ammonite:

Give advice only when asked. Listen to advice if you think the person has a point. No harm trying out a new method for a while. Parenting is a journey and people/ children change.

rains:

Carolina:

Sorry to say this, but in this case, you are doing to your sister and BIL what your friend is doing to you. It may be done in different ways but it is the same thing, regardless of whether it is a nephew or a good friend's child. Your friend also can claim that she's doing this because your child holds a special place in her heart, so she can't help but interfere. As a mother, does that help it better? Does it make it easier for you to take these sh*t?

But remember this, whenever you do this, regardless of whether it is well-intentioned, you are meddling. At the end of the day, the child is not yours, it is not your responsibility or business. Unless you have sufficient evidence to make a report to the police (i.e. we're talking about real child abuse case). And when it comes to family, it tends to be even more sensitive and complicated, in that you may be unknowingly creating friction between your sister and your BIL. As a mother, you should know very well that an unstable family environment is unhealthy for a child, regardless of whether you agree with the way the parents are bringing up their child. Is it possible that, by meddling, you are making things worse for your nephew by creating unconscious feelings (in your sister and/or BIL) that your nephew brings about all these troubles and therefore end up punishing him more? Are you then helping or hurting your \"special\" nephew?

Think through all these before you open your mouth towards your sister and/or BIL next time. You may very well be creating more harm than good for your nephew without knowing it.

At the end of the day, parenting is a very grey area. Everyone has their own beliefs and different ways of doing things. But who is to say who is right or wrong? After all, every child is different too and, therefore, needs different management and teaching styles. Who are we to judge? If we feel that, as a mother, we know our children best, wouldn't other mothers (or fathers, for that matter) feel the same way? If you don't appreciate what your friend is saying about your parenting method, wouldn't it be the same for your sister and BIL (towards your comments)? This is the reason why it is best to stay away if you don't like it. In other words, you don't like what your friend says, stay away from that friend. You don't like the way your BIL is handling your nephew, then don't go and see. If cannot avoid family dinners, gatherings, etc., maybe ask your sister and BIL to keep the punishments to after going home so that you don't have to see/know.

Note that we are not talking about what is right or wrong here. It is simply about what you yourself can or cannot accept. Simply stay away from the area that you cannot accept or keep quiet about. I think it'll not only make you a happier person, it'll make those around you happier as well.

I had expected someone to say this, that I act the same way as my friend. I am writing in response to your post as I feel that what I interfered was very different from what my friend interfered with.

Firstly, my nephew is special to me bcos technically I saved his life. My friend cannot claim my kids are special to her bcos she didn't do anything to save my kids.

I am just wondering if such sentiments are really common: as long as it's not my child, the parent can beat the child to death in the name of discipline bcos it's none of my business to meddle. For me, I think the opposite of '不要多管闲事' is having '正义感'. Isn't standing up for what you believe what's taught to us when young? Why should it not applicable on kids treated badly even if it's by their parents?

I recall a newspaper article on a young boy abused to death by his step-father bcos everyone around him held the belief 'he's other people's son. Mind your own business.' I hope I will never be 'everyone'.

I interfered bcos I felt that my bro-in-law was doing it for others to see to show others how serious he was about disciplining his child, not for the good of the child. I told him if he had to do it, do it at home only bcos I know he won't do it when others are not around. I interfered bcos he is my nephew, not my friend's kid. I saw how my nephew was brought up and understand the dynamics of the family and upbringing and so I felt I had the obligation to speak up for my nephew. My bro-in-law was very young when he had my nephew so there seemed to be a strong resentment that he was around and it was more like taking it out on the child in the name of disciplining.

I was totally aware that by quarrelling with my bil, I would cause unhappiness between my sister and him, but I felt that my nephew's safety and view of the world were more important at that moment.

Back to why I feel there is a diff between what my friend and I do:
My friend was constantly commenting on what my kids and other kids did and telling me that how parents these days are lousy parents, since everything kids do is a reflection of their parenting, and her kid would behave differently if she were a mother. As someone who works with many children as well as a mother myself, I do not agree with such a view. I feel that I have a more complete picture than my friend since I look at two (mother and working environment), three (being an aunt) sides of a coin while she only gets to see one.

Instead of explaining to my friend alone, now I am explaining to others, and strangers at that. Forum ah forum ...

rains:

That's provided you don't meet your friends frequently. I meet up with the friend very often as we live an mrt stop away and she prefers to have companion for meal/s.

Carolina:

Sorry to say this, but in this case, you are doing to your sister and BIL what your friend is doing to you. It may be done in different ways but it is the same thing, regardless of whether it is a nephew or a good friend's child. Your friend also can claim that she's doing this because your child holds a special place in her heart, so she can't help but interfere. As a mother, does that help it better? Does it make it easier for you to take these sh*t?

But remember this, whenever you do this, regardless of whether it is well-intentioned, you are meddling. At the end of the day, the child is not yours, it is not your responsibility or business. Unless you have sufficient evidence to make a report to the police (i.e. we're talking about real child abuse case). And when it comes to family, it tends to be even more sensitive and complicated, in that you may be unknowingly creating friction between your sister and your BIL. As a mother, you should know very well that an unstable family environment is unhealthy for a child, regardless of whether you agree with the way the parents are bringing up their child. Is it possible that, by meddling, you are making things worse for your nephew by creating unconscious feelings (in your sister and/or BIL) that your nephew brings about all these troubles and therefore end up punishing him more? Are you then helping or hurting your \"special\" nephew?

Think through all these before you open your mouth towards your sister and/or BIL next time. You may very well be creating more harm than good for your nephew without knowing it.

At the end of the day, parenting is a very grey area. Everyone has their own beliefs and different ways of doing things. But who is to say who is right or wrong? After all, every child is different too and, therefore, needs different management and teaching styles. Who are we to judge? If we feel that, as a mother, we know our children best, wouldn't other mothers (or fathers, for that matter) feel the same way? If you don't appreciate what your friend is saying about your parenting method, wouldn't it be the same for your sister and BIL (towards your comments)? This is the reason why it is best to stay away if you don't like it. In other words, you don't like what your friend says, stay away from that friend. You don't like the way your BIL is handling your nephew, then don't go and see. If cannot avoid family dinners, gatherings, etc., maybe ask your sister and BIL to keep the punishments to after going home so that you don't have to see/know.

Note that we are not talking about what is right or wrong here. It is simply about what you yourself can or cannot accept. Simply stay away from the area that you cannot accept or keep quiet about. I think it'll not only make you a happier person, it'll make those around you happier as well.

limlim:

sleepy:

Sometimes kids are better behaved when parents are not around?

Cases like this are usually a case of good upbringing..

The kids know when to behave, and when they are allowed to \"let loose\" (within limits, of coz)..

rains:

clioclio:

Digress abit, but how about yr siblings (who also have kids themselves) who tell you what you should be doing with your child?


My husband sometimes tells his sister who has 2 young kids tt she should not let her dd watch TV too much, or allow the dd to call the shots at home. (seriously true)

I reminded him to \"mind his own business\" because what he meant as good intentions would not necessarily be appreciated by his sis or Bil. But he said that
as the 'uncle' he has the responsibility to do so...-_-}
For me, i also feel abit uncomfortable with the seeming lack of discipline they have towards their child, but hey, who am I to judge...but my husband thinks that if we don't give them feedback, the child suffers in the end

dilemma...

By the way we have 3 kids also, so we r not a couple with no kids

I would mask my 'advice' using my father and tell my sister,\"Eh, pa said that your son doesn't do well in school bcos he watches okto every day ah?\" and I use my kids as an example,\"I don't allow them to watch tv bcos it will make it difficult for them to pay attention in class.\" and stop there.

Next time I see my nephews watching tv again, I would say,\"Watch tv again?\" and stop there.

I am like your husband. I would feel bad if I never intervene if I see something wrong is being done to my nephews, especially my eldest nephew as he holds special meaning to me. I don't care if I am being a busybody, but to hit a 4-yr-old's palm till a thick wooden stick break is child abuse. To use vulgarities on a 3-yr-old is so wrong. I would quarrel with my bro-in-law if he did such things in front of me.

My parents and other sisters told me to mind my own business bcos he's 'other people's son' but I couldn't. As far as I am concerned, he's my nephew. If my sister and bro-in-law hate me for interrupting their so-called disciplinary action, so be it. But at least they know not everybody approves their act by keeping quiet. Thankfully, I don't see such abusive actions by and by.

sleepy:

Sometimes kids are better behaved when parents are not around?

sleepy:

rains:

I It's true that my 4-yr-old shouldn't interrupt a conversation, but if you were a child, wouldn't you feel bored after being ignored for 30 min to 1 hour when the time was meant to be with her?


It's not about children behaving differently in different settings. It's about having to justify why your kids are not perfect and having to listen to lectures of someone who has never gone through the experience.

I agreed with you. So I hardly bring my kids out when I meet my single friends. Don't want to be judged or having to justify how I raise/discipline them.

There was once I had to bring dd2 along when meeting 2 of my single friends. She was around 5 or 6 years old that time. I counselled her before bringing her along. Told her she has to be absolutely quiet when we are talking and she only needs to be at her best behaviour for 2 hours and my friends will have such good impression of her for the rest of their lives. Trade 2 hours for entire life of good impression. Isn't that very worthwhile? She agreed with me

I brought along 3 storybooks to keep her occupied. She sat quietly and read non stop during that 2 hours. Phew!
And indeed my friends thought she is a quiet and gentle girl till today, lol. She is actually slightly hyper. And of course I didn't bring her along again so that they can retain that good impression :rotflmao:

concern2:

Another way to deal with such situations is just to listen and just 'wait and see' - wait till they become parents / have more kids. Then you get to observe their transformation. It is quite entertaining to watch.

rains:

I It's true that my 4-yr-old shouldn't interrupt a conversation, but if you were a child, wouldn't you feel bored after being ignored for 30 min to 1 hour when the time was meant to be with her?


It's not about children behaving differently in different settings. It's about having to justify why your kids are not perfect and having to listen to lectures of someone who has never gone through the experience.

clioclio:

Digress abit, but how about yr siblings (who also have kids themselves) who tell you what you should be doing with your child?


My husband sometimes tells his sister who has 2 young kids tt she should not let her dd watch TV too much, or allow the dd to call the shots at home. (seriously true)

I reminded him to \"mind his own business\" because what he meant as good intentions would not necessarily be appreciated by his sis or Bil. But he said that
as the 'uncle' he has the responsibility to do so...-_-}
For me, i also feel abit uncomfortable with the seeming lack of discipline they have towards their child, but hey, who am I to judge...but my husband thinks that if we don't give them feedback, the child suffers in the end

dilemma...

By the way we have 3 kids also, so we r not a couple with no kids

janet_lee88:

limlim:

[quote=\"janet_lee88\"]if any single woman tries to tell me how to raise kids, I would gladly pass my son to her for 3 hours and I bet she will beg me to take my son back.

don't be too quick to assume.. :evil:

it might be your kids crying for mommy to take them back..

FB555:

I always think that teacher is a great profession bcos teacher impart knowledge to the young ones and mould our kids to be a better person.

We are partners of teachers and we shouldnt work against them. But we are the implementor of those core values that they stress so much in school. So we as parents should also get some sort of respect from teachers as well.

We as parents have multiple roles to perform when we are with them. We can be their parents at time, friends or teachers. So it is not easy to draw a clear line sometimes.