Husband drinks & stays out late - Does yours?
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It is always very frustrating when I read about irresponsible spouse.... :mad: :mad:
Pity if it involves children....
How I wish there is a Centre to place all these irresponsible spouse... :rant:
You know when parents cannot control their kids...they will ask the Court to
put their Children into Homes....for discipline..... :please:
So it will be good the Government to setup a Centre to Help these irresponsible spouse....put in under law ..like corrective works order.... -
My best advice to those are :
1) there is no more love between the couple but rather a chore or duty that both party just have to perform their role as parents ie if the man is still suporting the family and wife taking care of the kids.
2) Many older generations parents have gone through worst hardship than the above situation with actual "mistress"living together under 1 household or outside the 2nd home. it is a norm in those days, where man support the wife and kids. But now with better educations and work, it is not to say women are more assertive but less "tolerant". it is a choice either live with it or move out.
3) What is priority- self or kid first. if kid come first, accept the "fact"the present and who knows maybe the man might change after years of such "lifestyle". surely age will catch up and realise family is important . in short, give some allowance for"ërror" no point bugging or nagging, if it works such thing will not happen.
4) Make sure financial commitment from the man is mandatory- otherwise the woman would pick up the mess if the man just leave like that. in short, housing , school fee and misc expense are fulfilled.
5) If the man "heart"is not with u, what is the point of changing him. The answer is dont change accept it that this is part of life experience (good or bad).
6) do your ""job"as a mother or wife- and dont complain unless u have a plan B.
7) accept life is never smooth sailing there is up and down, which could be a down cycle. only time will tell
stop crying and think how to "survive" for the family and kids- what is more important now n the future.
9) late night- take it as this part of the job function - maybe networking and this events will wear out his health sooner or later. be patient.
10) man fooling around is not big deal, just to satisfy his ego and so long woman is not brought home to share bed with u. he can have all his fun outside is fine, so long he does not neglect his function as father and husband.
11) if the man is no longer interested in u, be patient- expand your social circle or network or to meet more people as to keep yourself busy.
12) woman "problem" is they think too much, imaginary or worst case scenario which will become "self prohesy" if confronting or quarrelling which will irritate him.
13) a smart woman should be quiet and let it be- as u know all social circle friend are "butterfly" ie they will leave him if he cannot keep up with those activities or get burned out. trust me, most will burn out.
14) engage in social work or activities or whatever hobby like swimining or reading or anything to keep going during this down cycle.
15) have a life objective- thing that u might want to achieve to complete your life cycle before one hits old age.
16) attend church or whatever religious activites as there are older people who may have gone through worse situation than u to strengthen your mental mode.
these are the advice for those who are experiencing husband drink and stay out. please remember do not nag or confront if you do not have plan B. let it be- his health will deteriorate or get burn out sooner than later than u expect. maybe too much male hormone in his gene- that u may not meet his need or expectation for sex. Most KTV have gone some "services" which is not a surprise 4.00 am or next morning or overnight. just let it be. he will get sick of it when his fun or merry making is over. -
happydl:
Sorry to hear about this. Time to get rid of this loser.Your hubby is an asshole like mine.
For the past 16 years of our marriage, he keeps saying he will change but will didn't. -
3Boys:
Dear happydl,
Sorry to hear about this. Time to get rid of this loser.happydl:
Your hubby is an asshole like mine.
For the past 16 years of our marriage, he keeps saying he will change but will didn't.
so so sad to hear your story. I think you have given him enough chances to save the marriage. Take care of yourself and your kids. You've got to start loving yourself and taking care of yourself before you are driven mad.
Be strong. :grphug: Your kids still need you. -
I was googling everything about alcoholism to codependency. I came across this forum and my heartache to see that so many women out there share the same fate as me.
I am married for 9 years now with 2 kids, 4 and 6. My problem is very much similar. My HB goest to the coffee shop to drink at least 1 bottle every evening before he comes home, he never sits down with us for dinner. On Friday night, he want to be let loose so he can go drink and destress, that’s what he said. It is so common for them to use stress as an excuse to go get drunk. Over the 9 years, intermittently he has gone out at night and come home only next morning.
First few years, i fought with him all the time then when the kids came i tried not to do that in order not to upset my children. he did stopped for a few years where he just go coffee shop daily for his drink but usually he is home by midnight then 4 years back, he started all over again. And he always made me feel guilty for fighting with him like i am such a control freak and not allowing him to have some space and time for himself and his buddy.
I also encountered some hotel charges to his credit card and he claimed he paid for his friend but he himself was only home the next morning! Infidelity, i dont even want to think of it and i was prepared to forgive him.
But last year i tried to divorce him which he objected and asked us to go for counselling, because i still love him and also the kids are at stake, i agreed and dropped the divorce proceedings.
We did went for counselling, there were some slight improvements but never lasted. He learn to be apologetic if on Fri he overshot and only come hom like 3-4 am but to me it is still unacceptable and i am also losing sleep cos i cant sleep whenever he goes drinking. And on Saturday, he is a like a piece of Sxxx lying on the sofa, sleeping till 3-4pm!, wakes ups, go coffee shop again. he didnt do anything with the kids and he used to promise me every Sunday we will go church, well it did happen for a few months and still doesnt last.
From my counselling, i have also learned that he is an alcohold dependent and he is a functioning one so he is very unlikely to admit he has drinking problem. As long as he does not admit it, it will be very hard to change anything and i probably have to live with it.
But on Mon, i had a 1-to-1 session with our counsellor and it is obvious his drinking is affecting our marriage and i am building up resentment on him so now the counsellor suggestion is for me to learn to detach myself and not care for him, hopefully by doing so it will jolt him to realised that he has so much more to loose.
I just want to share with all of you my thoughts. I dont think we should live with it because if you are experiencing the same thing as me, you probably feel angry and resented your husband. u felt like u deserve better than this. The only thing that pains me is if in time to come, this detachment does not make him realise and he continue to drink then i need to make a decision. i dont want to live the rest of my love not being able to have a complete family life for my kids, having to worry for his health and job and feeling neglected as there is no passion or concern in our marriage because he only has this much time for a demanding job, drink & sleep!!
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