Parents' Allowances - How much?

Reply to Parents' Allowances - How much? on Fri, 15 Nov 2013 19:16:00 GMT

insider — Fri, 15 Nov 2013 19:16:00 GMT

frusparents:
Back to the 心想事成, just curious, it seems quite similar to the western religion when they claim that their prxxers come true. Is it similar? But one is depend on external divine one is depend on one's will & determination?

心想事成 is 'relevant' to all religions in my opinion (in terms of 'prayers'). To me it's not so much on we are depending on external divine coz one is not going to just sit there and pray and do nothing if one wants something. He/she has to work towards it as well (like cannot just pray to be rich and expect the money to fall from the sky unless one really has the 'seed' to strike ToTo or lottery. One still has to strive and such striving will allow 'roads' to be open for money to flow in (if the money seed is there in the first place).

I just returned from an overseas trip and had another 心想事成 story to share.

My elder son and I were about 15 kgs overweight for our luggage.

While in the queue, I was calculating if counter refused to let me check in all my 4 pcs, then I would take the smaller one as a hand carry (split the weight between myself and son to pass the max weight for hand carry pc).

But I was really hoping that all luggage could be checked in coz I really dislike having to lug anything up the plane (90% of the time I went up the plane with just my backpack laptop and my handbag).

Son was thinking of how to split the 15 kgs in the small luggage and I told him don't need to think first lah, wait then see how.

The queue slowed down when there were about another 4 pax in front of us. Jammed for a while and not moving. Son was telling me to change queue and I told him to stay on coz we were not in a hurry.

So we waited.

When it was our turn, we realized what caused the jam.

The digital weighing scale broke down!

Haha...all my luggage got checked in without having to weigh...

Added another 'coincidence' in my life...

PS:
frusparents, don't anyhow think of 'bad' things hor, coz they will also materialize if the 'seeds' are there. Always stay positive and be optimistic!

Reply to Parents' Allowances - How much? on Fri, 18 Oct 2013 08:18:55 GMT

shanshan — Fri, 18 Oct 2013 08:18:55 GMT

Some religious organisation ask you to donate 10% of your salary. for your mum, you should give any amount you like from your heart.

Reply to Parents' Allowances - How much? on Wed, 16 Oct 2013 18:59:53 GMT

mummy OnABudget — Wed, 16 Oct 2013 18:59:53 GMT

i give $0 reason being my dad is a business man estranged from me but not my kids and also because my mum passed away when i was 12 of a medical condition but he also must be blamed for what he did and did not do for my mum when she was alive.

But i give to my granny who brought me up 700 a month hubby give 300 so he pass her 1k a month as he has no parents to give to as well, i know everyone said we should let and let live but for a man like him to not even want to go down to collect the wife body nor the funeral and he told this to me hes busy full stop hang up my phone.

Reply to Parents' Allowances - How much? on Mon, 30 Sep 2013 02:06:03 GMT

frusparents — Mon, 30 Sep 2013 02:06:03 GMT

Insider, thanks for sharing

Many people that I know, including myself, sometimes realised that our 心想事成 only happens when it's sth bad, e good nvr happens no matter how much we 心想.

For myself, in my younger days after graduation, things nvr came easy to me. Everything I wanted was met with so much obstacles and hardship it could hv broken me. I hv thus learnt to 靠天/人不如靠自己. But I do acknowledge the power of the mind is no small matter.

Back to the 心想事成, just curious, it seems quite similar to the western religion when they claim that their prxxers come true. Is it similar? But one is depend on external divine one is depend on one's will & determination?

Reply to Parents' Allowances - How much? on Sun, 29 Sep 2013 15:42:36 GMT

cherrygal — Sun, 29 Sep 2013 15:42:36 GMT

Thanks insider for sharing.

Reply to Parents' Allowances - How much? on Sun, 29 Sep 2013 13:38:29 GMT

insider — Sun, 29 Sep 2013 13:38:29 GMT

2. I am someone who is very particular about dining light. I combed through Balestier and Jalan Besar for countless hours for this piece of light, on and off would write down the shop address and the light design if I found the light acceptable.

I saw a piece of light made of seashells in one of the shops. Like it enough to jot it down.

Finally, after three weekends of combing (walked till chao-ta under the hot weather), I decided on the seashell light.

BUT, I lose the address.

I went back to the shops in Balestier and Jalan Besar again, shop by shop I couldn’t find the light.

I was so disappointed.

My mum and sisters were chasing after my back for the dining light (that was the only piece that was missing in the house) but I just refused to settle for the second best.

Then one weekend I went to Jalan Besar Hoe Kee to buy some sanitary fixtures. I passed by a lighting shop with my brother. Then my brother told me to just anyhow pick a piece to stop my mum from nagging.

Reluctantly I walked into the shop, looked hard and finally picked a hanging light with a fabric shade (fabric is nice but difficult to maintain). After discussing with the seller how I wanted to modify the light (adding a cover at the top to stop dust collecting), I went to the counter to pay money.

After I fished out my credit card and passed to the cashier, I saw the IDENTICAL seashell light on the table top behind the cashier!

I asked seller why so nice light and he didn’t display and he replied coz ‘just arrived’.

I went home so happily with the seashell light!

心想事成again…

PS:
I have many many such encounters in my life, enough to make me have the patience to really wait for something that I want to happen instead of worrying about it… (of course, still have to try best to achieve that something while waiting).

Reply to Parents' Allowances - How much? on Sun, 29 Sep 2013 13:23:04 GMT

insider — Sun, 29 Sep 2013 13:23:04 GMT

OT a bit to share my recent experiences on 心想事成.

1. I helped my mum renovate her new house. Got in two quotes from two carpenters. One quoted very high and the other with a lower quote had an arrogant attitude (everything also not negotiable).

I needed to confirm the carpenter fast coz of deadline but both I also no like.

Then I asked around friends for recommendation and nothing fruitful came out from my asking.

So, was in a panicky mode and thought maybe I would just have to deal with that arrogant guy.

One day, after seeing light fixtures in Balestier, I hopped in a cab.

The cab man chatted with me and asked me 'You renovating your house?"

I replied, "Yes. Very tiring."

Then he asked, "You have got yourself a contractor oredi?"

I replied, "Yes." (actually I have a contractor who did wet work and a carpenter who did furniture. My regular contractor is only good in wet work and his workmanship on furniture is not so good and so I didn’t use him).

Then he said, "Too bad. If you have not got yourself one, then I have one very good one to recommend you. I know him for many years and my past 3 houses were done by him. A very responsible person with good workmanship."

I remained silence and listened to him talking about his friendship with his contractor friend (was really tired after hours of walk looking at lighting fixtures).

When I was about to alight, it suddenly daunted on me that I could ask for the contact.

The cab man gladly given it to me.

I contacted the man and he turned up to be the BEST carpenter whom I ever know for house furnishing. He is responsible, swift in response, honest, and serious in his work with good taste (not Phua Chu Kang style). Some more, prices cheaper than the arrogant one. When my sister saw his workmanship, she straight away exclaimed, "I want him to do my house!"

So, my 心想 ‘activated’ the 事成…

Reply to Parents' Allowances - How much? on Sun, 29 Sep 2013 13:07:20 GMT

insider — Sun, 29 Sep 2013 13:07:20 GMT

Jovialcho:
Sad case... If parents or spouse choose that way, whole family will have mental breakdown n stressful...

We have to take care of own emotional health first.

If emotionally one is not strong enough, then yes, she can withdraw from a situation and can even choose to cut contact instead of forcing herself to be a 'saint'. Paramount is she must know where is her baseline and cannot bite her tongue to the point of going crazy. That say, there must at least be attempts to try till last minute and not the moment kena stressed, the moment she runs away.

It's just that this life she 'failed', then next life she has to repeat it again, and hopefully she is doing many good deeds in this life that in her next life, she will be born with more strength to handle the SAME situation.

A SAME situation, but people with different strengths will always assess and face it differently. Some choose to overcome, some will always choose to flee...

Reply to Parents' Allowances - How much? on Sun, 29 Sep 2013 13:01:32 GMT

insider — Sun, 29 Sep 2013 13:01:32 GMT

frusparents:
Just curious, how abt those who are not giving due to \"special\" circumstances?

Essence here is to give within your means. If one is really not having enough or barely enough for own family (like my two brothers), then it is more acceptable. But then it is not the case whereby the 'not enough' is coz want to send two children to $1000/month childcare or want to feed an expensive car or dog or a big house (those 'poor' rich people).

For people who have irresponsible parents, can give within means provided the money is not to be used for ill purposes (like gambling or doing drugs or prostitution). To continue giving = more harm than good. Even if don't give and when such parents are at their ripe own aged when needing medical care help, those who can contribute should do so coz can never allow own parents to 横死街头 (this is ultra 大逆不道）. Being a Buddhist, there're the 因 and 果 between the parent and child that either party has to 放下 (via not bearing grudges) and move on.

Similarly for own children, we are unlikely to foresake our kids no matter what kinds they are now or what forms they will become in the future. We should have same kind of tolerance and forgiveness towards our parents as compared to what we can shower on our kids.

The case I ever shared about my friend who was raped repeatedly by her father and how she saw her father tearing in his comatose state at his last breathe sort of reinforce my believe that the bad father has gone back to his original 'pure' self at his last moments and when my friend apparently forgave him (with the act of taking care of him), their 恩怨 would have 烟消云散 in this life and don't need to carry forward to the next life (meaning if my friend chose to bear grudges etc, then next life she may become the father to rape/torture back her father who may have become her child, then the cycle begins...)

PS: You may watch this that I posted elsewhere to see a parent's unwavering love for a child and such feelings must be two-way for a child to his parent:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKQvHqhQCu4

Reply to Parents' Allowances - How much? on Sun, 29 Sep 2013 12:46:40 GMT

Jovialcho — Sun, 29 Sep 2013 12:46:40 GMT

Sad case… If parents or spouse choose that way, whole family will have mental breakdown n stressful…

Reply to Parents' Allowances - How much? on Sun, 29 Sep 2013 12:24:13 GMT

frusparents — Sun, 29 Sep 2013 12:24:13 GMT

Just curious, how abt those who are not giving due to "special" circumstances?

Though we know that parents are still parents regardless if they are good or "bad" parents.

Know of 1 whose family members r hard core gamblers and they always ask $$ from their daughter to gamble or clear debts. Once, they "kept" e daughter at their house and refuse to let her go (she’s married) unless she give them a few k to clear their debts.

Another one, sahm whose hubby is not supportive and gives only bare minimal to cover household & kids expenses (not even any extra for the mother herself) but whose maternal family oso keep asking for $$.

Another one, since young her mum is deemed as $$ faced, before she started first job her mum already told her to give 50%-60% of her <$800 salary. When she gave less than expectation, her mum was not happy. There were some love-hate relationship between them and now she’s oso not giving to her parents.

Reply to Parents' Allowances - How much? on Sun, 29 Sep 2013 07:22:02 GMT

Jovialcho — Sun, 29 Sep 2013 07:22:02 GMT

Generally what we do for our kids will pass over to their generation; hope this tradition will continue forever…

Reply to Parents' Allowances - How much? on Sun, 29 Sep 2013 05:11:55 GMT

zbear — Sun, 29 Sep 2013 05:11:55 GMT

Funz, I strongly support what you say. Although you may not want to burden yr kids in future, its our Asian culture that children shld practise filial piety n yes, the $ will eventually go back to them. We r just saving the $ for them.

Reply to Parents' Allowances - How much? on Sun, 29 Sep 2013 03:08:06 GMT

Funz — Sun, 29 Sep 2013 03:08:06 GMT

I give my parents as well as my grandparents. I do not give my in-laws though, but I made sure DH does.

As for my kids, they saw me giving my parents money and asked me about it. I explained to them that granma and granpa worked hard to provide for mummy and now it is time for me to provide for them.

Over dinner one day, DS suddenly declared that he wants to have many streams of income, one main job, and he also wants to be a youtuber to earn side income, and he said he will give me half of what he makes. DH told him we will not need him to give us any money. I immediately stopped DH there. I told DS I am very happy to hear that he has that intention and that it will mean a lot to me if he really does give me an allowance, however much, when he starts working. But more importantly, he must always have us in his heart, not only give allowance but his time, respect and his concern as well.

DH has this thinking that he does not want to rely on kiddos in our old age. I think it has to do with his experience with his parents. He feels that it is a burden as his parents were, at one point, always asking for more and more money. I told him I expect our kids to still give us an allowance. We may not need it but it is a ‘duty’ that I want my children to learn. At the end of the day, whatever money they give us will most probably end up going back to them anyway.

We had a difference of opinion in this matter, still have actually. But I am hoping he will come around now that his relations with his mother is improving.

Reply to Parents' Allowances - How much? on Sat, 28 Sep 2013 16:59:15 GMT

insider — Sat, 28 Sep 2013 16:59:15 GMT

Imami:
I hv this habit of trying to provide for people whom I hold closely in my heart.

This one always fits into Einstein's great theory of relativity.

BIG Heart = BIG Return......

Reply to Parents' Allowances - How much? on Sat, 28 Sep 2013 16:54:25 GMT

Imami — Sat, 28 Sep 2013 16:54:25 GMT

insider:

Hello Imami,

If you mum didnt 'remind' or 'teach' you to give parents money, you think you will still give?

Hi insider,

I think yes, I would still give - whether or not my mum has taught me or not. Money was never enough for the family for two decades. Even in my growing up years, I could appreciate the lack of money and how it had affected us as a family. And moreover, I hv this habit of trying to provide for people whom I hold closely in my heart.

Reply to Parents' Allowances - How much? on Sat, 28 Sep 2013 16:46:10 GMT

insider — Sat, 28 Sep 2013 16:46:10 GMT

Imami:
I think she has the best intention in mind 孩子尽孝道是为自己好。

Hello Imami,

If you mum didnt 'remind' or 'teach' you to give parents money, you think you will still give?

Somehow I just feel 尽孝 should be a natural instinct of human being (it's '道' and therefore = 自然）but somehow, some of us lose it somewhere along the line, that we allow other matters to take priority over this basic thing = 违道 = 不自然 = adding to ourselves some unnecessarily obstacles in life that can affect our future generations coz of we chose to go the 'unnatural' way.

I brought my daughter to China recently to buy some books for her GRE exams next year.

She been to China three times but other times were with my family members and this recent trip was the first trip that she went alone with me.

She observed how many young ones there work - carrying heavy things and walking a distance to deliver goods, perspiring and panting heavily.

Through her observations, suddenly she told me, \"Mum, I would never dare to complain about my study is stressful anymore. My stress is nothing compared to this youngsters (about 16/17 years old) who have to slog like this to make so minimal. I am just so lucky to have the chance to study.\"

A lot of learning are through observations and internal thoughts processing to form 'enlightenment'. If one cannot learn through many life lessons available FOC around him/her, then I would say no matter how one intends to teach the child also quite no use...

PS:
My 孝道 towards my parents is sort of 'natural' one (coz I don't remember ever once they told me must be 孝顺 to them). Internalised it in school (Chinese helicopters always 忠孝仁爱 emphasis) and the many many storybooks that I read when young... (my mum is also a very filial daughter herself to my grandparents and so I believe this one also 'groomed' me 'naturally'...)

Reply to Parents' Allowances - How much? on Sat, 28 Sep 2013 15:29:05 GMT

insider — Sat, 28 Sep 2013 15:29:05 GMT

Funz:

So who knows, your niece in law may have another side that you or your daughter have not seen. Just like my relatives have never seen the party girl that I was.

Ya, hope my niece in law can be like you. She really looks good (pretty and well educated).

The dinner was an expensive one and I don't think the 'kids' pay a single cent.

To still 'eff' her mum in such a situation is really 不知足 - only know how to complain without contribution.

I just can't stand 'big kid' who don't know how to 感恩...... (my sis-in-law is in her mid 50s with silvery hair and I don't think she deserves this kind of crude words behind her back with all her nieces and nephews from her own daughter...)

Reply to Parents' Allowances - How much? on Sat, 28 Sep 2013 15:24:59 GMT

Imami — Sat, 28 Sep 2013 15:24:59 GMT

smum:
I think most of us will contribute allowance to our parents. Can I ask if the daughter in law in this forum are also giving allowance to their mother in law? I'm actually giving more to my mother in law as compared to my parents. Because in law looking after my kids. Don't dare to let my parents know in case they jealous.

I do not give my pil a monthly allowance as I feel that this is their children's job. Instead, I give red packets and presents on special occasions eg cny or their bdays. My fil loves the shirts I get for him

As for my mil, I buy small things for her eg quiche or egg tarts. She feels a pinch buying these treats for herself. So I would buy for her.

Reply to Parents' Allowances - How much? on Sat, 28 Sep 2013 15:21:01 GMT

Imami — Sat, 28 Sep 2013 15:21:01 GMT

insider:

As long as we have been doing our part to our own parents, this cycle will come when it's our turn (and so don't really need to 'brainwash'.)

Erm.... I don't think my kid even knows I am giving pocket money to my parents (maybe older than tell him) and if I continue not telling, would he know?

My 2nd bro entered work force first. When he first got his salary, he gave my mom $300. Mum said to give father and since then, for more than 20 years, 2nd bro only give father.

When my brother entered work force, he too sold himself to civil service and hence, was able to give mother more, $600. Mum accepted this time round.

I was paid $1300 for my first job. I decided to give about 25% of my gross pay to my parents with my mum getting $200 and father getting $100. Life was still hard (when I was a student working part time) because I had to pay for my part time studies. As my pay rose, my parents' pocket money also increase, same 25% of gross pay. Whenever I get pay increment, bonus etc, they also get a share (exact share/proportion of what I get, eg I get 2 months bonus, they also get 25% of my bonus). 逢年过节, will also hv red packets.

I remember about insider's money bowl theory and as I looked back at my life ( the part on giving money and assistance to family members with no intention for them to return), I realize there is indeed some truth and I can see my money bowl grow.

I am not sure if I would tell my son about giving pocket money to me when he begins earning his keep. That seems a distant thought but I do remember my mum telling me a lot of times when I was a little girl that I shd give parents money as long/much as i can afford. No don't be mistaken, she is not a mercenary woman trying to make her kids her money tree. I think she has the best intention in mind 孩子尽孝道是为知己好。

Reply to Parents' Allowances - How much? on Sat, 28 Sep 2013 15:17:47 GMT

Funz — Sat, 28 Sep 2013 15:17:47 GMT

One can hope that things are not that bad yet. Looking back, I think I was like your niece in law with my peers. Though I will not refer to my mum as effing mother but I did use the swear word rather liberally. And yes I was in my 20s then and yes, earning a comfortable pay, own a car, my own apartment though still living with my parents.

If anyone were to look at my family, they will say we are ang moh pai as well. My parents cannot speak, read or write Chinese. Dad learned Jap and Malay and mum learned Malay. They were not given a chance to learn Chinese.

Despite the seemingly ang moh pai and bochap attitude, I give my parents a portion of my salary, I give my grandparents as well. I party hard and will be home in the wee hours of the mornings but come Sunday, it is family day. And without fail, I will be with my parents visiting my grandma.

So who knows, your niece in law may have another side that you or your daughter have not seen. Just like my relatives have never seen the party girl that I was.

Reply to Parents' Allowances - How much? on Sat, 28 Sep 2013 15:17:35 GMT

insider — Sat, 28 Sep 2013 15:17:35 GMT

sleepy:
Insider jie, I re-read your money bowl theory.

Just wondering how would a person know if she is worth a bonia or LV?

errr...basically if one has to slog very hard to get an LV, then she better be contented with a Bonia.

If someone bought an LV and very fast can get other sum of money to get a Hermes, then she is probably the LV 命 (base on own efforts and not via sugar daddies).

Actually a person can tell what kind of 命 she has base on her personal experiences.

Most of my friends are still chasing after the brands but ok for them to chase coz their income brackets allow them to do so comfortably = LV 命 (I would actually 'fault' them if they save most of their money for old age sake coz it's always my belief that life's short and so can do whatever that pleases one within her means).

To repeat this thing that is always in my mind:

To Die Rich is to Die Disgraced - Andrew Carnegie

When young, I am the Bonia 命 but now I 'upgraded' to an LV 命 (money just keeps flowing in from everywhere that made me scratch my head). However, I don't buy branded stuff anymore and choose to give more to charities. I cannot hold on to all my money so tightly coz worry of have to 破财 somewhere unnecessarily. So, money has to keep going out and the new money to flow in = 两全其美.

I will be willing part of my assets to charities and my insurance advisor just told me there's such a policy that if I want to do so, there's a Legacy Policy that I can buy. After my last breathe, the insurance company will match about 4 times of my money to the charity organisation of my choice. Interesting policy that I yet to listen in details......

Reply to Parents' Allowances - How much? on Sat, 28 Sep 2013 14:54:34 GMT

insider — Sat, 28 Sep 2013 14:54:34 GMT

smum:
I think most of us will contribute allowance to our parents. Can I ask if the daughter in law in this forum are also giving allowance to their mother in law? I'm actually giving more to my mother in law as compared to my parents. Because in law looking after my kids. Don't dare to let my parents know in case they jealous.

I don't give money to my in-law coz taken care by my husband...

Talking about in-law, I share one recent encounter here.

Weeks ago I attended my in-law's grand birthday at a restaurant.

All my husband's brother and sisters were there along with their spouses and kids.

In the middle of the dinner, all the young ones went out 'for a break'.

My daughter feedback to me that their conversation outside was about how bad the dinner taste.

She parroted to me the words from my 25 years old niece in law, \"The food is fxxking awful! Why my fxxking mother arranged this kind of fxxking dinner!\" and the rest went into the the 'fxxking' mode, condemning the dinner.

My daughter was shocked coz my niece in law always looks decent, respectful, polite and smiley and when she told me, I was also quite taken aback too (coz such unkind words towards her own mother should've never come out from her mouth).

Niece-in-law graduated from a local university with a Masters and now holding a comfortable job, driving a car.

Wonder whether she gives her mum money...

PS:

Above is just to share kids in front of us can be very different when they are behind our back. From what I heard from my daughter, this niece in law is almost is like a 'gone case' in her core coz she is not at her rebellious 15 but oredi at 25 and therefore should be matured and stable by now (好命都可以做妈妈了）. Something has gone wrong in her 家教 (her whole family is 100% ang mo pai kind, talking about 'equality', with both parents can only speak 'dry' Mandarin (我不知道 as 'wo bu chi dao').

I can't do anything such as informing my sis-in-law or to talk to my niece coz this is supposed to be the 'secret' among the 'kids' and my daughter cannot be found 'betray' the group of cousins... (apparently when they could speak so openly in front of her, they deemed her an 'insider' instead of an 'outsider'...)

头壳坏了......头壳坏了......