<![CDATA[Had problems with in laws in the past.....]]>In-law relationships are not simple. Balancing loyalties, drawing boundaries between ourselves and the people we love, and resisting the self-protective biases that blind us to our own unfairness are all essential to prevent in-law conflict from overwhelming a marriage - and to silence those cries of \"Whose side are you on?\" I guess respect and communication are the two basic things you need to have in order to live peacefully w/ your in laws. 🙂

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/topic/89136/had-problems-with-in-laws-in-the-pastRSS for NodeWed, 22 Apr 2026 21:21:32 GMTMon, 07 May 2018 02:27:55 GMT60<![CDATA[Reply to Had problems with in laws in the past..... on Fri, 13 Oct 2017 10:55:18 GMT]]>i remember i had problems with FIL too. met an ukrainian girl on this international dating site https://mymagicbrides.com/blog/women-seeking-men/ then went to Ukraine.. still it was hard to find a common language with her parents. they were afraid that i would take their daughter to my country. plus they were distrustful of foreigners. the only thing I may say - ukrainian girls are beautiful 😐

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1808169https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1808169Fri, 13 Oct 2017 10:55:18 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Had problems with in laws in the past..... on Tue, 04 Jul 2017 05:21:49 GMT]]>Update on DD2: Talked to the discipline mistress and in view of factors/reasons stemming from family environment,she decided to give DD2 2 weeks of detention and a stern warning on her behaviour.This incident would not reflect in her records too.She will also get a straight zero for the paper too.


Was relieved to hear that.DD2 as well.Now I can leave for the US this week in peace.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782368https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782368Tue, 04 Jul 2017 05:21:49 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Had problems with in laws in the past..... on Mon, 03 Jul 2017 05:44:28 GMT]]>

phtthp:
Also, pls make sure that in her current Malaysian report card school, they do not record down anything negative about her.


If this is recorded in black and white, inside her report card : it will be tough looking for Transfer into Sg local school, as the first thing Principal ask is : what happened ?

Somehow, do try to \"Physco\" or explain to that strict Disciplinary master, and also speak to the Form Tr in, her current school, seek their help : do not record anything negative into her report card, if the Form Tr is the one, writing comments about her.

It is wise to take simkhoo's good advice : look for counsellor, let your girls talk to counsellor. It will help them, as It seem like they are going through a lot of stress, emotionally.
I talk to both of them every night before I sleep and they seem to be like any other normal 11 year old girls.

My MIL called me during lunch and told me what DD2 told her why she cheated in the CA test.

There is only one reason: She wanted to please me by getting high marks for her Chinese CA test and not make me worry about her before I go to the US.

Forgotten to add that DD2 faces suspension from school.Her case is now pending.Either detention,suspension or black mark in her records.I am meeting the discipline mistress tomorrow to discuss the closure of this matter.

Does bringing both DDs out for a meal with my wife and talk to them solve matters?

Unfortunately,I am on night duty today and unable to talk to DD2.Maybe she will be happy to hear my voice if I call home to talk to her later.

Meeting her teacher tomorrow to learn of what will happen to her after being caught red handed for cheating in her CA Chinese paper.

Called home just now and talked to DD2.She told me grandma and mommy talked to her about her misbehaviour in school.DD2 cried and apologised for making me upset over the weekend and making me worry about her in school.She told me she missed me very much and cried herself to sleep whenever I am not at home.When she was staying in Malaysia in the past,she will always look forward to my regular visits and always felt sad when I had to leave.DD2 also hoped that I will return from the US in the next few weeks and Australia in September asap because she enjoyed riding with me,zehzeh and Mommy in my Mazda 2 and bring her for activities like shopping for aquarium fishes,prawning,swimming,cycling and picnicking at ECP during weekends.She is also willing to accept any punishment that her school gives her and change over to grow up into a girl who is honest and has integrity in whatever she does just like how I taught her.

To be honest,I shed a few tears when I heard DD2 say all these to me.Advised her not to repeat her mistake again.Talked to my wife and she told me that when she told DD2 over dinner initially that I had to stay in camp for duty tonight and would not be home,DD2 sulked and asked my wife if she could drive her to my camp so that she could see me.She was chided by DD1 for such a stupid request instead.My wife actually wanted to and picked up the car keys but my MIL stopped her and reminded my wife to be firm.Both mommy and grandma told DD2 that daddy will call later to talk to her and will be back tomorrow.She then finally calmed down and her zehzeh told her to grow up a bit and don't make daddy worry while he is working.DD2 then quietly followed my wife into the study after dinner for a bit of Chinese revision.Talked to DD1 as well,told her what I am about to say is the same as what I am going to tell meimei as well when I reach home tomorrow.Told DD1 that I do not love her any less than meimei.Although meimei sticks to me,I give both sisters equal treatment.No one is to be left out of my love for my family including Mommy.DD1 said she understood and told me not to worry about things at home as she will look after mommy and meimei together with grandma.

To be honest,I dunno what to do if my wife appeared in the car at the camp gates with DD2 in tow.Its a good thing I did not see any signs of my car at the gates as I was around that area for most of the evening while eating my dinner with my men.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782176https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782176Mon, 03 Jul 2017 05:44:28 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Had problems with in laws in the past..... on Mon, 03 Jul 2017 05:33:07 GMT]]>Also, pls make sure that in her current Malaysian report card school, they do not record down anything negative about her.


If this is recorded in black and white, inside her report card : it will be tough looking for Transfer into Sg local school, as the first thing Principal ask is : what happened ?

Somehow, do try to "Physco" or explain to that strict Disciplinary master, and also speak to the Form Tr in, her current school, seek their help : do not record anything negative into her report card, if the Form Tr is the one, writing comments about her.

It is wise to take simkhoo’s good advice : look for counsellor, let your girls talk to counsellor. It will help them, as It seem like they are going through a lot of stress, emotionally.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782172https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782172Mon, 03 Jul 2017 05:33:07 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Had problems with in laws in the past..... on Mon, 03 Jul 2017 05:25:48 GMT]]>

slmkhoo:
FishFingers:

Hope so.Hope also that DD2 just gets detention and a black mark on her record and she will not be caned.


How can I comfort DD2 if she is caned and slapped with detention and black mark on her record?Will it affect her chances of getting into a school here?

The school in Singapore may or may not be made aware of it. It depends on what sort of documentation they need from the current school, and what the current school reports. You must be prepared, if the Singapore school questions you about it, to explain why your daughter is going through a tough time. Does Malaysia still allow caning and slapping? I would have strong reservations about such a school.

As I have suggested before, I believe that your family would benefit from family counselling of some kind. Even if you and your wife are not willing to take part, perhaps you can send your daughters for counselling. It will be a good for a professional to highlight areas of concern and suggest some ways to handle them. In my opinion, your younger daughter's actions are serious enough to be regarded as danger signals or cries for help. The counsellor may well tell you that it is a passing phase and your daughters don't show any signs of serious distress; but if there are major issues, it's best to start dealing with them early before they escalate. A counsellor's report may also help to explain your daughter's conduct to a Singapore school if they question it.

I think the caning part is not for girls and what I mentioned about being slapped with detention is an expression.

Most likely from what I understand from my wife with output from the teacher,female students who commit offenses are usually given detentions and black mark on their records.

Last time,when I counselled DD1 about her shoplifting,she has been quite obedient and even pulled up her grades esp in Chinese to 67.

Or should I ask my wife talk to DD2?

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782169https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782169Mon, 03 Jul 2017 05:25:48 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Had problems with in laws in the past..... on Mon, 03 Jul 2017 05:18:51 GMT]]>

FishFingers:
Hope so.Hope also that DD2 just gets detention and a black mark on her record and she will not be caned.


How can I comfort DD2 if she is caned and slapped with detention and black mark on her record?Will it affect her chances of getting into a school here?
The school in Singapore may or may not be made aware of it. It depends on what sort of documentation they need from the current school, and what the current school reports. You must be prepared, if the Singapore school questions you about it, to explain why your daughter is going through a tough time. Does Malaysia still allow caning and slapping? I would have strong reservations about such a school.

As I have suggested before, I believe that your family would benefit from family counselling of some kind. Even if you and your wife are not willing to take part, perhaps you can send your daughters for counselling. It will be a good for a professional to highlight areas of concern and suggest some ways to handle them. In my opinion, your younger daughter's actions are serious enough to be regarded as danger signals or cries for help. The counsellor may well tell you that it is a passing phase and your daughters don't show any signs of serious distress; but if there are major issues, it's best to start dealing with them early before they escalate. A counsellor's report may also help to explain your daughter's conduct to a Singapore school if they question it.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782163https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782163Mon, 03 Jul 2017 05:18:51 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Had problems with in laws in the past..... on Mon, 03 Jul 2017 05:08:12 GMT]]>

janet88:
FishFingers:


I also don't spoil them.If they did well,they can ask for any one item from me.Misbehave and you will be grounded like DD2 currently.

Told my wife to deal with the school and punishments from them regarding DD2 while I am away.

your wife will know how to handle when you are away. don't worry.

Hope so.Hope also that DD2 just gets detention and a black mark on her record and she will not be caned.

How can I comfort DD2 if she is caned and slapped with detention and black mark on her record?Will it affect her chances of getting into a school here?

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782157https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782157Mon, 03 Jul 2017 05:08:12 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Had problems with in laws in the past..... on Mon, 03 Jul 2017 05:01:22 GMT]]>

FishFingers:

I also don't spoil them.If they did well,they can ask for any one item from me.Misbehave and you will be grounded like DD2 currently.

Told my wife to deal with the school and punishments from them regarding DD2 while I am away.
your wife will know how to handle when you are away. don't worry.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782154https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782154Mon, 03 Jul 2017 05:01:22 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Had problems with in laws in the past..... on Mon, 03 Jul 2017 04:53:48 GMT]]>I used to throw my temper but had toned down in the last few years.


Before I go to the US,think I must stress on the girls on what I had been teaching them in Character First about obedience and honesty.

I learnt hard approaches don’t work for both my girls.When I advise them calmly,find that they generally listen.

I also don’t spoil them.If they did well,they can ask for any one item from me.Misbehave and you will be grounded like DD2 currently.

Told my wife to deal with the school and punishments from them regarding DD2 while I am away.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782151https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782151Mon, 03 Jul 2017 04:53:48 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Had problems with in laws in the past..... on Mon, 03 Jul 2017 04:44:56 GMT]]>although my hubby is the one holding the purse strings, i have the final say when it comes to buying big ticket items. hubby is generally a soft person, and has a soft spot for daughter. i have a soft spot for my son but i don’t spoil him. hubby spoils.


when they want to buy something, they will usually approach me. sometimes they will ask hubby. out of the blue, son wanted samsung s8. i asked him what is wrong with his s7 as it was a birthday gift. case closed.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782148https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782148Mon, 03 Jul 2017 04:44:56 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Had problems with in laws in the past..... on Mon, 03 Jul 2017 04:20:17 GMT]]>

FishFingers:
Internalise? What do you mean?


Always reminded my wife to be firm and learn how to say no to them.But once I am not at home and both girls whine or sulk at my wife,my wife will feel soft hearted.
If I have a sibling who is \"blackmailing\" a parent to get her way and always succeeds, why should I not do the same?

Reminders won't really work well, be it your wife or your twins dd. The process has to be a two way traffic, you throw questions at the child, expecting the child to think through it, reason within herself and then coming to a conclusion/solution on her own, communicating to the parents and then committing to follow through the agreed solution.

Due to some personal reasons, my hubby is also more sympathetic towards our 2nd child and would always grants the wishes of the boy.

I spoke to our 2nd child: indeed your father is giving you more leeway, but do you think it is correct for him to do so? Do you honestly believe you deserve it?

Some time ago, our 2nd boy told me he wishes to have a new mobile phone. I threw questions at him, then told him: go ahead n tell your father, he sure will buy for you. In the end, our boy did not mention the iPhone again.

I do not know whether my approach will work on your twin dd as every child is unique.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782140https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782140Mon, 03 Jul 2017 04:20:17 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Had problems with in laws in the past..... on Mon, 03 Jul 2017 03:57:48 GMT]]>Internalise? What do you mean?


Always reminded my wife to be firm and learn how to say no to them.But once I am not at home and both girls whine or sulk at my wife,my wife will feel soft hearted.

That explains why I was a bit frustrated with my wife last time,raised my voice at her,the girls did not like it and questioned me.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782137https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782137Mon, 03 Jul 2017 03:57:48 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Had problems with in laws in the past..... on Mon, 03 Jul 2017 03:46:33 GMT]]>

FishFingers:
janet88:

[quote=\"FishFingers\"]
Just wished I could be there for DD2 when she gets punished and have a closure from there.Hope she will not be caned though.

your younger daughter is very attached to you. same goes for my daughter here. lots of secrets between father and daughter. not entirely reliable in terms of secrets, but she will tell me secrets her father tells her.

My wife only attends to their body matters but DD1 is attached to my wife,DD2 to me.DD2 does not tell my wife everything.She dares to sulk and whines at my wife when she does not get her way.

Not with me though...[/quote]Actually I would be more worried about the manner your dd2 gets her way around the mother by sulking/whining and how your dd1 internalizes these episodes. Definitely not healthy for both girls.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782132https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782132Mon, 03 Jul 2017 03:46:33 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Had problems with in laws in the past..... on Mon, 03 Jul 2017 03:44:47 GMT]]>

janet88:
FishFingers:


My wife only attends to their body matters but DD1 is attached to my wife,DD2 to me.DD2 does not tell my wife everything.She dares to sulk and whines at my wife when she does not get her way.

Not with me though...

with me, she will not dare to whine and sulk. she will do that she doesn't get her way with hubby.

Maybe my wife is good to bully haha.

Had a bad long dream last 2 nights about DD2.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782131https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782131Mon, 03 Jul 2017 03:44:47 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Had problems with in laws in the past..... on Mon, 03 Jul 2017 03:39:19 GMT]]>

FishFingers:

My wife only attends to their body matters but DD1 is attached to my wife,DD2 to me.DD2 does not tell my wife everything.She dares to sulk and whines at my wife when she does not get her way.

Not with me though...
with me, she will not dare to whine and sulk. she will do that she doesn't get her way with hubby.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782129https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782129Mon, 03 Jul 2017 03:39:19 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Had problems with in laws in the past..... on Mon, 03 Jul 2017 03:32:55 GMT]]>

janet88:
FishFingers:


Just wished I could be there for DD2 when she gets punished and have a closure from there.Hope she will not be caned though.

your younger daughter is very attached to you. same goes for my daughter here. lots of secrets between father and daughter. not entirely reliable in terms of secrets, but she will tell me secrets her father tells her.

My wife only attends to their body matters but DD1 is attached to my wife,DD2 to me.DD2 does not tell my wife everything.She dares to sulk and whines at my wife when she does not get her way.

Not with me though...

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782127https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782127Mon, 03 Jul 2017 03:32:55 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Had problems with in laws in the past..... on Mon, 03 Jul 2017 03:20:49 GMT]]>

FishFingers:

Just wished I could be there for DD2 when she gets punished and have a closure from there.Hope she will not be caned though.
your younger daughter is very attached to you. same goes for my daughter here. lots of secrets between father and daughter. not entirely reliable in terms of secrets, but she will tell me secrets her father tells her.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782125https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782125Mon, 03 Jul 2017 03:20:49 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Had problems with in laws in the past..... on Mon, 03 Jul 2017 02:56:38 GMT]]>

janet88:
FishFingers:

Sorry,previous post is a bit messy.


i have the same problem sometimes.

Just wished I could be there for DD2 when she gets punished and have a closure from there.Hope she will not be caned though.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782118https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782118Mon, 03 Jul 2017 02:56:38 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Had problems with in laws in the past..... on Mon, 03 Jul 2017 02:45:57 GMT]]>

FishFingers:
Sorry,previous post is a bit messy.

i have the same problem sometimes.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782113https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782113Mon, 03 Jul 2017 02:45:57 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Had problems with in laws in the past..... on Mon, 03 Jul 2017 02:38:24 GMT]]>Sorry,previous post is a bit messy.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782109https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782109Mon, 03 Jul 2017 02:38:24 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Had problems with in laws in the past..... on Mon, 03 Jul 2017 02:36:04 GMT]]>

FishFingers:

FF,
if your wife is teaching her and she is still having difficulties, why not get her tested? if she is tested and found ok, then she is really weak in chinese.
My wife tested her before and she does not have any learning disabilities.

I am just worried about the kind of punishment meted pit to DD2.Not sure whether she will be caned,detention or have this as a black mark on her record.Definitely she will have a zero for her CA paper though.[/quote]
as a parent, i would be very worried what punishment will be meted out too. your daughter was desperate but forgot it was a test and cannot turn around to ask. coming to singapore would be a fresh start since they are going to be studying in singapore for good. it would be to their advantage to step down.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782107https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782107Mon, 03 Jul 2017 02:36:04 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Had problems with in laws in the past..... on Mon, 03 Jul 2017 01:50:48 GMT]]>

janet88:
chinese is not an easy language. i worked with my kids when they were in lower primary school. for my younger one, despite so much more time put in at the expense of the other subjects and having a tutor, she just can't absorb or remember the strokes and failing 听写. her tutor advised me to get her tested for any language disability. after a long wait and several tests, it was found that she had language disability and exempted from Chinese.


FF,
if your wife is teaching her and she is still having difficulties, why not get her tested? if she is tested and found ok, then she is really weak in chinese.

as you will be going overseas soon, don't fret over what's happening at home nor give your daughters any pressure. your MIL is in singapore, so she will be able to help. the matter is over. the school is going to punish her, so don't talk about it. move on and motivate them to work harder. encourage them for any improvement made for effort put in.
My wife tested her before and she does not have any learning disabilities.

I am just worried about the kind of punishment meted pit to DD2.Not sure whether she will be caned,detention or have this as a black mark on her record.Definitely she will have a zero for her CA Chinese paper though.

My wife is more worried being unable to handle DD2 and me not at home after she gets punished in school because she can be very moody and cries after that.Usually DD2 will run to me for comfort and cries in my arms after she gets scolded or punished.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782099https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782099Mon, 03 Jul 2017 01:50:48 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to Had problems with in laws in the past..... on Mon, 03 Jul 2017 01:37:09 GMT]]>chinese is not an easy language. i worked with my kids when they were in lower primary school. for my younger one, despite so much more time put in at the expense of the other subjects and having a tutor, she just can’t absorb or remember the strokes and failing 听写. her tutor advised me to get her tested for any language disability. after a long wait and several tests, it was found that she had language disability and exempted from Chinese.


FF,
if your wife is teaching her and she is still having difficulties, why not get her tested? if she is tested and found ok, then she is really weak in chinese.

as you will be going overseas soon, don’t fret over what’s happening at home nor give your daughters any pressure. your MIL is in singapore, so she will be able to help. the matter is over. the school is going to punish her, so don’t talk about it. move on and motivate them to work harder. encourage them for any improvement made for effort put in.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782095https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/1782095Mon, 03 Jul 2017 01:37:09 GMT