All About Bullying

[Chenonceau]

deminc:

I think when we teach children that bullying is wrong, we must also show them with our actions that bullying is wrong. This means stepping in appropriately when we see others being bullied. If we step in with the acknowledgement that both parties are children and we simply do not want anyone to get hurt, I think other parents will not be so offended. It will be much worse if one child is beaten up and end up in hospital.


I also don't believe in being a sitting duck. I don't tell my son he cannot fight back, but I tell him he can and SHOULD defend himself, but he should never be the one to start the fight, and he should not attack. I also tell him that physical force is the last resort, and the best is to use words, or seek an adult's help.

DS1 was \"bullied\" in preschool, poked in the eyes and ears, and it went on for a few weeks without anyone knowing until I saw bleeding scratch marks on him. Both parties were so young, I really didn't blame the other boy. It did leave a psychological scar and ds1 had nightmares and started hitting his younger brother. So we had to handle that one with a lot of role-modelling and sent him for TKD to boost his confidence.

Recently he was bullied again by a much older boy. He was grabbed by the neck and pushed to the floor of the bus. I could tell something was wrong when the bus arrived because there was a deadly silence instead of the usual singing and shouting. He cried and cried after the bus dropped him off and didn't walk home by himself. I had to go and fetch him and calm him down. What saved the day was an older bus mate who looked for him the next day and took him to lodge a complaint. DS1 said proudly,\"Can you imagine mum? SEVEN of us walking round the school looking for Mr xxx?\" He felt the camaraderie and support from the older boys and the issue was handled well without any physical punishment or shaming. DS1 even told me,\"He (the boy who had grabbed his neck) is actually quite a nice boy!\" and that they all sang together on the way home. I think if the school had been harsher, it would have prevented the children from making up.

DH and I are of course grateful to the older boy who took the initiative to put things right. We tell DS1 that just as this boy had looked out for him, he must also look out for those younger and weaker than him.

Thank you for sharing. This almost made me cry. Especially the part where your son was too distraught to go home by himself and he cried and cried and cried.

I think you handled it well. Whilst I am normally very well-controlled when I myself meet with bullies (because I have learnt to handle them), my blood pressure goes way up and I start to hyperventilate when it's my kids or my husband who gets the nastiness from nasty people.

I still bear a grudge towards the girl who was commended in class for an essay that she copied almost word for word from my daughter. Luckily, my daughter handled it well. My hair stands when I see the bully who terrorised my son in P3.

I know it would've been wrong but if I were you, I would've made a few calls and complained. I would have arranged to see the parents of the boy. I would have completely lost it to see my son so hurt that he could not even walk home. Maybe.... even though I know there is a smarter way to handle it.

[Nebbermind]

perhaps it's coz everyone here have diff experience and tolerance and so we will not be able to agree on everything.


Eg, my own experience tells me that boys are very rough and reckless. They can be playing and then a shove here, a swing there --> bruise on the face, nose bloodied. They usually managed to sort it out somehow...few days later they will be best of friends again. Someone ever mentioned....sometimes this boys looked like they r fighting, but in fact they r just fooling around....just that they r very rough. :evil:

Of course, it's really up to your comfort zone.

BTW, even name-calling can be bullying....just have to teach your child how to handle it....after all, chillun will be chillun...I've gone thru all that....did u not??

[nissin]

insider:

My P2 son’s teacher called me about two weeks back, telling me that he bullied a girl with another Boy X till the girl cried and that I should counsel him to stop the bullying.


The teacher called me in front of my P2 son.

That day after he was back home, he was more quiet than usual (usually he will have a bright “Hey Mom, I am home!” when he sees me after returning home). I smiled at him.

He went for his shower and then we all sat together for dinner.

I asked him casually why Ms XXX was so upset that she had to call me.

He told me that Boy X teased Girl A and Boy B that they were ‘boyfriend /
girlfriend’. Girl A was not happy and kept asking Boy X to stop. My son
said he KNOWS Boy B likes Girl A and therefore he also joined in the fun of
teasing Girl A. Finally, Girl A broke down and cried.

I asked him whether he was having fun teasing Girl A.

He replied positive.

I asked him again whether Girl A was having the same fun as him.

He replied negative.

So, I told him if you are with someone and you are having fun but that someone is suffering, that will constitute a bully. I taught him a new idiom of 不可以把自己的快乐建筑在别人的痛苦上。

I reminded him to hold this in mind and that if he sees another person is having fun while the third person is suffering, that is a bullying situation and he should never join in.

I recalled the article with him that we once shared together of a puppy got thrown against the wall and bleeding while the culprit was having fun.

I asked him what he thought of that man.

He answered, “He’s cruel and sick.”

I reinforced again that hurting someone while self is having fun is definitely a cruel and sick behaviour…

If all the parents think and guide their kids like you do, the world will be so much a better plc for everyone.
I feel that most parents don't seem to bother so much about moral values as long as their kids are the \"bully\" and not the \"being bullied\".
I have a close friend who said to me before that so long as his boy is not the one being bullied, she does not care if he is a bully (her boy is a famous bully in his child care and she's proud about it)! :stupid:

[smurf]

my p1 boy told me that his friend said vulgar words to him. I dun think he even know what the words mean. does that constitute to bullying?


I asked him if he reports to the school, he said NO. I was thinkng, if my boy didnt report this matter to the school wouldnt the boy goes around ‘scolding’ people and not knowing that wht he did was wrong? and if my boy reports him to school, will this boy take revenge??

[sleepy]

A boy classmate called my dd ‘fat-so’. Another of dd’s classmate overheard and immediately retorted ‘thin-long’ to that boy.

Names calling continued for a few weeks but stopped eventually. That boy finally got the message he shouldn’t be teasing my dd.

I guess in situation like this, it helps to have righteous friends to stand up for you. Bullies generally picks on loners.

[auntieM]

Sly bully with parents in denial another big headache too.. ..

There is this boy in my DS's enrichment class that bullies.. ..and scream away loudly before the victims can cry or complain..
Everyweek he repeats his dirty tricks... hit others, plot stuff so others get injured when they fall over... .etc.. He gets away everytime cause he will turn the story around..
He is my DS's classmate for now.. Last week at PE he asked my boy: \"Your cartwheel is improving huh.. ..just don't forget I'm queuing right behind you okay..\"..I really blood boil de :mad:
To me he's a really sicko bully I want my DS to stay far far away from..

[Enbin]

Call in police to the school. Even police is not going to take any action but he kowns that what he did is wrong and police presence is a good warning to the bully not to fool around.

[Snow Crystal]

deminc:

Recently he was bullied again by a much older boy. He was grabbed by the neck and pushed to the floor of the bus. I could tell something was wrong when the bus arrived because there was a deadly silence instead of the usual singing and shouting. He cried and cried after the bus dropped him off and didn't walk home by himself. I had to go and fetch him and calm him down.

What did the school bus uncle do in this case? He's not aware or chose to ignore and drive away? A lot of big bullies attack and sprout vulgarities in school buses bcos there's no teacher around to supervise :rant: So far the bullies my DS encounter are mainly senior bus mates. Must teach our DS how to handle the situation and stand up. Most bullies target the very young or timid or small sized type Parents, please don't undermine school bus bullying or brush aside your kid's complaints. They may be genuinely crying for your help :gloomy:

[SHMILYLOVE]

Snow Crystal:

deminc:

Recently he was bullied again by a much older boy. He was grabbed by the neck and pushed to the floor of the bus. I could tell something was wrong when the bus arrived because there was a deadly silence instead of the usual singing and shouting. He cried and cried after the bus dropped him off and didn't walk home by himself. I had to go and fetch him and calm him down.

What did the school bus uncle do in this case? He's not aware or chose to ignore and drive away? A lot of big bullies attack and sprout vulgarities in school buses bcos there's no teacher around to supervise :rant: So far the bullies my DS encounter are mainly senior bus mates. Must teach our DS how to handle the situation and stand up. Most bullies target the very young or timid or small sized type Parents, please don't undermine school bus bullying or brush aside your kid's complaints. They may be genuinely crying for your help :gloomy:

Hi parents,

Yes i do agree. Pls do not brush aside your child's complaints about bullies... they may grow up being traumatised... there should be proper education of the children as to how to handle bullies. Usually the bigger sized children bully others because they themselves feel insecure and feel the need to extend their 'power' to the weak ones..

[cnimed]

Snow Crystal:

What did the school bus uncle do in this case? He's not aware or chose to ignore and drive away? A lot of big bullies attack and sprout vulgarities in school buses bcos there's no teacher around to supervise :rant: So far the bullies my DS encounter are mainly senior bus mates. Must teach our DS how to handle the situation and stand up. Most bullies target the very young or timid or small sized type Parents, please don't undermine school bus bullying or brush aside your kid's complaints. They may be genuinely crying for your help :gloomy:

The bus uncle didn't do anything. He's a grumpy harrassed elderly man and I think all he can do is keep his sanity and concentrate on the road. He just have two eyes glued on the road and drives grimly on and personally I think that is really all he can do. I don't expect more and I prefer he concentrates on road safety (very hard with a busload of very loud children).

We should definitely guide our children on what to do with bullies, and intervene discretely as required. But I do think it's equally important to not over-react (at least not in front of the kids, haha. I may be going goggle-eyed inside), because we may not understand the situation fully.

I often wonder what it is that can make one person react to a bad event calmly, while another can be completely shattered. What gives people like Natascha Kampusch and Jaycee Lee Dugard their resilience while many others would have allowed the events to destroy their lives. I realise it's the word \"allow\". Horrible though some things can be, our individual response is the thing that is within our control. I want my children to have that resilience and ability to reframe negative events in a positive way. (And I am in no way putting a bus bully on the same league as a child kidnapper).

In our day to day, most children are guided by our response. I treat bullying as something that is wrong, but also something that does happen everywhere in different forms. I do this because I do not want my children to have a victim-mentality. It's not a \"poor me, they always pick on me,\" but rather, that there are people like these for various reasons, and this is how we handle them. I go through scenarios with ds and we discuss appropriate responses. If the situation persists, he will THEN bring it to his teacher. I will usually send a discrete email to the teacher as well. There are some incidents when he will tell me that it's ok, no need to tell teacher, I can handle it. I also make an effort to know his classmates and busmates, or at least, they know my face. As the saying goes, \"da gou ye yao kan zhu ren\". Conversely if my son misbehaves, they will bring their complaints to me.

I also do not tell my children that anger is wrong. I believe that when you make anger unacceptable, the alternative is helplessness. We can learn to manage and harness anger, or channel it into action, but helplessness is debilitating emotionally and mentally.

This particular incident crossed the line of acceptability, and I explained to ds why - because the boy was much older than him, and the boy had grabbed his neck and pushed him down. He has a cut on his shoulder to show for it. I told him to tell his teacher the very next day but I'm glad to know that the other boys in the bus felt the same way as I did. There is a natural sense of righteousness even among children. In the end, the incident reinforced this sense of what is right and ds1 is very cheered by the camaraderie. In fact I think the entire incident bolstered his confidence and gave him something to chew upon. The fact that it was his peers who made the stand, rather than Mummy knocking on the office door, made it all the more significant to both him, and the boy who grabbed him. I took the opportunity to also point out who are good friends, and that this is an example of a good brave friend who knows right from wrong. (I'm starting early on how to tell good friends from bad ones.) I also wrote an email to commend the older boy and the teacher will relay that to his class teacher. We should always blurb the good things loud and clear.

The new boy definitely leaves him alone now that he knows so many eyes are on him, in and out of the bus.

I would like to add that my son is not a shy wallflower. He is very sociable and outspoken and mingles easily with older children. For a shyer child, a parent may need to be more proactive. But this proactivity should not be just dealing with the bullying incident at hand, but also include encouraging the child to have circles of friends, to identify figures of authorities they trust and feel comfortable with, and also taking measure to bolster confidence like joining a self-defence class. Some children are very shy, and the parents should actively help the child to identify and make friends by getting to know classmates, drawing the children together with activities and snacks, pointing out similarities and suggesting topics for discussion. Do this consistently for a period of time until the kids are comfortable with one another. They don't need to have many friends, just one or two good friends can make a difference. A lone sheep is always more vulnerable and we can't possibly follow them everywhere.