Middle Child

Reply to Middle Child on Wed, 30 Nov 2011 03:04:24 GMT

coolit — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 03:04:24 GMT

I get pissed too when my relatives fawn over my girl. She is the best looking and can win the older people easily. But that only makes her head ‘big’. I have been trying to get her to see character is more important, then some relative will rave about how pretty she looks and it goes down the drain. She is the middle child but can behave like the boss sometimes at home. At other times, she will have the middle child syndromes of feeling over-looked. I think girls are more sensitive and can be harder to bring up than boys. I love her as much as the boys but I need to give her more attention and talk to her more so she feels loved and yet knows looks is not everything.

Reply to Middle Child on Mon, 31 Oct 2011 17:38:06 GMT

Busymom — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 17:38:06 GMT

I grew up in a family of 3 gals, saw and felt the full effect of my father's favouritism towards my eldest sis... vowed never to show any favouritism to my own kids. From young, second sis and I had to be more independent and do all the household chores, while the eldest didn't need to lift a finger. Very strange IMO, when we were obviously physically smaller and weaker. Eldest one is the sheltered kid who got driven all the way to university, when the other 2 of us had to catch public buses from secondary school onwards (come to think of it, maybe I was also catching buses in primary school when I went home together with my second sis). These were very trivial matters to me, and I learnt not to dwell on that. There were other more hurtful incidents so much so that some of my close friends couldn't tahan after seeing it for themselves... Yes, independent for certain things, yet when I was older, I almost got disowned for not \"consulting\" him on certain lifelong decisions that he disagreed with :roll: Hey, this is like he left us to be independent when it suited him and when it was to his convenience...

Anyway, fortunately for me, my mom doted on me, although she couldn't be too obvious about it infront of my father :siao: so the one who had it worse than me is actually my second sis. Honestly speaking, I could attribute certain things to this MCS and I question how she could have been different if not for it...

I sometimes get very pissed when I see that either my relatives or friends are clearly favouring one of my kids. But how to tell them to be fair - like if buy present for one must also buy for the other?

Which brings me back, one of the first things that I asked of DH, is to always pay special attention to DS... no matter what... I hope he will remember what he has promised. :xedfingers:

Reply to Middle Child on Mon, 31 Oct 2011 10:19:44 GMT

Andaiz — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 10:19:44 GMT

I like this thread - because it’s insightful.

We have 3 gals and my middle child is different to her sisters. Firstly, she looks different (so no family resemblance); and personality wise very accomodating. We teach her to stand up for herself and the other two to give way to other people as well!

It’s interesting that I personally am partial twds #2 because I root for the underdog.

#1 being first grandchild on both sides has her gramps to dote on her; #3 has a special connection with daddy. However, I don’t show my partiality and discipline them all the same - trying to ensure that #1 isn’t bearing the brunt of it because of our high expectations of her

Reply to Middle Child on Wed, 28 Sep 2011 04:59:31 GMT

notakidnoraparent — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 04:59:31 GMT

Wah so long never come here liaow. hahah! Anyways, recently, it seems my brother has started to make me run errands like he is the parent at home. I am like feeling so angry at this. I mean, even now my sibling take me as nothing. Angry much,.

Reply to Middle Child on Tue, 20 Sep 2011 15:43:52 GMT

Otah — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 15:43:52 GMT

deleted.

Reply to Middle Child on Mon, 19 Sep 2011 08:33:23 GMT

Funz — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 08:33:23 GMT

I think the dynamics with twins will be different as they are both of the same age and will demand similar attention from the parents. So for twins, the less demanding one will be the one ‘neglected’.

It is not all bad being the middle child. Like what concern2 mentioned, we tend to get a fair bit more freedom compared to the eldest and the youngest. And yes, we tend to be more independant, whether by design or not, doesn’t matter as, again, it is not something that is bad.

Yes, there are growing up angst and the ‘am I your flesh & blood’ feeling. But all in all, if the parents are generally fair, the middle child will still do well. It is not something that is crippling, it is just a mild complex that some of us have.

Reply to Middle Child on Mon, 19 Sep 2011 07:41:51 GMT

concern2 — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 07:41:51 GMT

KZYPmum:
my sil who is the middle child told me not to have 3 kids for this reason too...

even after all these years, they still feel it...

and sometimes I feel very sad when i see relatives when: eldest gets dad's attention cos she can talk well, baby is in mummy's arms... and middle child? always with the maid...

the middle children i know are usually fiercely indpt, but they would say it's not by choice but forced by circumstances... somehow they keep getting left out, drop out of the radar, so they have to be 'harder' and numb themselves so that they are more unfeeling / don't feel so hurt?

Wa, really? You mean in self-denial? Never knew it could be so serious... What about twins? Either the first two or later two?

Reply to Middle Child on Mon, 19 Sep 2011 07:31:49 GMT

KZYPmum — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 07:31:49 GMT

my sil who is the middle child told me not to have 3 kids for this reason too…

even after all these years, they still feel it…

and sometimes I feel very sad when i see relatives when: eldest gets dad’s attention cos she can talk well, baby is in mummy’s arms… and middle child? always with the maid…

the middle children i know are usually fiercely indpt, but they would say it’s not by choice but forced by circumstances… somehow they keep getting left out, drop out of the radar, so they have to be ‘harder’ and numb themselves so that they are more unfeeling / don’t feel so hurt?

Reply to Middle Child on Mon, 19 Sep 2011 06:24:38 GMT

concern2 — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 06:24:38 GMT

DesertWind:
I was just musing about the \"middle-child syndrome\" again and somehow like to illustrate it by referring to the traffic lights. You know traffic lights got Red, Orange and Green light right?

So we always think about the traffic lights as either Red or Green light right? Anybody bother much about the Orange light? Although the Orange light is obviously there and we all know about its function, but it is neither as powerful as the Red \"Stop!\" light nor as delightful and exciting as the Green \"Go!\" light!

The Orange traffic light is just....there. So for want of a better description, I liken the middle-child to the orange traffic light - neither here nor there!

AWww.. :snuggles: that's a pretty sad analogy. As the eldest in the family, I've always thought the middle child has the most freedom to be himself/herself, to do what he chooses to do as the parents' attention aren't so much on them...

Reply to Middle Child on Sat, 10 Sep 2011 08:53:40 GMT

DesertWind — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 08:53:40 GMT

I was just musing about the "middle-child syndrome" again and somehow like to illustrate it by referring to the traffic lights. You know traffic lights got Red, Orange and Green light right?

So we always think about the traffic lights as either Red or Green light right? Anybody bother much about the Orange light? Although the Orange light is obviously there and we all know about its function, but it is neither as powerful as the Red "Stop!" light nor as delightful and exciting as the Green "Go!" light!

The Orange traffic light is just…there. So for want of a better description, I liken the middle-child to the orange traffic light - neither here nor there!

Reply to Middle Child on Tue, 06 Sep 2011 16:14:49 GMT

notakidnoraparent — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 16:14:49 GMT

You know what is worse than this whole MCS thing?

Its why your siblings also start doing what your parents do to you. Anything in the house that goes wrong, they would also point to me first. Or like errands that my mom asks my older brother to do, he would palm it off to me. My younger sister would then make use of her position to always do the wrong things and then blame it on me.

It is really sad when everyone in the family is really against you. As do what all youngsters like to say these days, FML. Zzz.

Reply to Middle Child on Sat, 27 Aug 2011 12:06:11 GMT

DesertWind — Sat, 27 Aug 2011 12:06:11 GMT

notakidnoraparent:
sorry if i took it the wrong way, but from here, it sounds like MCS is inevitable. Its like you all make it sound like it will definitely happen no matter what you try. Feels just the same like what my father said to me.

\"I know we are neglecting you but it can't be helped. it just happens.\"

Or something along this line. I seriously hated that line. What does he mean by it just happens? Does it mean its a curse or something that i just have to suck it up and live with it? And ultimately, isn't prevention better than cure?

Hi notakidnoraparent,

I think your father is trying to apologize to you but at the same time cannot turn back the clock so he is trying to appeal to your understanding that they did not mean to neglect you but it just happens because of circumstances at that time.

Of course it is not alright and it hurts and definitely prevention is better than cure! It is not only the MCS thing but any issues can happen which a child can be very hurt by his/her parents. For eg. for me, I am the one who study the most, earn the most and gave my mother the most allowance. Yet in my twenties, she actually criticized me for being \"Du Xi Shu\" (study dead books) and compared me to my neighbour who is a lot more outgoing than me and had many guys chasing after her. Me, like a wall-flower, such a dead bookworm, dunno how to make up, not even having a boy-friend!

I think my mother thought she was being humorous so that I can buck up and be more outgoing but it hurts like hell. So one day, I could not take it anymore and exploded! :stompfeet: I told her if she call me one more time \"Du Xi Shu\", I will not give her a single cent anymore! I mean, what the hell, I studied so hard so that I could get a good job so that I can earn more to provide for her (since she often quarreled with my dad about money) and she called me \"Du Xi Shu\"!

Anyway, after that, she never says that anymore. In my mid-twenties, I also dealt with quite a lot of hurts with my parents by talking to my colleagues and I thank God for having colleagues whom I can share with, pour out my deepest hurts (especially with parents) and after their \"counselling\" actually heal and can forgive and forget already!

So I too hope it is the same for you, be it venting over here at KSP (hey, really feel free to do that if you want to because you should have seen how we vented re. our maids and mother-in-laws in other threads!), talking to your friends or colleagues etc. By talking it out can get healed and move on.

After a certain age, it is no longer for us to ask what our parents can do for us but what we can do for our parents already.....

OK, regarding this MCS thingy, right now in my family, my two brothers could not see eye-to-eye and get onto each other's nerves so it is left to me to pull the family together as well. They both won't talk to each other directly got to go through me.

Anyway, no end to our problems ya? :hi5:

Share, share here OK? Have a great weekend!
:celebrate:

Reply to Middle Child on Sat, 27 Aug 2011 09:55:43 GMT

notakidnoraparent — Sat, 27 Aug 2011 09:55:43 GMT

HC_Parent:
I am also a middle child but I don't think there's any of the biasness in my family. Although sometimes we concur that my dad dotes on my elder bro most and my mum spoils my younger sis, enough love and attention was given to me during my growing up years so that I've never quite felt too neglected nor left out. But I AM the errand girl in the house, I manage all the admin matters for the entire family even though my bro n me are now married with our own families.

Conversely I am having a lot of problems with my middle child now. He's 2 and he a boy, no.3 is 6 months now and a boy too. No. 2 has a v explosive temper and wants me to sayang him all the time. Am trying to be v patient with him...

Please continue having patience. Do not lose it. I mean, I am the middle child and I am of age to understand the feelings of the whole issue. He is 2 and I doubt he understands any of these so do not blame him for being so. I hope you will have the strength to carry on! Jia you!!!

My heart always break whenever I hear a a kid or baby crying. Makes me feel so helpless.

Reply to Middle Child on Fri, 26 Aug 2011 06:21:32 GMT

HC_Parent — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 06:21:32 GMT

I am also a middle child but I don’t think there’s any of the biasness in my family. Although sometimes we concur that my dad dotes on my elder bro most and my mum spoils my younger sis, enough love and attention was given to me during my growing up years so that I’ve never quite felt too neglected nor left out. But I AM the errand girl in the house, I manage all the admin matters for the entire family even though my bro n me are now married with our own families.

Conversely I am having a lot of problems with my middle child now. He’s 2 and he a boy, no.3 is 6 months now and a boy too. No. 2 has a v explosive temper and wants me to sayang him all the time. Am trying to be v patient with him…

Reply to Middle Child on Fri, 26 Aug 2011 06:03:59 GMT

DesertWind — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 06:03:59 GMT

viviling:
now im expecting my 3rd boy. and im afraid that my #2 will have such feelings. As much as we parents try to prevent this, we wouldnt know hw the kids feel. dilemma.

Hi viviling,
The fact that you are aware there is such a syndrome is already half the battle won! Now it is for you to prepare yourself & spouse how to handle it right from the start hopefully can avoid all the heartaches we have read here when all these feelings came surfacing up only in the twenties.

For eg. when expecting the 2nd kid, there was a thread sharing about how we can prevent the 1st kid from feeling neglected. Suggestions like ensuring the 1st kid went to fetch the BB at the hospital nursery lah, buying gifts for the 1st kid from the BB lah etc...

Same as for the 2nd kid now that you are having the 3rd kid. Do have the same type of consideration as well. Also take time to spend alone time with the middle kid. I remembered when young my father would take me out for lunch when I visited him at his office after sec-school. Two of us would have western set lunch where I first learnt how to use the fork and knife and having soup & bread before the main-course plus desert was so refreshingly new. The memory still warms my heart very much!

There are parenting books out there which mentioned about the Middle Child Syndrome. You can also read up those on how to handle. At least for me were I to have a 3rd kid, that would be the prep. I would want to do for my 2nd kid!

And to address my childhood grievance, since hoping that one chicken has 3 drumsticks is NOT possible, I resolve to CHOP UP all the drumsticks into pieces so that everybody can share! :rotflmao:

Reply to Middle Child on Fri, 26 Aug 2011 05:34:03 GMT

Funz — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 05:34:03 GMT

notakidnoraparent:
sorry if i took it the wrong way, but from here, it sounds like MCS is inevitable. Its like you all make it sound like it will definitely happen no matter what you try. Feels just the same like what my father said to me.

\"I know we are neglecting you but it can't be helped. it just happens.\"

Or something along this line. I seriously hated that line. What does he mean by it just happens? Does it mean its a curse or something that i just have to suck it up and live with it? And ultimately, isn't prevention better than cure?

Well in a way your father is right. The way I see it now anyway. Parents can minimise the negative effects but don't forget that some of the cause of MCS are also a result of how the siblings are and what the character and temperament of the middle child is like. And since the siblings are also kids they will not know to say 'oh middle child have certain sensitivities so we better downplay certain stuff in case it affects him or her'.

At the end of the day, look back and think, was it all bad? Don't get too hung up about all the MCS thing. Being first born isn't all that fun either, cos must be the responsible one, being last born also no fun cos nobody ever take you seriously enough as you are the youngest. Even at age 50 you are still the youngest so what do you know. :razz:

Reply to Middle Child on Fri, 26 Aug 2011 02:16:31 GMT

viviling — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 02:16:31 GMT

my bil is a middle child. he is very clever and independent hence, the parents dun really worry and focus on him much. my hb is the less intelligent 1 , hence more focus is on him. then thats where the resentment came in and Till now and he is already 28 yrs old. his younger bro is 7 yrs younger than him.

now im expecting my 3rd boy. and im afraid that my #2 will have such feelings. As much as we parents try to prevent this, we wouldnt know hw the kids feel. dilemma.

Reply to Middle Child on Thu, 25 Aug 2011 16:49:21 GMT

notakidnoraparent — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 16:49:21 GMT

sorry if i took it the wrong way, but from here, it sounds like MCS is inevitable. Its like you all make it sound like it will definitely happen no matter what you try. Feels just the same like what my father said to me.

"I know we are neglecting you but it can’t be helped. it just happens."

Or something along this line. I seriously hated that line. What does he mean by it just happens? Does it mean its a curse or something that i just have to suck it up and live with it? And ultimately, isn’t prevention better than cure?

Reply to Middle Child on Thu, 25 Aug 2011 02:34:01 GMT

smartmummy — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 02:34:01 GMT

good luck heyhoe! :hugs: :snuggles:

Its very difficult to make them understand us.Once they grow as parents then only they will understand.

Reply to Middle Child on Thu, 25 Aug 2011 00:55:13 GMT

heyhoe — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 00:55:13 GMT

I'd like to share that I do find that my ds2 does have middle child syndrome. As much as we tried to juggle around, I guess he still feels left out at times. I find that he's trying hard to please and if I give him my full attention, he's very well behaved but when I'm busy attending to the other 2, he'll try to get attention by misbehaving.

It's tough but I guess I'm still juggling.

Reply to Middle Child on Wed, 24 Aug 2011 15:27:43 GMT

smartmummy — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 15:27:43 GMT

I think its depend on their nature.My nephew,he is in the middle,he likes to organise and cleaning the house.They all are boys.Other two doesn’t like to do.My sister knows he is pity but get help from them is very difficult.Do u know my sis likes his middle son very much.He is not a trouble maker.First one is the trouble maker.

In my own family,My elder sister is very patient and do everything at home.Second one very demanding and third one is pity.

Reply to Middle Child on Tue, 23 Aug 2011 15:12:08 GMT

yap_susan — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 15:12:08 GMT

Does it mean when you have four kids, the middle two will be prone to middle child syndrome?

As I thought about this MCS thing, it is not whether spending equal time with all children that will contribute to it. But children can sense favoritism. Am I right to say that?
Then of course a catalyst to cause MCS might also be order of gender in the home.

Reply to Middle Child on Tue, 23 Aug 2011 07:38:54 GMT

DesertWind — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 07:38:54 GMT

Funz:
So my point is most parent will not intentionally and blatantly give less attention to one child or another but it will still happen. And what is more important is how things are perceived by the child, not, whether or not that is the intention of the adult.

Agree with you, Funz. As a middle-child ourselves, we learn to live with it, watching the world revolving around us (by-passing I mean, hee....hee...). I am grateful to my mother for being very conscious about it, that neither one of us would feel that she is being unfair. She would take pains to explain the rationale behind and make sure we understand her action so that none of us would feel bad about it. For eg. in my teens, she would cook chicken soup for me after my period and my elder brother felt she was being unfairly good to me. He thought my mother preferred me because I was much better in studies. But she took pains to explain to my brother that the soup is only for women and he cannot eat, not that she is slighting him. So he understood and did not hold the grudge inside him.

As for me, in order not to have the middle-child syndrome, I am prepared to stop at two, although I much wanted to have 3 kids!

Reply to Middle Child on Tue, 23 Aug 2011 07:38:23 GMT

Funz — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 07:38:23 GMT

Yah, that's why I said parents are not even aware that they are doing what they are doing.

Growing up, I think, I have the most freedom compared to both my sisters. But instead of seeing it as freedom or a vote of confidence from my parents, I see it as them being uninterested in me. My younger sis envied me while I envied her and my elder sis for the 'interest' my parents showed in their movements in and out of the house.

And I think being the middle child, I wanted my parents' approval so I started helping about in the house. But instead of getting the approval I crave, I ended up being the one they will task to do chores around the house while my sisters don't have to. Again, during that time, I resented that. But now, I know why I was the one they keep getting to do chores. Cos when they ask me, the chores are done, if they ask either sisters, it is either not done or half done. So they turn to the most effective one. haha. So that was actually my own fault. Well the problem is when I flared up and protested, instead of telling me it is because they can count on me and they appreciate that, I got scolded instead. And ended up all 3 of us siblings kenna long lectures from my Dad about helping out in the house and I became the bad guy that got everyone in trouble. :razz:

But really, being the middle child is not all bad. I got away with a lot more things then either sisters. And I was also super lucky as I had a grandma and uncle whe dote on me a lot so I turn to them for the attention that I was not getting from my parents I guess.