Going out with friends

Reply to Going out with friends on Sun, 23 Feb 2014 02:21:49 GMT

zbear — Sun, 23 Feb 2014 02:21:49 GMT

heyhoe:
Another question for those with kids in secondary school, would you know when the school ends? I think it will be difficult to monitor if they go home straight or go out with friends when they're out from school, right?

Thank God, I have very close bonding with my children. They will always tell me in advance if they plan to go out with friends or stay back in school for projects.

If time to go home is not known in advance, I will sms my kids to check what time they finish n when they will return.

So I can keep track of their movements.

Reply to Going out with friends on Sat, 22 Feb 2014 00:50:41 GMT

sleepy — Sat, 22 Feb 2014 00:50:41 GMT

slmkhoo:
I see that the feeling about sleepovers here is much more conservative than the US! Well, looks like I won't need to worry about sleepovers here as so many families don't allow them!

Not really la. Of the 6 girls invited, all stayed overnight except for my dd.
My dd didn't exactly complain. She knew my rule. Although she would definitely love to stay on too and play late into the night with her friends

Reply to Going out with friends on Sat, 22 Feb 2014 00:26:11 GMT

sharonkhoo — Sat, 22 Feb 2014 00:26:11 GMT

I see that the feeling about sleepovers here is much more conservative than the US! I also didn’t want to allow sleepovers initially, but gave in when my US and Korean friends (we were living overseas) all took it as a normal thing. I finally allowed my girls to go when they were about 10yo. I have also hosted sleepovers in my place. I have only allowed it when I knew and trusted the parents, though. Well, looks like I won’t need to worry about sleepovers here as so many families don’t allow them!

Reply to Going out with friends on Fri, 21 Feb 2014 15:04:14 GMT

bebebub — Fri, 21 Feb 2014 15:04:14 GMT

I would say 'no' to sleepovers, too. Unless is at relatives' place. But I dun mind dd hosting sleepovers at our place. Good opportunity to observe n know her pals better.

Up until now, my dd has not ask to go out with friends. She did talk about her friends hanging out with each other during last Dec holiday. But since she did not ask specifically, I act blur loh

Reply to Going out with friends on Fri, 21 Feb 2014 11:32:52 GMT

sleepy — Fri, 21 Feb 2014 11:32:52 GMT

slmkhoo:
bb_ mom:
She also has friends who arranged for overnighters and she asked before to join them. Also not allowed. Again, overnight sessions only if school requires. So far no major problems. But she will make a fuss over it by complaining why her friends can go but she can't.

Overnighters at her friend's house? I do allow my kids to go for sleepovers if it's an old friend and I know and trust the parents. They haven't had any recently as they just changed schools and we don't know anyone that well.

Nope. Not allowed. Told my kids ever since they were in preschool that no stay over at chalet, bbq, friend's house, whatsoever. Don't even have to ask me. Answer is NO. They can only stay over at husband's house after they get married. Brainwash them 1st, I win

Okay, probably have to relax that rule when they are older in their 20s. I'm mentally prepared but don't have to inform them now wah.

My dd1 went for sleepover party at a friend's house. Fetch her at 9pm which is her bedtime. Sleep at home loh
I offered to bring her back the next morning at 8am but she said no need, too troublesome.

Reply to Going out with friends on Fri, 21 Feb 2014 03:41:01 GMT

Beatrice_NoQ — Fri, 21 Feb 2014 03:41:01 GMT

slmkhoo:
Beatrice_NoQ:
Here's another question: if you do allow your kids to go out, then how much money would you give them?

It depends on where they are going, what they are doing, and how much they have spent recently! I encourage them to eat at food courts or get the cheaper fast food meals, so I usually give them $5-$6 for a meal. Occasionally if they want something nicer, I may give more, or let them top up themselves. If it's something like a movie, I might pay half and ask them to top up the rest. Transport I pay because I top up their Ezlink cards.

Sounds fair enough! I remember during our time, I used to only get around $3 - $4 for a meal when I go out, and less than $6 for a movie with student pass. How times have changed. :moneyflies:

Reply to Going out with friends on Fri, 21 Feb 2014 01:22:27 GMT

sharonkhoo — Fri, 21 Feb 2014 01:22:27 GMT

heyhoe:
Another question for those with kids in secondary school, would you know when the school ends? I think it will be difficult to monitor if they go home straight or go out with friends when they're out from school, right?

Well, I ask for copies of their timetable, and I ask them to tell me whenever they have something extra which will change their time to get home. Actually, it's not so much to check on them but so that I will remember. With 2 kids on different timetables, different CCA days, different activities, sometimes I can't remember when to expect them to be home!

Another thing to consider - by the time your child gets to sec school, and even now in P6, is 'policing' him the best way? By this time, it would be better to have convinced him to share your standards of behaviour, know what the right priorities are etc. I don't worry much about my kids going out without my permission as they are sensible and generally know what I will or will not allow. If they call me and ask to go somewhere, they usually have a good reason. (Sometimes, they call to ask because they want me to say 'no' for them, so they can say \"my mum says...\"). I ask them to keep me informed for their own safety and so I can manage mealtimes, family activities etc. They also know that once they betray my trust, I will definitely clamp down and it will be very unpleasant. So far, we haven't had any problems.

Reply to Going out with friends on Fri, 21 Feb 2014 01:04:00 GMT

heyhoe — Fri, 21 Feb 2014 01:04:00 GMT

Thanks for the tips on allowance.

I told ds that I will consider letting him go out with his friends after his PSLE but of course subject to case to case basis. Time to draw out the contract. :evil:

Another question for those with kids in secondary school, would you know when the school ends? I think it will be difficult to monitor if they go home straight or go out with friends when they're out from school, right?

Reply to Going out with friends on Thu, 20 Feb 2014 12:08:44 GMT

bb_ mom — Thu, 20 Feb 2014 12:08:44 GMT

So far only her cousins stay overnight. Don’t know her friends nor parents well enough to let her stay at friend’s house. My DH feels very strongly against it.

Reply to Going out with friends on Thu, 20 Feb 2014 11:23:55 GMT

sharonkhoo — Thu, 20 Feb 2014 11:23:55 GMT

bb_ mom:
She also has friends who arranged for overnighters and she asked before to join them. Also not allowed. Again, overnight sessions only if school requires. So far no major problems. But she will make a fuss over it by complaining why her friends can go but she can't.

Overnighters at her friend's house? I do allow my kids to go for sleepovers if it's an old friend and I know and trust the parents. They haven't had any recently as they just changed schools and we don't know anyone that well.

Reply to Going out with friends on Thu, 20 Feb 2014 11:19:24 GMT

sharonkhoo — Thu, 20 Feb 2014 11:19:24 GMT

Beatrice_NoQ:
Here's another question: if you do allow your kids to go out, then how much money would you give them?

It depends on where they are going, what they are doing, and how much they have spent recently! I encourage them to eat at food courts or get the cheaper fast food meals, so I usually give them $5-$6 for a meal. Occasionally if they want something nicer, I may give more, or let them top up themselves. If it's something like a movie, I might pay half and ask them to top up the rest. Transport I pay because I top up their Ezlink cards.

Reply to Going out with friends on Thu, 20 Feb 2014 10:34:15 GMT

bb_ mom — Thu, 20 Feb 2014 10:34:15 GMT

It depends. if lunch, then $10. If lunch & movie, then $20. So far, she has only gone for movie once. She has to use own savings if she wants to buy anything or splurge on food. We normally encourage her to go food court or subway for meals when out with friends.

Reply to Going out with friends on Thu, 20 Feb 2014 09:41:15 GMT

Beatrice_NoQ — Thu, 20 Feb 2014 09:41:15 GMT

slmkhoo:
My rules for my girls are that they must always ask first, and that I won't always say 'yes'. In general, no going out on schooldays, weekends during term time only rarely, and not too often (to be negotiated!) during school holidays. For now, no going out at night (yours is a boy, so you may want to relax this rule earlier), or only 'safe' activities like church-related outings with people I know. I also won't agree unless they have a more specific reason - to buy something, watch a movie, eat a meal. I need to know who they are with, where they are going, and when they expect to be back home. Any changes, they need to sms me. Any transgressions, and I will ground them for some specified period. I said all this up front and they know I mean it! I don't see why you need to be 'tactful' about it - just tell him that it's for his safety and to safeguard family time and homework time.

Great tips! I'll keep these in mind when my nephew starts asking to go out.. It's really difficult to let go of the apron strings sometimes.

Here's another question: if you do allow your kids to go out, then how much money would you give them?

Reply to Going out with friends on Thu, 20 Feb 2014 09:27:44 GMT

bb_ mom — Thu, 20 Feb 2014 09:27:44 GMT

My DD started to go out to nearby mall when she was 12yo. But we restricted to school holidays and once a week at the most. And it’s normally late morning to about 3 or 4pm. I ask her for names of friends going and most times, I’ve met them. No night outings at all. She’s 13 now and we made it clear night outings only if mandatory by school. She also has friends who arranged for overnighters and she asked before to join them. Also not allowed. Again, overnight sessions only if school requires. So far no major problems. But she will make a fuss over it by complaining why her friends can go but she can’t.

Reply to Going out with friends on Thu, 20 Feb 2014 09:15:30 GMT

sharonkhoo — Thu, 20 Feb 2014 09:15:30 GMT

wiimum:
I would like to add one more point, going out with friends also involved spending money, may need to clarify and state the limits for each outing. Some kids would splurge because they have bigger allowance or whatever but I think it is important to educate our own children according to our own house rules. Just my humble opinion.

Yes, that's true! I also set a limit to my kids' spending when they are out. I tell them there is no shame in asking their friends to choose cheaper alternatives, and if they are not willing, then don't go! Depending on frequency and importance of the outings, I will either give a reasonable sum for meals and activities, or I might give them what I estimate to be about 50% and tell them to top up the rest. I don't give them a blank cheque and tell them that I will reimburse them for all expenses as they will not think as carefully about spending.

Reply to Going out with friends on Thu, 20 Feb 2014 09:06:24 GMT

wiimum — Thu, 20 Feb 2014 09:06:24 GMT

I would like to add one more point, going out with friends also involved spending money, may need to clarify and state the limits for each outing. Some kids would splurge because they have bigger allowance or whatever but I think it is important to educate our own children according to our own house rules. Just my humble opinion.

Reply to Going out with friends on Thu, 20 Feb 2014 07:25:45 GMT

sharonkhoo — Thu, 20 Feb 2014 07:25:45 GMT

My rules for my girls are that they must always ask first, and that I won’t always say ‘yes’. In general, no going out on schooldays, weekends during term time only rarely, and not too often (to be negotiated!) during school holidays. For now, no going out at night (yours is a boy, so you may want to relax this rule earlier), or only ‘safe’ activities like church-related outings with people I know. I also won’t agree unless they have a more specific reason - to buy something, watch a movie, eat a meal. I need to know who they are with, where they are going, and when they expect to be back home. Any changes, they need to sms me. Any transgressions, and I will ground them for some specified period. I said all this up front and they know I mean it! I don’t see why you need to be ‘tactful’ about it - just tell him that it’s for his safety and to safeguard family time and homework time.

Reply to Going out with friends on Thu, 20 Feb 2014 05:32:09 GMT

heyhoe — Thu, 20 Feb 2014 05:32:09 GMT

Hi 12mum,

Thanks for your feedback.

I could use some of the suggestions.

Reply to Going out with friends on Thu, 20 Feb 2014 04:00:32 GMT

12mum — Thu, 20 Feb 2014 04:00:32 GMT

I know my gal's friends so I am comfortable with them going out together. But on the very first solo trip, I already told her not to expect to be able to go out every time she ask. Also family gatherings take priority over hers.

My gal has to SMS me hourly to let me know her whereabouts. Now no need but it has become a habit so she automatically SMS me (no longer hourly lah).

If I don't feel comfortable with the place and hour (especially at nite) I will say no.

My approach is very direct and open so my gal doesn't need to hide details about her friends and where they go etc.

But don't break the rules, or else :nunchuk: .

Loitering in malls etc is something most of us have done. After a show or game, yeah, we like to walk around or sit a place and just chat chat chat.

At 12, going out during school days is a no no. Weekends only go for 3-4hrs ok with me. I send and pick at the same place thus limiting where the child can go.