How to stop child from name calling?

Reply to How to stop child from name calling? on Sun, 07 May 2017 03:47:25 GMT

baobei — Sun, 07 May 2017 03:47:25 GMT

Thanks ngl2010.

He could cool down when it is not too much to handle by walking away which the school allows him to.

I am concern on a number of issues as in the suspension are recorded in the report book with exaggeration of the word used is vulgarity. They can say he used inappropriate words on classmates.

Reply to How to stop child from name calling? on Sun, 07 May 2017 02:20:14 GMT

ngl2010 — Sun, 07 May 2017 02:20:14 GMT

baobei:
ngl2010:
Baobei, is it an all boys school? Is your son in Sec 1?

Does the school and level affect the strategies to help my boy and school to work with him on name calling? He is not in Sec 1. Sec 1 was terrible where he faces lots of teasing and resulted in many meltdowns and physical reaction.

Based on my observation, boys in all boys school are generally brasher and naughtier. I asked you whether he is in Sec 1 or not because it is easier to change school if your son is in Sec 1, if need to.

Anyway, I don't know whether my sharing here is useful for your case... DS has a friend who has anger management issue. They are in all boys' school. After understanding the issue, the school told his classmates not to tease, provoke or react to him. The boys all know that they will be held responsible too if there is an incident. The boy is given time-off as and when he needs it, even if that means missing school day(s). All teachers know and make exceptions for him.

I hope you will also find a solution for your son. :snuggles:

Reply to How to stop child from name calling? on Sun, 07 May 2017 01:28:45 GMT

phtthp — Sun, 07 May 2017 01:28:45 GMT

Possible for u to have a word with the Principal, can ask the school to help, by transferring him to another class : where students are more studious, no bully inside the class, but still within the same Secondary school ?

If your son is in upper Secondary preparing for major O level coming, think better to remain in same school.

How much remaining time left, before he sit for O level ?
Hopefully, if school allow him to transfer to another class, with kind, understanding Form Tr, will be good

Reply to How to stop child from name calling? on Sun, 07 May 2017 01:13:46 GMT

baobei — Sun, 07 May 2017 01:13:46 GMT

ngl2010:
Baobei, is it an all boys school? Is your son in Sec 1?

Does the school and level affect the strategies to help my boy and school to work with him on name calling? He is not in Sec 1. Sec 1 was terrible where he faces lots of teasing and resulted in many meltdowns and physical reaction.

Reply to How to stop child from name calling? on Sun, 07 May 2017 00:30:53 GMT

ngl2010 — Sun, 07 May 2017 00:30:53 GMT

Baobei, is it an all boys school? Is your son in Sec 1?

Reply to How to stop child from name calling? on Sun, 07 May 2017 00:06:49 GMT

baobei — Sun, 07 May 2017 00:06:49 GMT

Thank you slmkhoo and phtthp for the advices given.

Yes, psychologist and therapist were brought in to talk to the school before. Counsellor is trained to handle ASD. However, we know that it is a wide spectrum and every Asperger is different. It is different how each child behaves. For Asperger, it is tougher to understand them.

Yes, each time there is an incident feedback, originally could be trivial but due to the way it is being put across that he would be suspended, he gets more fear and agitated as the information given is often not complete, the triggers that led to the incident was not given to us. This more than often results in the following few days making more mistakes in school.

School claims that they do not have the expertise and depth to help. So the therapist and education psychologist have to tell them what they could do. However, school may not agree with some suggestion or follow through. More often, they would ask for strategies to work with him as Teachers do not have time when most of the time he spent was in school. Now, it turns around and say that because we are the ones who gave him the instructions not them, he would not listen to the ones who did not give him the instructions. We have tried working with the school to work out strategies since they are not free. How could we proceed from here?

Pig is the first time that he used it. He said that in Tamil to a Chinese. Definitely, it is not a good habit and is definitely rude if said to a Muslim. He do not use such words if people are nice to him.

He took it to heart a lot when people calling names to him when he was in primary school. We taught him not to say that back as the mouth belongs to others and it does not mean that he is one when someone called that to him. It is only when he answered then he agreeds with the person. Along the conversation, we work with him on what does the word meant to him, how he feels, how he could stop it… before concluding with that.

Changing a school may not solve the problem as there would be bullies around too. We would have to work with the school again. He was being teased at first when the class gets to know of his condition.

Reply to How to stop child from name calling? on Sat, 06 May 2017 12:14:15 GMT

sharonkhoo — Sat, 06 May 2017 12:14:15 GMT

I would say that "pig" is not necessary a vulgarity (usually that would mean something sexual), but it is certainly rude, especially to a Muslim, I suppose.

I feel for you. Can you get the school cousellor to talk to the FT and discipline master? Or get a letter from one of the therapists or psychologists to explain that it is not entirely within your child’s control, and to suggest better ways to handle things? You are more likely to get a good outcome if you get professional backing and educate the school staff gently. Try not to make them defensive because that will worsen the situation for your son.

If you really cannot get the school to accept that suspension isn’t the best way to deal with it, then you could consider changing school. However, there is no certainty that another school will be willing to accept him (maybe you can try going through MOE?), or that the other students won’t bully him etc.

Reply to How to stop child from name calling? on Sat, 06 May 2017 11:28:24 GMT

phtthp — Sat, 06 May 2017 11:28:24 GMT

Have you spoken to the school counsellor, yourself ?

When was the last time you make an appointment, to see the school counsellor, who are trained in handling Asperger children (teenagers)?

What kind of advice did the school counsellor give or guide your son : how to react to school-mates, class-mates, calling him names ?

Did the school counsellor also explain to him, why it is wrong to react, by calling back people name ?

What was his response ?

Does he understand the reason(s) behind, why calling people name, is wrong ?

Does he accept the reason, that it’s wrong ?

Did the counsellor further advise next time in future, how he should respond calmly, without getting agitated, if people start calling him name ?

If problem initiated from your child, have to solve this problem.

If problem initiated by school-mates /class-mates, see whether possible to transfer to another school.
That is, if those school-mates are using name-calling to taunt him, & to bully him.

Calling people name is insulting : eg pig, because pig is often associated with people who are lazy, greedy, glutton, fat, stubborn, etc.

Have to stop this bad habit now, Because if grow up, enter working world, if become a habit, and start calling colleagues "pig", etc, can get fired, if colleagues complain to boss, about this.

Reply to How to stop child from name calling? on Sat, 06 May 2017 10:11:29 GMT

baobei — Sat, 06 May 2017 10:11:29 GMT

Well, he attends social skills training classes on how to work with others, being taught of how to handle new words (to check with us).

Any other techniques that you have tried and work? I would like to give it a try. Going to more therapist would be less family time with him.

However, can someone tell me if pig is vulgarities? What could parents do if someone can call him names and yet he cannot? School is only punishing him in such cases. He did make effort not to call back or react every time.

Suspension does not work out for him as primary school has concluded that. However, when we tell the secondary school, they disagreed. He is now suffering badly academically as he is on and off being suspended from school. He does not go for tuition.

How could we work with the school when academic and counsellor are being handled separately?

We hardly use corporate punishment on him. Most of the time is to take away his favourites.

Reply to How to stop child from name calling? on Sat, 06 May 2017 08:33:31 GMT

sharonkhoo — Sat, 06 May 2017 08:33:31 GMT

sky minecrafter:
Agree with ammonite, please DON'T use physical punishment - negative reinforcements don't work well with special needs children. It seems to me an anger management issue. Till the appropriate strategy can be learnt, perhaps use time-out? On the other hand, thought the school ought to be more understanding...

I have an Asperger's child too - and I agree - don't use physical punishments. They don't work and they just make the child more fearful and agitated. Try to find the trigger (bullying, anger, stress etc), and teach the child to find an alternative reaction. At the same time, warn your child about learning new words - get him to check with you first so you can advise him what is acceptable and what is not! Some kids think it's fun to make others get into trouble, and SN kids are easy targets. Also speak to the school - suspension may not be a bad thing to show your child how serious this is (some negative reinforcement does work, in my experience), but tell the school how you are dealing with it. Ask the teachers to help by taking him aside and counselling rather than scolding.

Reply to How to stop child from name calling? on Sat, 06 May 2017 06:25:40 GMT

sky minecrafter — Sat, 06 May 2017 06:25:40 GMT

ammonite:
baobei:
He will be told by me to slap himself if he calls out people stupid when being caught. This rule set in after various incidents of doing that previously in school to classmates or Teachers when he felt agitated. He would also be taken away from eating his nice food over the weekend.

Please don't. I think you need other strategies, or a speech therapist skilled in social language to work with him just for a couple of sessions

Agree with ammonite, please DON'T use physical punishment - negative reinforcements don't work well with special needs children. It seems to me an anger management issue. Till the appropriate strategy can be learnt, perhaps use time-out? On the other hand, thought the school ought to be more understanding...

Reply to How to stop child from name calling? on Sat, 06 May 2017 06:09:43 GMT

ammonite — Sat, 06 May 2017 06:09:43 GMT

baobei:
ammonite:
Name calling teachers?

Other than all that counselling, scolding etc, may I suggest you add in elements of breaking a bad habit? Basically doesn't matter how teen feels about the whole thing or his target, he just has to stay away from some words. He can rephrase or substitute, he can walk away or push fists together, he can have privileges taken away, he can have buddies who help him by having a sign or word that reminds him not to use that word etc. He will slip up a occasionally, again remind of alternatives.

Basically treat it like a bad habit. I am sure he already knows why he should not use them, and he does not agree. While you think of other ways to convince him, you can just redirect the habit of speech first.
In this case was not to the Teachers.

He will be told by me to slap himself if he calls out people stupid when being caught. This rule set in after various incidents of doing that previously in school to classmates or Teachers when he felt agitated. He would also be taken away from eating his nice food over the weekend.

Please don't. I think you need other strategies, or a speech therapist skilled in social language to work with him just for a couple of sessions,

Reply to How to stop child from name calling? on Sat, 06 May 2017 06:04:51 GMT

baobei — Sat, 06 May 2017 06:04:51 GMT

ammonite:
Name calling teachers?

Other than all that counselling, scolding etc, may I suggest you add in elements of breaking a bad habit? Basically doesn't matter how teen feels about the whole thing or his target, he just has to stay away from some words. He can rephrase or substitute, he can walk away or push fists together, he can have privileges taken away, he can have buddies who help him by having a sign or word that reminds him not to use that word etc. He will slip up a occasionally, again remind of alternatives.

Basically treat it like a bad habit. I am sure he already knows why he should not use them, and he does not agree. While you think of other ways to convince him, you can just redirect the habit of speech first.

In this case was not to the Teachers.

He will be told by me to slap himself if he calls out people stupid when being caught. This rule set in after various incidents of doing that previously in school to classmates or Teachers when he felt agitated. He would also be taken away from eating his nice food over the weekend.

Reply to How to stop child from name calling? on Sat, 06 May 2017 05:54:43 GMT

baobei — Sat, 06 May 2017 05:54:43 GMT

ngl2010:
Baobei, is this your Asperger child? Does the school know his condition and school counsellor involved? I think suspending a child is a bit extreme.

Yes he is an Asperger child.

Reply to How to stop child from name calling? on Sat, 06 May 2017 05:52:33 GMT

baobei — Sat, 06 May 2017 05:52:33 GMT

slmkhoo:
baobei:
Need advice on how to stop teenager from name calling. Tried discussing about how one would feel, nagging, scolding, beating.

Now, school is suspending child for name calling.

Need help on this.
This is your child, calling other people names? What kind of names? Does he do that at home? Is be being bullied at school? Does he have emotional or other upsetting issues at home, school or elsewhere?

He called someone pig in Tamil in school. He did mentioned that someone taught him to say the word few days before the incident happen. The person called him stupid.

School now says the word is vulgarities.

Reply to How to stop child from name calling? on Sat, 06 May 2017 05:25:02 GMT

ngl2010 — Sat, 06 May 2017 05:25:02 GMT

Baobei, is this your Asperger child? Does the school know his condition and school counsellor involved? I think suspending a child is a bit extreme.

Reply to How to stop child from name calling? on Sat, 06 May 2017 05:07:10 GMT

ammonite — Sat, 06 May 2017 05:07:10 GMT

Name calling teachers?

Other than all that counselling, scolding etc, may I suggest you add in elements of breaking a bad habit? Basically doesn’t matter how teen feels about the whole thing or his target, he just has to stay away from some words. He can rephrase or substitute, he can walk away or push fists together, he can have privileges taken away, he can have buddies who help him by having a sign or word that reminds him not to use that word etc. He will slip up a occasionally, again remind of alternatives.

Basically treat it like a bad habit. I am sure he already knows why he should not use them, and he does not agree. While you think of other ways to convince him, you can just redirect the habit of speech first.

Reply to How to stop child from name calling? on Sat, 06 May 2017 04:28:42 GMT

ChiefKiasu — Sat, 06 May 2017 04:28:42 GMT

baobei:
Need advice on how to stop teenager from name calling. Tried discussing about how one would feel, nagging, scolding, beating.

Now, school is suspending child for name calling.

Need help on this.

Must be some really serious name calling for the school to justify such an action. Was it provoked, or did your child initiate the events?

Reply to How to stop child from name calling? on Sat, 06 May 2017 02:59:19 GMT

sharonkhoo — Sat, 06 May 2017 02:59:19 GMT

baobei:
Need advice on how to stop teenager from name calling. Tried discussing about how one would feel, nagging, scolding, beating.

Now, school is suspending child for name calling.

Need help on this.

This is your child, calling other people names? What kind of names? Does he do that at home? Is be being bullied at school? Does he have emotional or other upsetting issues at home, school or elsewhere?