Grandma loses grandchild and daughter

Reply to Grandma loses grandchild and daughter on Sun, 02 Aug 2015 16:26:47 GMT

havok_ex — Sun, 02 Aug 2015 16:26:47 GMT

The pressure wont go away no matter how much the system changes. Its about the culture that is prevalent in our society that is the problem. It is largely owed to the Chinese culture of ‘face’. Parents expect their children to do well and to earn a certain income but its not really because they want the best for their children. It is partly because they want to be able to brag about their children. They also believe that if their children do well and are successful, it reflects well on their own parenting. So in order to impress others, they need their children to do well so that they can brag about being good parents.

Reply to Grandma loses grandchild and daughter on Thu, 30 Jul 2015 23:00:42 GMT

Jennifer — Thu, 30 Jul 2015 23:00:42 GMT

toddles:
sushi88:
Moral of the story for parents is:

Don't treat children like their trophies to brag.
Agree. All these stories remind me of Joy Luck Club book/movie. The mother who walked down the street with her kid's face on the cover of a magazine for violin achievements.

It's been decades and it's still like this? We all have to wake up.

I think the pressure will only escalate in some societies.

Reply to Grandma loses grandchild and daughter on Thu, 30 Jul 2015 20:54:05 GMT

sweetprincess — Thu, 30 Jul 2015 20:54:05 GMT

:goodpost:

Reply to Grandma loses grandchild and daughter on Thu, 30 Jul 2015 00:54:30 GMT

toddles — Thu, 30 Jul 2015 00:54:30 GMT

kaitlynangelica:
TheAnswer:
[quote=\"kaitlynangelica\"]Am not sure of the reasons for Xiao Mei's mother pressurising her.

But one of the reasons could be because she is an only child.

As a mother of an only child, I feel pressure too that the child has to be perfect. Perfect in her behavior and perfect in her studies.

Very often, I get thrown remarks that my child is this and that because she is an only child.

Maybe Xiao Mei's mother felt that she had to prove something?

Just speculating.
What is there to prove?

To prove that only one child is not spoilt, is not selfish and can turn out well too.[/quote]There IS a tendency for parents with just one child to spend all their time on that child, pin all their hopes on that child. It's just natural.

But one must always reflect and rein oneself in, as a parent. Be it of an only child or of more.

There is definitely pressure to ensure that the child is not spoilt, self-centred and selfish. Since those are the usual 'labels' of an 'only child', and there is definitely that natural tendency. But there are definitely 'only children' who are well behaved because their parents are very aware not to spoil them.

But doing well is taken as a given? Cos all the resources and time can be poured into one child. So it's not so much that the label is that only child does badly, so we must prove that he/she can do well.

The challenge is not so much to 'prove' that the 'only child' can do well, but to make sure that the child is not 'doing well' as a reflection of the parent. Some parents, whether of only children or more, invest wholly and obsessively in their children and MUST see results because they feel that their kids are their project and their KPI.

I think that's sad. All parents love their kids. We help them, we try to motivate them, we inculcate a love of learning. But saying 'I must produce a doctor or lawyer otherwise I have failed' is simply too narrow-minded.

If they can do well in an area that they like, can support themselves and their family, and 对社会有所贡献, then I think we have done our job as parents.

All the frills are extra. Aiming only for the frills and only the frills can lead to severe tragedy as we've read about here. 何必呢？

Reply to Grandma loses grandchild and daughter on Thu, 30 Jul 2015 00:44:40 GMT

toddles — Thu, 30 Jul 2015 00:44:40 GMT

sushi88:
Moral of the story for parents is:

Don't treat children like their trophies to brag.

Agree. All these stories remind me of Joy Luck Club book/movie. The mother who walked down the street with her kid's face on the cover of a magazine for violin achievements.

It's been decades and it's still like this? We all have to wake up.

Reply to Grandma loses grandchild and daughter on Thu, 30 Jul 2015 00:40:37 GMT

Imp75 — Thu, 30 Jul 2015 00:40:37 GMT

sushi88:
sinoboy:
Last time got similar case also but A level:

https://sg.news.yahoo.com/blogs/singapo ... 49870.html

This is an unfortunate case of no guidance....
She might have mistaken uni entry requirements? :yikes:
I cannot quite understand her anguish in her last entry in the blog.
She wanted to study in arts and social sciences or humanities but could not qualify.. Instead she could qualify for accountancy and economics? Is that possible? I thought if one can qualify accountancy, one can qualify for FASS or humanities? :? No??

Her last blog entry:
\"PSLE, I fxxxed up. Couldn't get into dream secondary school.
'O' Levels, I fxxxed up. Couldn't get a place in dream polytechnic course. Ended up transferring to YJC.

I got my dreams crushed again, after seeing my 'A' Levels grades yesterday. Bye bye to NUS FASS and NTU Humanities.

I already predicted my grades but it felt so real when I saw the statement of results.

It was depressing to browse the SIM GE programmes. Stuck with courses like accountancy and economics :(\"

Not sure now but during my time, NTU Accountancy and Business Studies and NUS BIZ Ad are coveted courses (if you want to specialize in Finance) so unless you have 3As and above, you possibly can't get in. NUS Arts much easier with at least an A. SIM is where students can't get into NTU or NUS, never mind what courses you are taking in SIM. These are before SMU's time.

Reply to Grandma loses grandchild and daughter on Wed, 29 Jul 2015 13:36:44 GMT

BeContented — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 13:36:44 GMT

The mom and gal are dead. The dad & the elderly mom are going thru tough times.

The elderly mom shared the story to warn others.

I think we can talk about expectations and parents should not push beyond, but let's stop speculating and making comments about the 'victims' or putting further blame on the dead. :gloomy:

Reply to Grandma loses grandchild and daughter on Wed, 29 Jul 2015 13:25:44 GMT

janet88 — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 13:25:44 GMT

susan88:
Good result may not lead to the \"doctor\" path. There are many locals with good result that are unable to get into the medicine courses in local universities.

even if one can get in, it doesn't guarantee possibility of finishing the entire medicine course.

the mother in this case only sees her path for daughter but neglecting what the daughter truly wants.

Reply to Grandma loses grandchild and daughter on Wed, 29 Jul 2015 13:21:47 GMT

sushi88 — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 13:21:47 GMT

sinoboy:
Last time got similar case also but A level:

https://sg.news.yahoo.com/blogs/singapo ... 49870.html

This is an unfortunate case of no guidance....
She might have mistaken uni entry requirements? :yikes:
I cannot quite understand her anguish in her last entry in the blog.
She wanted to study in arts and social sciences or humanities but could not qualify.. Instead she could qualify for accountancy and economics? Is that possible? I thought if one can qualify accountancy, one can qualify for FASS or humanities? :? No??

Her last blog entry:
\"PSLE, I fxxxed up. Couldn't get into dream secondary school.
'O' Levels, I fxxxed up. Couldn't get a place in dream polytechnic course. Ended up transferring to YJC.

I got my dreams crushed again, after seeing my 'A' Levels grades yesterday. Bye bye to NUS FASS and NTU Humanities.

I already predicted my grades but it felt so real when I saw the statement of results.

It was depressing to browse the SIM GE programmes. Stuck with courses like accountancy and economics :(\"

Reply to Grandma loses grandchild and daughter on Wed, 29 Jul 2015 12:59:51 GMT

phtthp — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 12:59:51 GMT

sinoboy:
Last time got similar case also but A level:

https://sg.news.yahoo.com/blogs/singapo ... 49870.html

such a beautiful girl, so sayang, her life wasted

Reply to Grandma loses grandchild and daughter on Wed, 29 Jul 2015 12:58:10 GMT

susan88 — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 12:58:10 GMT

Good result may not lead to the "doctor" path. There are many locals with good result that are unable to get into the medicine courses in local universities.

Reply to Grandma loses grandchild and daughter on Wed, 29 Jul 2015 12:56:59 GMT

janet88 — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 12:56:59 GMT

Ikid:

Well, it very much depends on the child, some children can be stretched and will be motivated if you raise the bar (the more confident/competitive ones) while some can't take the stress and break (just like pulling a rubber band). While talking to our children, we can sense if they can be stretched further and we need to observe if a new/higher target is given. Mentoring helps. Of course, when we raise the bar, do not raise extremely high at one go, give them time to prepare for their next jump (ie. High jumper). Some kids work well with a carrot and motivation, some need much coaxing and parents need to be extremely patient. As long as we parents do not give up on them, children generally will want to improve too. If your child loves challenge and can take stress, I think is ok to give him/her a new target.

:goodpost:

Reply to Grandma loses grandchild and daughter on Wed, 29 Jul 2015 12:54:46 GMT

sinoboy — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 12:54:46 GMT

Last time got similar case also but A level:

https://sg.news.yahoo.com/blogs/singapo ... 49870.html

Reply to Grandma loses grandchild and daughter on Wed, 29 Jul 2015 12:53:50 GMT

Ikid — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 12:53:50 GMT

Steadyberry:
Really sad & feel guilty myself. Humans are greedy. I m no exception. When my kids manage to get top 10, i want top 5. Aft top 5, i want top 3. I m :siao: So must keep reminding myself not to push my kids too hard. I should be contented as long as they r happy n healthy.

Well, it very much depends on the child, some children can be stretched and will be motivated if you raise the bar (the more confident/competitive ones) while some can't take the stress and break (just like pulling a rubber band). While talking to our children, we can sense if they can be stretched further and we need to observe if a new/higher target is given. Mentoring helps. Of course, when we raise the bar, do not raise extremely high at one go, give them time to prepare for their next jump (ie. High jumper). Some kids work well with a carrot and motivation, some need much coaxing and parents need to be extremely patient. As long as we parents do not give up on them, children generally will want to improve too. If your child loves challenge and can take stress, I think is ok to give him/her a new target.

Reply to Grandma loses grandchild and daughter on Wed, 29 Jul 2015 12:48:51 GMT

janet88 — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 12:48:51 GMT

sushi88:
Moral of the story for parents is:

Don't treat children like their trophies to brag.

some parents pile their hopes on one child...when he/she is unable to meet expectations, they change their focus to another one...when child achieves what parents want, they have bragging rights.

a doctor is a great way to brag...but the intention to be a doctor has to come from the child. it's very tough to study medicine.

Reply to Grandma loses grandchild and daughter on Wed, 29 Jul 2015 12:39:24 GMT

sushi88 — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 12:39:24 GMT

Moral of the story for parents is:

Don’t treat children like their trophies to brag.

Reply to Grandma loses grandchild and daughter on Wed, 29 Jul 2015 12:18:14 GMT

p2me1a — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 12:18:14 GMT

Oh my goodness. Read this, the one about the Canadian Asian girl who hired killers to off her parents. Ultimate horror story for parents who pressure their kid so much that they fake their grades, and get people to murder them!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morn ... -children/

Reply to Grandma loses grandchild and daughter on Wed, 29 Jul 2015 10:08:11 GMT

sharonkhoo — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 10:08:11 GMT

Dreamaurora:
I agree with you our to open up options for our children and explain the consequences. At the end of the day, being realistic with them is very important. We cannot impose our expectations on our children without considering the feasibility of these expectations, on other hand we also cannot just tell our kids to follow their dreams and everything will fall into place. If my children are passionate in something and want to make that passion their careers, I will support them all the way if they have the prerequisites to succeed. But if they don't, then I will have to advise them to get a day job and pursue their passion as hobbies.

I totally agree with you. I think the problem with many parents, myself included, is that we can be rather narrow about what \"day jobs\" are available or acceptable, be it from ignorance or prejudice. That's why I now tell myself and my kids that as long as they are willing to live within their means, they can decide on whatever day job they find suits them. Hopefully, even if not exactly their passion, it will be something related. At the same time, I do impress on them that they need to be diligent and responsible about their schoolwork to widen the options available to them.

Reply to Grandma loses grandchild and daughter on Wed, 29 Jul 2015 09:55:25 GMT

Steadyberry — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 09:55:25 GMT

Really sad & feel guilty myself. Humans are greedy. I m no exception. When my kids manage to get top 10, i want top 5. Aft top 5, i want top 3. I m :siao: So must keep reminding myself not to push my kids too hard. I should be contented as long as they r happy n healthy.

Reply to Grandma loses grandchild and daughter on Wed, 29 Jul 2015 08:19:08 GMT

janet88 — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 08:19:08 GMT

The mother wanted her only child to be a doctor…but does the child want to be one? One can’t imagine the stress being the child when mother pushes…tension between the couple must be high.

really a tragedy…very sad that the 16 year old jumped to her death after collecting her results.

Reply to Grandma loses grandchild and daughter on Wed, 29 Jul 2015 07:54:45 GMT

Dreamaurora — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 07:54:45 GMT

Ikid:
MMM:
[quote=\"TheAnswer\"]

This mother is mad.. I never wanted my kids to be doctors.. Upside down life.. I just want my kids to be happy.. No need to worry about money..
Sometimes I wonder what's so great about being a doctor from a personal perspective?

Yes, it s a noble job saving lives. But from a work life balance perspective, it's really bad. On standby, higher risk of infection, seeing people suffer all the time.... I rather that my kids be a dentist with regular working hours :siam:

But isn't it good to have parents wanting their kids to be doctors? Otherwise in the future there may not have enough doctors if too many parents requesting their children to stay away from doctors as their profession? Just like some parents don't want their kids to be teachers, but who is going to teach our next generation? I would say if the child is genuinely interested, parents can give support to them, instead of pushing them to take up a course which the child may not be interested at all, maybe help them open up their options, help them weigh the consequences.[/quote]In the ideal world, everyone will have a chance to pursue their interest and there are enough jobs in every fields to let people live the life they want. In reality though, each of us is born with a set of affinities that will determine how far we can master a set of skills that in turn determines career prospect. For example, to be a doctor need to be academically stellar, have steady hands, and not scared of blood. If want to be say a concert pianist, must have good hand eye coordination, musically sensitive and good-looking.

I agree with you our to open up options for our children and explain the consequences. At the end of the day, being realistic with them is very important. We cannot impose our expectations on our children without considering the feasibility of these expectations, on other hand we also cannot just tell our kids to follow their dreams and everything will fall into place. If my children are passionate in something and want to make that passion their careers, I will support them all the way if they have the prerequisites to succeed. But if they don't, then I will have to advise them to get a day job and pursue their passion as hobbies.

Reply to Grandma loses grandchild and daughter on Wed, 29 Jul 2015 07:19:50 GMT

kaitlynangelica — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 07:19:50 GMT

TheAnswer:
kaitlynangelica:
Am not sure of the reasons for Xiao Mei's mother pressurising her.

But one of the reasons could be because she is an only child.

As a mother of an only child, I feel pressure too that the child has to be perfect. Perfect in her behavior and perfect in her studies.

Very often, I get thrown remarks that my child is this and that because she is an only child.

Maybe Xiao Mei's mother felt that she had to prove something?

Just speculating.
What is there to prove?

To prove that only one child is not spoilt, is not selfish and can turn out well too.

Reply to Grandma loses grandchild and daughter on Wed, 29 Jul 2015 06:25:55 GMT

Ikid — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 06:25:55 GMT

MMM:
TheAnswer:

This mother is mad.. I never wanted my kids to be doctors.. Upside down life.. I just want my kids to be happy.. No need to worry about money..
Sometimes I wonder what's so great about being a doctor from a personal perspective?

Yes, it s a noble job saving lives. But from a work life balance perspective, it's really bad. On standby, higher risk of infection, seeing people suffer all the time.... I rather that my kids be a dentist with regular working hours :siam: