SpartanMum:

Set the tone early - that honesty is a highly regarded value by the whole family.

SpartanMum:

The other very important point is role modeling. Yes, we all tell the occasional white lie. But once your child knows that you are a honest mum and you are also honest with hubby and others, they are likely to follow suit.
Set the tone early - that honesty is a highly regarded value by the whole family.

concern2:

happyfeet3:

Hi concern2, your experience is same as what I am facing now. My ds now accused his sister stole his money from piggy bank. There is no trust at all at home now. I will try to use your approach to rescue the situation. It's quite hard to earn back the trust, once we forgive and try to trust her , she lies again. Is it some kids prone to tell lies, I wonder?! Does your girl lying habit stop now? How long does if take to rectify the problem?

It is an on-going challenge. We need to watch ourselves and let them know we can be trusted, and we can handle the truth. Otherwise, they will continue to hide things from us and tell white lies to avoid getting scolded. The more we dwell in their 'stories' trying to find loop holes, the more they know how our mind works, and it is a dangerous path to tread cos it will only help them in refining their lies.

The better way is to have faith in them, and show you love them. When you shower them with love, their guilt (if any) will emerge, and the truth will eventually surface.

Perhaps you need to look specifically at what kind of situations she's more likely to lie. For DD, she likes to buy things from the school bookshop, and she knows I am against buying things on impulse. For her, the cute stationery that the school bookshop offers are just too tempting. She would secretly bring her money from her piggy bank to buy them during recess. Occasionally, I would discover she has bought something new, and I would have a heart-to-heart talk with her and try to understand why she bought that thing.

Every kid is different. I never had this problem with DS. He once spent his day's pocket money on a toy instead of food in P1. I reprimanded him and made him promise never to do it and he kept his word. With DD, my same gesture failed to have an impact, and it resulted in her lying.

Now, instead of making sure she never buys, I ask what she wanted to buy and to show me what she had bought. She also learnt that it is better to show me than to hide it because sooner or later I would find out. And she would explain to me her reason for buying. We would go through the same questions and rationalisation in her purchasing behaviour because I do not wish that she turn into a shopaholic or a material girl, and eventually grow up to be one of those girls who are willing to do anything for a branded bag.

I think what is important between mother and daughter is to build the bond and to maintain it well. They do not have sisters to share things with and only have us. Later on, they will share more with their friends and it's going to get even more complicated as they grow up.

We need to continue to grow and be strong as parents.

happyfeet3:

Hi concern2, your experience is same as what I am facing now. My ds now accused his sister stole his money from piggy bank. There is no trust at all at home now. I will try to use your approach to rescue the situation. It's quite hard to earn back the trust, once we forgive and try to trust her , she lies again. Is it some kids prone to tell lies, I wonder?! Does your girl lying habit stop now? How long does if take to rectify the problem?

concern2:

When my DD first told lies, I reprimanded her for it. I caught her telling lies again for different things, and I caned her.


One day, somehow, something clicked inside me. I realized that I had never specifically told her that telling lies is wrong. You know when you've read stories like cry wolf to them when they were younger, that you've taught them telling lies is wrong that they would remember. But how wrong could I be. They were too young to tell lies then!

Now that they are older, they make mistakes, and they try to avoid being reprimanded or punished by telling lies. So that day when it 'clicked', I told her how I trusted her, how her lies made me lose trust in her, how eventually people would not believe her even if she was telling the truth. - Yes, explaining the story of cry wolf, but now in the real context. It became a teaching moment.

Many things that kids do have to be taught, and telling lies is not acceptable also needs to be taught. Some kids like DS doesn't tell lies at all. He stammers and looks awkward, and out comes the truth. But with DD, she is glib, and the stories get more interesting until you don't suspect anything. But lies being lies, and kids being kids, their stories just got TOO interesting and you know they are lying.

I told her how I felt, and reminded her that there would be consequences. Sure enough, DS started suspecting her when he couldn't find his things, and DD got upset. For a period of time, DD struggled to earn our trust again.

It is still an on-going challenge, not something that DD understood \"cannot tell lies, it is wrong\", and never did it from then on. No, it didn't happen that way. It took a few instances for her to really learn her lesson about telling lies.

And I am also guilty of over-reacting which slowed down the learning curve. Both of us were learning together. The last time which I started raising my voice when I suspected she wasn't telling the truth again, DH came to my rescue.

He took over and used the soft approach and eventually got her to admit and say sorry to me. I hugged her and explained that I wouldn't have been so angry if she told me the truth right from the beginning. Since those few episodes, her behaviour in this aspect has improved. From her perspective, I suppose she was also beginning to trust that I wouldn't get hysterical over the mistakes that she make.

Hope this helps.