Child Custody

Reply to Child Custody on Mon, 27 Sep 2010 08:09:06 GMT

happysheltie — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 08:09:06 GMT

what if in the first place she didn’t want children all along? so leave it to the husband then since he is the one wanted children.

Reply to Child Custody on Sun, 24 Jan 2010 22:59:08 GMT

Andaiz — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 22:59:08 GMT

mintcc:
If she is not working, he have to give her money for maintenance even if they are divorced already. Need to negotiate ...probably very difficult in this situation.

buds:
Very very difficult. The husband doesn't want to divorce her. :roll:

But he is willing to sign the papers? On what ground?

buds:
Wife lost trust in husband and doesn't see the objectives of keeping a relationship without trust and affection for husband is fading by the day... i mean, which wifey would or can accept a philandering man?
Love or no love... nothing justifies. Period.

No, nothing justifies a philandering husband. But could the wifey in this case not wait some for some time to cool down and talk things through? Send her over to Insider jie who can talk some sense to her.

But seriously, if the wife has made up her mind and DH feels the guilt and knows his responsibility etc, he should provide materially while the kids follow her. They are still taking their terms of reference from mummy. If wife is intent to keep the relationship amicable, then they can consider joint custody at a later stage eh? :love:

Reply to Child Custody on Sat, 23 Jan 2010 02:37:20 GMT

mintcc — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 02:37:20 GMT

buds:
She does not wish to trouble family. And the less people know about it the better. Just want to keep it low profile and somehow manage with the least inconvenience to those around her. And for the good things the husband has done right by the family, she intends to keep

the relationship with husband as healthy and positively amicable as
much as possible, and also not forgetting to avoid at the very least..
traumatic reactions as far as possible for all her children.

Personally, I feel that in this situation, this lady is going to need as much help and she can get. If I am her close friends or family members, I would not want her to go through this alone.

First of all, if she is going to move out, she will need a roof over her head, with or without children. Parents will probably be the best option to provide this. Usually, they will love to have the kids too. Other wise, renting a room in SG will probably be at around $500-$800/month and there is always the risk of finding a room in a not so good neighbourhood/fellow tenants. If she wants to rent a room, it is good to prepare about 6 months rental first and be careful there are crooks out there who cheat people

buds:

She is not thankfully. Non-abusive environment.
Only nosey in laws who may not like to know of
this divorce since they aren't consulted about it.
They would definitely want a say with regards to
the custody thingy if they knew and such interference
would be even more messy and troubling for the mom
who still has to see them every day!

Possible to come to an agreement with the husband to let the in laws know latter? If she is not in danger, and there is now where for her to go to with her children, it might be better to put up with the arrangement while she make arrangements and plan for her financial future.

buds:
The children are in lower primary.

They are old enough to need some form of explaination to what is going on. If she want to affect them as little as possible, she will need to let her children know before hand, preferably with the husband and prepare and agree on what to tell them. For kids this age, still better to be with mummies esp if mum is the primary care giver...

Reply to Child Custody on Fri, 22 Jan 2010 18:40:02 GMT

buds — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 18:40:02 GMT

mintcc:
Got ah... free one somemore..

http://www.thkms.org.sg/

Handy link, mintcc.

mintcc:
Can try to talk to the husband to move out of the house?

His house leh. And he houses his family members there too.

mintcc:
Any friends or relatives she can stay with?

She does not wish to trouble family. And the less people know about
it the better. Just want to keep it low profile and somehow manage
with the least inconvenience to those around her. And for the good
things the husband has done right by the family, she intends to keep
the relationship with husband as healthy and positively amicable as
much as possible, and also not forgetting to avoid at the very least..
traumatic reactions as far as possible for all her children.

mintcc:
If she is not working, he have to give her money for maintenance even if they are divorced already. Need to negotiate ...probably very difficult in this situation.

Very very difficult. The husband doesn't want to divorce her. :roll:

Wife lost trust in husband and doesn't see the objectives of keeping
a relationship without trust and affection for husband is fading by the
day... i mean, which wifey would or can accept a philandering man?
Love or no love... nothing justifies. Period.

mintcc:
Is she in danger?

She is not thankfully. Non-abusive environment.
Only nosey in laws who may not like to know of
this divorce since they aren't consulted about it.
They would definitely want a say with regards to
the custody thingy if they knew and such interference
would be even more messy and troubling for the mom
who still has to see them every day!

mintcc:
Other wise might need to stay there for a few months...how old are the kids?

The children are in lower primary.

Reply to Child Custody on Fri, 22 Jan 2010 03:18:02 GMT

mintcc — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 03:18:02 GMT

buds:
Got lidat kinda place arh..

Where can seek counsel
for the nature of this
problem..

But all these procedures
take time. In the meantime,
the mom isn't financially able
to get her children outta house
with her. Divorce procedures still
pending.

Got ah... free one somemore..
http://www.thkms.org.sg/

Can try to talk to the husband to move out of the house? Any friends or relatives she can stay with? If she is not working, he have to give her money for maintenance even if they are divorced already. Need to negotiate ...probably very difficult in this situation.

Is she in danger? Other wise might need to stay there for a few months...how old are the kids?

Reply to Child Custody on Thu, 21 Jan 2010 09:57:03 GMT

winth — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 09:57:03 GMT

buds:
Good advice. But this mom has small children..

Issit wise to involve them at this point of selection?

Children are more matured that we think.
It is still best to let them know about the parents decision.

Reply to Child Custody on Thu, 21 Jan 2010 09:39:45 GMT

OngMum — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 09:39:45 GMT

buds:
OngMum:
I have a relative who does not have the custody of her girl when she divorced with her husband. It was her second marriage and the girl is from her first marriage. The custody of the girl went to the husband of the second marriage who is not her natural father.

Oh wow! :!:

Never heard of such an arrangement.
Is the girl older now? Does she take it badly that
the mother just left her with that daddy? Did she
even fight for custody of the girl?

I recently read somewhere..it does happen for some cases like this. The girl is in poly 2nd/3rd year now and the divorce took place when she was in sec 3. this relative does not elaborate more. this man has been the main caregiver for this girl before the divorce while her mum spending time traveling around for business purposes. apparently, i think the girl had her say of who she wanna be with...

Reply to Child Custody on Thu, 21 Jan 2010 09:32:58 GMT

Andaiz — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 09:32:58 GMT

buds:

Mum doesn't work. Has no home.
Mebbe need to rent a room somewhere.
Has petty savings but can return to the workforce
lah to get all of them by. Husband is an extremely
well-groomed and a devoted family man. Just that
one flaw for the need for variety. Thoughtful person
and very responsible. He oso doesn't mind taking
custody of the children.

Doesn't mind doesn't mean do a good job!
Not knowing why the couple is divorcing, perhaps it can be that mom has custody of the children and the husband being a devoted family man, can devote his $$$ here. Variety or no variety, this is responsibility!

Reply to Child Custody on Thu, 21 Jan 2010 09:28:38 GMT

buds — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 09:28:38 GMT

ponyo:
Actually, the child/children's perspective should not be left out too.

If the marriage has come to a point where it has broken down irretrievably, and if the kids are old enough to understand, then the parents should agree to sit down with the kids to explain the situation.

Let the kids understand that mommy and daddy cannot live together anymore so they have to make a choice between parents. Give them the facts like if they stay with daddy, they will be well provisioned but if with mummy, then they will have to be prepared to make some sacrifices in terms of material needs and time with mummy (since mummy working, she will have lesser time to spend with them). See what they say.

Help them understand that no matter which party they choose, they will still be loved.

What about joint custody ie both parents get to have a share of the kids? However need to ensure that the other party maintains a gentlemanly behaviour and not criticise the mummy when she is not around.

Remember material needs are not everything. Children need more than that. Adversity does make a person stronger. Though it is sad that the kids need to go through all that when they are still young.

Good advice. But this mom has small children..
Issit wise to involve them at this point of selection?

Reply to Child Custody on Thu, 21 Jan 2010 09:26:03 GMT

buds — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 09:26:03 GMT

winth:
mintcc:
The mom needs some conselling.

She is not heartless but she have her intentions misplaced. If the only reason she does not want custody is because she have their future at heart because of money reason, then she should know that the husband shd support the children even when they are divorce. If she wants to be with her children, that is no reason to give up custody.
Fully agreed.

Got lidat kinda place arh..
Where can seek counsel
for the nature of this
problem..

But all these procedures
take time. In the meantime,
the mom isn't financially able
to get her children outta house
with her. Divorce procedures still
pending.

Reply to Child Custody on Thu, 21 Jan 2010 09:24:17 GMT

buds — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 09:24:17 GMT

Andaiz:
Not being judgemental here but this is my ENTJ (intuitive self) speaking...physical and material needs are NOT everything. Who can provide the best of emotional comfort and support in the formative years of the children is key. This is not about a mom's sacrifice per se, but about the emotional stability of the children. If the mom has their welfare at heart, she'd need to consider these rather than just mere education/financial needs. JMHO!

Mum doesn't work. Has no home.
Mebbe need to rent a room somewhere.
Has petty savings but can return to the workforce
lah to get all of them by. Husband is an extremely
well-groomed and a devoted family man. Just that
one flaw for the need for variety. Thoughtful person
and very responsible. He oso doesn't mind taking
custody of the children.

Reply to Child Custody on Thu, 21 Jan 2010 09:21:30 GMT

buds — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 09:21:30 GMT

OngMum:
I have a relative who does not have the custody of her girl when she divorced with her husband. It was her second marriage and the girl is from her first marriage. The custody of the girl went to the husband of the second marriage who is not her natural father.

Oh wow! :!:

Never heard of such an arrangement.
Is the girl older now? Does she take it badly that
the mother just left her with that daddy? Did she
even fight for custody of the girl?

Reply to Child Custody on Thu, 21 Jan 2010 09:18:40 GMT

OngMum — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 09:18:40 GMT

I have a relative who does not have the custody of her girl when she divorced with her husband. It was her second marriage and the girl is from her first marriage. The custody of the girl went to the husband of the second marriage who is not her natural father.

Reply to Child Custody on Thu, 21 Jan 2010 08:32:03 GMT

Andaiz — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 08:32:03 GMT

buds:
Does a mom not wanting to fight for or take custody

of her children sound like a heartless kinda mom?

Husband financially stable and has a home in his own
name. Children's education and financial needs can be
met comfortably. Would a mom's decision not to have
custody of her children seem unimaginably mean or
very wrong... and it's not that the mom doesn't love
her children. She does. Beyond anything... But just
having the children's future at heart.

Not being judgemental here but this is my ENTJ (intuitive self) speaking...physical and material needs are NOT everything. Who can provide the best of emotional comfort and support in the formative years of the children is key. This is not about a mom's sacrifice per se, but about the emotional stability of the children. If the mom has their welfare at heart, she'd need to consider these rather than just mere education/financial needs. JMHO!

Reply to Child Custody on Thu, 21 Jan 2010 08:11:29 GMT

winth — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 08:11:29 GMT

mintcc:
The mom needs some conselling.

She is not heartless but she have her intentions misplaced. If the only reason she does not want custody is because she have their future at heart because of money reason, then she should know that the husband shd support the children even when they are divorce. If she wants to be with her children, that is no reason to give up custody.

Fully agreed.

Reply to Child Custody on Thu, 21 Jan 2010 08:09:06 GMT

mintcc — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 08:09:06 GMT

The mom needs some conselling.

She is not heartless but she have her intentions misplaced. If the only reason she does not want custody is because she have their future at heart because of money reason, then she should know that the husband shd support the children even when they are divorce. If she wants to be with her children, that is no reason to give up custody.

Reply to Child Custody on Thu, 21 Jan 2010 07:48:24 GMT

ponyo — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 07:48:24 GMT

Actually, the child/children’s perspective should not be left out too.

If the marriage has come to a point where it has broken down irretrievably, and if the kids are old enough to understand, then the parents should agree to sit down with the kids to explain the situation.

Let the kids understand that mommy and daddy cannot live together anymore so they have to make a choice between parents. Give them the facts like if they stay with daddy, they will be well provisioned but if with mummy, then they will have to be prepared to make some sacrifices in terms of material needs and time with mummy (since mummy working, she will have lesser time to spend with them). See what they say.

Help them understand that no matter which party they choose, they will still be loved.

What about joint custody ie both parents get to have a share of the kids? However need to ensure that the other party maintains a gentlemanly behaviour and not criticise the mummy when she is not around.

Remember material needs are not everything. Children need more than that. Adversity does make a person stronger. Though it is sad that the kids need to go through all that when they are still young.

Reply to Child Custody on Thu, 21 Jan 2010 07:33:46 GMT

winth — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 07:33:46 GMT

Are the girls stickier to the mom or to the dad?

buds:
Does a mom not wanting to fight for or take custody
of her children sound like a heartless kinda mom?

If I am the child, I will feel very hurt and confused.

My ex-tenant's mum left home from an abusive marriage when she was 2 year-old. Her dad re-married, and she was abused by her new stepmum. Years later, dad divorced again, having no one to care for her, he left her with a full-time nanny for 5 years. Daddy remarried again and took her back to live with him and his new family. Her relationship with them was okay, but she grew up not knowing why her mum didn't take her along.

Now late 30s, she still visits her mum every Saturday and have lunch with her. Once, she asked her mum that question that she desired to know since she was a child. She didn't tell me the answer for she stopped with tears in her eyes and DH hinted to me that I should ask further. But I know it hurts very much and she might have a better childhood if she had been with her mum.

Her relationship with her parents is superficial and she prefers to stay on her own, whilst still being filial to them both should they need her help.

Reply to Child Custody on Thu, 21 Jan 2010 05:24:53 GMT

tankee — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 05:24:53 GMT

let’s not just restrict to mom.

Whether I would consider any parent (Be it mom or dad) not wanting to fight for child custody, would depends on the reason motivating such a decision and not by the act itself.