Sibling Rivalry

Reply to Sibling Rivalry on Tue, 22 Sep 2020 06:45:32 GMT

Vanz — Tue, 22 Sep 2020 06:45:32 GMT

Let them know that they are safe, important, and loved, and that their needs will be met.

Reply to Sibling Rivalry on Thu, 06 Aug 2020 13:30:59 GMT

12mum — Thu, 06 Aug 2020 13:30:59 GMT

It is very sad when siblings let such things come between them. It would be double sadness if their kids’ relationship with their cousins are affected because of their parents’ issues.

Reply to Sibling Rivalry on Thu, 06 Aug 2020 13:13:06 GMT

MummyY — Thu, 06 Aug 2020 13:13:06 GMT

Woah.. both of them seem very competitive..

It might be good for the both of them if you don't \"care\" too much of their results. Lol. Hard to practice though...

Just focus on their individuality. Else next time..I cannot imagine if they start comparing who gets the higher paid job? Who gets a better spouse? Who gets a promotion faster 😅😅😅

Reply to Sibling Rivalry on Thu, 06 Aug 2020 12:50:08 GMT

sharonkhoo — Thu, 06 Aug 2020 12:50:08 GMT

Cool nurse\" post_id=\"1989730\" time=\"1596695627\" user_id=\"185329:[quote=\"Cool nurse\" post_id=1989730 time=1596695627 user_id=185329]
Both of them are very competitive...my son is in the national team and his academics is also very good he was in GEP at Nanyang Primary...my daughter is very good in dancing and figure skating and her academics is also very good she is in GEP at raffles Girls' Primary. So both of them, according to me, are very 'able'. I noticed this rivalry started ever since my daughter went to P1 and my son was in P2. To be honest, I like healthy competition but the kind of competition they are having now is not heathy at all. I have tried pretty much everything, but neither of them are willing to change. I talked to them individually and the reply was,\" I just want to be better (than the other person)\" It definitely is set up for disaster when both of my children are extremely competitive. 🤦‍️[/quote]

It sounds like their chief priority is achievement? Is this a family value? Do they value other traits higher than this? If not, talking to them probably won't do much. They have to value family relationships, love, encouraging each other, etc. above competition and success before they can put aside this kind of unhealthy competition. As they are already in/approaching their teens, it will take much more effort now than when they were younger. Changing what they are rewarded and praised for by you may be a start.

Reply to Sibling Rivalry on Thu, 06 Aug 2020 07:15:41 GMT

zac's mum — Thu, 06 Aug 2020 07:15:41 GMT

How about u try setting up a new “competition”...let’s have a family points system or vote who is more friendly to each other and willing to compromise :rotflmao:

Reply to Sibling Rivalry on Thu, 06 Aug 2020 06:33:47 GMT

Cool nurse — Thu, 06 Aug 2020 06:33:47 GMT

slmkhoo\" post_id=\"1989649\" time=\"1596678911\" user_id=\"28674:

Cool nurse\" post_id=\"1989514\" time=\"1596624426\" user_id=\"185329:[quote=\"Cool nurse\" post_id=1989514 time=1596624426 user_id=185329]Hi parents!👋🏻...Is sibling rivalry in academics normal?🤔...or is it just a phase? My son and daughter stopped communicating totally because of this, to the extent when if one comes out to the living room, the other will go to the room. My daughter is in Primary 6 at RGPS and my son is Secondary 1 in RI. Both of my children are extremely competitive and when I ask my daughter why she wants to score 280 (which is 1 mark more than her brother) for PSLE, she says she just wants to score more than her brother. This has been going on for months already. Even when my daughter got shortlisted by RGS for interview for DSA, my son just said, \"Huh, they shortlist you?, Impossible, you sure it is not a mistake?\" and that just spoilt the whole mood...at this point, I am so done with all this fights, I have tried all kinds of way that I possibly can think of, but that rivalry does not seem to go...Have any of you gone through this...how did you deal with this?...I need urgent advice at this point, they have not been talking for months. Please advice...Thanks in advance!!!😘
Such rivalry probably stems from the basic relationship between them, not just academics. Academics is just the arena they are fighting in now, but it likely started from years ago. There is no quick fix, but going forward, try to think why this unhealthy relationship developed in the first place. Do parents/grandparents/others compare them? Do they have to vie for attention? Is one or the other (or both) kids just basically unkind or proud? Then try to find ways to talk to them individually, and see. Maybe try family counselling.

I have a child with some learning disabilities, and one very able child. I have never allowed them to compete with each other, and they both cheer the other on, in whatever they do. I would be heartbroken if my kids said those things you quote to each other. They are both girls, but I don't think brothers and sisters necessarily will compete.

I have a younger brother, and I guess he always wanted to best me academically (he is a bit smarter in that way, I guess), and he's clearly better at sports. I chose never to engage in this kind of rivalry, and it falls flat if one side refuses to compete. On the other hand, he does acknowledge that I have skills he doesn't have. We squabbled as kids, but I don't think we ever stopped talking to each other, or teased each other so mercilessly. Looking at what I've written, it looks like my choices probably helped; maybe if I'd been just like him, we would have fought a lot more. Do you think one or both your kids would be willing to change? Surely they can't enjoy the current situation.

Thinking about it a little more, I can see some of this kind rivalry in my brother's kids, so maybe it's also learned from adults? Or an inherited trait? My sister-in-law is not like that at all, so she does help to moderate it.[/quote]

Both of them are very competitive...my son is in the national team and his academics is also very good he was in GEP at Nanyang Primary...my daughter is very good in dancing and figure skating and her academics is also very good she is in GEP at raffles Girls' Primary. So both of them, according to me, are very 'able'. I noticed this rivalry started ever since my daughter went to P1 and my son was in P2. To be honest, I like healthy competition but the kind of competition they are having now is not heathy at all. I have tried pretty much everything, but neither of them are willing to change. I talked to them individually and the reply was,\" I just want to be better (than the other person)\" It definitely is set up for disaster when both of my children are extremely competitive. 🤦‍️

Reply to Sibling Rivalry on Thu, 06 Aug 2020 03:19:39 GMT

MrsKiasu — Thu, 06 Aug 2020 03:19:39 GMT

Whenever I mentioned about other kids academic results, my dd1 will always say why am I sensing something arh… and I will reply no la you don’t be so sensitive, I m just sharing with you what I hear/read…and she But But…nope the more I believe now I should let them grow at their own rate. I always explain after scolding that I can accept it if the brain just don’t absorb after trying but not when you dont try at all…

on parents unconditional love, I refused to tell even they come and whisper to my ears to ask me say that I love A more than B…but kids could sense! Parents acting skill fail…

Reply to Sibling Rivalry on Thu, 06 Aug 2020 03:10:10 GMT

zac's mum — Thu, 06 Aug 2020 03:10:10 GMT

I tend to agree the academic competitiveness could come out of a family environment of parents/grandparents always comparing grades. Eg in my household my mother never talked much to me except to say that so-and-so scored 27x for PSLE, 10 A1s for O levels, 4As + 3 S papers for A levels, got which scholarship into which University. I know where her emphasis was.

My brother and I did eventually branch out into different fields. Thankfully my mother also spotted that our (academic) strengths lay in different areas, mine in Bio and his in Physics. So we diverged into different course selections. The comparison dropped drastically after we found our own respective niche areas.

Parental love should ideally be unconditional, and not tied to performance (academic or behavioral or other performance). That’s in an ideal world.

Reply to Sibling Rivalry on Thu, 06 Aug 2020 02:31:11 GMT

glitterpen — Thu, 06 Aug 2020 02:31:11 GMT

Sibling rivalry is normal, but not talking to each other at all seems extreme to me.

I have younger siblings, though with a larger age gap, and while we did compete to some extent we were also glad of each other’s successes - at least, I think we were! Some of this is temperament (I’m not very competitive); some of this is the age gap (more competitive if they’re closer in age); some of it is age (emotional regulation is hard for pre-teens/teens); and some of it might possibly be learned behavior. I have 2 much younger kids (they’re 5 and 2), and I try very hard not to compare them, at least not in front of each other, and to encourage the older one to think that they’re on the same team. This is hard; I think there is a tendency, esp by grandparents, to say, look your sister is so neat, why are you so messy? etc.

A couple of suggestions:
- "Siblings Without Rivalry", though it might be geared to younger kids; it’s by the people who wrote "How to Talk to Kids"; and
- Have you tried product differentiation? E.g. one kid is the sporty one, one is the arty one etc. This might backfire (the sporty one might think he/she isn’t good at studies and so shouldn’t study), but it might also lessen the rivalry if each kid has a different thing that they like and are good at.
- More one-on-one time with each kid, if any of this is a bid for attention - though this can be hard for working parents I know!

Reply to Sibling Rivalry on Thu, 06 Aug 2020 02:30:48 GMT

MrsKiasu — Thu, 06 Aug 2020 02:30:48 GMT

slmkhoo\" post_id=\"1989649\" time=\"1596678911\" user_id=\"28674:

Cool nurse\" post_id=\"1989514\" time=\"1596624426\" user_id=\"185329:[quote=\"Cool nurse\" post_id=1989514 time=1596624426 user_id=185329]Hi parents!👋🏻...Is sibling rivalry in academics normal?🤔...or is it just a phase? My son and daughter stopped communicating totally because of this, to the extent when if one comes out to the living room, the other will go to the room. My daughter is in Primary 6 at RGPS and my son is Secondary 1 in RI. Both of my children are extremely competitive and when I ask my daughter why she wants to score 280 (which is 1 mark more than her brother) for PSLE, she says she just wants to score more than her brother. This has been going on for months already. Even when my daughter got shortlisted by RGS for interview for DSA, my son just said, \"Huh, they shortlist you?, Impossible, you sure it is not a mistake?\" and that just spoilt the whole mood...at this point, I am so done with all this fights, I have tried all kinds of way that I possibly can think of, but that rivalry does not seem to go...Have any of you gone through this...how did you deal with this?...I need urgent advice at this point, they have not been talking for months. Please advice...Thanks in advance!!!😘
Such rivalry probably stems from the basic relationship between them, not just academics. Academics is just the arena they are fighting in now, but it likely started from years ago. There is no quick fix, but going forward, try to think why this unhealthy relationship developed in the first place. Do parents/grandparents/others compare them? Do they have to vie for attention? Is one or the other (or both) kids just basically unkind or proud? Then try to find ways to talk to them individually, and see. Maybe try family counselling.

I have a child with some learning disabilities, and one very able child. I have never allowed them to compete with each other, and they both cheer the other on, in whatever they do. I would be heartbroken if my kids said those things you quote to each other. They are both girls, but I don't think brothers and sisters necessarily will compete.

I have a younger brother, and I guess he always wanted to best me academically (he is a bit smarter in that way, I guess), and he's clearly better at sports. I chose never to engage in this kind of rivalry, and it falls flat if one side refuses to compete. On the other hand, he does acknowledge that I have skills he doesn't have. We squabbled as kids, but I don't think we ever stopped talking to each other, or teased each other so mercilessly. Looking at what I've written, it looks like my choices probably helped; maybe if I'd been just like him, we would have fought a lot more. Do you think one or both your kids would be willing to change? Surely they can't enjoy the current situation.

Thinking about it a little more, I can see some of this kind rivalry in my brother's kids, so maybe it's also learned from adults? Or an inherited trait? My sister-in-law is not like that at all, so she does help to moderate it.[/quote]

I so agree with what you have written, slmkhoo..I read the msg last night..I keep 'thinking and talking' to myself I just don't knowhow to put it in words.. kids are not 'wrong' in a way just happened thar they both have 'stronger characters like want to win' maybe.. the siblings seem to have a high level of maturity coz for a certain competition they could drag for months, may not be so easily solved.. but the good thing is they are still young nevertheless, they need to stay under one roof for many more years to come for it to get fixed.. and if we are lucky sibling rivals may just disappear with time..

my kids till now still compete but just for some additional attention but never compete academically coz there is just no such environment at home.. one thing I do not very civil though, whenever they fight at abit more serious mode, I tell them to go to the front of the guard house and fight let all people see, after a while whenever they fight, I say the same thing and all will laugh..but one thing is their fightings were never serious la to many people's standard coz I myself dont like the house to be noisy so since young only my voice is loud..

Reply to Sibling Rivalry on Thu, 06 Aug 2020 01:55:11 GMT

sharonkhoo — Thu, 06 Aug 2020 01:55:11 GMT

Cool nurse\" post_id=\"1989514\" time=\"1596624426\" user_id=\"185329:[quote=\"Cool nurse\" post_id=1989514 time=1596624426 user_id=185329]
Hi parents!👋🏻...Is sibling rivalry in academics normal?🤔...or is it just a phase? My son and daughter stopped communicating totally because of this, to the extent when if one comes out to the living room, the other will go to the room. My daughter is in Primary 6 at RGPS and my son is Secondary 1 in RI. Both of my children are extremely competitive and when I ask my daughter why she wants to score 280 (which is 1 mark more than her brother) for PSLE, she says she just wants to score more than her brother. This has been going on for months already. Even when my daughter got shortlisted by RGS for interview for DSA, my son just said, \"Huh, they shortlist you?, Impossible, you sure it is not a mistake?\" and that just spoilt the whole mood...at this point, I am so done with all this fights, I have tried all kinds of way that I possibly can think of, but that rivalry does not seem to go...Have any of you gone through this...how did you deal with this?...I need urgent advice at this point, they have not been talking for months. Please advice...Thanks in advance!!!😘[/quote]

Such rivalry probably stems from the basic relationship between them, not just academics. Academics is just the arena they are fighting in now, but it likely started from years ago. There is no quick fix, but going forward, try to think why this unhealthy relationship developed in the first place. Do parents/grandparents/others compare them? Do they have to vie for attention? Is one or the other (or both) kids just basically unkind or proud? Then try to find ways to talk to them individually, and see. Maybe try family counselling.

I have a child with some learning disabilities, and one very able child. I have never allowed them to compete with each other, and they both cheer the other on, in whatever they do. I would be heartbroken if my kids said those things you quote to each other. They are both girls, but I don't think brothers and sisters necessarily will compete.

I have a younger brother, and I guess he always wanted to best me academically (he is a bit smarter in that way, I guess), and he's clearly better at sports. I chose never to engage in this kind of rivalry, and it falls flat if one side refuses to compete. On the other hand, he does acknowledge that I have skills he doesn't have. We squabbled as kids, but I don't think we ever stopped talking to each other, or teased each other so mercilessly. Looking at what I've written, it looks like my choices probably helped; maybe if I'd been just like him, we would have fought a lot more. Do you think one or both your kids would be willing to change? Surely they can't enjoy the current situation.

Thinking about it a little more, I can see some of this kind rivalry in my brother's kids, so maybe it's also learned from adults? Or an inherited trait? My sister-in-law is not like that at all, so she does help to moderate it.

Reply to Sibling Rivalry on Wed, 05 Aug 2020 12:17:23 GMT

Cool nurse — Wed, 05 Aug 2020 12:17:23 GMT

zac's mum\" post_id=\"1989539\" time=\"1596629675\" user_id=\"53606:[quote=\"zac's mum\" post_id=1989539 time=1596629675 user_id=53606]
Just let her focus on her PSLE? It’s healthy competition spurring her to study hard at this point anyway.

Then maybe after the exams, organize some mutual family activities for them to let down their hair together. They might thaw out the Cold War Eg if u bring them out for ice cream or escape room team building kinda thing? Avoid sports or board games which may veer into competition again lolz.[/quote]

Yes...I should do that...Thank you a lot for the advice...!😘

Reply to Sibling Rivalry on Wed, 05 Aug 2020 12:14:35 GMT

zac's mum — Wed, 05 Aug 2020 12:14:35 GMT

Just let her focus on her PSLE? It’s healthy competition spurring her to study hard at this point anyway.

Then maybe after the exams, organize some mutual family activities for them to let down their hair together. They might thaw out the Cold War Eg if u bring them out for ice cream or escape room team building kinda thing? Avoid sports or board games which may veer into competition again lolz.

Reply to Sibling Rivalry on Wed, 05 Aug 2020 11:07:19 GMT

Cool nurse — Wed, 05 Aug 2020 11:07:19 GMT

zac's mum\" post_id=\"1989518\" time=\"1596625120\" user_id=\"53606:[quote=\"zac's mum\" post_id=1989518 time=1596625120 user_id=53606]
Sure it’s normal. My younger brother just *had* to best my PSLE score. Of course I hated him for it.

Same with one of my colleagues and his younger sister. It never ends, even in adulthood!

Have never done the “not talking” thing though. We aren’t close and don’t talk much ever since teen years that’s for sure.

Maybe it’s a boy-girl sibling thing.[/quote]

That is why I am worried too...I had sibling rivalry with my brother too...but we never ever stopped talking because of it. I am trying to figure out what I should do to stop it but despite doing a lot, the rivalry is not stopping...If they have physical fights, I will not mind!😂...but they are not even talking...last time I checked both of them blocked each other on WhatsApp...Haizzz, I dont know what will I do with these kids lah!🤦‍️

Reply to Sibling Rivalry on Wed, 05 Aug 2020 10:58:40 GMT

zac's mum — Wed, 05 Aug 2020 10:58:40 GMT

Sure it’s normal. My younger brother just had to best my PSLE score. Of course I hated him for it.

Same with one of my colleagues and his younger sister. It never ends, even in adulthood!

Have never done the “not talking” thing though. We aren’t close and don’t talk much ever since teen years that’s for sure.

Maybe it’s a boy-girl sibling thing.

Reply to Sibling Rivalry on Wed, 05 Aug 2020 10:47:06 GMT

Cool nurse — Wed, 05 Aug 2020 10:47:06 GMT

Hi parents!👋🏻...Is sibling rivalry in academics normal?🤔...or is it just a phase? My son and daughter stopped communicating totally because of this, to the extent when if one comes out to the living room, the other will go to the room. My daughter is in Primary 6 at RGPS and my son is Secondary 1 in RI. Both of my children are extremely competitive and when I ask my daughter why she wants to score 280 (which is 1 mark more than her brother) for PSLE, she says she just wants to score more than her brother. This has been going on for months already. Even when my daughter got shortlisted by RGS for interview for DSA, my son just said, \"Huh, they shortlist you?, Impossible, you sure it is not a mistake?\" and that just spoilt the whole mood...at this point, I am so done with all this fights, I have tried all kinds of way that I possibly can think of, but that rivalry does not seem to go...Have any of you gone through this...how did you deal with this?...I need urgent advice at this point, they have not been talking for months. Please advice...Thanks in advance!!!😘

Reply to Sibling Rivalry on Sun, 24 Jan 2010 05:57:09 GMT

millan — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 05:57:09 GMT

smurf:
Quite sure that there is a topic about sibling rivalry, but I just can't find it. :?

Do your children fight? and what do you do when they are fighting? Do you continue letting them fight and 'solve' their 'problem' or do you intervene? :?

I hv 4 kids. This is a daily affair. My phone will be ringing when they can't resolve and my MIL simply can't do anything abt them but hv to get them call me. This is disturbing to my work. I can't do anything abt it.

The word they all fail to learn is ' tui yi bu, hai kuo tian kong'.

They are all outspoken kids and they will speak up for their actions becasue of the fact other siblings had done that manner before and they are just redoing the same.

It is not possible not to step in, unless I use threatening mtd \" if you dun resolve , then all will get non or all will get ban..

But the cheeky one iss till happy bec all cannot play...
:x

Reply to Sibling Rivalry on Mon, 11 Jan 2010 05:10:27 GMT

smurf — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 05:10:27 GMT

Hi Andaiz,

thanks for sharing.

I think my kids are scare of caning, BUT they will return to square 1 after I caned them. Yup, I use cane, cos if I dun, I can't control them at all. talking, nagging, shouting, distracting dun work. can u imagine they dun even listen to what said??

I hate caning, but I dun have a choice...I use separation, but after maybe about 5 mins...they will be back to playing and then fightin. :x

Reply to Sibling Rivalry on Mon, 11 Jan 2010 03:56:26 GMT

MJ2010 — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 03:56:26 GMT

My kids in their teens fight at home. But discipline themselves in school. Normal.

Reply to Sibling Rivalry on Mon, 11 Jan 2010 03:32:45 GMT

Andaiz — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 03:32:45 GMT

smurf:
they are not. not scare of anyone...they are scare only when someone wave the cane and beat...but after that, back to square 1.

smurf, could it be that they're afraid of the beating, and not really aware of the consequence of their action?

My 3 gals hit and scratch but once someone gets injured, it would stop. I hate shouting at them but this year has been explosive for both DH and I (i.e., shouting at them to stop) and surprisingly, it works .

We're trying to be consistent now coz I think in the past, we've been really laxed. It's worked so far for 2010.

Smurf, don't give up hope...here's something another parent shared with me and do give it a try:

My friend pointed out to me the analogy of a wide field - when we run through this, it's hard to tell where it starts and where it ends...increasingly, we'd try and test these...and get tired out.

In a case where we are allowed to run through the field, but this time with a clearly defined boundary of barbed wires, then we know where it starts and ends. No need to get unfazed by it all; and in fact, we know when to stop (i.e., when you reached barbed wires) or injuries and unpleasantness (electrocution) would occur.

Kids probably need to know this and their limits too

Reply to Sibling Rivalry on Fri, 08 Jan 2010 15:17:02 GMT

smurf — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 15:17:02 GMT

hmm...tough...character problem? :?

Reply to Sibling Rivalry on Fri, 08 Jan 2010 09:59:32 GMT

kiasimom — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 09:59:32 GMT

smurf:
they are not. not scare of anyone...they are scare only when someone wave the cane and beat...but after that, back to square 1.

There must be a reason why your children are so rebellious.
You need to find the root of the problem.

Reply to Sibling Rivalry on Fri, 08 Jan 2010 09:37:38 GMT

smurf — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 09:37:38 GMT

they are not. not scare of anyone…they are scare only when someone wave the cane and beat…but after that, back to square 1.

Reply to Sibling Rivalry on Fri, 08 Jan 2010 09:25:30 GMT

kiasimom — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 09:25:30 GMT

smurf:
good method. but they usually ignore me!

Seems like your children are not afraid of you.
Did anyone take sides with them when you discipline them?