All About Parenting Teenagers

[ammonite]

anyhowsay1:

Dear Ammonite
what you said about your younger relatives gave me the comfort I needed. Thanks. Didn't know that wayward behaviour can still have saving grace. I have no experience with teenagers as DS is my only child and I am going through this parenting teenager job just as he is going through the turmultous period of adolescence. Sigh!!

doesn't get along well with his school friends in secondary school. Didn't fit. He was from a very good school in primary years but the first blow came when he could not progress to the affiliated secondary school as he couldn.t make the cut. Thereby going downhill as all his close, childhood frens managed to get in and he did not.

I said sadly, because (1) he may not have come home on his own accord which I hoped he would, and (2) the police took down particulars so not sure if it will stick on his record next time if he wants to apply for a job?

anyhowsay1,
(1) I think he felt lost and also unsure of what awaited him should he go home. So definitely hesitant to go home.

(2) No it will not stick on his record when he wants to apply for a job. If you are unsure, you can call and check with them. Believe me, teenagers running away from home is more common than you think. I have three younger relatives who did that. One picked up by police twice, another was found by father, another came home after a few days. Their parents went through a few tough years but now some are parents themselves, sweating over their kids. My DH wryly observed that those who had the \"wildest\" teenagehood are the strictest parents. :rotflmao: He too had some runaway younger relatives. As I said, most of them are quite close to their parents now, take parents out for dinner, holidays etc.

Yours only wandered around in the park for a few hours, not even considered a runaway. And he was still in a somewhat \"uncomplicated\" place - a park. To me, it sounds like he feels lost, confused and discouraged. You will have more trouble if he is spending his time in places where other gangs may recruit him.

Now is a good chance to be hao mama. Since you can see that the problem started when he was separated from his good friends, you have to think of how to help him in this area. Peer connection is really very important at this age. You may want to speak with his teachers, any other close relatives who can spend more time with him, uncles, cousins etc. All our younger relatives' saving grace was the extended family - cousins who kept them in the fold. If you don't have that, consider encouraging him to join a society or uniformed group, something that can become a safe second family. You may even want to take up another hobby with him outside of school - eg ukulele group, scouting, archery group, sea sports etc. It must be something that will allow him to be in a healthy peer group that meets up regularly and develop his strengths in non-academic areas.

If you are open, you can also approach some professionals for parenting help. Some kids just need more work, but when they grow older, they will love you all the more for it.

Jia you!

[ashana]

I ran away from home when I was a kid, twice if I may add.


None of the parents here did something like that when you were young? :roll:

I don't speak for those who ran away from home, but for me it was more of a \"cool\" thing than trying to be rebellious or hating home. Is something foolish I know but how wise can a young kid be? :imcool:

My parents are too cool, they don't see that as run away from home. To them is staying out too late and uninformed. :lol:

anyhowsay1, other than this stay out late episode, is your ds a sensible and responsible kid? Is good thing that he is able to share with you how he spent his time on that day. He being taken home by police does not mean anything outrageous. It just so happened that he is very young and being seen alone at night in the park. It is not unusual for police officers to do that, so don't worry. It won't hinder his prospects, confirmed, chopped and guaranteed.

If your ds has been a sensible and responsible kid, he staying out late may just be his ways to handle his own emotions. It is not right but it doesn't really translate to \"Notorious Behavior\", \"Problematic Kid\", \"Rebellious\", \"hated home\", \"warped personality\"...etc. I can't suggest what is the best thing to do because I don't know your kid but I hope you can see the possibility that is not entirely :lightrod: kind of behavior.

[stacey_1805]

Great source of resources!

[stacey_1805]

Great source of resources!

[anyhowsay1]

ashana:

I ran away from home when I was a kid, twice if I may add.


None of the parents here did something like that when you were young? :roll:

I don't speak for those who ran away from home, but for me it was more of a \"cool\" thing than trying to be rebellious or hating home. Is something foolish I know but how wise can a young kid be? :imcool:

My parents are too cool, they don't see that as run away from home. To them is staying out too late and uninformed. :lol:

anyhowsay1, other than this stay out late episode, is your ds a sensible and responsible kid? Is good thing that he is able to share with you how he spent his time on that day. He being taken home by police does not mean anything outrageous. It just so happened that he is very young and being seen alone at night in the park. It is not unusual for police officers to do that, so don't worry. It won't hinder his prospects, confirmed, chopped and guaranteed.

If your ds has been a sensible and responsible kid, he staying out late may just be his ways to handle his own emotions. It is not right but it doesn't really translate to \"Notorious Behavior\", \"Problematic Kid\", \"Rebellious\", \"hated home\", \"warped personality\"...etc. I can't suggest what is the best thing to do because I don't know your kid but I hope you can see the possibility that is not entirely :lightrod: kind of behavior.

Dear Ashana

Thanks for your sharing. Wow. I didn't know that runaways can still be so sensible in later life as you are!! That's a compliment to you. I have never come across anyone in my life running away (I suppose I belonged to the world of very boring people who as teenagers can't wait to go home after school..miss mum and dad and worried when THEY ARE NOT HOME on time).
Thanks for your sharing and it sure makes me feel a lot better as I was so so fearful that DS could be up to no good and that he must have hated home and find it too confining. His actions hurt me quite a lot as I worried that he might do it again next time and goodness knows where he'll be. My DS sees things like \"it's my way or no way\". How like that?

With a view of the world like that, plus if got bad company, then surely gone case.. :yikes:
Am thinking seriously of transfering school for him.

[anyhowsay1]

My former teenage maid (17 years) ran away from HER home and came to Singapore with friends, masquerading as adults so I am really fearful that my son may have thought that was an exciting thing for teenagers to do. Monkey see monkey do. Run away and see the world is a clear sign of rebellion + recklessness. Endless headache with teenagers.

[sharonkhoo]

anyhowsay1:

My DS sees things like \"it's my way or no way\". How like that?


With a view of the world like that, plus if got bad company, then surely gone case.. :yikes:
Am thinking seriously of transfering school for him.

Transferring school may not the best solution if your son is not for it. And bad company can be found anywhere. The desire to be \"good\" must come from within. Perhaps you should find a way to communicate better with your son,nd understand his viewpoint and moral values? Find out what he thinks, maybe compromise? You say you find him very set in his ways, but perhaps you are also that way (these things can be inherited to some degree!). Some give and take may be needed. I don't always agree with my kids about what they do or think, but I try to be broader in what is acceptable and will be more insistent only for certain things which are more important. I'm not saying that that is how you are, just suggesting it as a possibility.

[anyhowsay1]

slmkhoo:

anyhowsay1:

My DS sees things like \"it's my way or no way\". How like that?


With a view of the world like that, plus if got bad company, then surely gone case.. :yikes:
Am thinking seriously of transfering school for him.

Transferring school may not the best solution if your son is not for it. And bad company can be found anywhere. The desire to be \"good\" must come from within. Perhaps you should find a way to communicate better with your son,nd understand his viewpoint and moral values? Find out what he thinks, maybe compromise? You say you find him very set in his ways, but perhaps you are also that way (these things can be inherited to some degree!). Some give and take may be needed. I don't always agree with my kids about what they do or think, but I try to be broader in what is acceptable and will be more insistent only for certain things which are more important. I'm not saying that that is how you are, just suggesting it as a possibility.

Thanks slmkhoo. I agree with you. But I think his friends wield very great influence on him. He knows it. Yes I think it has to be a sit down conference at the table of negotiation...

[ashana]

anyhowsay1:

ashana:

I ran away from home when I was a kid, twice if I may add.


None of the parents here did something like that when you were young? :roll:

I don't speak for those who ran away from home, but for me it was more of a \"cool\" thing than trying to be rebellious or hating home. Is something foolish I know but how wise can a young kid be? :imcool:

My parents are too cool, they don't see that as run away from home. To them is staying out too late and uninformed. :lol:

anyhowsay1, other than this stay out late episode, is your ds a sensible and responsible kid? Is good thing that he is able to share with you how he spent his time on that day. He being taken home by police does not mean anything outrageous. It just so happened that he is very young and being seen alone at night in the park. It is not unusual for police officers to do that, so don't worry. It won't hinder his prospects, confirmed, chopped and guaranteed.

If your ds has been a sensible and responsible kid, he staying out late may just be his ways to handle his own emotions. It is not right but it doesn't really translate to \"Notorious Behavior\", \"Problematic Kid\", \"Rebellious\", \"hated home\", \"warped personality\"...etc. I can't suggest what is the best thing to do because I don't know your kid but I hope you can see the possibility that is not entirely :lightrod: kind of behavior.

Dear Ashana

Thanks for your sharing. Wow. I didn't know that runaways can still be so sensible in later life as you are!! That's a compliment to you. I have never come across anyone in my life running away (I suppose I belonged to the world of very boring people who as teenagers can't wait to go home after school..miss mum and dad and worried when THEY ARE NOT HOME on time).
Thanks for your sharing and it sure makes me feel a lot better as I was so so fearful that DS could be up to no good and that he must have hated home and find it too confining. His actions hurt me quite a lot as I worried that he might do it again next time and goodness knows where he'll be. My DS sees things like \"it's my way or no way\". How like that?

With a view of the world like that, plus if got bad company, then surely gone case.. :yikes:
Am thinking seriously of transfering school for him.

Aiya, you like that say I dunno how to reply liao... ... I didn't turn out very sensible also :lol: .

Just want to share what might prompt a kid to do something like that. The intention does not necessarily stemmed from something bad. I'm not trying to sound like it's no big deal, but it may not be as big as you have imagined. If you know why I ran away, you will laugh. I had too much imagination and energy for my own good at that time. I thought I was cool but it becomes a joke when I finally gain some maturity. I pity my parents to raise a child like me. I have broken their hearts too many times. :oops:

That being said, I was rather a self responsible and independent kid. As young as in K1, I prepared my own bag, ironed my school uniform, I combed and tied my own hair in the style I want, I knew what time to wake up for school, I went to school by myself, I helped out with household chores, I was disciplined in doing my homework. I had reasonably good grades in school. My parents never had to fuss over me or tell me what I should do. I took great pride in behaving like a sensible adult. I always had the illusions that I know what's best for myself. But realistically, how wise can a young person be? :oops:

My ran away is more of fulfilling an imagined lifestyle. It never crossed my mind it is irresponsible, wrong and a hurtful act to my parents. I'm thankful my parents didn't over react. Being a prideful kid, if my parents had kicked up a big fuss over my \"ran away\" episodes, I will feel insulted and their concerns will backfired. I'll probably reacted more negatively because they didn't trust me enough.

I lived in my own world when I was a kid. Peers influence and environmental factors don't matter much to me. However, I agree that peers and environment have an influential role in some kids. For some kids, especially emotional and sensitive kids, before they are matured enough to anchored their inner selves, they need a conducive environment to help them grow. Somehow, imho not only kids, even adults can act differently under social and peers pressures too.

If transferring school and a change of environment and groups of friends do help,imho, is no harm working out the possibilities. I am teaching my child 三字经 recently and find this paragraph full of wisdom.

人之初 性本善 性相近 习相远
苟不教 性乃迁 教之道 贵以专
昔孟母 择邻处 子不学 断机杼
窦燕山 有义方 教五子 名俱扬
养不教 父之过 教不严 师之惰
子不学 非所宜 幼不学 老何为
玉不琢 不成器 人不学 不知义
为人子 方少时 亲师友 习礼仪

[ShaSha99]

Same here.. this list will be useful to keep.


Thanks for sharing!

fightingmom:

Ksi,

I didn't even know such list exist in KSP thread !

:thankyou:

Just in time for me to pass it to one of my friend who has some issues at home recently.

:lovesite: