How to work with insolent children

Reply to How to work with insolent children on Sun, 18 Apr 2010 14:03:47 GMT

sharon1234 — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 14:03:47 GMT

I think children pick up habits from people around them, they could be children from school, people at home etc.

Hence, I make an effort to explain to my dd (pri 2) whenever I notice bad attitude from her. It is easy for her to change to the better at her age.

Reply to How to work with insolent children on Sun, 18 Apr 2010 08:30:39 GMT

adhdadhd — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 08:30:39 GMT

Lynn2:
Hello

May I know how do u deal with kid that like to talk back?

Am pretty frustrated these days wif my girl.

I was coaching her on her work earlier, and waiting for her to finish,I was looking at the computer for some info.I hurried her.Guess how she talked back?You are looking at your computer what...I got pissed off and I told her off, am wasting my time, sitting next to her waiting for her to finish a piece of her work.She is not indept, if am not there, she will wonder away, catching ends, drawing etc...

thanks

My DS also P5, he has mild-ADHD, also similar kind of attitude, dealing with him is blood vomiting at times... he has selective independency, ie: independent in HW with the subjects he is interested (Math and Science), he will also talks back. Especially Chinese! Sigh...

I understand kids at this age is experiencing hormone changes, due to beginning stage of puberty. So we need to learn to tolerate their nonsense...

Reply to How to work with insolent children on Sun, 18 Apr 2010 06:25:56 GMT

Lynn2 — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 06:25:56 GMT

primary 5

tankee:
how old is this daughter?

Reply to How to work with insolent children on Sun, 18 Apr 2010 06:24:30 GMT

tankee — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 06:24:30 GMT

how old is this daughter?

Reply to How to work with insolent children on Sun, 18 Apr 2010 05:51:22 GMT

Lynn2 — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 05:51:22 GMT

Hello

May I know how do u deal with kid that like to talk back?

Am pretty frustrated these days wif my girl.

I was coaching her on her work earlier, and waiting for her to finish,I was looking at the computer for some info.I hurried her.Guess how she talked back?You are looking at your computer what…I got pissed off and I told her off, am wasting my time, sitting next to her waiting for her to finish a piece of her work.She is not indept, if am not there, she will wonder away, catching ends, drawing etc…

thanks

Reply to How to work with insolent children on Mon, 01 Feb 2010 07:34:48 GMT

Funz — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 07:34:48 GMT

There are certain things in my house that will be non negotiable. And when it come to enforcing such things, I will be totally autocratic. For example, 1st thing to do when you wake up is to wash up. No reading, no TV, no games 1st, brush teeth, wash up, breakfast before anything else. I don’t care if it’s a school day or a weekend or holidays. When my kids ask why, my answer to them is this is basic hygiene and it is also the way I want it to be, no need to ask why. Next time when you have your own house you can set your own rules. So bad hor.

DD started behaving in a very diao man manner last week. She never behaved like that in the past. She will cross her arms and stamp her feet and say things like, I want it now means now. Then go huffing and puffing and sit down at the sofa to sulk. 1st time, I ignored her. But the 2nd time, I told her to get her butt off the couch and come to me. And she did, but still with her crossed arms and stamping feet. So I warned her and told her to stop her arms crossing and stamping and saying things like want it now means now. No raised voices just low serious tones telling her how disappointed and sad I am to see my girl behaving like a brat. Then I told her to go reflect on her behaviour. When she has sorted out her thinking she can come and talk to me. It took all of 3 mins and she came to me with tears in her eyes and an apology. That was when we revisit the original topic of what she wanted in the first place and worked out a compromise.

I know that her insisting on having her way without hearing me out or explaining to me why she wants it that way could be an imitation of my no negotiation attitude towards some stuff. But just as mummy here is learning what makes them tick and what methods work best with them, they are also learning what method works best with mummy.

Reply to How to work with insolent children on Mon, 01 Feb 2010 00:25:10 GMT

Blobbi — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 00:25:10 GMT

Sigh. I read backwards on this thread and it offers such a wealth of wisdom.

Hugs to you, Andiaz, I know how it feels. If the incident is isolated, it'd be ok to close one eye. But if your DD is heading towards preteendom or already in the throes of it, I gather it's gonna be awhile.

Anyway, I was locked in a power struggle with my son last week and it wasn't a pretty sight :(. We've always been laissez faire at home cos DS is a prize fighter cock, and fighting with him trains him to be even better. He knows the rules - as long as it's reasonable and he argues without being rude or throwing a tantrum, we'll generally compromise. He's usually a sweet kid albeit with a sharp tongue.

Anyway, suffice to say, there's a new stressor - homework. I went from being gently persuasive to snarling witch after two weeks. When that didn't work, my inital move was to get even harsher - punishment by docking pocket money (he got ruder by the day), but the response was for me!

The net result though, is that we both learnt. He says he'll finish up homework in school where he can, and he's been exemplary the last few days, and me, I've reverted to being my persuasive, supportive self.

Maybe these one-off tightening of the screws will have to happen to \"reset\" the settings once in a while, and the trick is to make it as painlesss as possible while delivering the message and waiting for the negtive behaviour to subside. Will have to think of how. Anyone has ideas?? :?:

Reply to How to work with insolent children on Sun, 31 Jan 2010 17:31:59 GMT

Andaiz — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 17:31:59 GMT

VitoRelax:
kiasimom:

As long as my child is not rude, it may be a positive thing for him to reason with me.

It shows that he has the ability to analyse.
You are right, but usually they are downright rude & showed lack of respect !!

What do you do then ?

Tell them \"I say no/so\"...then when both are calmer, talk this through.

I've always cajoled and even plead and this year (okay, okay, it's Feb liao), I told myself, enough is enough...today at the shop when she dilly-dallied and started to talk back when I told her to hurry up and choose her product, she started getting rude.

I told her, \"okay, in that case we're not getting XXX.\" in my sternest voice; and then the shoplady (obviously NOT a parent) commented out loud, \"wah, you so strict ah\" :roll:

Sometimes, we just have to seize the moment and show DD/DS that we are serious...next time, it'd get easier coz she/he would think twice in being rude and answering back just for the sake of answering back; and in testing limits.

All the best!

Reply to How to work with insolent children on Tue, 15 Dec 2009 14:18:15 GMT

VitoRelax — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 14:18:15 GMT

kiasimom:

As long as my child is not rude, it may be a positive thing for him to reason with me.

It shows that he has the ability to analyse.

You are right, but usually they are downright rude & showed lack of respect !!

What do you do then ?

Reply to How to work with insolent children on Tue, 15 Dec 2009 12:37:50 GMT

radiantmum — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 12:37:50 GMT

kiasimom:
I take it that it is healthy for a child to talk back.

I will first determine the reason why he talks back.
I will listen to him and I will then analyse why he talks back.

I don't advocate the idea that as parents we are always right.

The child should have a mind of his own and be encouraged to speak up on what is in his mind.

I don't want to raise a robot who will only listens to instructions but deprive of his thinkings and mindset.

As long as my child is not rude, it may be a positive thing for him to reason with me.

It shows that he has the ability to analyse.

:goodpost: EXACTLY my sentiments!

Reply to How to work with insolent children on Tue, 15 Dec 2009 11:52:27 GMT

kiasimom — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 11:52:27 GMT

I take it that it is healthy for a child to talk back.

I will first determine the reason why he talks back.
I will listen to him and I will then analyse why he talks back.

I don’t advocate the idea that as parents we are always right.

The child should have a mind of his own and be encouraged to speak up on what is in his mind.

I don’t want to raise a robot who will only listens to instructions but deprive of his thinkings and mindset.

As long as my child is not rude, it may be a positive thing for him to reason with me.

It shows that he has the ability to analyse.

Reply to How to work with insolent children on Tue, 15 Dec 2009 11:29:40 GMT

VitoRelax — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 11:29:40 GMT

Does your child answer back ?

How do you deal with it ?

Thanks

Reply to How to work with insolent children on Thu, 05 Nov 2009 03:02:58 GMT

daisyt — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 03:02:58 GMT

After reading skippy’s posting, I fully agree with her.

Yelling or shouting will not do any good or solve the problem. Reasoning, talk it out, discussion are the best approach. Being an adult, we should be cool and calm before tackling the problems with our kids. Of course, adults are also normal human beings, we can lost control sometimes. I remember a situation, I was quite nervous on one issue that I kept repeating and nagging to dd. Instead of flare up on my nagging, she calmed me down "Relax mummy, cool down. Breath in, breath out !", with a smile. Immediately, my temperature drop and we were able to continue the discussion, with no heat. On the other hand, when discussion become out of control and the kids demand too much, we parents should know when to say, "No, this is not acceptable."

When there are heat argument, it is best to let both sides cool down. After cooling down, we should try to explain to them our standing, reasons and not just let it pass and forget about it.

Reply to How to work with insolent children on Sat, 31 Oct 2009 16:34:04 GMT

Starling — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 16:34:04 GMT

Hi, thanks for the tips. I feel much better knowing that all feel that parenting is a tough journey.

I am already facing the shouting match with my 4 yr old boy and I am really worried that it will get bad to worse. When daddy is around, the boy is better behaved.

I finally have a taste of the extent today when he shouted at me in a bookshop. Not only that, when he knew that I am not buying a particular book, he had the audacity to try running out of the shop!!!

Imagine what would have happen if he had really gone off…I really gave him a good scolding outside after his bad behaviour. Told him of the consequence of his action.

Reply to How to work with insolent children on Fri, 30 Oct 2009 05:29:33 GMT

mummy of 2 — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 05:29:33 GMT

Thanks for the book recommendation. Have reserved a copy from NLB.

Reply to How to work with insolent children on Fri, 30 Oct 2009 04:17:28 GMT

kiasimom — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 04:17:28 GMT

My boy is 9 years old too.

I suppose this is call peer influence.
Kids nowadays are very different from the past. They don’t take instructions blindly.
My boy will ask me why if he feels that my instruction is not right ( according to him ).
Kids at his age is beginning to have their own identity and ownership. They want to make decisions themselves and want their decision to be affirmed.
So I always let him do the talking as in why he feels otherwise and after listening to him, I will then explain to him why I expect him to listen to me.
When he feels that I have a point, he will agree with me and listens to me.
I believe as adults we expect respect, but kids also expect respect from the adults.
And I will much prefer my kids to respect me head to toe rather than the autocratic respect.
Listen to your kids and you will be amazed to know how his little mind can surprise you.

Reply to How to work with insolent children on Fri, 30 Oct 2009 02:33:52 GMT

sosomum — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 02:33:52 GMT

Yes, Great books. worth reading as there are many scenerios in comics strips. Many times, we know what we should and should not do, but in practical, it is hard to control. Occasionally, i find myself using the tips and it improves the situation. so, happy reading. :celebrate:

Reply to How to work with insolent children on Fri, 30 Oct 2009 01:39:13 GMT

schweppes — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 01:39:13 GMT

Not sure if this might help but I read this book which helped me to be more mindful of my kids' feelings and their growing up angst.

A friend introduced the following books to me which help parents to communicate more effectively with their children. The authors Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish wrote 2 books:

1. How to Talk so Teens will Listen & Listen so Teens will Talk (suitable for parents whose children are 11 years and above)

2. How to Talk so Kids will Listen & Listen so Kids will Talk (suitable for parents whose kids are 10 and below)

I bought the Teens book and the authors covered topics like:

- listen and respond helpfully to our teenager's concerns
- express our irritation and anger without being hurtful
- take action without punishing
- encourage our teens to assume responsibility and take ownership of their actions
- work out problems together
- talk about sex and drugs without preaching or alienating

What I like about the book:

- easy reading
- describes real problems that families face and suggestions to overcome them
- cartoons and illustrations that help to convey the key points => some of the examples used sound like what might happen in my own home
- it's one of those books that u don't mind re-reading again for a \"refresher\" course

Whilst our family backgrounds are different from each other, we share the same parenting woes and headaches. In other words, trying to cope with our children who are trying to assert themselves, rude, talk-back, would rather listen to their friends than their parents, school pressure, cyber influence and more...

It ain't easy being a parent! :stupid:

I can't comment on the Kids book as I did not read the book. But, apparently, it has garned rave reviews from parents and and has sold more than 2 million copies worldwide.

If u want to read other reviews, u can log on to amazon.com and key in the authors' name in their search engine.

And if you are really interested, guess u can borrow it from the libraries. I've also seen copies at Borders, Times and MPH (not sure about Popular). What I'd do is wait for the Borders weekend discounts (sometimes as much as 30%) and get the book. Saves $$!

Did it work for me and my family?

Somewhat. I do try to practise what the authors advise in the book and the suggestions do come in useful. It does help me and my children to communicate more effectively too - without the yelling and threats. But I must also confess that there are moments - in a fit of frustration - whatever parenting tips I've read are thrown out of the window. But hey! I'm not perfect, lah! :oops:

The book is definitely not a panadol to our parenting headaches, but it does give great tips and ideas on how to parent our kids more effectively.

Happy reading!

Reply to How to work with insolent children on Thu, 29 Oct 2009 14:15:41 GMT

Skippy — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 14:15:41 GMT

//Editor's note: Topic selected for http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/listen-child-talks-back

Very sad to read so many mums agreeing with the Autocratic method of telling kids to do as they are told with the assumption that their children are so dumb to know any better. Children are the product of their parents and come to us with wisdom, intuition and a sense of themselves. They are not in training to be adults. They are children and are living in the NOW. Let's respect that to begin.

Of course children are going to chat back, it's called thinking for themselves. We should welcome this time. I read a recent parent blog about parents paying to send their children to a course that provides THINKING SKILLS, yet when our kids think and talk back, we cannot bear it ! Very confusing !

Perhaps when your child talks back to you, as one mum said she reasons with her child. Good for you ! When our children talk back, it's so important as parents we talk back to them in a loving way and communicate with them effectively. This teaches them good communication! Answer their questions, reason with them and teach them. You are their first and foremost teacher, it's your job to teach them. You don't need to put up with rudeness or disrespect but you do need to address it in a loving way. \"When you talk to me by raising your voice, it hurts my feelings. Please don't do this. I am happy to talk with you and I don't like being yelled at\".

When children hear your feelings have been hurt, they are less likely to do it and more likely to apologise. However, when mums yell back, thus starts the yelling match and no body wins, no body teaches (Oh yes, parents have just thought kids to yell lounder!).

Don't use abstract words like \"I don't like it when your so rude\" - Rude is a label and can mean many things, instead spell out their behaviour \"I don't like it when you walk away as I am talking to you\" tells the child excactly what he or she has done and is more mindful about what is upsetting you. \"I am really disappointed that you did not ring me to tell me you were going to be so late. I was so worried about you\" rather than \"You are never going out again and you have no respect for not calling me blah blah blah\" -

\"You\" messages are very damaging and label and blames children - this type of labelling effects a child's self-esteem, distances you from the child who begins to dislike you, and is ineffective in making the child do what the child does not want to do.

So try LISTENING to your child rather than constantly talking. It really does help ! To listen mean to actively tune into what the child is really saying and no asking questions one after the other. Listening means to tune into the child's real feelings and to empathise with them. Listening means to suspend your own agenda and listen to what your child is really telling you.

After all you want to nurture your relationship with your child whilst she or he is growing up to think enough to answer back to you. If you shut your child off, your child will never tell you anything and as the teen years approach you will hear yourself complaining to your friends \"he never tells me anything\" \"I don't know what he is doing or thinking or where he goes\" etc. So start whilst your children are younger so that you will build a strong loving bond of trust and many loving conversations toward harmony and peace. In the process of talking and listening you will be teaching your child to think, become empathic young people and to relate to you in a loving way.

Skippy

Reply to How to work with insolent children on Thu, 29 Oct 2009 06:37:28 GMT

Emelyn — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 06:37:28 GMT

daisyt:
EN:
Look back. Is your ds having the same temperament or personality as you or dh or anyone close?

Oooppsss ! Yes, me and dd, exactly the same mold. :oops:

erm.... DS1 and me.... same model too...
that's why I can understand DS1's emotion and behaviour better than DH.
And also more \"forgiving\"...cos like i tell DH... \"I'm also like that....\" :oops:

Reply to How to work with insolent children on Thu, 29 Oct 2009 06:35:51 GMT

daisyt — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 06:35:51 GMT

EN:
Look back. Is your ds having the same temperament or personality as you or dh or anyone close?

Oooppsss ! Yes, me and dd, exactly the same mold. :oops:

Reply to How to work with insolent children on Wed, 28 Oct 2009 02:41:06 GMT

david59 — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 02:41:06 GMT

Andaiz:

david59, there's also those who cry because they do not know how else to handle this (the limited-repertoir one :roll: ).

True. Esp. for those who did something wrong which I classify as childish irresponsibility as what James Dobson called it: due to the child's lack of motor skill n not a mischief; eg. like dropping a glass by a little two year old kid whose handling skill is still not stable yet.

Thks

Reply to How to work with insolent children on Tue, 27 Oct 2009 15:47:47 GMT

Eagle-Ladybird — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 15:47:47 GMT

I think the thread is blurring the line with \"discipline\", which is currently being discussed under, something like \"spare the rod and spolit the child\".

But what the heck, it's worth reading :lol:

Reply to How to work with insolent children on Tue, 27 Oct 2009 14:49:42 GMT

en107rn.01056yahoo.01056com.01056sg — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 14:49:42 GMT

Sorry to have hijack this "kid talk back" thread. Just answering to emelyn on our cry for everything kid.

emelyn, my ds is like me. We are very tough, jovial, extremely friendly to stranger and friends. If things get rough like being bullied or burden with heavy work load, we will just grit out teeth and happily work through the piles. No tears. If there is a need to fight back for our rights, I will and so will ds. I was knocked down by a car when I was 8, concious, in pain but no tears. DS does not cry either when he punctured his head (blood dripping), he fell and hit his head on the gate while running. But when things comes sincerely from the heart, we sure pours. I still do. Worst still during job interview. Lucky it was done on a long distance call & no webcam. Got the job, so I dont think the interviewer heard my silent cry.

Look back. Is your ds having the same temperament or personality as you or dh or anyone close?

I know it is exasperating but the tears shows sincerity and it comes comes from the heart.