my mil… dont know much about her…

but when my DH and I were dating… i was rather impressed by her,… independent and capable…primary school education yet run a business

she is the eldest of 10 kids… so she stop school to work to help support family…
married young and had kids young (2 sons… my DH is the younger son) and had always been a housewife looking after her in laws (who are crazy, foul mouth)…children … basically one man kick… or should i say one woman kick…

started to run a business after the kids went to university and army.

now lead her own life… my fil comes back as and when he likes and she simply does her own things…

so no fights and no quarrel between them… she will just show black face with the mistress from china come in during CNY

this is more or less how my bil is advising my DH to handle our current situation… stay away and dont talk dont discuss…ignore… ( to punish me like to punish a kid by putting the kid at a naughty corner and ignore the kid)

strangely enough… my fil offer to help us solve our problems… and he can even assured me that the son he brought up will not be involved in EMA as they have been very open about sex and sex education with his children.

But of course I didn’t take his advise nor his offer. . Coming from someone who strayed. .

re PI... never engaged one because if they do it at restricted zone,,,, pi also cannot enter.... hospital got a lot of restricted access area


story 1
my DH boss was involved with one of the co-workers and everyone at the hospital can only rumoured but no one can confirm.. :siao:
the 2 of them also go on conferences together with others coworkers .it had been going on for a few years...
then one dec, the boss moved out of his family home citing problems with the wife ( wife is wacko)... then in jan the coworker announced she was pregnant.. and the baby boy arrived in jul... (errr.. no .. not arrive early.. the baby arrive on his EDD).. so......... :itwasntme:
his boss is in his mid 40s... and the coworker mid 30s,,, and boss has 2 daughters... in uni and JC.. and both from raffles...

story 2..
the woman involved with my DH in his affair 1, i mentioned she was 2 timing,,, in fact she was also involved with another married co worker.... but after i confronted her,,, she could only seek solace in the other co worker.
in the end, the co worker,,, divorce his wife..(he has 2 kids) and openly dated the woman,,,

story 3
his coworker was involved with another coworker,,,, wife found out,,, went to hospital to slap the other coworker...the slut has the cheek to tell the wife that she is certain the husband will divorce the wife to be with her
anyway.. in the end still end up divorce,, and they are at their final stage of divorce now,,, ( also 2 kids)

Hi Insider,


still consider we are 有缘人. was afraid that you might not be active anymore.

1. I am in fact having doubts as DH continued to deny having affairs. After the first alleged affair, he claimed i have OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder with cleanliness) and that i am mad. Good thing the psychiatrist he insisted that i see didn’t think I was. After the violence, when he finally 清醒, he claimed that the coworker was mad and because her mum is good friend with the Big Boss at work, so she was spoilt and very 霸道 and that she was lying. He questioned that why didnt she admit to another one else at work except me. anyway she was 2 timing then, with my DH and another coworker and she finally broke up the family( 2 kids) of the other guy whom she was also having affair with. (they got close after i confronted her and 撕破脸 and she scare i beat her up).

for the 2nd episode, she is a married woman and he claimed they were just friends.
he also claimed that i have bipolar disorder which again the Psychiatrist didn’t think so.

for the 3rd episode, he claimed she is ugly and Malaysian ( no offence to Malaysians) and so 老土, not his type. this time claimed that i want to be in control of everything and that i am bored hence 没事找事.

and it is because i do not have 捉姦在床 evidence, he continued to deny and blame that i am breaking up the family. i know he will continue to lie as long as there is no concrete evidence ( like he denied that the co worker was in his car the first 2 times i asked until i told him i saw her in his car). i have doubts because if it is only my suspicions and brought misery to my sons… then it will be my 无明 and cause the family to be 四分五裂. hence i need an outsider who is more objective to analyse that in your opinion if there is a real affair or not…

2. you guess is right,
a) his dad had multiples affairs and during his teenage years, his dad even brought home the 小三 to let her 养胎. but my mil didnt divorce my fil, 小三 left with the baby after giving birth, so my DH has a step sister somewhere.
even till now… my fil still have a 小三 in China (my fil went to china to establish his business in the 80s). the dad never formally introduce the 小三 to us… but the past few years she had been visiting us during CNY and called my mil 大姐)
b) DH was always beaten by his mum when he was younger so much so… DH’s aunt got to carry DH and run away saying "不要打了, 不要打了"… this my DH had mentioned many many many times
c) as for my mil, she used to say… when she was looking after the family, she one man kick, look after the 2 in laws, the 2 young children and still do all the housework and cooking… (she was talking about the quality of maids… as i keep getting lousy maids and even having 2 maids at a time also got problems)
d) when DH was in the army, he had a GF, the GF cheated on him twice - was seen kissing another guy by his buddy.
e) my mil also condoned him lying - DH would boast that my mil is so cool… (he would lie that bus broke down everyday when he got home late yet my mil would be cool about it and believed him, that she once caught his friend and him drinking and asked if they were drinking, he would reply, " no we are not drinking", and my mil will simply reply "dont drink too much" and leave his room to let them continue drinking).

so your 事出必有因, is most accurate.

3. DH also recognized that he is successful now because of the sacrifices i made and the support i gave him (i gave up my job twice for him - quit my job to move overseas and quit my job to come back) that he was able to further his training, do his PhD and advise from me regarding his job so that he can get to where he is now.

4. since i did not pass the 仁 test now… maybe due to my 无明 or me cannot 放下 and it will be tested again on my son, so should i do something to prevent that happening to my son… like work at changing him… or changing me? like being more understanding and more calm to 化解 this crisis or improve my 无明?

5. should i drop the police case? because it can be jail term if he is convicted and that is destroying him and my children’s dad. (actually i offered some terms to cancel the police report, 30k and an apology as i want him to recognize that he is actually causing harm and hurt to me ,… he had rejected the offer)… i look at it as he is not sincere and would not be 浪子回头… hence i proceed with the divorce

6. he is also actively seeking god during these time…but some how…

7. but at the same time, he is also building his defense…and launching his attack… cancelling all supplementary credit cards… closing all joint accounts… transferring all money into his personal accounts…changing passwords to all accounts… and refused to return home despite the children’s plead or return home when he feels like it,… but on days when he does not feel like it… he would say there is a police case pending… so that is why he cannot come home.

8. he also have problem with drinking… need to drink everyday,like he would say " woohoo,… i am dry for 3 days out of the 15 days since beginning of 2013", now he is trying to stay dry 1 day a week… but i think he is not very successful.

PS. yes. again you guess is right… i am 1 year older than my DH

PS2. how do you define enough? i look at the initial deposit we put in to purchase our current flat… his portion is 23%… even looking at the payslip when we return to Singapore, his pay was 30-40% of the total family income.

because i stopped work 2 years ago and all the assets have already been acquired… so the past 2 years are just cash accumulation stage, and when i took some money for 以防万一 due to divorce… he claimed i was stealing his money - but my lawyer said the money i have taken will be considered as part of the assets that will be divided. i have non job now… so i need to plan so that my kids will not suffer with me or like your staff’s teenagers… go to daddy because daddy can satisfy their material needs…

so i am also a little 不甘心, only can 吃苦, cannot 享福 together…like after 14 years… he has finally arrived… but the marriage is over.

i also need to make sure i can provide enough for my kids so they dont suffer with me due to the divorce

I suspect my DH of having affair. Not sure if sexual but the evidences (emails and skype messages) I have led me to conclude he was having affair - at least emotional affair.


His first alleged affairs: 2007
My DH used to want my son and myself to sit and wait around for him to have little break while he was on night or weekend duties. We can wait for hours just to see him for 20 minutes. These arrangements began when were dating. He was a junior doctor in training hence spend a lot of hours in hospital. He then became very close to one of his junior coworker that he even told me not to visit him at the hospital when he was on duty. His coworker also admitted to me that there was something between them when o rang her.
Evidences I found are:
1. They requested to do all their night and weekend duties together.
2. He arranged to attend a course with her on 1 occasion and told me to take public transport to.work by myself ( he usually send me to work)
3. He called her daily while he was on a conference in a beautiful island (Aruba similar to Hawaii) claiming that we were not communicating. One of the calls he made to her.wad after a 51 minutes conversation with me.
4. Her name was saved as "goddess" on his phone. He claimed it was his coworker playing a childish prank.
5. On the morning of one of he upcoming night duty, he smsed her at 8.27 am to ask her what is for dinner and that was the night I offered to bring dinner to him but was flatly rejected with "no, I am busy".
6. He shared with his co worker we were not having sex.
7. He told the coworker we were not on talking terms.
8. I found loads of condoms in his office.
9. I found a packet of cigarette in his office which he told me belong to that coworker.
10. Use the term "din din" with her to mean dinner - a term I created for my son as it was cute cute.
11. When asked to come office to clarify that there was nothing going on between them, she walked into his office as if the office room belong to her, make herself comfortable and sat on the reclining chair I bought for my DH. She also passed remarks like "how can you allow your wife to treat you like that" to my DH and "it is unfortunate DH had a wife like you" to me.
When I confronted him about the affair, he turned violent and of course I retaliated and we both end up with bruises and marks.

His second alleged affair: 2010
Again it involved a junior coworker. How I found out about them was I had cancelled a drinks session with my coworkers at the last moment (dont know why, maybe divine intervention) and was driving home slowly as my DH told me he was going to a all male drinking session. I saw my DH driving out (with a female in his car) when I was turning into the road leading to my place. I immediately called him and asked him who was he with…his reply was he was alone. I asked again a second time to which he replied " I am not playing your game, I am alone). I got agitated and asked him a third time before he admitted that it was his junior coworker.
Evidences I found:
1. He claimed to be waiting for me to finish work and arrange for quick group drinks - I found out later that it was a group of 3 and one of them couldn’t make it… leaving just the 2 of them
2. They request for their night and weekends duties to be together.
3. They go for coffee break everyday.
4. he asked her for her opinion on which car he should buy.
5. They were out drinking my DH left at 9pm… and she rang his mobile phone at 12.30am follow by a massage to say she had lost her wallet. My DH was fast asleep and I didnt think much of it then.
6. He whatsapped her and gave her live update of our family champagne buffet lunch at prego while she was on weekend duties. She is more.junior so had to do more night and weekend duties
7. He gave her live update when we were out drinking with my coworkers.
8. He asked her which room she was sleeping in on one of the night duties - at 1.32am.
9. He had arranged for us to go out drinking together with the group ( to show that they are drinking in group). But during the 3 occasions I had noticed that they are chatting with each other whole night with their shoulder touching shoulder and leg touching leg. I had even tried to move them so they do not sit next to each other but they will both move and end up sitting next to each other again.
10. Condoms were found in his night duties toiletries bag.
Again he denied having affair and turn violent. He will then sweet talk and make promises that he will behave and not go drinking with his coworkers again. Things just move on with me suspecting him everyday.

His third alleged affair: 2013
This again involved his junior- but PhD student. So a professor and a student relationship.
What triggers the probe was I saw an email reply from her to him ( a formal hospital communications to remind them of the deadline of abstract submission which was to be disseminated to people not on hospital email.) She replied with a "So?"
So I started searching for evidence, I found
1. He had gone on a conference with her in this march and had kept photos he had taken of her in his laptop. Her cleavage shots, her jumping with hands and legs spread apart in the middle of the Spanish streets
2. She had used his credit card to purchase the air ticket without my DH’s approval.
3. She had requested for my DH to "talk" to the other supervisor to allow her to go to that conference.
4. They have been exchanging mp3 songs late in the night when he claimed he needed to work instead of sleeping
5. In our 12 years of marriage, the one live concert we attended out of the blue, she was there with her BF, by the singer they had been exchanging mp3 files through Skype.
6. She had said in Skype "still send songs, go and deliver" when he was called for and delivery.
7. They also shared their sleeping arrangement preference while on conference and at home.
8. He had bought the wrong size clothing for my younger son during that trip with her. He bought 3-4 year old clothing when my son was already 5…and he had been the main shopper for kids clothing since he is the one travelling
Like the previous alleged affairs, he turned violent when I confronted him and I end with bruises and cuts. Of course I retaliated, so he had bruises and cuts and bite marks to show.

The first 2 affairs happened when I was working. I had chosen to stop work, I was making 250-300k then. Part reason because I was too busy with work hence DH got time to go drinking with others and part reason my son needed help with his psle. The last alleged affair was after I was out of work for 2 years. I had always been making more than him, banking (trader) and he was doctor in training hence less pay. It was only in the 2 years that he is beginning to make more…and make more than me (I stopped work).

Things had turned so bad now that we are
1. in the process of divorce but he is avoiding the courts clerk who is trying to serve him the writ of divorce.
2. I have a pending police case against him (he sped off while I was hanging onto the car door and nearlu slamming me into the wall)
3. He had moved out of the matrimonial home for the past 3 months
4. He mocks about the counselling session with his hypocritical Christian brother support group
5. He thinks I am playing games.
6. He had cancelled all the supplementary cards
7. He closed all the joint account after I took 1/2 of the money from the joint accounts claiming I stole his money.
8. I found condoms in his travel toiletries bag to which he claimed was put in by me.
9. He claimed I am too free hence make such accusations of him having affair and that I should go back to work.

Before I 摊牌, ,DH and DS 1 and 2 are all happy. But i am not happy. We have good household income. So I had to decide if I 摊牌, I will have to go back to work and my kids are not happy. But I chose to 摊牌。 now i have no access to any of the money. 2 kids are not happy. He claimed I am mad, not forgiving and hence cannot move forward. He has the phobia that I keep 私房钱. I don’t intend to look for job yet as it will affect my claim on maintenance.

My questions:

1. Do you think he is having affair? He denied and claimed I am deluded and too free and hence imagine things. But the physical abuse is real.
2. Is this my own doing due to my 无明。that I lack 仁 that I brought myself to such a situation that I not forgiving and cannot 放下。
I am interested to know your analysis of my case