SAHP or working is better?

Reply to SAHP or working is better? on Fri, 05 Mar 2010 08:53:05 GMT

mummy of 2 — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 08:53:05 GMT

Blobbi:
mummy of 2:
But DS1 does know that it's not easy for us to work. He says when he grows, he will work and support us. That's enough to keep me going again.

Gosh mummy of 2, you must be feeling :love: :love: :love:!!!

Yes, yes at least I'm appreciated by my kids Hopefully DS1 will inccalculate similar values in DD2.

Reply to SAHP or working is better? on Fri, 05 Mar 2010 08:51:48 GMT

Blobbi — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 08:51:48 GMT

buds:

I recently told them i might be going back to work and both of them
went... \"Aaaawww...\" and gave me a d'ya reali have to face. :politebleah:

Maybe all this balance thing is very individual. Too many variables for each of our different families for a common cure. I have friends who will Never Ever want to work again, and friends who got back into jobs and never want to quit.

Perhaps we should arrange our lives so that we feel happy and sane :).

Reply to SAHP or working is better? on Fri, 05 Mar 2010 08:51:16 GMT

mummy of 2 — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 08:51:16 GMT

daisyt:
hi mummy of 2, thats sweet of your DS1.

I quite like the idea of this programe in certain companies, where children go to work with parents, to see how they work and understand their work. Hopefully, more and more pro-family companies can do that.

Yes, really sweet of him. Considering he's only 4+. Hope he will continue to think the same till he starts working. Gosh, that's many years away.

Have brought DS1 and DD2 to my office before. But as they are still young, doubt they can understand what I'm doing. All they can see if my laptop, and many piles of papers on my desk :oops:

I would rather the company look at the workload, and consider the work-life balance of employees in totality. Allowing kids to come and see the parents at work is but one small aspect. Frankly what use is that if I have to work late most of the time, while the kids get to come to my office once a year?

Reply to SAHP or working is better? on Fri, 05 Mar 2010 08:47:36 GMT

Blobbi — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 08:47:36 GMT

mummy of 2:
But DS1 does know that it's not easy for us to work. He says when he grows, he will work and support us. That's enough to keep me going again.

Gosh mummy of 2, you must be feeling :love: :love: :love:!!!

Reply to SAHP or working is better? on Fri, 05 Mar 2010 08:42:48 GMT

buds — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 08:42:48 GMT

csc:
Blobbi:

When the kid is in school, I can focus on something else. When he's back, I have so much more energy and am in a better mood to handle the usual kiddy angst and just chill together.

Can't agree with you more. :celebrate:

For me, I am in a better physical and emotional state to handle the teenage angst and yes, chill together.

Enjoying it now.

Ya, true bliss. Can stay home KSP while HE deals with the work. :lol:
But SAHP with ILs also gotta handle politics... and most times worse
than office politics. So i hide in room and chat with you guys, some
more so hot now... on aircon and chill. Yeaahh chill.

It's hard to imagine your children in angst csc jie. :love:

SAHP get to nip issues in the bud as we see the child off to school
and receive the child when he/she arrives home. We're the parent,
the coach, the cook and also the friend. With so many negative
behaviours on the rise, it does help being there to monitor their
growth and be there for them... for better or for worse.

Work hand in hand.

Sometimes my girls help me with housework and i decline and told
them to rest or play have some of their own time they'd say, \"You
also help us with our work, we'll help you with yours.\" Mebbe they
saw i left the pile to rise and finish off with them first so they took
pity on me. Hee. Hubs sometimes adds if we all pitch in like
this often, then everybody gets to play/chill together!

I recently told them i might be going back to work and both of them
went... \"Aaaawww...\" and gave me a d'ya reali have to face. :politebleah:

Reply to SAHP or working is better? on Fri, 05 Mar 2010 08:11:02 GMT

daisyt — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 08:11:02 GMT

hi mummy of 2, thats sweet of your DS1.

I quite like the idea of this programe in certain companies, where children go to work with parents, to see how they work and understand their work. Hopefully, more and more pro-family companies can do that.

Reply to SAHP or working is better? on Fri, 05 Mar 2010 07:32:21 GMT

mummy of 2 — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 07:32:21 GMT

daisyt:
Sometimes, if we cannot stay cool and bring back the work problems home, our mood would affect our family members as well. Speaking about that, we parents are also normal human being. So its really not a matter of SAHP or FTWP or PTWP to link with how well the children would turn up to be. Its the parent's attitute towards their life and the life of their children that count. JMHO ....

Couldn't have said it better myself. It's not easy to leave work issues at work, esp when you face a lot of deadlines, find yourself stretched in all direction, at work, at home, and trying to find \"me\" time to keep sane. :stupid:

My kids are too young for me to burden them with the stresses of working life. But DS1 does know that it's not easy for us to work. He says when he grows, he will work and support us. That's enough to keep me going again.

Reply to SAHP or working is better? on Fri, 05 Mar 2010 07:20:52 GMT

daisyt — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 07:20:52 GMT

For working parents, we have all kinds of office politics and problems to handle. Come back home, we have problems of children to handle and resolve. Sometimes, if we cannot stay cool and bring back the work problems home, our mood would affect our family members as well. Speaking about that, we parents are also normal human being. Our kids can rely us to help them solve their problems, share their woes. Sometimes, I would share my problems with dd but it might seems too complicated for her to understand. Morever, I find it not so fair for her to absorb all these at this age. Stay at home parents have their other set of problems too. So its really not a matter of SAHP or FTWP or PTWP to link with how well the children would turn up to be. Its the parent's attitute towards their life and the life of their children that count. JMHO ....

Reply to SAHP or working is better? on Fri, 05 Mar 2010 05:36:07 GMT

mummy of 2 — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 05:36:07 GMT

Blobbi:
skunk:
Ironically, it's those FTWP who made the wonderful decision to become SAHP, that will face this prob.

After a few days of full interaction with their own children, they might decide they're better off working, since \"they ain't cut out to be SAHP\"....it's just the transitional period!!

There's a difference interacting with them almost the whole day, and \"2 or 3 hours of quality time after work\". Like i said earlier, there's no such thing as \"quality time\". U can't have quality without quantity, when it comes to spending time with your own kids.
I completely agree cos I went through this. Fortunately, I think I've found the right balance now. When the kid is in school, I can focus on something else. When he's back, I have so much more energy and am in a better mood to handle the usual kiddy angst and just chill together.

And yes, I thoroughly believe in \"time\", not quality time. Up to when my son turn 5, I was working and flying around so much, I barely had time to read to him. Now I can safely say our relationship is so much closer, and there's nothing in the world I will exchange that for. :love:

I'm trying to find that balance too, but find it increasingly harder, with the ever-growing workload.

Reply to SAHP or working is better? on Thu, 04 Mar 2010 23:46:12 GMT

csc — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 23:46:12 GMT

Blobbi:

When the kid is in school, I can focus on something else. When he's back, I have so much more energy and am in a better mood to handle the usual kiddy angst and just chill together.

Can't agree with you more. :celebrate:

For me, I am in a better physical and emotional state to handle the teenage angst and yes, chill together.

Enjoying it now.

Reply to SAHP or working is better? on Thu, 04 Mar 2010 23:37:22 GMT

Blobbi — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 23:37:22 GMT

skunk:
Ironically, it's those FTWP who made the wonderful decision to become SAHP, that will face this prob.

After a few days of full interaction with their own children, they might decide they're better off working, since \"they ain't cut out to be SAHP\"....it's just the transitional period!!

There's a difference interacting with them almost the whole day, and \"2 or 3 hours of quality time after work\". Like i said earlier, there's no such thing as \"quality time\". U can't have quality without quantity, when it comes to spending time with your own kids.

I completely agree cos I went through this. Fortunately, I think I've found the right balance now. When the kid is in school, I can focus on something else. When he's back, I have so much more energy and am in a better mood to handle the usual kiddy angst and just chill together.

And yes, I thoroughly believe in \"time\", not quality time. Up to when my son turn 5, I was working and flying around so much, I barely had time to read to him. Now I can safely say our relationship is so much closer, and there's nothing in the world I will exchange that for. :love:

Reply to SAHP or working is better? on Thu, 04 Mar 2010 22:58:49 GMT

foreverj — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 22:58:49 GMT

Luvkid:

As a FTWP, I seldom have time alone with either 1 of my 2 boys. Anyhow, during the last festive season break, I have an extra day off from work, hence decided to spend a half day purely with DS1 who is in P2, as I dun have a chance with him alone. :oops: Normally, life always occupied with 2 DS..... So we spent a \"fun filled\" morning before sending him to school. YES, indeed \"Fun filled\"!! :evil: After breakfast, we spent a full 1 1/2 hour doing on line assesments. He was HELP!! :!: After that, I asked him would he prefer me to staying at home or he prefer to be in student care centre? His answer was the latter cos he said I got myself so busy in teaching him, ironing clothing and preparing lunch. Think he can't stand with me around asking him to do so much, that's y he prefer to to be in student care centre....

hi luvkid, i believe the mundanity of doing all these - coaching, ironing , cooking - will no doubt get to the SAHP once in a while. in fact, as the kid gets older, he/she may even loathe the physical presence of the parent cos constantly got someone at his/ger back to \"guan3\" mah. more impt is whether the kid benefits in the long run in terms of growing up with the right values and someone paying attention to the school work and keeping the kid mixing with the right company of friends.

Reply to SAHP or working is better? on Thu, 04 Mar 2010 15:40:40 GMT

autumnbronze — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 15:40:40 GMT

foreverj:
skunk:

If a parent is \"not suitable\" to spend alot of time with their child, then how are they even suitable to be a parent in the first place?

People are not born parents, they become parents.

I know of a young couple, who TOTALLY abandoned their child to the grandparents and maid....and now, they claim they're \"simply not good with kids\". Duh.

The more time one spends with his/her child, the better parent he/she will become.
agreed, esp the last statement! i have a theory that children with a parent at home stays grounded, grows up adopting the beliefs and values of the parents, not to mention being closer to them. not to say FTWP can't achieve that but it probably takes more effort on the part of the WP eg. making up for the lost time on weekends, holidays. Parents need to take a real, keen interest in the lives of their children from the start (not when problems start appearing) n to achieve that - u can't run away from spending time together.

I third that, after mummy of 2's response

Highlighted statements affirm my beliefs

Reply to SAHP or working is better? on Thu, 04 Mar 2010 10:12:20 GMT

toddles — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 10:12:20 GMT

skunk:
toddles:

However there are some SAHP that really are not suited and end up frustrating themselves and their kids. In the long run, also their relationship with their kids suffers cos of the constant 'power struggle'.
If a parent is \"not suitable\" to spend alot of time with their child, then how are they even suitable to be a parent in the first place?

People are not born parents, they become parents.

I know of a young couple, who TOTALLY abandoned their child to the grandparents and maid....and now, they claim they're \"simply not good with kids\". Duh.

The more time one spends with his/her child, the better parent he/she will become.

Maybe what I meant is to share my observations from people I know.

Sometimes people think that when they stay home they will become very close to their kids, when they grow up they will enjoy going spa together etc. One friend I have said that she felt that she would have had a better relationship with her mum if she hadn't homeschooled her till her teens. Perhaps the role of teacher and mum strained relations (we all know how it's harder to teach your own child).

Another SAHM I know doesn't have a close relationship with her grown-up child as well, whilst some FTWM have much closer relationships with their children, simply because they have more balanced views that come from being more in touch with the working world and being less 'control freakish' (instead of having their lives centre mainly around the children and tending to 'cramp their space').

maybe these are the exceptions. but i can see how it came to be, and how it could happen to others.

Overall, I would agree that these days most people tend to err on the side of neglect of their children rather than stifling them with attention.

Reply to SAHP or working is better? on Thu, 04 Mar 2010 10:08:58 GMT

skunk — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 10:08:58 GMT

Ironically, it’s those FTWP who made the wonderful decision to become SAHP, that will face this prob.

After a few days of full interaction with their own children, they might decide they’re better off working, since "they ain’t cut out to be SAHP"…it’s just the transitional period!!

There’s a difference interacting with them almost the whole day, and "2 or 3 hours of quality time after work". Like i said earlier, there’s no such thing as "quality time". U can’t have quality without quantity, when it comes to spending time with your own kids.

Reply to SAHP or working is better? on Thu, 04 Mar 2010 10:02:45 GMT

foreverj — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 10:02:45 GMT

skunk:

If a parent is \"not suitable\" to spend alot of time with their child, then how are they even suitable to be a parent in the first place?

People are not born parents, they become parents.

I know of a young couple, who TOTALLY abandoned their child to the grandparents and maid....and now, they claim they're \"simply not good with kids\". Duh.

The more time one spends with his/her child, the better parent he/she will become.

agreed, esp the last statement! i have a theory that children with a parent at home stays grounded, grows up adopting the beliefs and values of the parents, not to mention being closer to them. not to say FTWP can't achieve that but it probably takes more effort on the part of the WP eg. making up for the lost time on weekends, holidays. Parents need to take a real, keen interest in the lives of their children from the start (not when problems start appearing) n to achieve that - u can't run away from spending time together.

Reply to SAHP or working is better? on Thu, 04 Mar 2010 08:02:07 GMT

mummy of 2 — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 08:02:07 GMT

skunk:
toddles:

However there are some SAHP that really are not suited and end up frustrating themselves and their kids. In the long run, also their relationship with their kids suffers cos of the constant 'power struggle'.
If a parent is \"not suitable\" to spend alot of time with their child, then how are they even suitable to be a parent in the first place?

People are not born parents, they become parents.

I know of a young couple, who TOTALLY abandoned their child to the grandparents and maid....and now, they claim they're \"simply not good with kids\". Duh.

The more time one spends with his/her child, the better parent he/she will become.

I agree. Must say I do not have the qualities to be a good parent, like patience etc. But I try, and learn along the way. It may be tough but it's an enjoyable journey. And i think that's how parenting should be - a shared journey with our spouse and children

Reply to SAHP or working is better? on Thu, 04 Mar 2010 07:51:23 GMT

skunk — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 07:51:23 GMT

toddles:

However there are some SAHP that really are not suited and end up frustrating themselves and their kids. In the long run, also their relationship with their kids suffers cos of the constant 'power struggle'.

If a parent is \"not suitable\" to spend alot of time with their child, then how are they even suitable to be a parent in the first place?

People are not born parents, they become parents.

I know of a young couple, who TOTALLY abandoned their child to the grandparents and maid....and now, they claim they're \"simply not good with kids\". Duh.

The more time one spends with his/her child, the better parent he/she will become.

Reply to SAHP or working is better? on Thu, 04 Mar 2010 06:52:29 GMT

Luvkid — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 06:52:29 GMT

ksme:
........... When I jokingly told DS that I am going back to work soon, he told me not to. That made my day to know that my son wants me around............

As a FTWP, I seldom have time alone with either 1 of my 2 boys. Anyhow, during the last festive season break, I have an extra day off from work, hence decided to spend a half day purely with DS1 who is in P2, as I dun have a chance with him alone. :oops: Normally, life always occupied with 2 DS..... So we spent a \"fun filled\" morning before sending him to school. YES, indeed \"Fun filled\"!! :evil: After breakfast, we spent a full 1 1/2 hour doing on line assesments. He was HELP!! :!: After that, I asked him would he prefer me to staying at home or he prefer to be in student care centre? His answer was the latter cos he said I got myself so busy in teaching him, ironing clothing and preparing lunch. Think he can't stand with me around asking him to do so much, that's y he prefer to to be in student care centre....

Reply to SAHP or working is better? on Thu, 04 Mar 2010 05:38:54 GMT

ksme — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 05:38:54 GMT

I was a FTWM until few months ago when there was a restructuring in my company. Since then, I have been a SAHM. My son who is now in P4 used to be closer to his father who has a job that has better work life balance than mine did. I had great family support with my mum helping me with DS.

Since stopping work, DS spends more time with me at home. The bond is reinstated and although I still scream at him for not doing his homework or this or that, DS is definitely closer to me. I value the time I have with him and to talk to him about anything he wants to discuss. I recall being impatient with him when I was working last time.

DS seems to be doing well in school and has loads of activities that he can now participate in since I can be there to pick him up or drop him off as and when required compared to last time when we have to worry about logistics and transport.

Even DH can see the difference in the family dynamics and has given me the "permission" to stay home longer. (Permission since he is now the sole breadwinner) When I jokingly told DS that I am going back to work soon, he told me not to. That made my day to know that my son wants me around.

Although there have been offers to go back to work, I have not accepted. Even though there will always be the insecurity about not having an income and also the days when you wonder if the opportunity cost is too high, I think I have made up my mind to stay at home as long as it makes sense for the family.

For those who are contemplating to switch from FTWM to SAHM, I advocate SAHM if family finances permits. The time to build the bond when the kids are young is precious and short. Hopefully, this will help them to become good, sensible adults when they grow up.

Reply to SAHP or working is better? on Thu, 04 Mar 2010 03:56:51 GMT

toddles — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 03:56:51 GMT

skunk:
Lock:

It is all about being there for your kid emotionally and spiritually and not just physically.
Although a parent can be present physically and absent emotionally, there's no way u can be absent physically and present emotionally.

I still maintain that it's best for the children if a parent can stay at home, depending on family circumstances.

totally agree!

skunk:
This doesn't mean all SAHP are good and all FTWP are bad, but if possible, a SAHP would do wonders not obvious immediately.

However there are some SAHP that really are not suited and end up frustrating themselves and their kids. In the long run, also their relationship with their kids suffers cos of the constant 'power struggle'.

Reply to SAHP or working is better? on Thu, 04 Mar 2010 03:51:27 GMT

toddles — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 03:51:27 GMT

lovekidsverymuch:
toddles:
I guess ultimately this will show up in how the child relates to the parent in the long run...

So are you suggesting that woman should always be SAHP?

Nope... first premise is whether SAHP or FTWM, priority to be kids, and that will show in how we prioritise whatever time available to us.

of course, easier said than done for me too.

Reply to SAHP or working is better? on Thu, 04 Mar 2010 00:43:01 GMT

foreverj — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 00:43:01 GMT

[quote=\"minnie2004]

On one hand, we should cherish the moments we have with the kids when they're still young, on the other hand, we need to prepare for the feeling of loss when they don't need us anymore. So keeping a job, either PT or FT can be considered an early preparation for that. Sometimes I really wish my kids won't grow up so fast

I dream of one day after DD has grown up and passed the rebellious teenage years, we can do facial and attend yoga classes together [/quote]

definitely! i work PT now but stil a constant struggle cos wil lose out in terms of career progression. sigh, no perfect solution, can only thank God at least i have a choice of doing PT n able to find a meaningful PT job. i also panicked occasionally when i realise my dd growing up so fast, like not enough time with her...

as for rebellious age, sigh... dun even dare to think of it leh...

Reply to SAHP or working is better? on Thu, 04 Mar 2010 00:27:00 GMT

foreverj — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 00:27:00 GMT

hi lock, students can only do so much to their hair right? anyway, i tot its quite a waste of time for the daughters (cos sec school should be busy with homework and CCAs right?) unless they r also enjoying themselves sitting in the salon.

as for me, i was sitting in the salon one day n started asking them how much they charge for cutting my dd's hair. they said $16 n that was cheap compared to junior league. so now planning next time, dd can sit in salon with me to cut hair.

next time, when she grows up and earns her own keep, we can go for facials, hi tea, shopping together! actually i dun do facial, likely she wil go with the dad who is growing more and more \"vain\" as he grows older...