Child leaving for overseas studies, how do you cope?
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mjl:
mjl that's so brave of you. I have problem letting go. But from reading the messages you people posted here, I know there are lots of things I need to learn.pinky:
Hi mijl how long will yr son be in UK ?
He will be there for 4 years. This is only his first year.
Most likely he will pursue PhD in US for another 4-5 years.
We just have to get used to our kids not being with us most of the time. -
pinky:
mjl that's so brave of you. I have problem letting go. But from reading the messages you people posted here, I know there are lots of things I need to learn.
To be fair to you, I have it easier than you since I have 2 other kids with me
Try to focus on the positive changes e.g. he is embarking on an exciting new journey, you can visit uk soon, and it is really much easier nowadays compared with the past since you can message using whatsapp anytime, and video call using FB/Google hangouts/whatsapp etc. (how lucky!).
Are there 3 breaks a year, and how long is each break? If each break is long enough, for the initial 1-2 years, I would encourage that he returns home or you fly to uk to visit him during each break. -
Estéema:
I went through those times, a lot of weird experiences affecting me & my family members (mainly hubby), but thankfully he was very sweet to let me use him as punchbag. Feeling guilty now. Growing old sweetly with him now. It will pass.
esteema, may I know that period lasted for how long for you?
what kind of weird experiences, can share? get angry very fast? -
Pinky
It’s only if you can’t overcome your separation anxiety / depression that it then maybe a last alternative to see your son so often when he is away. Those precious limited years are more for him to explore the world and further be developed into independent individual, maturing in his assessment of the world and relationships.
Both my kids used their whatever long weekends or school holidays to back pack in almost every part of Europe coz we all know after they return, it may be not possible anymore when work starts and probably family planning begins. If they were not backpacking, then they were in some internships somewhere in UK.
This period of time maybe the kids’ last chance to enjoy before real life hard knocks kick in. Hence, being so ‘sticky’, by getting the kid back or parent/s visiting during holidays frequently can be perceived as ‘burden’ from the kid, esp for boy.
So, the Ace card will be you still may visit him frequently, just avoid using this Ace card unless last resort. Usually the tighter one wants to hold, the further the other one wants to run and vice versa (think vinegar has first hand experience on this).
Have you got your estrogen level tested? I still suspect your case may be a menopausal case that hormone therapy can help instead of anti depressant drugs. My friend recently got sacked from her high level secretary job as she kept booking her boss’ flights wrongly (she could hear one thing but book another thing. Her hearing and brain just couldn’t synchronise). She told me she has got so forgetful recently and she seems like losing her memory and worrying about dementia. She went for a brain scan but nothing was wrong. Subsequently, her estrogen level was checked and then put on hormone therapy that she is recovering (but she had already lose her job).
Have faith that your condition will improve over time. Take one step at a time and stop the weird thoughts whenever you realise they begin. Being ‘too free’ will be your worst enemy during this period of time of resettling. -
MrsKiasu:
Estéema:
I went through those times, a lot of weird experiences affecting me & my family members (mainly hubby), but thankfully he was very sweet to let me use him as punchbag. Feeling guilty now. Growing old sweetly with him now. It will pass.
esteema, may I know that period lasted for how long for you?
what kind of weird experiences, can share? get angry very fast?
Hi Folks,
Sorry for sudden MIA, as I had problem replying after Janet88's msg on Fri nite 10pm. I typed so many replies but always SQL errors. Hope this goes through. But I had been busy weekends so forgot what I had wanted to chat.
MrsKiasu,
My peri-menopausal period last about one-half years, before confirmed menopause.
Hot flushes
- definite. Insomnia, great thirst, itchy skin, hair drop (doesn't help with self-image). Yes, quick tempered... :stompfeet: Annoyance with a lot of things (thot I had been a tough nut & a perfectionist, so disliked myself a lot = depression). But knowing my earlier experience with it, I snapped out quickly. No medication this time. I just worked very hard looking for positive & constructive things to do.
We ladies can't help going thro menopause. Just gotta manage it and manage ourselves by doing positive things within our control. Of course, I must acknowledge the quiet support of DH forgiving my weird behaviour and help me navigate relationships at home. He's indeed very patient & forbearing.
I started caring abt what goes on with BIL, MIL, nephews, nieces and all their needs. I warned myself it can spiral like before so live life & make it meaningful. Started some informal match-making for my frds & BIL using my past \"professional skills\", hosting dinners, organized social BBQs at my condo, etc. Started visiting orphanages, engaged in mission work in Surabaya, Hanoi & now Mynmar. My kids benefitted a lot, I'm thankful for this unexpected blessings. They tag along since 3-4 years old.
Think impt to look out and beyond yourself. You'll find so much more to live for, just for yourself. You might discover things come back to bless you & your family in little or big ways you did not expect.
Pinky,
Trust that whilst your son is building stronger grounds for his future, he will come back to you a more enriched person & similarly for yourself, if you let yourself build on a new life. It is only then, that you can further contribute to his future life with new perspective & he can share his new experiences with you. Without letting him go & letting yourself experience a new life, you might unwittingly be binding yourself & your family may feel guilty for \"making you go through your depression\" ... \"If only I didn't go away for studies...\", \"If only I know how to spend wonderful time with my wife so she doesn't cling on & feel empty without our young fellow...\", or other possible negative thots which may not be constructive. I'm hoping you can bravely take up a new hobby or join a new group in your community and increase your courage. You will find it a rewarding experience.
Do your best mummy Pinky. Your hubby & son will be so happy to see you find new vigor. :please: -
Thanks Hercules and Esteema for your advice. My hubby and I will accompany my son there so as to let me have a first hand view of his hostel, living environment n facilities etc to make me feel at ease and to address any concerns that I may have.
I will also discuss with the counsellor what will be the best ways I can do to occupy my time meaningfully. I know the initial months will be tough for both my husband and I. My friends have all advised me to take one step at a time. -
Estéema:
MrsKiasu:
[quote=\"Estéema\"]I went through those times, a lot of weird experiences affecting me & my family members (mainly hubby), but thankfully he was very sweet to let me use him as punchbag. Feeling guilty now. Growing old sweetly with him now. It will pass.
esteema, may I know that period lasted for how long for you?
what kind of weird experiences, can share? get angry very fast?
Hi Folks,
Sorry for sudden MIA, as I had problem replying after Janet88's msg on Fri nite 10pm. I typed so many replies but always SQL errors. Hope this goes through. But I had been busy weekends so forgot what I had wanted to chat.
MrsKiasu,
My peri-menopausal period last about one-half years, before confirmed menopause.
Hot flushes - definite. Insomnia, great thirst, itchy skin, hair drop (doesn't help with self-image). Yes, quick tempered... :stompfeet: Annoyance with a lot of things (thot I had been a tough nut & a perfectionist, so disliked myself a lot = depression). But knowing my earlier experience with it, I snapped out quickly. No medication this time. I just worked very hard looking for positive & constructive things to do.
We ladies can't help going thro menopause. Just gotta manage it and manage ourselves by doing positive things within our control. Of course, I must acknowledge the quiet support of DH forgiving my weird behaviour and help me navigate relationships at home. He's indeed very patient & forbearing.
I started caring abt what goes on with BIL, MIL, nephews, nieces and all their needs. I warned myself it can spiral like before so live life & make it meaningful. Started some informal match-making for my frds & BIL using my past \"professional skills\", hosting dinners, organized social BBQs at my condo, etc. Started visiting orphanages, engaged in mission work in Surabaya, Hanoi & now Mynmar. My kids benefitted a lot, I'm thankful for this unexpected blessings. They tag along since 3-4 years old.
Think impt to look out and beyond yourself. You'll find so much more to live for, just for yourself. You might discover things come back to bless you & your family in little or big ways you did not expect.
Pinky,
Trust that whilst your son is building stronger grounds for his future, he will come back to you a more enriched person & similarly for yourself, if you let yourself build on a new life. It is only then, that you can further contribute to his future life with new perspective & he can share his new experiences with you. Without letting him go & letting yourself experience a new life, you might unwittingly be binding yourself & your family may feel guilty for \"making you go through your depression\" ... \"If only I didn't go away for studies...\", \"If only I know how to spend wonderful time with my wife so she doesn't cling on & feel empty without our young fellow...\", or other possible negative thots which may not be constructive. I'm hoping you can bravely take up a new hobby or join a new group in your community and increase your courage. You will find it a rewarding experience.
Do your best mummy Pinky. Your hubby & son will be so happy to see you find new vigor. :please:[/quote]Thanks esteema for your sharing. I have told my dh of this possible symptoms and also told him your story...say you sayang your dh lots more after the whole episode :love:
really thanks for all the sharings..through the sharings and the help of my loved ones, I m confident that I should be ok. Am taking my multivitamin and epo now. feeling much better, I could see and feel my real self. -
hi Estéema,
when think of going through menopause and all the hot flushes, it does worry me a little.
my PMS drives me nuts every month with erratic mood swings. insomnia is another thing which bugs me. -
Thank you for all the sharing here, Pinky, Janet88, MrsKaisu, Hercules, …
We’re not alone. Being open helps us journey with less self-doubts abt our physical/hormonal changes. We can’t change these things, but we can direct our focus to more purposeful activities.
Take care dear KSP mums (in case SQL error msgs hit me again). Was frustrating can’t communicate with all as promptly as I wished. -
Estéema:
as we age, our hormones do not not respond as well compared to our younger days.Thank you for all the sharing here, Pinky, Janet88, MrsKaisu, Hercules, ....
We're not alone. Being open helps us journey with less self-doubts abt our physical/hormonal changes. We can't change these things, but we can direct our focus to more purposeful activities.
as women, being open and sharing our feelings give us a chance to relieve our frustrations. as our kids grow up, we parents are also trying to adapt to different stages. somehow, the men don't get it. My PMS can drive me nuts in certain months
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