My son says i dont love him

Reply to My son says i dont love him on Sat, 17 Apr 2010 23:48:05 GMT

Mum2kids — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 23:48:05 GMT

heyhoe:
Just read a book on 5 Languages of Love. Maybe we can apply these and hopefully it might help:-

1. Affirmations
2. Physical Touch
3. Gifts
4. Act of Service
5. Quality Time

In none specific order and can apply to all loved ones including hubby

Yes, I really recommend this book for all - it says: Whatever we do/say, it's what the recipient perceives that makes it effective

eg. for someone whose love language is affirmations (ie. needs words of love), you can hug and kiss and think that's showing love...but the person doesn't feel so. You need to say loving words to get the message across. On the flip side, because words carry such \"heavy weight\" for them, for such persons, words uttered in anger (when you don't mean them) hurt a lot.

Reply to My son says i dont love him on Mon, 12 Apr 2010 08:14:25 GMT

heyhoe — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 08:14:25 GMT

Just read a book on 5 Languages of Love. Maybe we can apply these and hopefully it might help:-

1. Affirmations
2. Physical Touch
3. Gifts
4. Act of Service
5. Quality Time

In none specific order and can apply to all loved ones including hubby

Reply to My son says i dont love him on Mon, 12 Apr 2010 05:15:35 GMT

fussyMummy — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 05:15:35 GMT

KoalaMummy:
last night, my 10yo ds says i don't love him. says i love his 2 younger siblings but not him. i'm so sad. how can i show him i love him, he being my first-born son. :heartbroken:

Hi KoalaMummy,

Same happened to me too....

DD 10 years old too, said I dont love her and always so strict to her... :stupid:

I explained to her that I am strict to her behaviour, asked her to help up on some household, as she is just like a mirror to her brother... If she is being good and her brother will follow the same, then I save effort ( being selfish mother I am :oops: )

Nowadays, always try to give her a hug before she goes to school and before bedtime... and seem like its help and she will say : wow, mummy so love me.. after a hug from me... :love:

Communication do plays big part of it... and I am always repeat (and so call nag!!!) some same sentenses, to let her understand, I do love her, always and forever...!

Reply to My son says i dont love him on Mon, 12 Apr 2010 03:44:02 GMT

adhdadhd — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 03:44:02 GMT

jiyou2003:
Two days ago, DS at 7yrs say that to me. I was on MC (chicken pox) so he get to stay home instead of going to Student Care in this wk. He was learning his spelling and I am talking on the phone w his aunty who is in labour ward waiting for delivery. When I return to his room, he was looking out the window. I saw tear in his eyes and ask what hd happen. He say I dont love him. He say he is sad. He had hide his spelling behind the writing table! I basically spent almost all my time w him when I'm back fm work. I dont stay up too often in office and comes home straight, no other outing on weekdays. Weekends we are together as a family. DH was jeolous. DS cry easily.

I cant understand.

Have you tried talking to him, as if he is an adult? You may be surprise with their response, when he feedback, just listen with great empathy, console him, assure him.

Reply to My son says i dont love him on Fri, 09 Apr 2010 03:45:41 GMT

tankee — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 03:45:41 GMT

jiyou2003:
.... He was learning his spelling and I am talking on the phone w his aunty who is in labour ward waiting for delivery. When I return to his room, he was looking out the window. I saw tear in his eyes and ask what hd happen. He say I dont love him. He say he is sad. ....

something must have happened while you were on the phone. Perhaps it was something that you said over the phone? or did you ignored him when he came to you while you were on the phone? :?

Reply to My son says i dont love him on Fri, 09 Apr 2010 03:40:44 GMT

jiyou2003 — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 03:40:44 GMT

Two days ago, DS at 7yrs say that to me. I was on MC (chicken pox) so he get to stay home instead of going to Student Care in this wk. He was learning his spelling and I am talking on the phone w his aunty who is in labour ward waiting for delivery. When I return to his room, he was looking out the window. I saw tear in his eyes and ask what hd happen. He say I dont love him. He say he is sad. He had hide his spelling behind the writing table! I basically spent almost all my time w him when I’m back fm work. I dont stay up too often in office and comes home straight, no other outing on weekdays. Weekends we are together as a family. DH was jeolous. DS cry easily.

I cant understand.

Reply to My son says i dont love him on Thu, 08 Apr 2010 11:43:53 GMT

cfan — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 11:43:53 GMT

I find giving hugs is very important.

When they wake up and ask me to wake up, I hug them and say I love you.

When I send them to school, I hug them and say "love you, see you later."

When I come back from work and they are still up, I open my arms wide and asks " Can Mummy have a huggie? I miss you"

Maybe because now they are still small.

If they are asleep by the time I get back, I still go to their room and kiss them and say "I miss you, Sleep tight"

When we are out together, I will sometimes tell them matter of factly "Do you know Mummy and Daddy loves you very much?" - follow by hugs.

Make sure your hugs are warm and tight so they get the message.

Reply to My son says i dont love him on Thu, 08 Apr 2010 07:09:49 GMT

adhdadhd — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 07:09:49 GMT

Hello KoalaMummy,

Don’t worry, he use don’t love, and not hate. Implication is you don’t love him as much.

Try 8 seconds hug, suggest you hug all of them together, they will enjoy it and feel fair. Kids are sensitive to touch (especially direct bodily touch).

You must improve his feeling before the age of 14, after that character is casted and take a big event to change.

Reply to My son says i dont love him on Thu, 08 Apr 2010 06:58:41 GMT

toddles — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 06:58:41 GMT

Interesting… I guess I’m not at that stage yet, but I had expected that it would be the other way around…

since i have so many albums of photos of DD, and scrapbooks, and detailed journalling about her growing up… have a strong feeling that all this won’t be replicated for future kids!

but i guess as they grow older, the older ones tend to feel neglected…

Reply to My son says i dont love him on Thu, 08 Apr 2010 06:48:57 GMT

heyhoe — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 06:48:57 GMT

KoalaMummy:
heyhoe:
Yesterday, ds1 said he's never ever going to talk to me again! He makes me so upset....

Dh said I'm too soft with the boys and they take advantage of me. :?: what should i do?
hihi, so sorry this episode happened to you. :hugs:

DH also said that to me. Guess it's the 'mother thing'. I feel i can't help it cos i'm like that. but i try (my best) to be a bit tough at times when i need to. :nunchuk:

btw, how old is your ds?

Thanks, KoalaMummy. He's coming 8 this year.

Reply to My son says i dont love him on Thu, 08 Apr 2010 06:41:55 GMT

KoalaMummy — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 06:41:55 GMT

heyhoe:
Yesterday, ds1 said he's never ever going to talk to me again! He makes me so upset....

Dh said I'm too soft with the boys and they take advantage of me. :?: what should i do?

hihi, so sorry this episode happened to you. :hugs:

DH also said that to me. Guess it's the 'mother thing'. I feel i can't help it cos i'm like that. but i try (my best) to be a bit tough at times when i need to. :nunchuk:

btw, how old is your ds?

Reply to My son says i dont love him on Thu, 08 Apr 2010 06:18:07 GMT

heyhoe — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 06:18:07 GMT

Yesterday, ds1 said he's never ever going to talk to me again! He makes me so upset.

It all started off cause ds1 got scolding from his dad for being slow in everything he does ..... eating, watching tv, bathing etc. Dh even threaten to stop him from going to school excursion.

Ds was crying and muttering under his breath. He refused to go and join the family. I tried to reason with him but he just refused to listen. In fact, he said,\" I'm never ever going to talk to me again!\". Totally puzzled, what did I do?

I blew up and report what he said to dh. Dh threaten to throw him out of the house. He took the house key and open the gate! :shock:

This morning, he woke up as if nothing happen. We reminded him and he apologise as he pass by me and softly say \"sorry\". I'm not the type to let go so I asked him what he's sorry for? He said sorry cause it's not me who said cannot go to the excursion. I told him not to repeat those hurtful words again. Then again, should I do something better?

Dh said I'm too soft with the boys and they take advantage of me. :?: what should i do?

Reply to My son says i dont love him on Tue, 30 Mar 2010 10:06:35 GMT

Jennifer — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 10:06:35 GMT

hardworking_mom:
But I don't want him to think each he only need to say the 2 magical words and case 'closed'.

This seems to be hubby's behaviour :lol:

Reply to My son says i dont love him on Tue, 30 Mar 2010 09:20:28 GMT

hardworking_mom — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 09:20:28 GMT

Actually children can sense our anger/displeasure easily but as to whether they understood the cause is hard to know. Recently when ds drove me up the wall, I ignored him. Immediately, he will come and hug me and say ‘sorry’, ‘I love you’. But I don’t want him to think each he only need to say the 2 magical words and case ‘closed’. When I asked him if he knew why I was angry, he shook his head. :x I made sure I explained everything to him, after which asked him again to make sure he understood.

Reply to My son says i dont love him on Tue, 30 Mar 2010 09:08:31 GMT

tree nymph — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 09:08:31 GMT

sleepy:
KoalaMummy:
, my 10yo ds says i don't love him. says i love his 2 younger siblings but not him. i'm so sad. how can i show him i love him, he being my first-born son.

My dd says that often too. I think it's a common sibling rivalry kind of feeling. Doesn't help when her younger sister is the more obedient and hardworking one among the two. She does get her priviledges for being the elder child eg. later bedtime, ice cream treats. However, she still insists I love her younger sister more.

I know she likes honeyed words so I make sure I sweet talk her often to soothe her insecurities. Although it can be rather trying at times when she drives me up the wall. How to sweet talk her when I'm hopping mad? A little displease in my tone of voice would trigger her tantrum and fiery remark. More fierce than me!

I wonder...nowsaday, is mummy expected to be 低声下气 when talking to child? Cannot scold?

sleepy,

my gal also does that to me too. But as she is still very young, going to be 4 this year, she only knows how to tell me:\" I don't want to friend you anymore\". She is in fact jealous of her little brother! But she herself loves her little brother to bits!

I suspect its her character also, she is more sensitive and demanding then her brothers. like nowadays she likes to ask me :\" why you don't smile at me anymore?\" when I'm so mad with her, how to smile to her huh??!!

Reply to My son says i dont love him on Tue, 30 Mar 2010 08:05:03 GMT

Luvkid — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 08:05:03 GMT

DS1 (8 yo) used to say that,\" why i love u, u dun love me\". To me, i am not sad to what he said, because i know deeply i truly loveeeee him :hugs: . Now, as he is much older, he will say,\"i know, u dun love me anymore... \" (when i disapprove him of playing computer game due to incomplete task), i replied him,\" Think about it\". He would finally come back to me and apologise and give me hug & kiss. :love: I hope we can continue the hugs & kisses, or even a pat on his back or touch his head in circular motion (how to describe that huh? :idea: ) when he reaches his teen. He may be taller than me then...

Reply to My son says i dont love him on Tue, 30 Mar 2010 01:28:51 GMT

Jennifer — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 01:28:51 GMT

I told my elder son that we show love by being thoughtful to others’ needs, like cooking his favourite dish, cooking a food in the method he likes even though it means more work for me, collecting his reserved books for him, cleaning up his room, etc.

Sometimes my elder boy was younger and he complained I am no good (becos I refused to give in to his demands), I would tell him flatly to find another mother who gives in all the time. This would always shut him up.

Now, whenever I said this to my younger one, my elder boy would quickly say others’ mothers even worse.

Also I find reminding the children the moral of the story behind Charlie and the Choco Fty very effective. Just look at what happened to the spoilt kids.

Reply to My son says i dont love him on Tue, 30 Mar 2010 01:24:55 GMT

cnimed — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 01:24:55 GMT

My sensitive DS1 says that sometimes too. My response depend on the circumstances. I don’t think we can say it’s always sibling rivalry, or it’s always because we have been harsher or not spending enough time etc. That "You don’t love me" can represent many things - it’s basically a code phrase for - "I’m not happy and you have to find out why."

For DS1, it has, at various time, mean I have to relook an incident and explain to him why he was punished. If I have been overly harsh (let’s face it, sometimes we are tired or have a bad day we will do that), I will apologise and say I"ll try my best to not repeat my mistake. If he is in the wrong, I won’t give way but I’ll discuss with him other ways for him to make amends for his mistake.

There are times when he’s very unreasonable and says he’s unwanted over a tiny tiny thing. :x I will tell him that he’s being very unfair to me and my feelings, and if he persists, I will relate the entire day back to him pointing out all the things that have been done for him or with him in mind. And then ask him again if his view was fair. Sometimes they just lack perspective. Kids mah.

There are times when it simply means he’s having a bad day in school and wants to talk about it. Then it’s just a matter of asking him if something is bothering him and then having a listening ear. This is especially if he’s melting down over small things that don’t make sense. Usually that’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back and his "You don’t love me" just means "I feel so terrible and you should know because you’re my mother."

Reply to My son says i dont love him on Mon, 29 Mar 2010 14:29:34 GMT

smurf — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 14:29:34 GMT

just now brought DS1 out to marketing...went to in law's place and met the maid who wanted to go out supermart also, so we went together. on the way, DS1 told her (the maid) softly, almost whispering, that he dun want me, only want the maid.

the maid is not the caregiver to DS1 (I'm a SAHM) so I dunno why he said that. and we dun meet often, but sometimes DS1 does go over to play for half a day or so. not very often also.
then when we came back, I asked him why just now he said he dun want me, then he replied, '' now I want u. cos sometime u beat me, so I dun want u. next time, if I do notty things, you dun beat me, you just tell me to stop and I'll stop, ok? :roll:

Reply to My son says i dont love him on Mon, 29 Mar 2010 09:33:00 GMT

Andaiz — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 09:33:00 GMT

sleepy:

I wonder...nowsaday, is mummy expected to be 低声下气 when talking to child? Cannot scold?

Sleepy, me thinks its the younger generation now...they tend not to have too much of a thick skin and tend to take things too hard.

KoalaMummy:
my 10yo ds says i don't love him. says i love his 2 younger siblings but not him. i'm so sad. how can i show him i love him, he being my first-born son.

KoalaMummy, my DD1 says that sometimes too. She's coming 8 and is an extremely sensitive child. I do talk to her, spend some one-on-one time with her and generally hear her out. Her gripe (and I do admit guilt to this) is that I'm \"harsh\" on her - i.e., tend to have greater expectations than say the younger ones. It seems like your boy has the same issue.

So now, I'm conscious that if I mett out disciplining measures, it is deemed FAIR - oftentimes we tend to let the younger, \"cuter\" ones get away with things. When the discipline applies to ALL, it gives a sense of fair-ness.

It's truly a learning experience. And for me, it helped to find out her \"love\" language, and the \"mummy time!\". All the best!

Reply to My son says i dont love him on Mon, 29 Mar 2010 09:20:19 GMT

sleepy — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 09:20:19 GMT

KoalaMummy:
, my 10yo ds says i don't love him. says i love his 2 younger siblings but not him. i'm so sad. how can i show him i love him, he being my first-born son.

My dd says that often too. I think it's a common sibling rivalry kind of feeling. Doesn't help when her younger sister is the more obedient and hardworking one among the two. She does get her priviledges for being the elder child eg. later bedtime, ice cream treats. However, she still insists I love her younger sister more.

I know she likes honeyed words so I make sure I sweet talk her often to soothe her insecurities. Although it can be rather trying at times when she drives me up the wall. How to sweet talk her when I'm hopping mad? A little displease in my tone of voice would trigger her tantrum and fiery remark. More fierce than me!

I wonder...nowsaday, is mummy expected to be 低声下气 when talking to child? Cannot scold?

Reply to My son says i dont love him on Mon, 29 Mar 2010 09:15:50 GMT

hquek — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 09:15:50 GMT

KoalaMummy:
last night, my 10yo ds says i don't love him. says i love his 2 younger siblings but not him. i'm so sad. how can i show him i love him, he being my first-born son. :heartbroken:

When DS1 says that, (eg after scolding him), I would tell him straight that if I dun love him, I would not care what happens to him, and whether he want me to show him that.

I make it a point to hold his hands sometimes and talk to him, and tell him that I enjoy being with him ONLY - eg when bringing him to class. He likes having that one on one time with me.

From time to time, I will tell him stories about when he was a baby, and how cute he was; and how special he was (and still is).

Reply to My son says i dont love him on Mon, 29 Mar 2010 09:07:21 GMT

tankee — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 09:07:21 GMT

KoalaMummy:

yes, will try on this. but what to say to him huh? cos 10yo can be quite shy outside (cannot kiss or hug kind). how to have good quality bonding time??

do some activities that your DS likes; just with him.

if he likes ice-cream, bring him to an ice-cream outlet ... and then tell him about all the exictment and anxiety when you were expecting him, and the joy when he was borned, and some of the fun & proud time that you had when he was a toddler ...

Reply to My son says i dont love him on Mon, 29 Mar 2010 09:06:10 GMT

BEST_MAMA — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 09:06:10 GMT

Sad to say that…

My son also ever ask my helper "Why do Mummy & Daddy always scold me?? Is it they don’t love me??"
Wow, I cried when my helper told me this.
So when I think back, YES, we always will neglect the older child… thinking that they are old enough to handle on their own.
The next day, I sit down and have a good talk with my son. And now, my husband and me will be more careful in handling him too.