How do you handle questions about mortality?

Reply to How do you handle questions about mortality? on Tue, 21 Apr 2009 11:23:47 GMT

ChiefKiasu — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 11:23:47 GMT

RRMummy:
Hi Chief THOUSAND APOLOGIES! :oops:

Thanks for merging, should have done my homework to see if similar thread existed..

No need to apologize... that's what moderators are for

Reply to How do you handle questions about mortality? on Tue, 21 Apr 2009 07:37:12 GMT

RRMummy — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 07:37:12 GMT

Hi Chief THOUSAND APOLOGIES! :oops:

Thanks for merging, should have done my homework to see if similar thread existed..

Reply to How do you handle questions about mortality? on Tue, 21 Apr 2009 07:03:05 GMT

aiong — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 07:03:05 GMT

My son experience DEATH when he was 19 months. My dad who is take care of him since young pass away sudden and the next following year my father in law passed away. And every Qing Ming, we can go and pray them and he understand.

Reply to How do you handle questions about mortality? on Tue, 21 Apr 2009 06:40:52 GMT

RRMummy — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 06:40:52 GMT

[Moderator's note: Topics merged.]

Yesterday, while me and kiddies were chatting while walking home from CC.
DD2: Mummy, my birthday coming. I'm going to be 3 yo!
DD1: Mummy, mei-mei small girl. I'm 4 then on my birthday I'll be 5 then 6,7,8...
Me: Yes, everyday you grow a little and every year you grow 1 year older lor..
DD1: Mummy, what about you?
Me: Me? I'm **, then I'll be ++,++,++,... 100
DD1: Then you become amah already! Then you become children again?
DD1: No. People grow old already cannot grow young again...

PAUSE..
DD1: Then after that what? After you become old then what?

I changed the topic.. i think she is not ready...

she is an extremely \"sensitive\" girl since young. Even from 2yo she sobbed like mad when watching Bambi (when mama did not appear - after being shot), Lilo&Stitch (when Nani had to try to break the news to Lilo that she will be taken away by social worker) + other cartoons.. even with no obvious evidence of death/ loss, she can 'feel' the hurt/loss by just the turn of events or the music...

So when would you touch the topic on death?? And how?

Please share... :?:

Reply to How do you handle questions about mortality? on Sat, 20 Dec 2008 09:38:01 GMT

cnimed — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 09:38:01 GMT

sashimi:
To all, including chamonix and deminic, I would suggest that the best way to let a subject fade away is to make it a small deal.

ah, if only they would let it fade away!!

Chamonix,

DS did actually tell my mother that she is old and as she gets older she will die. Fortunately my mother being a devout Buddhist views death as a route to nirvana and was not sensitive about it but merely agreed.

I was called a liar after explaining how an earthquake happens until I finally had to add in the molten core to complete the picture. Fortunately no calculations needed yet. DS is not strong in Maths - and neither are we! :lol:

Reply to How do you handle questions about mortality? on Fri, 19 Dec 2008 12:40:18 GMT

metz — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 12:40:18 GMT

sashimi:

While I'm mindful that no question should go unanswered, my preference is that certain \"levels\" of answers are appropriate for certain levels of (the child's) maturity. And as the child develops, we adjust the answer accordingly. It's a game of balance!

My sentiments too. However, we also have to bear in mind that even kids of the same age will have different maturity levels. The same explanation or concept will evoke different responses from kids of the same age.
[quote]I guess what I wanted to add to the discussion is that sometimes, answers to certain questions may give rise to unnecessary... inconveniences(?). Like your example about your DS saying you will die soon but it's not a worry cos can meet in heaven(!!).[/quote]Sometimes, I feel it's the adults that make a big deal or fuss over a kid's response. Once I got past the annoyance, I was able to approach it with a logical mind and deal with it appropriately. Honestly, this issue is much easier to tackle than handling a 5 yo who was upset with the parent for not explaining the calculations on how a meteorite could possibly hit the Earth.

Reply to How do you handle questions about mortality? on Fri, 19 Dec 2008 09:56:18 GMT

metz — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 09:56:18 GMT

sashimi:
chamonix - yes, I totally agree. In fact I often advocate that children should not be treated as children, unless you want them to be forever childish.

I guess what I wanted to add to the discussion is that sometimes, answers to certain questions may give rise to unnecessary... inconveniences(?). Like your example about your DS saying you will die soon but it's not a worry cos can meet in heaven(!!).

While I'm mindful that no question should go unanswered, my preference is that certain \"levels\" of answers are appropriate for certain levels of (the child's) maturity. And as the child develops, we adjust the answer accordingly. It's a game of balance!

Haha, that's what happens when kids are given incomplete pictures or simple explanations. Guess I learned a good lesson which helps me greatly in addressing issues about reproduction and so forth.

Reply to How do you handle questions about mortality? on Fri, 19 Dec 2008 09:49:56 GMT

sashimi — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 09:49:56 GMT

chamonix - yes, I totally agree. In fact I often advocate that children should not be treated as children, unless you want them to be forever childish.

I guess what I wanted to add to the discussion is that sometimes, answers to certain questions may give rise to unnecessary... inconveniences(?). Like your example about your DS saying you will die soon but it's not a worry cos can meet in heaven(!!).

While I'm mindful that no question should go unanswered, my preference is that certain \"levels\" of answers are appropriate for certain levels of (the child's) maturity. And as the child develops, we adjust the answer accordingly. It's a game of balance!

Reply to How do you handle questions about mortality? on Fri, 19 Dec 2008 09:12:41 GMT

metz — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 09:12:41 GMT

sashimi:
To all, including chamonix and deminic, I would suggest that the best way to let a subject fade away is to make it a small deal.

The first \"mistake\" here is probably turning it into a Big Deal, making a big fuss, spinning a complicated (even interesting) story around death. And the harder you try to change your kid's mind/attitude with more explanations and stories and ideas, the worse it becomes.

If you can make the subject a \"small matter\", give a simple matter-of-fact, answer, then the child is more likely to leave it as such, and even forget about it.

Hi Sashimi,

Thanks for sharing. I suppose different parents have different parenting styles. For us, we never meant to turn things into a Big Deal or Fuss. Rather, I was trying to introduce him the notion of Death from a religion's perspective. Unfortunately, it worked too well for my ds. After that, we gave him the simple matter-of-fact explanation, which prompted him to ask even more questions. Frankly, I don't see his questions & reactions as a Big Deal or Fuss either. Firstly, to us, he's just a normal preschooler with lots of 'whys'; Secondly, this gives me an insight to his way of seeing things and opportunity to clarify doubts and fears.

Overall, I don't see him as being sensitive or over-reacting. Except sometimes, I do get a little annoyed with his questions on death, like the many other non-death related questions he has. :lol: I would think it's normal of preschoolers to be curious and ask a lot of questions. No?
[quote]If you can make the subject a \"small matter\", give a simple matter-of-fact, answer, then the child is more likely to leave it as such, and even forget about it.[/quote]Again, this would depend on the kids' personality and level of curiosity. On certain topics, my ds is willing to accept a simple explanation. But there are topics that no simple answers could satisfy him. Then again, I don't find that is necessary bad as I would like him to have a more inquiring mind.

Reply to How do you handle questions about mortality? on Fri, 19 Dec 2008 07:29:42 GMT

sashimi — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 07:29:42 GMT

To all, including chamonix and deminic, I would suggest that the best way to let a subject fade away is to make it a small deal.

The first \"mistake\" here is probably turning it into a Big Deal, making a big fuss, spinning a complicated (even interesting) story around death. And the harder you try to change your kid's mind/attitude with more explanations and stories and ideas, the worse it becomes.

If you can make the subject a \"small matter\", give a simple matter-of-fact, answer, then the child is more likely to leave it as such, and even forget about it.

Eg. yesterday my daughter (6) and I were chatting about children/grandchildren, and along the way she said to me, \"I want to have children but I don't need husband\".

:shock:

So I thought to myself: \"if I say a husband is necessary, she'll ask me why, and I'll find myself getting awfully close to the subjects of sexual reproduction or even single parenthood.\"

So instead I said matter-of-factly and pre-empted her, \"Oh that's not possible. You have to have a husband - otherwise your child will have no daddy, then how?\" And while she's pondering, I go, \"Come, cross road here. I have to go there to buy dinner.\" :mrgreen:

Fortunately for me, my daughter has a simple, straightforward understanding of death. She understands it is about the loss of a person, and/or the consequence of dangerous actions. I don't make it any more or less fanciful, no talk about any form of afterlife.

Reply to How do you handle questions about mortality? on Thu, 18 Dec 2008 09:14:32 GMT

metz — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 09:14:32 GMT

deminc:

My exact sentiments. It's so hard to not know what they've been exposed to in school. The teachers think it's an innocent picture or statement, not even worth mentioning, but the kids ponder over it silently for days and then come to potential harmful conclusions.

School is not the only venue that they might be exposed to incomplete pictures. Books, advertisements, TV, etc might also lead to inappropriate conclusions.

deminc:

On a lighter note, one of the things DS said to me after his first week of preschool - Mummy, all girls like pink, because all the girls in my class have pink shoes and pink bags. You're a girl, so you like pink right making hypothesis and confirming it ?
:roll:

all girls like pink, because all the girls in my class have pink shoes and pink bags. - Great observation skill

You're a girl, so you like pink right? - making hypothesis and confirming it

He has the making of a future scientist!

Reply to How do you handle questions about mortality? on Thu, 18 Dec 2008 09:07:53 GMT

metz — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 09:07:53 GMT

deminc:
He also asked us if we would be sad if HE dies and why. After thinking the issue through, DH told him it's because if he dies young, there would still have been so many places that he's no visited, and so many things that he's not yet experienced. Ever since then, he has stopped talking about his own death, but he's rather unsentimental about it all, I must say. He has a rather clinical approach now - which perhaps I should not be complaining about after reading Chamonix's experiences!

I'm still not sure which is the more exasperating phase. After he got over with his and our death issues, he hit us with the factual phase. Once, a boy not much taller than him took the lift with us. My ds got rather concerned and asked us (in the boy's presence) if the boy's parents were dead, that's why he was taking the lift by himself. Then came the questions about grandparents, why they are old but still not dead, when will they die etc. :oops: Fortunately, all his questions were not directed at my parents, otherwise they will be mortified!

Reply to How do you handle questions about mortality? on Wed, 17 Dec 2008 18:23:07 GMT

cnimed — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 18:23:07 GMT

chamonix:
It's not a bad thing if adults are quick to respond to them and direct them onto the right paths. But if left alone, these kids may move onto the wrong tracks with incomplete pictures. Thus, leading to more problems later on.

My exact sentiments. It's so hard to not know what they've been exposed to in school. The teachers think it's an innocent picture or statement, not even worth mentioning, but the kids ponder over it silently for days and then come to potential harmful conclusions.

On a lighter note, one of the things DS said to me after his first week of preschool - Mummy, all girls like pink, because all the girls in my class have pink shoes and pink bags. You're a girl, so you like pink right?
:roll:

Reply to How do you handle questions about mortality? on Wed, 17 Dec 2008 18:11:22 GMT

cnimed — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 18:11:22 GMT

phantom:
Your child sounds very mature. From your description, it sounds like he may have gotten these from his preschool. Think you may need to start to read to him some stories that tells about living up to challenges in life and not to give up, as in just death.

To be honest, some days - like today - I feel as if I am living with an angsty teenager. Doesn't help that DH introduced him to Guns & Roses and U2 some time ago, and he actually loves them and would scream and growl the songs out. It was cute the first two times. Definitely not anymore.

Ya, he's a perfectionist so I have been working on getting him to accept setbacks and failures. He also asked us if we would be sad if HE dies and why. After thinking the issue through, DH told him it's because if he dies young, there would still have been so many places that he's no visited, and so many things that he's not yet experienced. Ever since then, he has stopped talking about his own death, but he's rather unsentimental about it all, I must say. He has a rather clinical approach now - which perhaps I should not be complaining about after reading Chamonix's experiences!

Reply to How do you handle questions about mortality? on Wed, 17 Dec 2008 09:21:12 GMT

metz — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 09:21:12 GMT

For my ds, I can't remember what spurred him to ask about death at around 4 yo (or was it 3+? can't really recall). But one day he did and I chose a 'beautiful' way to explain death. I told him that when a person die, he/she would go to a faraway peaceful place with only happiness called Heaven. He asked many questions among which, would people still meet when they are in Heaven. Happily I told him yes. And that's the root of our problem. He started treating 'death' positively. On one occasion when I fell real sick, he told my husband happily, \"Mommy is going to die soon. But don't worry, we will get to meet her in Heaven.\" :x

That was the last straw. I 'corrected' him and gave him the true idea of death. Death is not something pleasant and to be spoken lightly of. Unfortunately, that led to another set of problems. This time round, the negativity of death was too much for him to handle. Every mention of death and old age would cause him to cringe and lose control of himself. Eventually, he got so upset that we avoid the topic totally.

It took a while before I could find the right opportunity and talked to him about death again. As what fo12eal shared, I told him something similar. After our death, though our bodies will rot and we are no longer physically there beside them, our love for them (the kids) will be forever. What's more important is living each day happily and treasuring each other.

As he reads more widely, he no longer fears death and old age as he used to. Instead, he treats them as a matter of fact now, which sometimes, *ouch*, kicks me in the wrong place :twisted:

[quote]But for sure, kids do absorb information and concepts real fast, whether for the good or bad.[/quote]It's not a bad thing if adults are quick to respond to them and direct them onto the right paths. But if left alone, these kids may move onto the wrong tracks with incomplete pictures. Thus, leading to more problems later on.

Reply to How do you handle questions about mortality? on Wed, 17 Dec 2008 08:41:59 GMT

phantom — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 08:41:59 GMT

deminc:

We wondered too! He doesn't play computer games and his TV usage is very limited and fully monitored. The only \"live and die\" again concepst I can think of him getting is from his Catholic preschool. We've pulled him out already. Another is the mythical phoenix.

He is surprisingly sensitive to other issues like poverty and hunger, and animals, but when it comes to death ... :shock:

Your child sounds very mature. From your description, it sounds like he may have gotten these from his preschool. Think you may need to start to read to him some stories that tells about living up to challenges in life and not to give up, as in just death.

But for sure, kids do absorb information and concepts real fast, whether for the good or bad.

Reply to How do you handle questions about mortality? on Wed, 17 Dec 2008 04:07:24 GMT

cnimed — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 04:07:24 GMT

phantom:
Wonder your child get those idea and knowledge from. But I do feel that it sounds concerning that there is a notion that just by dieing life will start all over again. It do sounds like the concept of playing a computer game where if things don't work out, we can just restart from last level or start all over again.

We wondered too! He doesn't play computer games and his TV usage is very limited and fully monitored. The only \"live and die\" again concepst I can think of him getting is from his Catholic preschool. We've pulled him out already. Another is the mythical phoenix.

He is surprisingly sensitive to other issues like poverty and hunger, and animals, but when it comes to death ... :shock:

Reply to How do you handle questions about mortality? on Wed, 17 Dec 2008 02:54:33 GMT

sashimi — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 02:54:33 GMT

I think a little fear of death is healthy. I’ve also been hit a few times by my DD telling me in tears, "Daddy I don’t want you to die". More recently she even told me that if I die, she also wants to die with me. (Which is MY line actually). I’ve told her that it’s natural that I will die first, because I am older.

Beyond this, I tend to use mortality as a means of warning. Eg. when crossing roads, poisonous substances, electricity, etc. So long as she doesn’t go all paranoid or hypochrondiac about it, I’m fine.

Reply to How do you handle questions about mortality? on Wed, 17 Dec 2008 00:49:13 GMT

phantom — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 00:49:13 GMT

deminc:
joining in the conversation late, but I'm seriously :shock: by my 4 year old's various take on mortality. Anyone else heard similar stuff from their child?

He first worried us by reenacting the crucifiction.

Months later, I overheard him saying he wished he could die and start his life all over again (when he will go to school later in life).

When I stressed that he couldn't and there's only one of him, he said DH and I can hve another baby, give the baby the same name, same haircut, same clothes, and we'll have the same-named baby again! :shock:

After we sorta` fixed his school issues, he was all sugar and spice. One afternoon, out of the blue, he said,\"I love you Mummy. I love you so much I wish you can grow again after you die. Because I would miss you and I love you forever. But I know you can't. I just WISH.\" Then he gave me a BIG smile, turned and walked off. :shock:

Then recently, he said - isn't it lucky that you have two children? So if one dies, you'll still have another one left! - again, a knowing smile, and off he went. :shock:

Wonder your child get those idea and knowledge from. But I do feel that it sounds concerning that there is a notion that just by dieing life will start all over again. It do sounds like the concept of playing a computer game where if things don't work out, we can just restart from last level or start all over again.

Reply to How do you handle questions about mortality? on Tue, 16 Dec 2008 15:58:16 GMT

cnimed — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 15:58:16 GMT

joining in the conversation late, but I'm seriously :shock: by my 4 year old's various take on mortality. Anyone else heard similar stuff from their child?

He first worried us by reenacting the crucifiction.

Months later, I overheard him saying he wished he could die and start his life all over again (when he will go to school later in life).

When I stressed that he couldn't and there's only one of him, he said DH and I can hve another baby, give the baby the same name, same haircut, same clothes, and we'll have the same-named baby again! :shock:

After we sorta` fixed his school issues, he was all sugar and spice. One afternoon, out of the blue, he said,\"I love you Mummy. I love you so much I wish you can grow again after you die. Because I would miss you and I love you forever. But I know you can't. I just WISH.\" Then he gave me a BIG smile, turned and walked off. :shock:

Then recently, he said - isn't it lucky that you have two children? So if one dies, you'll still have another one left! - again, a knowing smile, and off he went. :shock:

Reply to How do you handle questions about mortality? on Fri, 03 Oct 2008 10:04:28 GMT

ChiefKiasu — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 10:04:28 GMT

EN:
...Even my heart was breaking when I try to answer his question.

It's heartbreaking. Everybody fears death, but it is only when we are able to see it through the eyes of our children who would miss us that we can put it in perspective.

Reply to How do you handle questions about mortality? on Fri, 03 Oct 2008 09:25:53 GMT

en107rn.01056yahoo.01056com.01056sg — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 09:25:53 GMT

I was hit by this question yesterday. It started with China tainted milk & we have been drinking the strawberry Daisy milk for years. He wondered when will he die which I told him it’s something we can’t foresee. Next question, will the body rot when a person die? Err… yes, body will rot unless the body goes through embalming process. Will we meet again after death (he started sobbing by then). I replied, I believe we will in a different world & a different life. Next question, how will I recognize him, will his face change? Err… A mummy will always recognize their own child no matter how much they have changed. Will you love me still when I change? Yes, mother love is unconditional. Takes a while to pacify his sobbing. Even my heart was breaking when I try to answer his question.

Reply to How do you handle questions about mortality? on Fri, 12 Sep 2008 19:09:14 GMT

heutistmeintag — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 19:09:14 GMT

ChiefKiasu:
...In the end, it is the memories that count.

I had a slight twist to this perspective. I told my son that whenever he thinks of us (after we are gone), remember to do the good thing that we did and avoid the bad things that we did. And remember to teach his children that too, so that our family can \"evolve\".

Reply to How do you handle questions about mortality? on Fri, 12 Sep 2008 03:43:11 GMT

Luanee — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 03:43:11 GMT

Whenever my daughter ask me when ppl will die, my generic answer is when they reach 100 yrs old, lol. She is terribly afraid of us dying, and will start crying if we tell her we will all die one day. So I have to reassure her that we are still far from 100 yrs old, so don’t worry so soon. It’s quite heart-breaking when she break down into tears saying "I dont want mummy to die, I dont want daddy to die, I dont want mei-mei to die…" Aarrgh…