolding fr teacher (& teacher do feedback to me), I’ll just bring up the situation and talk to him about it, listen to his side of the story, explain to him why he was punished & tell him I’m not going to punish him again. Instead I want him to try his best to not repeat mistake and that I believe in him that he will try his best.

am wondering… so far your post mentioned complaints of his misbehaviour occurring only in K2 this year? sometimes the issue may not lie with our children alone but the circumstances or triggers…
- did your DS exhibit similar behaviours (rude to teachers, throwing toys around, bossing classmates) long before K2? Cos usually behaviours don’t just appear overnight.
- have there been changes this year in school or at home compared to last year or earlier years?
- is his behaviour consistent in sch & at home? does his "disrepect" extend beyond his teachers? is it just a particular teacher? how about the principal?
- how has the teacher been managing your DS’s behaviour? Has it been consistent and fairly executed each time?
- how do you & DH manage your DS’s behaviour? Is it consistent? E.g. do you create a list of acceptable behaviours. once misbehaviour happens, warn once. happen again, consequence straightaway.
- how did the teachers define "rude"? is it really answering back in an insolent, loud tone to instructions given, or did your DS just innocently question teacher out of curiosity? is the K2 class a big class with only 1 teacher?

if misbehaviours have been occurring consistently (1year & more), that is a red flag. Social group therapy are useful but skills learnt there would be limited in transferring cos the environment created in social group is "artificial". Again consistency is key… it’ll be good if you or your DH can sit in the social group, see for yourselves what is taught there, and apply/model for your DS outside of the social group. And also to update the teacher what is also taught in the social group and your teacher helps to remind your DS too. This way, your DS can really apply & experience any new learnings across real-life situations

Reply to ^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour on Sat, 24 Aug 2013 00:46:23 GMT

sweetjam — Sat, 24 Aug 2013 00:46:23 GMT

I believe your child is seeking your attention. Evaluate how much quality time parents spend with the child. It is not enough for parents if they say they only have time for the child on weekends. It should be the child gets to interact with the parents on a daily basis such as talking about what he did in school, his views about things etc during dinner or before bedtime.

Reply to ^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour on Tue, 20 Aug 2013 06:16:16 GMT

KimMills — Tue, 20 Aug 2013 06:16:16 GMT

Hi ftwmum, Han Seo has touched the right point here. Focusing only on his bad behavior is not taking you in any positive direction. There are a lot of things you have to consider. To quote you, ’ My DS will keep acting up despite all our nagging, reminders and punishments.’ Nagging never helps, it will only make a child more defensive. Kids are far more smart and intelligent than we imagine. Try to analyze your approach to this situation and follow the advice Han Seo has for you. I have never been an advocate of punishments. They are never effective because most times, we as parents don’t use them effectively. Most important thing, don’t ever deride him in front of others. Encourage him more for the good he does, I’m sure he does. Who says it’s easy being parents.

Reply to ^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour on Fri, 16 Aug 2013 07:01:50 GMT

quixation — Fri, 16 Aug 2013 07:01:50 GMT

hi mummy,

first and foremost, please dont feel guilty that its all your fault… its not.

its difficult definitely when the world seems to be against this poor little child who actually doesnt really know what he is doing right or wrong…
But assurance from parents are really important. dont let him associate you or daddy as scoldings, nags or punishment, these add to resentment i find…

instead, maybe before bed time talk to him and tell him u have faith in him, trust him and know he should know wat to do. but do it in a question and answer game.
What happened in school today? do you think you like so-and-so to do that to you? Then maybe you should do that too…

Anyway i am not an expert and every child is different. Just continue and keep your faith…

Jia you mummy… dont fret…

btw, you may have to sacrifice alot to start new methods. have you tried the sticker method? Like a chart to monitor his good behavior and he can enjoy an activity he like on the weekend if he gets certain no. of sticker?

it takes a lot of time and effort but i am sure it will all work out fine…

Reply to ^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour on Fri, 16 Aug 2013 06:33:24 GMT

Han Seo — Fri, 16 Aug 2013 06:33:24 GMT

I see that he is your only child. Maybe this can be one of the reasons of his difficulty in getting along with other children? I would think you should continue to use stories and role play to help him in his social skills and all the other strategies suggested by the others. It will take time to see results.

Giving specific feedback is better than general praise such as ‘Good job!’ because this will help the child know what it is that he has done right and how his action has an impact on others.

Reply to ^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour on Fri, 16 Aug 2013 05:19:13 GMT

ftwmum — Fri, 16 Aug 2013 05:19:13 GMT

TravelMummy:
My view - don't scold, don't nag. But of course tell him what is the right thing to do. To correct him however, you must focus on winning his heart. Side with him when the world is against him. Believe in your child. When you have won him heart and soul, he will do anything to please you and turn out right. he is still very young and innocent. Do not let feedback on non conformist behaviour get you down. Non conformists are sometimes the smartest kids. Putting him through a litany of psychological tests etc may affect his self confidence and get him down. In my personal experience, these things harm the self esteem more than they can help, and create invisible rifts between parent & child. Win his heart. He will automatically want to please you and behave well. At this age, you can still be the center of his universe.

Hi TravelMummy,

Thank u.

I think you are putting in words what my DH feels. He is the sort who will stand up for his son and side with him. Sometimes I think he is indulging him but you brought up a very important point about supporting your child 100% no matter what. Only when we have won the child's heart then will he do what we want him to do.

I think sometimes Im overly harsh and kept reprimanding DS. Guess I was dissappointed (but trying my darnest not to show...) w all the complaints coming in so regularly.

I think this reminder is very timely for us.

Hugs~ :hugs:

Reply to ^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour on Fri, 16 Aug 2013 04:24:21 GMT

TravelMummy — Fri, 16 Aug 2013 04:24:21 GMT

My view - don’t scold, don’t nag. But of course tell him what is the right thing to do. To correct him however, you must focus on winning his heart. Side with him when the world is against him. Believe in your child. When you have won him heart and soul, he will do anything to please you and turn out right. he is still very young and innocent. Do not let feedback on non conformist behaviour get you down. Non conformists are sometimes the smartest kids. Putting him through a litany of psychological tests etc may affect his self confidence and get him down. In my personal experience, these things harm the self esteem more than they can help, and create invisible rifts between parent & child. Win his heart. He will automatically want to please you and behave well. At this age, you can still be the center of his universe.

Reply to ^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour on Fri, 16 Aug 2013 04:11:29 GMT

ftwmum — Fri, 16 Aug 2013 04:11:29 GMT

Also thanks to ImMeeMee and Gifts from Heaven

for your positive feedback.

Gifts from Heaven: He is not diagnosed with any specific behavioural problem,
ie he was not deemed as ADHD or ASD.
I feel that the social skills group is good because it is a small group setting with similar age children w role play. He can " practise" with other children hence making it more "realistic"
If it is just therapist and him, dun think it will work so well? He cannot get alot well w children, esp if there are many of them. He is qt ok w adults.

Im afraid we can afford the time and $$ for private one on one intervention with pte therapist. I cannot afford to not work and take care of him full time.

ImMeeMee: Thank you for your soothing words. Feeling better today because my boy was rather sweet to us at home these few days - he is better with adults somehow …He will take out the trash everyday for us and help me with laundry and toilet cleaning(?!) at home. hahaha
Will remind myself to be positive and look towards the future.

Reply to ^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour on Fri, 16 Aug 2013 04:03:00 GMT

ftwmum — Fri, 16 Aug 2013 04:03:00 GMT

hi Han Seo,

Thanks for taking the time to draft me such a long and well thought out reply :please:

1. Role model? Is there someone he is imitating? Influence from the mass media?
Not really, his dad is qt quick tempered when driving thats about it.

2. Unmet needs? Is he seeking attention? Yearning for power and some control over his life?
Not really, he is rather contented and happy at home (only child).

3. Inconsistent disciplinary measures? Between parents? Between home and school? The child may end up confused.
We are doing our darnest best to be consistent knowing his \"pattern\".
My mother who takes care of him after sch cannot discipline but she will complain to us - as a result we will punish him \"on her behalf\" when we reach home so that DS wont think that he can get away w murder at my mother's place.

4. Don't just focus on his bad behaviour. If he does something that is acceptable, let him know how his actions have impacted others. E.g. You cleared away your toys and put them neatly in the box, this makes it easier for you to look for your toys the next time you want to play with them.
Im always trying to do positive reinforcements for his good behaviour.
Eg if he shares willingly with other children I will make it a point to praise him very happily! w alot of \"Wows\"

5. Use stories to discuss about prosocial behaviour. Discuss what happens to the characters in the story when their behaviour is acceptable/unacceptable. If he were the character in the story, what would he have done? Why? Stories that talk about emotions are also very appropriate. How are the characters feeling in the story? Have you ever felt this way? How did the character in the story handle their feelings? What are the consequences? Why? If you were the character in the story, how would you handle it? Why? What are the consequences of doing A or B? You can role play using puppets.

Titles of stories:
1. The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein
2. When Sophie Gets Really Angry
3. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst
4. It's Mine by Leo Lionni
5. Tidy Titch by Pat Hutchins
6. The Grouchy Lady Bug by Eric Carle

Actually I have no 6! Thanks for the other book recommendations.
Much appreciated!

Reply to ^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour on Fri, 16 Aug 2013 01:51:10 GMT

ImMeeMee — Fri, 16 Aug 2013 01:51:10 GMT

ftwmum:

I do not see any parent facing such problems with their childrenin this forum and hence I'm starting this topic to hopefully get a listening ear and relieve the sadness that I feel deep in my heart. Everyday I ask myself what I have done wrongly as a mother and why everyone else's kid are so problem free and obedient.
Normally other kids will be scared and try to behave themselves after scolding and punishment but not mine. My DS will keep acting up despite all our nagging, reminders and punishments.

ftwmum

Good posts from the other parents on what you can do with your child.

Just want to add not to blame yourself for what is happening to your child. Rather, focus your energy on keeping an open mind and finding alternative ways to make things better for your child and yourself.

Its also not true that other kids are problem free and obedient. All parents have their fair share of challenges with their own kids. Its how to overcome these challenges and resolve the problems.

Hang on tight and dont give up. Cheers and all the best. :hugs:

Reply to ^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour on Thu, 15 Aug 2013 14:41:54 GMT

Gifts from Heaven — Thu, 15 Aug 2013 14:41:54 GMT

Hi ftwm,

You should get professional help as soon as possible, given that there is only half a year more to P1.
Did KKH give you any diagnosis, like ADHD or ASD or any other special needs?
There are many private practice providing social skills classes. Cost is definitely higher but just look at it, you may only need for \"invest\" for half a year or until KKH gets back to you.
Frankly, if your child has specific behaviour problems, then you may need individual sessions with the psychologist/therapist to address the specific issues. Group classes may not serve your child's specific needs cos of the general curriculum.

As for the pre-school, have you told the teachers/school that you are seeking help from KKH? If not, plse do so. Better if you could pass them a report from KKH and request for their understanding and patience.
Don't despair 'cos I've been there and done that. You are definitely not alone

Reply to ^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour on Thu, 15 Aug 2013 05:43:21 GMT

Han Seo — Thu, 15 Aug 2013 05:43:21 GMT

Hi ftwm,

While awaiting professional help, maybe you can try and find out the root cause? Sometimes, there may be many causes:

1. Role model? Is there someone he is imitating? Influence from the mass media?

2. Unmet needs? Is he seeking attention? Yearning for power and some control over his life?

3. Inconsistent disciplinary measures? Between parents? Between home and school? The child may end up confused.

In the mean time, here are some strategies you can try:

1. Give him some control over his life - give him choices (within acceptable limits, of course, that does not endanger life and property) as far as possible. In this way, he feels he has some control over his life and does not seek to regain power in unacceptable ways.

2. Set clear limits. Let him know what is acceptable and what is not, give clear examples. E.g. use your indoor voice (demonstrate) when speaking to another person. Give clear consequences. E.g. if you shout, I will not respond.

3. Give reminders before going to the next activity. Children have difficulty ‘transitioning’ to another activity. The reminders can be verbal (as in "You have 5 more minutes before bedtime) or visual (timer). Sometimes, a pictorial daily schedule may help.

4. Don’t just focus on his bad behaviour. If he does something that is acceptable, let him know how his actions have impacted others. E.g. You cleared away your toys and put them neatly in the box, this makes it easier for you to look for your toys the next time you want to play with them.

5. Use stories to discuss about prosocial behaviour. Discuss what happens to the characters in the story when their behaviour is acceptable/unacceptable. If he were the character in the story, what would he have done? Why? Stories that talk about emotions are also very appropriate. How are the characters feeling in the story? Have you ever felt this way? How did the character in the story handle their feelings? What are the consequences? Why? If you were the character in the story, how would you handle it? Why? What are the consequences of doing A or B? You can role play using puppets.

Titles of stories:
1. The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein
2. When Sophie Gets Really Angry
3. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst
4. It’s Mine by Leo Lionni
5. Tidy Titch by Pat Hutchins
6. The Grouchy Lady Bug by Eric Carle

Hope this helps.

Reply to ^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour on Thu, 15 Aug 2013 04:54:28 GMT

ftwmum — Thu, 15 Aug 2013 04:54:28 GMT

:thankyou: Icymama

:snuggles:
Feeling abit better today.
Praying for my DS everyday.

Jia you to me and DS

Reply to ^^6 yo boy w problematic social behaviour on Wed, 14 Aug 2013 19:59:38 GMT

icy_mama — Wed, 14 Aug 2013 19:59:38 GMT

hi ftwmum, parenting is never easy, heck.... life is tough. :imsorry: your boy's behaviour is giving u so much angst. :hugs:

i'm no expert, but i do believe your child's teacher's suggestion about seeking professional help isn't a bad idea at all. like what u said, your boy's nature isn't bad. behaviour can be taught. it'd be good u get some help before he goes into primary school where the setting is much harder to control than in a kindergarten.

brooding over it and losing sleep over this ain't gonna solve this problem. make that phone call for an appointment.

hope to hear good news from u. in the meantime, hang on. come in and rant anytime.

take care.