I am curious if Fireflyserene manage to get help for her husband? I am having the same experience though hubby don’t go out to drink every night and not come home but over the years he did go out at night and come home only next morning, usually on Friday or Saturday night. he does not agreed or admit he is alcoholic or having high dependency on alcohol.

I am new to Kiasuparents.com. stumble upon it when i was googling or alcoholic related topics. i noted in this forum apart from drinking husband, this topic has generated a lot of response which i also can relate to!


It’s sad to see so many wives suffering the same fate. Are there any daddies here? I do believe whatever problem be it alcohol or abusive spouse, man can also be the victim. i know a man who got bashed up by his wife on a regular basis and he actually live with it!

Back to this cold war issue, i wasn’t a cold war person because i am talkative and usually expressive of my feelings but my hubby is the opposite. 9 years into the marriage, this cold war thing was started by him though he doesnt call it cold war, he said he needs time to cool off. Cool off period for him range between minimum 1 day to as long as a week. This happen in the first few years of marriage. Eventually i gave up trying to talk to him or ask him what is wrong.

First 3-4 years i kept asking the same question over & over again, what is wrong, can we talk about it? It affected me and i always take MC or leave because i was too distraught to go to work. i kept on asking myself the same question thousands of time why is he not speaking to me? Gradually i also dont bother to ask especially after my children came about because the focus now shifted to my kids.

Things did gets better sometimes but it also deteriorates quite fast, mainly because i got upset with his drinking binge and he also hardly spend time with the kids. It’s not like he goes out a lot except to the coffee shop downstairs for his beer but he will do this like 3-4 times on weekends. So he will rotate between home & coffee shop. It’s like now u see him, now u don’t. if he has more than a few bottles, by 9pm+ on Saturday, he most probably dozed off on the sofa.

He has never bring the kids to the playground unless it is a school field trip so probably out of my son 6 years life, he brought him 2-3 times! He hardly plan anythign for the kids on weekends, i do the planning and ask him to go but if it is anything outdoor, it is unlikely he want to go. on sunday he only likes to bring us to shopping mall, eat and go home so he can go to coffee shop again!

We tried counselling but i felt very tired & exhausted so if we quarrel or has a disagreement, i just gave up explaining and kept quiet. Now i am trying to be detached, not that i want to wedge a cold war, detach because that is the last resort to make him realised if he doesnt do something about his drinking, he has so much more to loose.

I don’t think it is healthy at all to live under 1 roof with your spouse & not talk or share anything together. if there is no love, concern or passion it is better to go our own way. i dont know how this ‘detachment’ thing is going to affect my children but i am trying to stick to it and put a time frame because if he doesnt realised then it’s time to move on. Like lingg has mentioned that her mum said if u want to get upset, ask yourself what this is going to do to u in 20 years, well i am asking myself in 20 years time, my children are grown up, do i have a life with someone who embraces the bottle more than me?

I was googling everything about alcoholism to codependency. I came across this forum and my heartache to see that so many women out there share the same fate as me.


I am married for 9 years now with 2 kids, 4 and 6. My problem is very much similar. My HB goest to the coffee shop to drink at least 1 bottle every evening before he comes home, he never sits down with us for dinner. On Friday night, he want to be let loose so he can go drink and destress, that’s what he said. It is so common for them to use stress as an excuse to go get drunk. Over the 9 years, intermittently he has gone out at night and come home only next morning.

First few years, i fought with him all the time then when the kids came i tried not to do that in order not to upset my children. he did stopped for a few years where he just go coffee shop daily for his drink but usually he is home by midnight then 4 years back, he started all over again. And he always made me feel guilty for fighting with him like i am such a control freak and not allowing him to have some space and time for himself and his buddy.

I also encountered some hotel charges to his credit card and he claimed he paid for his friend but he himself was only home the next morning! Infidelity, i dont even want to think of it and i was prepared to forgive him.

But last year i tried to divorce him which he objected and asked us to go for counselling, because i still love him and also the kids are at stake, i agreed and dropped the divorce proceedings.

We did went for counselling, there were some slight improvements but never lasted. He learn to be apologetic if on Fri he overshot and only come hom like 3-4 am but to me it is still unacceptable and i am also losing sleep cos i cant sleep whenever he goes drinking. And on Saturday, he is a like a piece of Sxxx lying on the sofa, sleeping till 3-4pm!, wakes ups, go coffee shop again. he didnt do anything with the kids and he used to promise me every Sunday we will go church, well it did happen for a few months and still doesnt last.

From my counselling, i have also learned that he is an alcohold dependent and he is a functioning one so he is very unlikely to admit he has drinking problem. As long as he does not admit it, it will be very hard to change anything and i probably have to live with it.

But on Mon, i had a 1-to-1 session with our counsellor and it is obvious his drinking is affecting our marriage and i am building up resentment on him so now the counsellor suggestion is for me to learn to detach myself and not care for him, hopefully by doing so it will jolt him to realised that he has so much more to loose.

I just want to share with all of you my thoughts. I dont think we should live with it because if you are experiencing the same thing as me, you probably feel angry and resented your husband. u felt like u deserve better than this. The only thing that pains me is if in time to come, this detachment does not make him realise and he continue to drink then i need to make a decision. i dont want to live the rest of my love not being able to have a complete family life for my kids, having to worry for his health and job and feeling neglected as there is no passion or concern in our marriage because he only has this much time for a demanding job, drink & sleep!!![