All About Parenting Teenagers
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My teenaged children have been smoking behind my back. imagine my shock when i caught them red handed, smoking at the lift lobby. both of them together. i don’t know what to do now.
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JacelynLim:
My teenaged children have been smoking behind my back. imagine my shock when i caught them red handed, smoking at the lift lobby. both of them together. i don't know what to do now.
Talk to them first, and find out why they started? They must know that you disapprove and it's illegal, so they must have some reason for starting - peer pressure? needing to belong to a group? needing to \"prove\" that they are grownup? wanting to attract attention? Sorting out some of the underlying reasons should be the first step, I think. -
MrsKiasu:
vinegar, personally I feel that it is not alright for anyone, child or adult to think as such. but I know there are such people. I heard of such case before of one of elders. now your son is still young, so you (or get another person) have more time to 'teach' him..like me and sis, she will tell me her problem with her son when he undergoes difficult growing up phase..I will explain to him and he will say ok..but we dont know if all the words could get into him but we just hope some could. I will be heartbroken too if my kids were to say such thing. This, for sure my stripes will come out.
Yes indeed. I was shocked n heartbroken when he said that. He used to say so once a while n i always correct him. I hv no idea why he thinks our money will eventually his..once i fed up n told him that our money will.be used up by the time we die.
Both my dh n me r very careful with our spending. We indulge ourselves with good food occasionally. He does not mind having meals at hawker but he complains a lot if the food is not nice.
He does not really spend much of his pocket money. However, he does not know the value of savings despite our constant reminders. For e.g. he does not cherish the things we bot fr him
He does follow me to do mktg.
Most of the times, i just watch him having meal if he wanna eat something costly.
He went camping a few times. Came bk with tons of complaints. He went to help out of the needy. He oso went to frds hse n told me few times that he feels so lucky as compared to them. But then, his moments of appreciation n gratitude very short term. After a while, he will forget n start asking me to hv b/fast at starbuck instead of coffee shop/hawker. -
vinegar:
It may seem mean to make him pay when you actually can afford it, but he really does need to learn to be less entitled. Tell him that you will do this until you see that he has learned the lessons you want him to learn. And you have to get your husband to do the same. Now that he is a teenager, be prepared that it will take a longer time to correct as his attitudes have been ingrained for many years.Yes indeed. I was shocked n heartbroken when he said that. He used to say so once a while n i always correct him. I hv no idea why he thinks our money will eventually his..once i fed up n told him that our money will.be used up by the time we die.
Of course he expects that your money will eventually be his - he is an only child, right? But he may not realise that your husband will cease to earn by a certain age, and the amount may have dwindled by the time he inherits. Maybe telling him just once is not enough? He may not take you seriously. Make it an understood thing.
He does not really spend much of his pocket money. However, he does not know the value of savings despite our constant reminders. For e.g. he does not cherish the things we bot fr him
He does follow me to do mktg.
You may need to be stricter about what you will buy for him or spend on him. Set reasonable amounts, and make him top up for more expensive things and extras. See how far his pocket money stretches! Does he get a lot of pocket money? He won't feel the \"pain\" and learn much if he always has more than enough.
Most of the times, i just watch him having meal if he wanna eat something costly.
This would be an opportunity for you to make him top up beyond what you think is a reasonable amount to pay for a meal.
After a while, he will forget n start asking me to hv b/fast at starbuck instead of coffee shop/hawker.
Again, get him to top up the difference between hawker food and Starbucks. -
It makes me think..at vinegar's ds age, can we still use the 'hard' method of teaching?
I never have confidence in handling boys probably due to me growing up surrounded by girls and the only boy I had chance to 'teach' was my young bro then. He is quite opposite of me, I talked, cried and caned him even when I myself was still a kid. I just felt that it is so difficult to make someone understand. With my girls, I use both methods..my 'hard' method is harsh that dh sometimes say have I been treated as such when I was young..actually no, I rarely get scolding from my parents except during the paktoring and studying period with my then bf now dh. My gals, there have been certain periods I have the same kind of feelings too..'why dont you understand?' now that when they are abit better behaved now, I looked back to what I have been/still doing, taking into consideration of some of my dh comments, I do find myself rather want to 'force'..like want to mould another me
which I try to get away. They are developing own personalities..I will still tell/advise/scold when I see something is not very right like how they treat each other. Maybe because they are gals and I m not a xiao maomi. I will raise my voice, both will be quiet..but that is because they are still young now. I always think in few more years time, will I still be able to control the situation?
Combi methods is what I m using now..I can be rather harsh with my kids but at the same time I do let them see my vulnerabilities. Now sometimes they are at the 'mom' position.. tell/advise me at times. Hope that is going to continue, though in my heart I m so afraid that they may one day drifting away from me same as we with parents. -
vinegar:
:hugs: keep trying to correct him, vinegar. Not too many years later, he will have his own family.MrsKiasu:
vinegar, personally I feel that it is not alright for anyone, child or adult to think as such. but I know there are such people. I heard of such case before of one of elders. now your son is still young, so you (or get another person) have more time to 'teach' him..like me and sis, she will tell me her problem with her son when he undergoes difficult growing up phase..I will explain to him and he will say ok..but we dont know if all the words could get into him but we just hope some could. I will be heartbroken too if my kids were to say such thing. This, for sure my stripes will come out.
Yes indeed. I was shocked n heartbroken when he said that. He used to say so once a while n i always correct him. I hv no idea why he thinks our money will eventually his..once i fed up n told him that our money will.be used up by the time we die.
Both my dh n me r very careful with our spending. We indulge ourselves with good food occasionally. He does not mind having meals at hawker but he complains a lot if the food is not nice.
He does not really spend much of his pocket money. However, he does not know the value of savings despite our constant reminders. For e.g. he does not cherish the things we bot fr him
He does follow me to do mktg.
Most of the times, i just watch him having meal if he wanna eat something costly.
He went camping a few times. Came bk with tons of complaints. He went to help out of the needy. He oso went to frds hse n told me few times that he feels so lucky as compared to them. But then, his moments of appreciation n gratitude very short term. After a while, he will forget n start asking me to hv b/fast at starbuck instead of coffee shop/hawker. -
MrsKiasu:
no offence, but aren't they a bit too young for that? (but maybe you mean normal day-to-day stuff)
Combi methods is what I m using now..I can be rather harsh with my kids but at the same time I do let them see my vulnerabilities. Now sometimes they are at the 'mom' position.. tell/advise me at times.
Actually I think as boys get older, daddy plays a greater role and mummies can sit back and relax (other than in the food department)? In fact these days I taichi to DH a lot.
I say - your boys need a man to model after and look up to, he can't argue with that ...
And by hard method, what do you mean? If caning or scolding, it is not very effective. Pre-teens and teens have their pride. Need to reason and give them some time to reflect and think it through. No need to react to their every outburst. -
ammonite:
agree too! dh plays a bigger part in role modeling and my ds is quite \"scared\" of papa
no offence, but aren't they a bit too young for that? (but maybe you mean normal day-to-day stuff)MrsKiasu:
Combi methods is what I m using now..I can be rather harsh with my kids but at the same time I do let them see my vulnerabilities. Now sometimes they are at the 'mom' position.. tell/advise me at times.
Actually I think as boys get older, daddy plays a greater role and mummies can sit back and relax (other than in the food department)? In fact these days I taichi to DH a lot. I say - your boys need a man to model after and look up to, he can't argue with that ...
And by hard method, what do you mean? If caning or scolding, it is not very effective. Pre-teens and teens have their pride. Need to reason and give them some time to reflect and think it through. No need to react to their every outburst.
i must learn to be not as responsive to occasional silly burst .But i will look or stare at him at the corner of my eyes n my teen would start his long winded qn of asking me why i so fierce and he is not wrong ..... :sick: -
ammomite, just on lighter issues only la not on the important stuffs. like feedback/management of emotions..
I think I have an issue here lei.. I noticed I often treat kids to be quite mature kind even though they are still young in actual fact..dd2 will sometimes remind me that she is a still a kid and for dd1, I need to tell myself that she is only this age..dd1 started to analyse relationships I noticed recently ..or most kids already like that? during holiday..she will say something like daddy, do you know that you have a good wife and on certain happenings, she will tell me that I have a good husband..I was quite surprised to hear it..if she ever said it before could tell not after such deeper thinking sense like this round. Thereafter, I also moved one notch higher.. start telling like dd2 she better have lesser funny photos else I have got nothing to show her daughter and I am going to tell her bf...when her bf comes to our house to look for her..for us all to have a good laugh. with dd1, we recently had a night chat, share with her about certain behaviour of a person that could lead to certain future bla bla bla..then I asked her, you want to be like that?.she says dont want dont want..this kind of little sharing, will it help in teaching and bringing our mom dd relationship further?? I m unsure..just trying. -
MrsKiasu:
I guess everyone a different style lah. I think most want their kids to be very matured and thoughtful, but I feel children must be allowed to be children or they will grow up suppressed and with a fake facade, only know how to please others and not knowing what they really want or what their real likes and dislikes are. Of course we need to correct and talk to them, but expectations must be age appropriate. (And I definitely don't mean being a nuisance in restaurants and shopping malls.) To know oneself is a journey too, and it entails having the space to wonder and ponder and yes, sometimes making mistakes and having regrets. One thing I am very big on though is not talking much about BGR at a young age unless they ask me something or it crops up.ammomite, just on lighter issues only la not on the important stuffs. like feedback/management of emotions..
I think I have an issue here lei.. I noticed I often treat kids to be quite mature kind even though they are still young in actual fact..dd2 will sometimes remind me that she is a still a kid and for dd1, I need to tell myself that she is only this age..dd1 started to analyse relationships I noticed recently ..or most kids already like that? during holiday..she will say something like daddy, do you know that you have a good wife and on certain happenings, she will tell me that I have a good husband..I was quite surprised to hear it..if she ever said it before could tell not after such deeper thinking sense like this round. Thereafter, I also moved one notch higher.. start telling like dd2 she better have lesser funny photos else I have got nothing to show her daughter and I am going to tell her bf...when her bf comes to our house to look for her..for us all to have a good laugh. with dd1, we recently had a night chat, share with her about certain behaviour of a person that could lead to certain future bla bla bla..then I asked her, you want to be like that?.she says dont want dont want..this kind of little sharing, will it help in teaching and bringing our mom dd relationship further?? I m unsure..just trying.
MKS, I can see that your dd is observing you closely. Now is a good time to ask yourself what message you want to send her regarding what it means to be a \"good\" mother, a \"good\" wife and having one's own identity as a woman juggling different roles; what a \"good\" husband is in terms of contributions financially, time, gifting etc. It will all play out in the next two decades.
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