Poll: What type of parent are you?

Reply to Poll: What type of parent are you? on Wed, 08 Jun 2016 08:48:12 GMT

sleepy — Wed, 08 Jun 2016 08:48:12 GMT

This is my top takeaway as a parent. Learn to forgive myself. Take a lot of stress out of parenting.

Reply to Poll: What type of parent are you? on Wed, 08 Jun 2016 08:18:30 GMT

sharonkhoo — Wed, 08 Jun 2016 08:18:30 GMT

harvardalum:
What did her form teacher said? Your daughter is only average in class! It broke my heart (My daughter was sitting next to me). Because of her chinese grade, teacher considers her very average. This is just a summary. I was and still am, utter devastated. I feel that I've failed.

I can understand your pain for your daughter as I've experienced it before. But I do encourage you not to see it as a failure in yourself - it's more important to understand the situation, accept that the teacher is lacking in understanding, and show your daughter that you can both ignore those remarks. Your daughter will appreciate your understanding, recognise that you are still proud of her achievements, and will be stronger and have greater self-esteem after this experience.

I have a daughter who has learning disabilities, so I do know what it means to have a child who has tried hard, yet does not do well in school. In China, my kids were criticised for not being as good as the rest of the class in Chinese even though we told the teachers that we didn't speak Chinese at home despite our Chinese faces. We have to constantly assure our daughter that we are proud of her efforts, even if she is well below average in overall rankings. Over the years, we have encountered teachers who make similar type of remarks, but we put it down to lack of awareness and don't let it bother us. We have also met wonderful teachers who focus on the effort and praise every little achievement - how many will praise a child who goes from E to D? I want my daughter to have the inner strength that can ignore the unthinking remarks of the those who are less aware, and the best way to teach her is to lead by example.

Reply to Poll: What type of parent are you? on Wed, 08 Jun 2016 07:44:12 GMT

MrsKiasu — Wed, 08 Jun 2016 07:44:12 GMT

Havardalum, I will really be over the moon if my dd got the same marks as your dd. I may not fully understand your ‘pain’ as I think I m more to the other side of the spectrum, well at least for now. I could somehow sense the ‘intense pain’ from your writing. I m just thinking that maybe you try to put lesser weightage on what people view on the ability of your dd. So long as you know where she stands, that is more important. You stlll have SA2 for next year’s streaming.

Reply to Poll: What type of parent are you? on Wed, 08 Jun 2016 07:17:15 GMT

harvardalum — Wed, 08 Jun 2016 07:17:15 GMT

MrsKiasu:
harvardalum:
[quote=\"MrsKiasu\"]Havardalum, long time no hear from you

Hi MrsKiasu
It's been a while! Thank you for remembering me
I've been stressed up the ying yang with my daughter's mandarin. Even though she has done pretty well thus far, I was told that next year's class allocation includes mother tongue grades, which means she's doomed :gloomy:
I don't think there's anything much I can do. I've tried my best and I failed as a mom.

I m more terrible...my girl has a demotion in her Chinese aiya don't care la..think better to be at her own pace :oops: btw, think the Chinese class allocation will likely be a standalone kinda thing so may not affect the rest of the subjects if that is what your worry is about.[/quote]Her form teacher told me that her school takes all 3 subjects and uses that aggregate to allocate the classes next year, Mrs Kiasu. So her chinese grades will affect her other 2 subjects. She is in core chinese but is placed into a smaller class for those weaker core chinese students. I'm pleased because smaller class means more attention. I like the idea quite a bit!

I don't know why, but I'm very affected by the form teacher's comments on her academics. She does not have enrichment/tuition except for chinese tuition so I think she has done very well. I really despise the labeling.

Reply to Poll: What type of parent are you? on Wed, 08 Jun 2016 07:04:58 GMT

harvardalum — Wed, 08 Jun 2016 07:04:58 GMT

slmkhoo:
harvardalum:
I don't think there's anything much I can do. I've tried my best and I failed as a mom.

I do hope you are joking. If you've done all you can, then you can't have failed. There are things beyond your control.

I'm not, slmkhoo, I'm actually not joking. I've argued with MOE till my tongue morphed into the Gobi desert. The parent-teacher conference was dismal. I came out of it totally depressed.

Considering the fact that she only started learning mandarin last year, I feel that what she has achieved is quite remarkable. Her paper is good but she lost quite a bit of marks on the oral part as she could not articulate and speak well. Her chinese grade is band 2. Her math is 2 marks from full marks due to carelessness and her english half a mark from full marks because she forgot a comma. I think she did very well for both subjects. Maybe I'm bias since she's my daughter but I really think she did very well even though she did not score full marks.

What did her form teacher said? Your daughter is only average in class! It broke my heart (My daughter was sitting next to me). Because of her chinese grade, teacher considers her very average. This is just a summary. I was and still am, utter devastated. I feel that I've failed.

Reply to Poll: What type of parent are you? on Wed, 08 Jun 2016 06:02:16 GMT

MrsKiasu — Wed, 08 Jun 2016 06:02:16 GMT

harvardalum:
MrsKiasu:
Havardalum, long time no hear from you

Hi MrsKiasu
It's been a while! Thank you for remembering me
I've been stressed up the ying yang with my daughter's mandarin. Even though she has done pretty well thus far, I was told that next year's class allocation includes mother tongue grades, which means she's doomed :gloomy:
I don't think there's anything much I can do. I've tried my best and I failed as a mom.

Reply to Poll: What type of parent are you? on Wed, 08 Jun 2016 05:57:03 GMT

sharonkhoo — Wed, 08 Jun 2016 05:57:03 GMT

harvardalum:
I don't think there's anything much I can do. I've tried my best and I failed as a mom.

I do hope you are joking. If you've done all you can, then you can't have failed. There are things beyond your control.

Reply to Poll: What type of parent are you? on Wed, 08 Jun 2016 05:31:36 GMT

harvardalum — Wed, 08 Jun 2016 05:31:36 GMT

MrsKiasu:
Havardalum, long time no hear from you

Hi MrsKiasu
It's been a while! Thank you for remembering me
I've been stressed up the ying yang with my daughter's mandarin. Even though she has done pretty well thus far, I was told that next year's class allocation includes mother tongue grades, which means she's doomed :gloomy:
I don't think there's anything much I can do. I've tried my best and I failed as a mom.

Reply to Poll: What type of parent are you? on Tue, 07 Jun 2016 03:05:10 GMT

MrsKiasu — Tue, 07 Jun 2016 03:05:10 GMT

Havardalum, long time no hear from you

Reply to Poll: What type of parent are you? on Tue, 07 Jun 2016 02:04:34 GMT

harvardalum — Tue, 07 Jun 2016 02:04:34 GMT

I think because I practice \"situational\" parenting, I may fall into all the above categories

The one thing I know for sure - as long as I do the exact opposite of what my parents did, in raising me, I should have a happy, functioning, baggage-free child.

Reply to Poll: What type of parent are you? on Tue, 07 Jun 2016 01:50:49 GMT

hercules — Tue, 07 Jun 2016 01:50:49 GMT

I am more inclined to be a free range parent.

The important elements that must be present for this parenting style is strong bond and trust in self and in the child, that the child is free to try and to take risk, and all consequences the child shall bear and the parent shall accept unconditionally. Together, we grow in a relationship of mutual trust and respect.

My son got into a bad motorbike accident recently. Bike hit car and he fell and head down on the floor and concussion, bleeding in multiple places. He told me about his getting a bike licence that I am not in favour of but it’s his choice.

When i received the call from his friend about the accident, I was all calm, thinking that the ‘lesson’ had come. I first saw him in the hospital when he was still in a comatose stage that he could not recall a bit of the accident. I told him all would be well and just rest.

He was discharged a few days later with neck brace and leg cast, etc. The financial damages came out to be a few thousand dollars that he had to pay via his savings.

A good lesson in my mind, and it’s still up to him whether he still wants to get up a bike and zoom around. The life is his and the choice is always in his hands.

Reply to Poll: What type of parent are you? on Fri, 03 Jun 2016 07:41:16 GMT

ammonite — Fri, 03 Jun 2016 07:41:16 GMT

slmkhoo:
I guess it depends on the family. My family's \"traditional\" style was very like many families' \"modern\" style, I guess? At school age: \"you have only one choice - study hard, but you get to choose which subject to study first\"; at university age: \"You have 2 choices - medicine or law\". Any other option is deemed \"not-so-good\" and talked about in hushed tones. Kids who decide to go a different route, don't eventually scale corporate or professional heights, live in private property (preferably landed), send their kids to big-name enrichment centres etc etc are also a bit like skeletons in the closet. So \"free range\" is is hard to practise as parents want/need to get their kids to a limited no. of (approved) ends.

I understand better now, thank you!

My concept of free range parenting is similar to that of Funz's, and I think I am already more conservative than my parents and ILs. Perhaps truly free range parents do not come to kiasuparents forum in the first place.

Reply to Poll: What type of parent are you? on Fri, 03 Jun 2016 04:28:13 GMT

sleepy — Fri, 03 Jun 2016 04:28:13 GMT

MrsKiasu:
sleepy:
My self assessment is I'm an attachment parent whereas dd2 said I'm clearly a helicopter parent
I somehow could feel you..what you think you are and what your dd think about you

Keke, will ask dd1 when she's back from camp. You read my home thread. Doubt she thinks I'm helicopter

Reply to Poll: What type of parent are you? on Fri, 03 Jun 2016 04:26:02 GMT

sleepy — Fri, 03 Jun 2016 04:26:02 GMT

11 votes so far

Reply to Poll: What type of parent are you? on Fri, 03 Jun 2016 01:49:06 GMT

janet88 — Fri, 03 Jun 2016 01:49:06 GMT

i asked my son if he considers me to be a tiger mom. he said no. i am very surprised because i do give him deadlines and higher expectations than his sister.

with the ‘new’ definition of free range, then i suppose i am a fusion of tiger and free range mom.

Reply to Poll: What type of parent are you? on Thu, 02 Jun 2016 23:32:57 GMT

sharonkhoo — Thu, 02 Jun 2016 23:32:57 GMT

ammonite:
slmkhoo:
I think many traditional parents can't/won't do that.

Perhaps you mean modern day parents? When I read traditional parents, I tend to think of the older generations and in my mind, they are very much free range parents, often due to resource constraints. Of course one cannot discount the effect of the prevailing milieu.
Another possible factor may be that free range parenting requires more time when younger - time to prepare the child and time to correct errors - so in the name of efficiency, it is often a lot easier to step in and dictate what should be done.
And as the kids get older, yes make their own choices and live with their choices.

I guess it depends on the family. My family's \"traditional\" style was very like many families' \"modern\" style, I guess? At school age: \"you have only one choice - study hard, but you get to choose which subject to study first\"; at university age: \"You have 2 choices - medicine or law\". Any other option is deemed \"not-so-good\" and talked about in hushed tones. Kids who decide to go a different route, don't eventually scale corporate or professional heights, live in private property (preferably landed), send their kids to big-name enrichment centres etc etc are also a bit like skeletons in the closet. So \"free range\" is is hard to practise as parents want/need to get their kids to a limited no. of (approved) ends.

Reply to Poll: What type of parent are you? on Thu, 02 Jun 2016 14:16:54 GMT

ammonite — Thu, 02 Jun 2016 14:16:54 GMT

slmkhoo:
I think many traditional parents can't/won't do that.

Perhaps you mean modern day parents? When I read traditional parents, I tend to think of the older generations and in my mind, they are very much free range parents, often due to resource constraints. Of course one cannot discount the effect of the prevailing milieu.
Another possible factor may be that free range parenting requires more time when younger - time to prepare the child and time to correct errors - so in the name of efficiency, it is often a lot easier to step in and dictate what should be done.
And as the kids get older, yes make their own choices and live with their choices.

Reply to Poll: What type of parent are you? on Thu, 02 Jun 2016 13:08:50 GMT

sharonkhoo — Thu, 02 Jun 2016 13:08:50 GMT

I think one of the problems with all kinds of parenting is when the parent wants a particular goal and is not willing to consider anything different. The more "free range" type of parenting has to come with a wilingness to let the child make choices and live with those choices, and I think many traditional parents can’t/won’t do that.

Reply to Poll: What type of parent are you? on Thu, 02 Jun 2016 09:07:21 GMT

Funz — Thu, 02 Jun 2016 09:07:21 GMT

I did say I am free range mah. But also tiger in some aspects especially when it comes to certain values that I want to inculcate in them. So being a mix, I did not vote. Hehe.

Free range is not permissive in my view. It is more of equipping them with the basics and letting them make decisions and manoeuvre the obstacles on their own. Even if at times we can clearly see them heading for a pothole, we let them stumble and pick themselves up. If they need to come home to lick their wounds, we will be there to provide them comfort and advise and when they feel ready, we will let them set off again.

I remember an argument I had with my Dad long time ago. He disapproved of some of my choices. In his opinion, too risky, definitely a mistake. I told him it is my risk to take and my mistake to make. If it happens as he predicted, I will come back to him and he can tell me I told you so a million times and I will not rebut. But if he doesn’t let me try, I will forever be wondering if things could have been or would have been and if only.

Reply to Poll: What type of parent are you? on Thu, 02 Jun 2016 08:46:05 GMT

Sun_2010 — Thu, 02 Jun 2016 08:46:05 GMT

ammonite:

Many parents have interpreted “free-range” to mean completely hands-off.
...

That would be lazy parenting,

Reply to Poll: What type of parent are you? on Thu, 02 Jun 2016 08:43:59 GMT

Sun_2010 — Thu, 02 Jun 2016 08:43:59 GMT

Another fusion ( or is it confusion) parent

A tiger mom in that I expect excellence, I mean if you bother to do something then might as well do it excellently.
A free range parent as in I think it is my duty to make them independent, so yes, independence to take care of self is important. So you make some decisions, you fall, you pick yourself up, if you need help then call me. Oh and do be prepared for the lecture.
Attached parent too because I feel an emotional bond and sense of fulfillment is important for children and it overrides all others needs.

As other parents have said , it depends on the ages too. For DD it is kind of free range - as long as she informs it is ok so far. She manages her transport mostly. I dont eevn get to hear about her marks till the end of the semester. She discussed important decision stuff but it is always her call in the end , DH and I give guidance only.

For DS it is between Tiger and attachment. Sometimes appears contradictory, but DS and I can have a tiger mom moment and really harsh discussion and minutes later we are giggling and playing, as we move to another activity. DS takes the public transport by himself to known places. I worry when he goes cycling with his friends but I still let him, with helmet of course . But I am glad that the bicycle broke down recently and I am delaying getting it repaired.

The tough thing is convincing DH for the free range part. I have to fight every inch of the way. Remind him of his childhood. and still he feels they are too young :roll:

Reply to Poll: What type of parent are you? on Thu, 02 Jun 2016 07:50:24 GMT

ammonite — Thu, 02 Jun 2016 07:50:24 GMT

Okay, how about this definition of free-range parenting? Maybe more votes now?

============================================
http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features ... -parenting
Just some excerpts:
To Free-Range or Not to Free-Range?

Many parents have interpreted “free-range” to mean completely hands-off. But Skenazy says that’s not what free-range parenting is about. It is a decision to give your child freedom and responsibility while preparing him for it. Some experts seem to think there is a real upside to stepping back and letting kids do more on their own.

“When parents do provide their kids with more responsibility, kids mature more quickly and I do think that they feel more accomplished,” Gallagher says.
...

The key is making sure that the activities your children engage in on their own are appropriate given their age and skill level. Gallagher suggests that parents ask themselves the following questions before allowing their children to venture off on their own:
1.Does my child have the disposition to handle the activity?
2.Can he or she follow rules?
3.Does my child know what to do in case there is a problem?
4.Does my child know from whom it is safe to ask for help?
5.Does my child have a sense of how to reach out to parents, use a phone, distinguish between police officers and other people?

Also critical to a successful adventure (not to mention reduced anxiety for you as a parent) is to make sure that your child is fully trained for the task at hand.

Reply to Poll: What type of parent are you? on Thu, 02 Jun 2016 07:45:15 GMT

ammonite — Thu, 02 Jun 2016 07:45:15 GMT

jetsetter:
Free range = permissive style

Only some ftwms potentially fit the bill.

permissive style sounds negative without redeeming features, no wonder no one voted.
I thought it meant giving the kids more physical freedom and overall less supervision which is not a bad thing within reasonable limits.