All About Autism
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tyeogh:
My son is same age as your son. He is in K1 now. His ST suggested send him in speech and drama, just started last week. His teacher always said strong in academic and week in social. I am also thinking about defer him 1 year as he is Nov baby. Sign! A difficult decision.Hi slmkhoo,
You know what? That was the exact same question his principal asked me two weeks ago - why upgrade him when he is happy where he is.
It is a tough question. I don't know the answer and I cannot explain why I am opting such. I guess in spite of all our efforts to accept our child, there is a certain hidden desire that they be normal and we want him to lead that normal life. You were faced with that decision many years ago and made the decision to move your girl forward, which you now regret. I guess I am no different. Perhaps it is the dread of being quizzed by him years later why his peer's NRIC is different (meaning he is older and not so smart so he had to stay back 1 year). Perhaps we parents do not want a enduring stigma on his life.
I don't know the answer. I hear you and the logic behind it. I will probably sleep on this one. Like the many things I have done for this child, there is probably no right or wrong answers - it is a journey of difficult choices. I will consider again and try to hear the small still voice inside to guide me along. Thanks for sharing your experience. It gives me an idea of what to expect.
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Hi! Just want to chip in since the topic revolves around 'upgrading'.
I can understand how tyeogh feels as I was in the same position. However, I listened to my inner voice last year to defer my son despite family members asking me not to do it. I just knew he will not be able to blend into mainstream given his ability to comply and poor social skills last year. So, I ended up 'downgrading' him.
I did not regret my actions. I feel that the extra time he has this year seems to have given him time to 'grow up' a bit more.
I confess I too hope that he outgrows his autism quickly to the extend that I say certain things I should not have to him. Just yesterday, when I was angry, he told me, ''Mummy, I just want to be normal.'' It really broke my heart when I heard that. He must have picked up that line from me.
Like what slmkhoo mentioned about maturity level, I agree with her totally. I can see that my son is quite immatured as compared to his peers. He seems to be lagging behind 2-3 years? So, I thought he will not seem so immature as compared to his peers if I delay his entry to school.
My son seldom plays for a long time with his sisters. Yesterday, he participated in their pretend play and called his sister Mama (because she pretended to be their mother) and followed his 'mama' to school, bus, beach etc. He complied to what his sisters told him to do. It was a very happy moment for me to see him play this game for more than 30 mins before bedtime. I think to others it may be something achievable. To me, it is a big thing. I even had the moments captured on video.
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pinkamoon:
I confess I too hope that he outgrows his autism quickly to the extend that I say certain things I should not have to him. Just yesterday, when I was angry, he told me, ''Mummy, I just want to be normal.'' It really broke my heart when I heard that. He must have picked up that line from me.
One of the hardest things that we parents will have to go through is to accept that autism cannot be outgrown. All we are doing is teaching our kids to cope and improve, but the underlying 'differences' (social skills, physical skills, etc) will always be there. Just as an NT kid who is poor in Maths or tone deaf will continue to be so as an adult, our kids' traits will always be with them. Our job is to find ways for them to live fulfilling lives based on their strengths while coping with their weaknesses. They can learn to appear NT in most cases, but their traits will surface whenever they are faced with something new that is outside their learned skills. My daughter is so 'normal' that she has been in mainstream schools all her life, but even now, little things that my younger child would cope with without even thinking about it will cause her (the older one) a lot of stress and require us to explain to her what other people mean, why they behaved as they did, what her reaction should be, what is likely to happen next etc. This weakness in social understanding is going to be with her all her life even though she will learn to cope with individual situations one by one as she encounters them.
I try never to use the word 'normal' in describing either my NT girl or certain behaviours I want to see in my Asperger's girl. It's too loaded with judgement and comparison. We just say things, 'that's just her way', 'she's so creative/unique/has a different way of viewing the world' etc. When trying to teach her to behave in some way, I explain the desired outcome in terms of how others will react or what they will expect. My daughter seems to have accepted that she is different from most people, but doesn't seem unhappy about it most of the time. -
Niu2009:
My son is a Dec 29 baby............
My son is same age as your son. He is in K1 now. His ST suggested send him in speech and drama, just started last week. His teacher always said strong in academic and week in social. I am also thinking about defer him 1 year as he is Nov baby. Sign! A difficult decision. -
tyeogh:
All the more reason to hold him back a year. Lots of parents of NT kids born in Dec would want to hold their kids back if they were allowed. My daughter is a Jan kid!
My son is a Dec 29 baby............Niu2009:
My son is same age as your son. He is in K1 now. His ST suggested send him in speech and drama, just started last week. His teacher always said strong in academic and week in social. I am also thinking about defer him 1 year as he is Nov baby. Sign! A difficult decision. -
After reading all your posts, I can totally feel you as me too, deep down in my heart, I am also harbouring the hopes that my son will be normal one day or at least he is so good that his traits are not so apparent to others. This is an expectation that I believe all of us are struggling to overcome. Like Tyegoh, I would have also try to upgrade him if he is doing well in the current class, to me, i won’t know if he can make it or not if I don’t even try. If he can’t make it, I guess, then I will be more resigned to accept that he should stay back a year to catch up.
Would also like to seek your opinions on a matter. Every weekend, my son’s kindy will assign them homework and my son will usually have 3 subjects to do, Eng, Maths and Chinese. Last night I realised that his maths book has been in his bag for 3 days and his homework has not been marked. So today, I went to speak to his teacher to ask why she has not called for the maths homework to be submitted. To my dismay, she told me she is training the kids to be independent, they should know they have to hand in their homework by themselves. I was quite surprised to hear that. While I agree is good intention to train them, but they are afterall just K1!, if a kid has not been submitting his homework to you, as a teacher, shouldn’t you be concerned enough to find out why? Of course, I did not say that to her but asked her diplomatically if she tally the books to make sure all kids submit their homework? again, she told me she is trying to train them on listening skills and independence. WTH! Come on, even if a kid is not autistic, I believe there will be some normal 5 year olds who will be clueless on such matters. As a teacher, I see that it is her responsibility to ensure that her students submit their homework so that she can also see how they have been progressing in their work. While as a parent, my responsibility is to make sure my son does his homework. So if she don’t bother to check that, how can she know if her students understand what has been thought, then how can she feedback to parents?
Anyway, I then pulled my son aside, and instruct him to take out his maths book when he goes to class later and give to his teacher. Made him repeat my instruction 3 times.
Do you think I should feedback to the principal? -
I always look forward to sharings by Simkhoo and her wisdom in coping with an older ASD child. :rahrah:
While I somewhat understand the secret desire in hoping our kids outgrow their autism despite knowing how irrational it is, I have a slight advantage compared to you guys in that I don’t know what raising an NT kid is like.
Now that they are 6+ years old and in mainstream pri 1 and Pathlight’s pri 1 foundation respectively, we have totally stopped all forms of therapy like OT or ST. Sure there are the occasional meltdowns and bullying cases but we deal with it like any other KS parent would. I also see a marked improvement in their maturity level this year probably attributed to the combination of growing up and conducive environment. Academically still lagging behind though, trying not be a tiger mum about it.
Double E, one of the learnings is that we have to be extra vigilant or make special arrangements on the homework and school events part because they are unable to tell us. What I do nowadays is to grill my boy and check all their books/bag every day to make sure I don’t miss out on homework. Have also asked the teachers to write down in their daily journals if it’s something that needs more preparation like show and tells. In Pathlight, this is automatic already. Made a huge mistake earlier this year when my boy in mainstream was the only one wearing his uniform while the others wore PE attire on a school trip. Doesn’t seem like a big deal but he had a meltdown that lasted the entire weekend. Heart broke when he said he didn’t want to be ‘special’, only to realize that he didn’t want to be singled out from his peers in any way. Haiz, live and learn.
And nice to see this thread active again. Only been in this forum lately to kay poh this year’s pri 1 registration. :lovesite: -
slmkhoo:
All the more reason to hold him back a year. Lots of parents of NT kids born in Dec would want to hold their kids back if they were allowed. My daughter is a Jan kid![/quote]Mine are Dec babies too...sensing a pattern here.
My son is a Dec 29 baby............tyeogh:
[quote=\"Niu2009\"]
My son is same age as your son. He is in K1 now. His ST suggested send him in speech and drama, just started last week. His teacher always said strong in academic and week in social. I am also thinking about defer him 1 year as he is Nov baby. Sign! A difficult decision. -
Double E, have to do Pavelovian conditioning if the teacher or school isn’t willing to compromise.
This is what I do to his completed homework: If it is in sheet form, put them into transparent folders (the thin kind) labelled with colored subject stickers maybe blue for English, yellow or maths etc. If it is a workbook, fold the page or put a neon post-it on the page so that something sticks out of the book. Then I will keep reminding my boy to pass this folder/book to the subject teacher. He knows he will get a scolding if he forgets. Luckily once a routine is established, they follow very faithfully.
No such problems in Pathlight as the teachers check their bags daily. -
You are right, slmkhoo. As much as parents are told that our children will not outgrow their autism, like what belachanbabe mentioned, this is my hope, my goal, my mission, my direction.
It seems irrational but without this dream of mine, I would not have searched hard for a ‘cure’ and would have accepted the prognosis doctors handed out. My son was a hard nut to crack. Imagine what his diagnosis might have been if I had not delayed his diagnosis till 5 years old after implementing strict dietary interventions that improved his behaviour. I prefer to live in this dream world as it serves as my motivation to help him on his recovery journey.
As for the issue Double E raised about homework, I don’t think giving feedback to principal may resolve this issue if the teacher takes it as a complaint. I think it depends on schools. Some I have met are directors (their own biz), they are keen to hear you out, others who are just employees may not be so accommodating. I think you have to see how receptive they are. Maybe you can put his homework in a clear folder labelled as homework with his name so that he can hand the folder to his teacher and request the teacher to put his homework inside the folder. Just a thought.
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